"I do understand. But I can not help myself getting things in the right way. Maybe I can try to be familiar with your treating, just because you are saying so. That's it."
Why each time will I be the person to consider his things?
Maybe some days later, I will freely ask him those, and he will have to answer me in the right way. That will be the result of my upcoming consideration. What is he even doing for me? It is I, it was I, who started changing, or more behaving in a better way to keep things shut between us. I do not know the future I am heading into. Only I can see me, who is considering us to be unrecognizable.
"Luka, like I am telling you each thing holding your hands. I told it some days ago, gave all the promises, and held it. I am as much serious as I was back then. I don't lie. whether it comes to responsibility, whether care, or love, or treating. Lying is just not my thing." He abruptly says. I could measure the honesty between his words. I nod to appreciate him, to let him realise I do trust him. I am trying to trust him, as I do not trust myself, let alone other people. But so deep down, my mind has some spaces left. One could not fill the perforation in my heart. As all the air got the scope to flow out through it. I never got the care of being so cruel, so selfish. I couldn't stop it, I would never fill it. I do not inhale those breathes that flow out through the gaps. I was inhaling the breath that could help it to fill. But so far away, getting the luck which never was mine, bowing every inches, dedicating each desire, just for the gap which remained unfilled.
The defectiveness has taught me how to be flawless. I made the shape of what will show the inner world. I might eventually be adherence towards the sacrifices I did. But if it was accurate, one might be ready to put the same towards me. So, why is it feeling like he would be the one who is taking the turn? How so quickly? How so often he thinks he can? I was blinking rapidly, and I was finding the clue left here to solve the puzzle. All I could see was him, eagerly waiting for my response. Why tonight I saw a different him? "I trust you." But I lied. I lied to him. I have no option left here to say. You are not mine, I lied. You will never know.
I saw him again chuckles, hiddenly. Unleashed my hands and placed it gently on the pillow. Ready to continue, "I do not need your trust, Modric. I clearly know about your difficulties. Maybe it is not 100 percent true that I know up to down, or exactly the same. But I can relate, and so far, I can see those pain each time you got emotional. Honestly, it disgusts me, too." He told me with an unfamiliar tone. I do not know what was happening between us. Who will be by whose side? Who will do exactly the same one of us wished? He looks down with dimmish concern and again holds my palm. "I can not describe. But I wished by mind that I would make myself so capable that you would tell me each of the scenarios from your past by yourself. I will never ask it, I promise. Whenever you're ready to spread the pain, I am prepared to take it." As he said it. I was looking at him. Why was I feeling uncomfortable? My eyelids were trembling, but I could not shut those. My heart was beating. Once in a day, actions were not takeable, and now, he is talking through words. How can I take those? It was a sudden change of my feedback, I do not the source from where it comes.
He was looking at me. I hate the thing when I have nothing to say, but he is waiting for me to speak. I finally ask a silly question to end the conversation, "Can I ask why are you willing to take that kind of steps? Don't you think it isn't suitable with our relationship?" "Cause I care about you. I honestly do. I started doing. I don't know. I feel hurt. To see you to see me. To see us. I understood, that's it." He spoke the rest.
Why each time, he considered my lies as his takeaway and his as trust?