I've had a problem my whole life.
I give everything unconditionally.
I've always said, 'I do it without expecting anything in return,' but it's a lie. I want something in return, I want the other person to never push me away.
Never.
So, when he met that girl, I felt that...he had broken his promise to 'never leave me alone'.
"Eh? Mooni...weren't you always stuck to your friend? How did you get rid of him?"
«'Mooni'...so you let them call you that?»
"It's not that I'm stuck to him, he's my friend, and believe it or not...he's a good person!" He gave the girl a smile, too flirtatious for just having told me that he wanted her as a 'friend'. "He has never betrayed me like my other friends, so I hold him in high esteem."
The girl laughed, eventually, both walking together around the campus, even Moon Ji-Hael carrying the girl's backpack as well.
Ah yes, Moon Ji-Hael, a son of a family of strict doctors, mother a nurse and father a surgeon.
Surprisingly, he has no interest in medicine; his true passion has always been...
「"I would like to become a writer!"」
Perhaps it was because of that decision that he had to distance himself from his friends who were going to be doctors...and he met me.
We've known each other for seven years, since we started high school.
He was always the extrovert, so extroverted that he often got involved in other people's problems.
「"Believe it or not, meddling where you're not called...as a writer, it's actually a great source of inspiration! Ah...once I get home, I'll write this down in my ideas notebook!"」
That's what he always said.
But not all his friends liked that he was that kind of person. Someone so sociable that he was never satisfied with his friends.
I used to call him a 'social glutton'.
He preferred to have as many friends as possible so as not to feel empty.
«Disgusting.»
Or so I thought, until eventually...I fell under his spell too.
Otherwise, I lived in a simple family, father and mother, mother a housewife and father a construction worker.
But even though I saw my mother more than Moon Ji-Hael, it was more difficult for me to express myself in the same way that he did.
I receive love, but it's impossible for me to give it to everyone.
Everyone will leave, Moon Ji-Hael experienced it firsthand, so I don't understand why he still tries so hard to make more and more friends who ultimately forgot about him.
«Moon Ji-Hael, stop it, instead of wanting to look like a puppy, you look more like a homeless person desperately looking for food in a trash can.»
I say that perhaps out of selfishness.
"..."
Whether that's the reason or not, I hate it when others just come, steal a part of his vitality, and leave.
Even so, there is a sparkle in Moon Ji-Hael's eyes that may be the reason why he cannot see it from my dull point of view.
I promised never to betray him, never to abandon him, that I would always be with him, in exchange for him not leaving me alone.
That was our promise as friends.
But it seems that he was the one who forgot it this time.
"Uh?" Moon Ji-Hael stopped when he checked the time on his phone, his smile changing to a worried expression. "Ah, ah! C-Crap!"
The girl turned to look at him, confused. "What's wrong with you?"
"It's just that I promised him I'd drop him off at home!"
The girl blinked, and then let out a long, exasperated sigh. "Are you daydreaming, Mooni? Go join him!"
Moon Ji-Hael nodded, he returned the girl's backpack and after that, he ran off down the path they had come from.
In any case, I knew he would notice; he was always like that.
"..."
But I didn't dislike it; in the end, he always came back for me.
Even when I felt that I wasn't his priority anymore.
"I'm so glad to find you here! Haaa..." Moon Ji-Hael appeared in front of me, while I was on the wall outside the university, a few meters away from where they had been talking earlier. "I was about to forget it, but look! I remembered it in time!"
I sighed, and then I looked towards his parked car. "It doesn't matter."
"Alright! Let's take you home then!"
He was happier than usual.
"..."
...I see my expiration date approaching.
***
Once we arrived at my apartment, Moon Ji-Hael came in with me.
"Eh? Why don't you store the cans of tuna in your cabinet?" He looked at my table, and suddenly took all the cans with him to the kitchen.
"My mother was probably the one who left them there."
"You're too carefree! That's not a great quality in someone, you know?"
Quality.
"..." I never had a quality. "What's up with that girl?" Moon Ji-Hael jumped in fright, or perhaps...a jump of surprise after I discovered him. "You were with her before, weren't you?"
He turned to look at me. "I-...uh...well..." He hesitated for the next three seconds, until he thought to clear his throat. "Well...I like her..."
«That's not what worries me, really.»
"So why won't you let me meet her?"
He always talks to me about that girl, saying how great she is for being the star student in math and physics...
But he never highlights anything about me other than 'he's a good friend'.
"..."
Suddenly, his gaze turned serious.
"You were watching me again, weren't you?"
"So what if I did? You were taking too long."
"So, that can't answer your question?" He slammed the can of tuna on the kitchen counter. "Every time I try to make more friends, or even when I talk a little more with someone when I'm not with you...you go and stalk me from afar..."
"..."
"I want to continue having a social life, as a future writer...I love talking to people, knowing what they think, how they act, and every emotion their face conveys...but you..." He looked away, as if looking at me were...a disgrace. "...Since I met you, I don't know what you feel, you seem just...an inanimate body waiting for something you don't even know what it is."
I have to agree with him on some of what he said; I don't know what I'm waiting for.
I thought that what I had been waiting for was to meet someone I could understand, someone like Moon Ji-Hael.
But it seems I was wrong.
"Honestly? Lately, it makes me uncomfortable that you have to stalk me from afar..."
"So, what should I do?" He turned to look at me again. "You said you wouldn't leave me alone...and every time you go looking for more, and more, and more, and more friends...what void are you trying to fill with them that I can't fill myself?"
"I have never left you alone—"
"You did it today, when you were with her, when you didn't even think about me until it was five o'clock in the afternoon and you remembered that you were stuck with me."
"..."
«So, I'm right.»
Believing that he would give his all to fill my void too was...greatly overestimating him.
So, if he doesn't see me as a friend... "...What am I to you?"
Anything, I just want to hear anything that isn't 'nothing'.
"..."
So why is he taking so long to reply?
"..."
'Friend.'
"..."
'Acquaintance.'
"..."
'Lover.'
"..."
'Demon.'
"..."
'Nuisance.'
"..."
'Responsibility.'
"..."
There are many reasons to answer that simple question, why isn't he saying a damn thing?
"I-...I'm so sorry, okay?" He squeezed the can of tuna in his hands, looking at its nutritional content as if it were going to help him in some way. "You're right, I forgot about you, and maybe in that...you're not exaggerating, but..."
"Exaggerating..."
"I-I mean! I mean! Don't get me wrong! I didn't mean that, of course you weren't exaggerating, it's just—"
"Do you think I'll believe it from the guy who couldn't even answer what his relationship with me is?"
For the first time in those seven years of knowing him, Moon Ji-Hael was speechless.
"If I'm not your friend, I could be your enemy, anything...so why did you decide to not give me an answer?" I don't know what face I'm making right now, but seeing how scared Moon Ji-Hael looks, I must be furious. "Do you even know what 'empathy' means? You made me promise never to abandon you, and look at you, you're the one forgetting the promise you made to me."
I took a step forward.
"How long do I have to wait until you understand that all I want is for you to reciprocate? I don't want to see you with any more friends when you're too stupid to even maintain a single friendship. Since I met you, you've gone from friend to friend, never making a decision and yet still getting more and more..." I clenched my fists. "I feel lonely, Moon Ji-Hael. Since I met you, you've never even said my name."
And I think it was that last sentence that made him react instinctively, instinctively to...shut me up.
The last thing I saw of him was him throwing the can of tuna in my face.
The can hit my right eye, and that's when I felt the pain, but it wasn't just the blow to my eye, no, the force with which he did it made me feel like he had crushed my eye.
"W-What did I do...?" I heard him mutter, while I screamed in pain and held my bleeding eye. The concern in his voice made me suspect that he realized the damage he had done to me. "I-I'm sorry, I'm sorry...please forgive me...I'm sorry..."
He immediately came towards me, taking me out of the apartment and urgently leading me to his car.
And perhaps that's where it all began.
***
Everything was...the same.
The same classroom, the same classmates, the same teachers...
Except for him.
"Moon Ji-Hael."
"He's not here, professor."
As soon as I recovered, and after having lost my eye in that accident...it was him I never saw again after he took me to the hospital.
My parents didn't tell me, but I know that Moon Ji-Hael's father was the one who paid the compensation for the damage his son caused.
If I had known he would disappear, I would never have confronted him.
Maybe he's angry.
I'd like to apologize, but if he doesn't show up...what will I do?
A week had passed, so it was then that, upon leaving the university, I hurried to go to his house.
He must be there.
Or so I thought, until his older sister opened the door.
Moon Ji-Leena.
"Eh? You're friends with Ji...right?" Then she looked behind her, somewhat...worried. "I'm sorry, but my brother isn't home right now."
Just as she was about to close the door, I grabbed the handle, pulling the door towards me and forcing her to open it.
"Where he is? Why hasn't he come to school?"
The girl kept pulling on the door, making a nervous face. "I-I don't know..."
"You know it," I frowned. "Why the hell won't you tell me? He doesn't even answer the messages I send him, what's wrong with him? Tell me."
However, she didn't say anything, so as a contingency plan, I went inside, walking past her.
"W-Wait! You shouldn't go into other people's houses like that! Please leave! I'm telling you the truth, my brother isn't here!"
I went upstairs, reached his room, and opened the door.
"..."
Indeed, he wasn't there.
"Please! Go away now!"
Instead, there was a knife and blood on the floor.
Once the girl arrived behind me, I turned to look at her.
"Where the hell he is?"
Perhaps he's not angry...but rather, sad.
_
「"I'm calling the police now, leave if you don't want to go to prison, you've already caused my brother too much suffering for me to tell you where he is now!"」
That's what she said, so I had to leave.
"..."
I was in the streets, alone.
I had to go home for dinner, call my parents, and tell them I was okay.
"..."
But it's hard to think about that when I've just discovered my best friend's new suicidal tendencies.
"I caused that suffering, didn't I?"
He must have been so sorry for hurting me that he resorted to that...
«He's an idiot.»
I would never have thought of that; those who seek to die disgust me.
I would never do that.
I resumed my journey home, however, I couldn't stop thinking about where Moon Ji-Hael was, why did he think dying was more important than coming to see me?
I said I would be his friend unconditionally, I provoked him, so why is he the one who has to take the blame?
I provoked him, he defended himself. Is it so hard to see it that way?
«I miss him.»
I shouldn't have said that to him.
Perhaps that's what's haunting him the most right now.
***
After that encounter with Moon Ji-Hael's sister, I knew from my father that Moon Ji-Hael was taken to a mental institution.
Three weeks.
"..."
That means he'll be leaving there today.
I thought about going to see him, but perhaps he would stay with his family that week.
I am just...
"..."
What am I to him?
I was the one who pushed him to the edge.
He almost died because of me.
"..."
Will I ever see him again?
Honestly, I'd like to see him, but I don't know how he'll react when he sees me.
Seeing me like this in the mirror, with a patch over my right eye...wouldn't that make him feel bad?
Instead, I covered the patch with a long strand of my hair.
At least that way, he wouldn't have to see me...like this.
Once I arrived at the university, at my usual classroom...
There he was.
That surprised me.
But he seemed...no, rather, he wasn't dressed as he usually was, but rather he was wearing a black sweatshirt, with a face mask covering his face.
I could tell it was him by his voice, and also because everyone else was talking about him.
"I was sick...I'm so sorry, professor..."
A...half-lie.
At least he wasn't sick with a viral disease, but rather an emotional one.
"Ah, you've just arrived, young man," The professor suddenly turned to look at me. "Why don't you help Moon Ji-Hael catch up with the class?"
Everyone looked at me, including Moon Ji-Hael, with a still sad expression.
But what does it matter? He had returned, my friend had finally returned, and this time, I will never destroy him in the same way again.
"Of course," I smiled, moved my hand, and took Moon Ji-Hael's hand. "I'm so glad you're back, Ji, I missed you so much."
So much, so very much, that even he can't imagine it...
But he simply withdrew his hand and walked back to his seat.
I didn't worry, he'd probably behave like this from now on, but this time, I won't let him go.
_
Life gave me an unexpected glimpse of what I thought would 'go away in time'.
No, Moon Ji-Hael did not return to being the same as before.
He no longer sought friends, he no longer chatted with anyone, and even...I could say that he adopted a rude attitude towards those who approached him.
"Mooni...what happened to you?"
Even that girl he liked so much, he stopped following her, and retreated to his shadowy corner.
You might think that made me happy or relieved.
"..."
It didn't.
He became...someone empty like me.
"Ji, how's your idea notebook coming along?"
He even...stopped writing.
"..."
I didn't even know anything about his life anymore.
I thought he would recover in a few months, but that wasn't the case either.
One day during class, I found out from one of my classmates that Moon Ji-Hael had suddenly drop colleage.
"...What? Why?"
Nobody knew.
"..."
Only I could discover it for myself.
Again, I ventured out to go to Moon Ji-Hael's house immediately, skipping all my classes just to go see him.
Back behind that door...
I knocked on the door.
Almost immediately, Moon Ji-Hael's sister opened the door, dressed in white, presumably to go to work. "Oh...it's you again..." She left the house and closed the door behind her, probably to prevent me from going back in. "First, I don't want you sneaking in again, second...my brother doesn't live here anymore."
I was surprised to know that he no longer lived there, so I immediately frowned.
"I'll give you his address, just so you can try to help him," Just as I was about to confront her, I kept quiet, and instead, I took out my phone to share my phone number with her. "The day before yesterday he relapsed again and ran away from home. Fortunately, I managed to find him, but he didn't want anyone near him..."
So, am I the only hope?
"..."
I'm carrying on with the hope of saving my friend...
If I fail, it means that this time...he'll die, right?
Once I got the address, I ran out of there and took a taxi to get there quickly.
It was an apartment building, the apartments were too small, but...who cared about a large space when you were feeling so alone?
I went up to the eighth floor in the elevator; once it opened, I dodged some ladies who were about to use the elevator and went to the apartment door; 51.
I knocked on the door.
"Ji? Your sister told me you're here...how are you feeling? She said you ran away from home and..."
However, before he could finish, the door slowly opened.
Evidently, it was Moon Ji-Hael who opened the door. Once he saw me, he seemed momentarily surprised; however, the excitement died immediately.
"...Why are you here?" That was the first thing he said.
"I heard that you dropped out of university...of course I wanted to know why." My tone was stern, not angry. "You said you wanted to be a writer, so what are you doing here instead of studying to achieve your goal?"
He remained silent for a few seconds before answering.
"My goal..." That's what he murmured, then he looked to the side. "...What does it matter? I'll die soon."
What the hell is going on?
Moon Ji-Hael is the most optimistic man I've ever met. Who is this person?
"That's true," He shouldn't say that. "So why not use the rest of your life to do what you love?"
From my bag, I took out a notebook and handed it to him.
"Please, come back," Once he took the notebook from my hand, he stared at it intently. "Everything...can be like it was before, I won't say anything, I won't judge you, you can have everyone as friends if you want...I promised you I would never abandon you, nor betray you, I will never abandon you, so...please don't leave me alone."
That was my last card.
"..."
So...why wasn't it working?
"...I can't do it. Not anymore."
"..."
«Not anymore?»
Why? If I'm supposed to be here...why not?
"So don't let me drift away from you."
Am I not...his savior anymore?
***
Every day after ending the university I would go to see him.
I was never late.
"How was your day, Ji? Were you able to go up to the balcony by yourself today?"
"...I couldn't."
"..."
I think I was the only one he let into his new 'home'.
"You'll achieve it tomorrow."
Day after day.
I would cook for him, help him bathe, and stay and chat with him for the rest of the day, until night fell and I went home.
Without realizing it, it became routine.
Finish class, go see him, spend the whole day with him, and return home.
I would give him the gifts that his family wanted to give him.
"This is from Leena."
A bracelet.
"..."
But he never took them out of their wrappers, and he just tossed them in the corner of the room.
Perhaps...he didn't feel deserving of them?
Perhaps that was it.
I maintained that routine for a year and nine months.
Even at Christmas and New Year's, I spent time with him, and not with my family.
Of course my parents were against me spending time with the person who took out my eye, but I promised to be there for him, unconditionally.
And that's what I'm doing.
I'm keeping a promise, no matter what.
Even if he wasn't getting better, it doesn't matter, I'm there with him.
He had been on antidepressants for a while, but I'm not sure if he was taking them while I was at university.
It was then, just as September was ending, that I went to his apartment as usual.
"Ji? Are you there?"
The door opened, and there he was, Moon Ji-Hael, that sparkle in his eyes now dead.
Unfortunately, the same as a year and nine months ago.
And I still don't understand why nothing has changed despite my efforts to help him.
"...I brought you food!"
Even so, I hadn't given up yet. If I try a little harder...I can definitely help him!
Once I finished cooking and put the plates of food on his little table, I pulled him into the chair to sit down, then I sat in the other chair to keep him company.
"And...how was your day today?"
"..."
Moon Ji-Hael stared at the plate of food for longer than he should have, until finally, he glanced at me out of the corner of his eye. "...I managed to get to the balcony."
I smiled. "See? I said you'd make it! Congratulations!"
However, he didn't seem that happy.
And for some reason, that gave me a bad feeling.
"...Why do you keep coming?" He murmured.
The question...offended me a little. Why? Didn't he remember what I've told him so many times? It doesn't matter, I can always repeat it one more time.
"I promised to be with you, unconditionally."
He remained silent, and then he spoke again.
"You can stop now...please, stop now..." He said, then looked back at the food. "...I can't stand having to see you every day, and remembering that it was my fault you lost your eye."
"So why have you never let me out? Why do you keep letting me in? I don't understand..." I murmured back to him, careful not to raise my voice too much.
"It's not your fault that I hurt you," He sighed, putting his hand on his forehead, covering his eyes. "Anyway, it was my fault for believing that...if I kept you away, you couldn't hurt me..."
"..."
Keep me away...eh?
"...When in reality, you were the only one who pursued me, who was even willing to be my bed if I got tired..." I could see a tear escape him and fall onto the table. "I was an idiot...I did what I told you not to do...out of fear that you would abandon me and I would be alone again..."
"...What am I to you, Ji?" Perhaps that question was the cause of his crisis. "I don't expect to be the greatest love of your life, I just want to know...if you only think of me when I think of you."
Maybe he did before, but now...maybe he thinks about me more regularly because of that accident.
"...I do."
"All those times you thought of me, I thought of you too, that's why I stayed with you, even when you left me alone, I never stopped thinking about you."
Even if it was to curse him for leaving me alone...but I always thought of him.
Today, now, and tomorrow.
"I will always be with you."
"...Always?"
"Always."
Until my poor soul learns to live without you.
Something that will be difficult, since I am willing to give you everything just to be with you, Moon Ji-Hael.
"That means I will never abandon you...even if necessary, I would give all my future lives necessary to never abandon you."
That's my big problem.
To be so unconditional.
"..."
Just for him.
***
A cold breeze accompanied by a car alarm woke me up.
Did I leave the balcony door open?
"Shit..." I got up from the floor, apparently, I fell asleep next to Moon Ji-Hael's bed, while trying to calm his nightmares. "Huh?"
It was then that I realized Moon Ji-Hael was not in his bed.
I quickly got up.
Before deciding to go out the door to start looking for him, what I did was first go to the balcony and close it.
I heard murmurs, so I stopped to listen.
"..."
Slowly, I decided to peek out there.
And I felt like my world had ended.
Moon Ji-Hael was on top of the car below, he had jumped from the balcony.
My hands were trembling, my legs were trembling, I felt that emptiness accompanied by anguish entangle itself throughout my soul; my head was screaming at my body that he was already dead.
But I still wanted to believe that I was dreaming.
So, that's why he wanted me to stop visiting him, right?
I looked at the table, where the bottle of antidepressants was lying.
Of course, how could I not have noticed?
It was nouse for me to be here, when he hadn't even seen his family in all that time.
If he didn't open those gifts, it was because his family hadn't made an effort to look for him.
I think that he wasn't most worried about being abandoned by me, but rather by his family.
Those who claimed to love him were the first to abandon him when he asked for time, and they weren't there to wait for him.
"..."
I was his only hope, and I let him die.
Haha...what should I do?
"..."
The answer is easy.
I promised him that I would never abandon him, even after death...I won't leave him alone.
I went around to the other side of the metal balcony railing.
The gray clouds were my signal, and once the sun began to rise, I let go.
My last wish is not forgiveness.
No.
I want to correct my mistake; I will never make him make this decision.
I am capable of giving this life and my future lives, as many lives as necessary if it means I can get him back, no...I just want him to live, even if it means I'm not there to see him.
Dark...
I opened my eyes.
[You know that suicide is a sin, right?]
It was a distorted voice, something that made me look around, and that's when I noticed a shadowy silhouette with a blue flame above its head.
"What does that matter? I would commit every sin...if only I could keep him from dying..."
[I can help you,] I closed my eyes, as if trying not to fall into the temptation of a demon, although I wasn't really fighting against it much. [I can make everything go back to normal, as many times as necessary...Azrael.]
"Azrael?" I turned to look at him. "That's not my name, my name is—"
[I will make it so that in your next reincarnation you can return to repeat this life, but I have only one condition...]
"..."
[Your heart, in every reincarnation, will be mine.]
My heart?
This thing is useless if it has no one to beat for.
"...Take whatever you want."
The only thing that matters to me is seeing him again, protecting him, not letting him commit suicide...
[You will continue reincarnating that life until you achieve your goal; will that be enough?]
More than enough.
I just need...not to make those mistakes again.
You see, Moon Ji-Hael? I still keep your promise, even now...I will never leave you alone.