"For you, I would cross the line, I would waste my time, I would lose my mind. They say 'she's gone too far this time.'" -T.S.
I woke up from another sleepless night spent in Justin's arms. I laid my head on his chest, but he was sound asleep, I could tell by his breathing. Deep and long breaths filled his lungs as I listened to his heart. Last night was intense in more ways than one. It was strange to think that before we argued relentlessly at work, so much so that we would always be in HR. But now it was weird arguing with him, arguing on such a personal level. This time it had nothing to do with due dates, time sheets and clients. It was about our unsustainable desire for each other, because the only thing we're both willing to admit is how bad neither of us wanted to stop. No matter how much we know it was hurting us or hurting the possibility of things progressing with Erik and Hannah. But laying here in his arms, in the little world we created for each other, none of it mattered. And I know that it is extremely selfish of us. Of me. To want them both, but for now, it was my truth. Erik in the morning, Justin at night. For now, it had to work out.
Finally Justin stirred underneath me, maybe he felt the way my brain was working in overdrive. I could feel his body stretch next to me as he slowly woke up. I turned to face him as his eyes looked at mine, still full of sleep.
"I fell asleep in here again? What time is it?" His voice was groggy, a little rasp in his words and something about his morning tone turned me on. But I shook the thought as I reached for my phone on the nightstand beside me.
"Yeah we fell asleep after our shower, but uhm it's about to be six in the morning. You should probably start heading out. I kinda have plans and need to be ready by seven." I set my phone back and turned to him. His face scanned mine, quietly, and I wished he would just tell me what he was thinking. But maybe that wasn't any of my business, maybe I had no right to know.
"Plans with Erik?" He asked cautiously.
I nodded softly, not needing to say the words out loud. His face shifted slightly, but in the same beat his smile crept in.
"Well I guess we should get up then," he said slowly, but neither of us moved. We laid there silently, our eyes locked, our hearts beating loudly, our breaths short, and even. His hand slowly slid up to my face, pulling it closer to his. Neither unlocked our gaze until he tilted my head down slightly and placed a soft kiss on my forehead. His body turned away from mine as he retracted his hand back to his side. I let out a sharp sigh as I sat up on the bed, pulling the sheets over my bare body. I leaned my back on the headboard, the cold wood sent a sharp jolt down my spine. Justin sat up the same moments later.
I felt like I had so much to say but nothing was coming out. I wanted to know what he thought about our argument? About our new agreement? About the fact that sleeping over was dangerous because deep down all I wanted was to be on top of him again? Did he feel the same? After last night I would assume so. But I didn't say or do anything. So we sat there, no words exchanged, just a few knowing glances.
Until a sharp knock pulled me out of my thoughts.
"August, it's Mals." Her voice echoed through my room. I could hear her turning the knob, I panicked but knew we had locked it the night before.
"Hey Mals, just a minute," I said as I jumped off the bed and darted for my robe. I threw it on and ran to the door, unlocking it and opening it just a crack.
"What's up?" I asked softly. Her face was pale, her eyes were deepset, almost like she hadn't slept all night. Her hair was unkept and tossed in an un planned messy bun, her pajamas weren't matching and her pout was deeper than usual. Everything seemed out of character. She must've gotten sick from the food as well. She put her hand on the door, used whatever energy she had and forced her way in. Justin was now on the edge of the bed, the blankets barely covering the fact that he wasn't wearing anything.
She stopped as she noticed him but she didn't even flinch. She shot a glance at me and then him before she walked to the opposite side of the bed.
"I need you to run to the store and get me anything that will give me some relief. I feel like I'm dying." She threw herself on the bed and groaned.
Justin and I just stared at each other confused, but neither said anything. She turned her body to face Justin who was sitting on the edge of the bed on the opposite side, he was quiet but the amusement on his face was undeniable. Her eyebrow perked up, almost like she realized what was going on in front of her and she opened her mouth but before she could say anything I cut in.
"Uhm yeah I can make a quick run to the store. But do you think you can wait in your room? We, uhm, kinda have to change." I walked over to her side of the bed, placing my hand on her leg.
"I can't move. It took me everything to walk across the hall." She turned to me now, and then pointed to the bathroom. "I promise I don't care nor want to know what you two were doing. I just need help. Please August." She pleaded, her face seeming more desperate than I had previously noticed.
I huffed a little but didn't argue, I grabbed a t-shirt, a pair of underwear and some shorts from my suitcase and walked into the bathroom. In the same breath, Justin wrapped his lower half in a blanket and grabbed his clothes that were bunched up on the floor beside him. He followed me to the bathroom, locking the door behind us.
"She must've had the same food Hannah did. And if it's hitting her like it did Hannah we should hurry up and see what we can get so she could feel better quicker." Justin said as he slipped back into his boxers.
"We?" I shot a puzzled look at him. I didn't expect him to come with me, I also don't think it's a good idea in case Erik comes over early. How would I explain why both Justin and I happened to be awake at the same exact time.
"Yeah, we." His voice was stern but it seemed more playful than serious.
"But what if Erik–"
"What if Erik what? We're staying in the same house, he knows we're friendly. It wouldn't be out of the ordinary or cause suspicion if we both went to the store. I'm not letting you go alone, especially if I'm already awake." This time his stern tone wasn't playful. He was serious, more serious than I originally sensed. My pointed look didn't deter him and I couldn't fight it much longer. He's right, we're bound to 'run' into each other naturally. It could easily be played off by saying we bumped into each other as I was leaving.
"Fine." I said, my eyes rolling so far back I felt a little tinge in my head. "But I'm driving."
"Nah! I'm driving, you are stuck being a passenger princess." He joked. My eyes rolled back once more as I slid my shorts up. I quickly brushed my teeth and brushed my hair before we both started heading for the bathroom door.
"Okay but I'm in charge of the music. And you will not have any quorums about what I play! Got it?" I threw the door open. Mallory was still on my bed, groaning as she tossed and turned slowly.
"We'll be right back Mals, please for the love of God do not throw up on my bed." I joked.
She sat up slightly on the bed and a small smirk appeared on her pale lips. "That wouldn't be the worst thing that has happened on this bed." She looked at Justin then back at me. Even when she was ailing, Mallory never missed an opportunity to push my buttons.
I glared at her before letting my bubble of laughter out. I couldn't deny that she wasn't entirely wrong. Both Justin and I put our shoes on and headed downstairs, leaving Mallory on the bed, probably wishing she hadn't eaten whatever it was that made her sick. As we made our way down the stairs we could see Dani sitting at the island with her head down on the counter top. I'm starting to feel grateful I didn't go with them. Marshall popped out of the pantry as we passed the living room and closer to Dani.
"Good morning August, Justin." Marshall politely nodded at each of us as he handed Dani a water bottle. He took the seat next to her and gently patted her back. Dani lifted her head from the counter and glanced over to us.
"Where are you two headed to this early in the morning?" Dani mustered while trying to swallow the gulp of water she took. I walked over to her and threw my arm over her shoulder, carefully pulling her into a hug.
"We're going to the store, Mallory is also just as sick so she asked us to pick some things up for her. Can we bring you back anything?" I asked as I let go of our embrace.
She squinted her eyes at Justin and then towards me. "How convenient that you were both up at the same time."
"Pure Luck–"
"Pure coincidence," Justin and I said at the same time. Her eyes jumped between Justin and I before letting out a soft laugh as she took another sip from her water.
"Please bring me back whatever you're bringing Mallory, oh and a blue gatorade, the light blue one not the dark blue. That one's gross." She said, placing her head gently back on the counter. Marshall handed Justin the keys and we started heading for the Jeep.
"We're awful at keeping this, us, a secret by the way." I joked. Justin laughed as he unlocked the Jeep. We made our way into the seats, buckling up the minute we got settled in.
"Yeah well it's not news to them anyways." He said over his shoulder as he began pulling out of the driveway. We didn't say anything at first, we sat quietly, not even the stereo was on. I don't know why neither of us were talking, it's not like we left things weird between us. Right?
Five minutes into the car ride and I couldn't handle the silence much longer so I finally grabbed the phone charger that connected my phone to the radio and turned some music on. I sifted through my phone to see what would lighten the mood. Something tells me he and I don't listen to the same music. I finally landed on one of my favorite songs. I turned the knob on the stereo to blast 'Don't Blame Me' by Taylor Swift.
"Taylor Swift?" He asked, looking over at me as I tried resisting my smile.
"Yes and what about it?" I said playfully, still looking down at my phone. "Wait, how do you know this is Taylor, it's not even a radio song?" I finally looked up from my phone, now he was the one trying to resist cracking a smile.
"I am a man of many genres, August. Also her voice is very distinguishable." He turned the music down just a tad and as we stopped at a red light he looked over with a smug smile. "So I shouldn't blame you for being addicted to me?" His eyes bounced from me to the light a few times, probably watching for my reaction. But I didn't say anything else, instead I pulled the windows down and turned the volume up. Letting the music and the sound of the wind drown out my voice as I began to sing at the top of my lungs.
"THEY SAY SHE'S GONE TO FAR THIS TIME!" I shouted as the light turned green. I could hear Justin's laughter through the loud music and my own voice. And then not even a minute later he joined me at the bridge of the song. And for a moment nothing else in the world existed except us, the coast and Taylor Swift. I hated how easy this was with him. Because it shouldn't be this easy, it should be an awkward car ride. I should feel uncomfortable having confessed to him that I didn't want us to stop hooking up. And he should be mad that I sort of, kind of asked him not to sleep with Hannah yet. But it's not awkward. It's fun, and lighthearted and somehow I still can't even comprehend how I got here. Nothing in my past would've shown me that this is where I would be at this point in time. But somehow I'm okay with it. The song ended and I figured if he enjoyed one Taylor song he might just be an undercover swiftie so I cranked up my ultimate playlist and let the songs roll.
We sang and laughed all the way to the store. I couldn't help but to make fun of him slightly because at one point he knew the lyrics better than I did.
"So what ex introduced you to Taylor Swift?" I jokingly asked as I jumped out of the Jeep and shut the door behind me.
He shook his head as he locked the doors and started making his way to the entrance of the store. I followed right behind him, genuinely curious.
"Not an ex." He said.
"So then who? I can't imagine you found her on your own and enjoyed her on your own. No offense!" I said playfully, trying to read his stiff reaction. But he didn't say anything else, we just made our way through the aisles in silence. I felt like it struck a nerve and now I regretted even playing it in the car. We spent the entire shopping trip making curt conversation about what to get Mallory and Dani. It wasn't until we got back to the Jeep that I noticed his eyes were red. Almost like he was crying. I struck more than just a nerve. We threw the bags in the back seat and piled back into the car, this time though I didn't connect my phone. He turned the car on and sped out of the parking lot.
The quiet was so loud. It felt almost suffocating because I don't know what I said that could've warranted this reaction. But regardless, I knew I had to apologize for prying.
"Justin, I'm sorry I shouldn't said anything I–"
"August," He let out a sharp sigh. "Please just drop it, it's fine. I'm fine." He sniffled for a split second, I knew he wasn't fine.
I know I shouldn't continue to pry but something about this feels off. I can feel it in my gut that something is not okay. "You're clearly not fine. So please don't push me away."
"I'm not pu–"
"Yes you are!" I argued back. "So either tell me or we're just gonna sit here very awkwardly and then when we get back we're gonna awkwardly avoid each other, giving ourselves away once again."
He didn't say anything, he just looked my way and I could see something in him was more broken than I realized.
"So what's it going to be?" I asked quieter than I intended to, his broken face making me lose the confidence I started with. But still he said nothing, he just let out a deep sigh. I turned my body toward the door and crossed my arms. Not out of anger but out of discomfort. I started feeling guilty for prying. It's clearly something he doesn't want to talk about.
"I'm sorry for asking, it's not my place, I was just curious." I said quietly but he didn't say anything he barely even flinched as I apologized.
We were about fifteen minutes away from getting to the rental that I heard him start to talk.
"My mom's younger sister, aunt Molly, would pick me up every day from school. She had started picking me up because my dad had hurt my mom to the point where my mom wasn't able to pick me up one day . Aunt Molly was my other emergency contact." His voice was a little shaky causing him to stop talking but slowly he gained enough strength to continue. "She was always listening to Taylor Swift. At first it was annoying 'cause I was a little kid who was embarrassed by what I considered 'kid' music. The irony that I was a kid was lost on me at the time." He cracked a small smile but kept talking. "But she played it anyway. Sometimes when she would drop me off we could hear my dad yelling at my mom through the closed door, so she would take me back to her car and would turn the music up all the way, trying to drown out the yelling until my mom would come outside for me."
I had turned my body back to him, I could see the hurt in his face, I didn't know what to say or what to do so I just sat there, quietly listening.
"That lasted until I got to high school. And then my sophomore year I was trying out for JV football and told her not to come get me, that I would be out late and probably catch a ride with a friend. When I got home that night I found my mom in tears on the ground." He looked at me for a split second, only to shift back to the road again.
"Something in me just snapped. I was tired of my dad beating my mom so I started running around the house looking for him. I just remember my mom yelling for me to stop, and that he wasn't home. And when I finally calmed down my mom said she wasn't crying because of dad. She was crying because aunt Molly had been killed by her boyfriend earlier that day. I don't really remember anything after that. Just her funeral. That kinda woke my mom up a little bit. So later that month was when my mom and I finally tried to escape my dad until he–well you know what he did to her when we tried to leave."
I could see a small tear drop down his cheek before he hurried to wipe it away. But I saw it, I saw the flicker of pain in his eyes even if he was trying to hide it. Justin had been through so much in such a small amount of time. He makes so much more sense to me now. But even after all that we've been through this last week, I couldn't come up with the words that would comfort and take his pain away. And I don't even think it's my place. So I didn't say anything again, I just tossed my hand to his lap, and a second later he wrapped his hand gently around mine. I could feel his knuckles gently graze mine, like he was trying to soothe himself through me.
"I hadn't listened to Taylor Swift since she passed. I tried but every single time I heard Taylor's voice it would transport me back to those days in my aunt Molly's car. I just could never bring myself to listen to the music that was brought by my favorite person. But today, I don't know, it felt like for a moment I got that back. That innocence I felt when we would be driving home from school hadn't been broken at the hands of abusive men." He bit his lower lip and shook his head. Shaking the haunting memories away.
"I wish I would've known, Justin, I wouldn't have played her."
"Don't apologize August, you couldn't have guessed, besides I don't know," he shrugged and laughed a little. "I kinda miss listening to her. And to you I can admit she's my guilty pleasure."
"Well she's had some pretty great albums since reputation, so if you ever find yourself curious, I think you should give it a listen. I didn't know your aunt Molly but I imagine she would've loved it just as much too." I held his hand a little tighter. He looked over at me with a soft smile but his eyes glistened with a deep sadness. I wish I could know what he was thinking.
"I don't know how you do it, August." He said quietly.
"Do what?" I asked playfully, trying to ease the rising anxiety I felt in my chest.
"I don't know how you get me to open up without even trying." He glanced over to me, his tone was sincere, his smile was even more so. And for a second I didn't know how to respond. I didn't even realize I had that effect on him. But looking back on it, he had opened up to me about a lot, starting with his dad on the plane ride. Even opening up about his own insecurities on how he was having a hard time having sex. Something he's clearly good at. But then just the other night he admitted how sex was his coping mechanism from his trauma. And still, I can't believe just how much our dynamic has changed. How much we had shared with one another.
"I just have that effect on people I guess, maybe my charm, my wit or my beauty. But probably the ability to pry until you crack without noticing I'm prying." I playfully shrugged my shoulders, trying to break the rising tension between us. And after a light squeeze, he let go of my hand.
Easy. This is too easy. But he knows exactly how to ruin a moment. Almost like he also was feeling like this was too easy, too risky, too comfortable.
"So what grand plans do you have with your lover boy that requires you to wake up so early?"
"Lover boy?" I asked, rolling my eyes playfully.
"Isn't he your lover boy? Isn't he pining for sweet August's love?" His tone was joking but his look was a little pointed. His expression made my stomach twist until he cracked a smile.
"Whatever, Justin." I rolled my eyes again, less playful this time. "But if you must know, I have no clue. He just said he was going to be over around seven and I agreed." I shrugged, it wasn't a big deal, Erik had always been very secretive. Our dates were no exceptions to that.
"So he says jump and you ask how high?" His eyebrow raised, I couldn't tell if he was being serious or not.
"No, he asked me out and I said yes. I'm allowed to be surprised. Besides, it's you who tells me to jump and before you can finish your sentence I'm already in the air." I said, giving his arm a light punch. He flinched comically, rubbing his forearm like I'd actually done damage.
"What does that even mean, August?" He glanced over at me for a brief second before shifting back to the road.
"I think you know what that means, Justin." I shot him a pointed look, narrowing my eyes.
"No, no please explain what you mean?" He was in on it now, he knew what I had meant, but was going to make me say it out loud.
"It just means you have me right where you want me." I teased, but also I was testing the waters. Trying to see if I could push him to me the way he does. So effortlessly it infuriates me.
"This is awful timing and I know I shouldn't say this but you have no idea how badly I want you right now." He pulled up to the stop sign and looked over to me. His eyes were full of lust. Turns out I might have a little pull on him after all.
"You know…car sex has always intrigued me." I said, pushing the boundary even more.
His eyebrow shot up. "Sounds like we have to add it to our list." His voice was low now, like he was trying not to lose himself in his imagination. His hand landed on my thigh, caressing it up and down, getting a little too close to a certain area. I didn't move his hand, I didn't want to. Not when it sent tingles all over my body. My skin flushed under his touch.
A small laugh bubbled out of me. "How would that even work? You can't even sit in the backseat without your knees being up to your chest." I joked. It got too hot too soon, I needed to cool down.
"Oh, August. When there's a will there's a way, and believe me, I'll find a way to bend you over and fuck—" He froze mid-sentence.
"Hey, is that Erik?" He pointed to a person on the other side of the road. It was Erik. And now my skin flushed for a different reason. Erik noticed us and waved. I grabbed Justin's hand and peeled it off my thigh, trying to keep calm. We pulled over to the side, and Justin rolled down the window.
"Hey, man. I'm assuming you're going to our place. Do you want a ride?" Justin asked.
Erik hesitated for just a second before nodding and running over. He jumped into the back seat and immediately clicked his seatbelt. I turned to look at Justin; the hand that had been on my thigh was now locked around the steering wheel. His jaw clenched a little too tight as Erik made himself comfortable.
"Good morning, August." I felt his hand land softly on my shoulder. "So what are you two up to so early? I was just heading over to wake you up, but looks like you beat me to it." He let out a quiet laugh.
My skin still burned where Justin's hand had been, and now Erik's voice felt like ice water down my spine. I needed to find my footing before I made this short drive even more awkward.
"Oh—uh, Mallory woke me up. I think she's got food poisoning. She needed me to grab some stuff for her," I said, forcing the words to sound natural, like my voice hadn't just been begging Justin to—
I cut the thought off because the heat was crawling too far up my neck.
"Oh yeah, Hannah's pretty sick too. I wonder what they ate," Erik said, his voice giving nothing away. "And you, Justin?" His tone shifted, still casual, but something in it made my pulse quicken.
"I usually wake up around this time to work out," Justin said easily. "Caught her right as she was slipping out the door. Figured she shouldn't go alone. Plus I needed a breather, I heard Dani and Mallory sick all night." Justin shook his head like he was trying to get the fake memory of them throwing up out of his head. He was too good at this.
Seconds later, we pulled into the driveway of our rental. The Jeep came to an abrupt stop. And before I could open the car door, Erik was already there. His hand extended to me, helping me out of the jeep. I felt a small flutter, one part blushing, one part guilt. I grabbed the bag and we headed inside.
"Well I'm gonna finally start my work out. I'll catch ya later Erik." He shook Erik's hand before turning to me. "August, think about what we said in the car. Get back to me if you're down for it." Justin winked and bumped my arm lightly as he headed towards the garage door. Just when I thought we were in the clear, he had to go and shake things up for me. I glanced over at Erik, I could tell he was questioning what we had said.
I rolled my eyes, playing the part like Justin hadn't asked to do unspeakable things with me in a car. "He is so annoying. I jokingly told him I wanted to do another long hike. And I guess he found one that's 10.5 miles each way." I laughed at the lie and how ridiculous I felt having to lie. There was no saving myself from that. The guilt of the conversation we actually had hit me in the chest as Erik smiled and laughed.
"21 miles? Is he insane?" Erik said jokingly. He bought it for now. "So we're a little past seven but it's okay. Go take care of the girls and I'll wait for you down here." He nodded softly as he headed for the living room couch. I dropped Dani's stuff on the kitchen counter and made sure I had Mallory's things before I headed for the stairs.
"Oh and wear a bathing suit but also we're regular clothes on top." He shouted to me as I started making my way up the steps.
I opened the door to my room and Mallory was still in my bed, her snores echoed off the walls. Before I could wake her, my phone buzzed in my pocket. Justin.
Justin: "I don't even feel sorry for doing that."
August: "what the fuck is wrong with YOU!!!!!!!"
Justin: "okay, okay I'm a little sorry. But only because all I can think about is bending you over. He cut us off at the best part. I was about to *show you* exactly how car sex would work."
Justin: "I've got a lot of steam to burn."
August: "now I'm gonna make you earn bending me over and... ;)"
Justin: "I'm always up for a challenge."
And just before I could respond, Mallory tossed slightly, waking herself up.
"Oh good. You're back." She said, her voice hoarse from sleep or throwing up.
She sat up just enough for me to see how pale she was. I darted over to her, Gatorade in hand. She reluctantly grabbed it, taking a small sip before setting it down.
"I feel like death," she whispered.
"You look like it," I teased, trying to lighten the mood. She gave me a pity laugh before grabbing the bag from my hand and rummaging through it.
"Ha ha, very funny," she said as she opened the bright pink bottle of pepto. "So did I hallucinate or did I see Justin naked earlier?" She asked as she took a big gulp straight from the medicine bottle.
"You did not hallucinate it, unfortunately for both of us." I sighed.
"Oh thank God. I thought the fever was making me feral. Like I've always known he was easy on the eyes." She teased me back. "But uh, didn't know he was well equipped. The noises coming out of this room make sense now."
"MALLORY!" I went to cover her mouth as she laughed at her own admission. "Erik is downstairs. Shhh!" My index finger hit my lip softly as I tried convincing her to keep it down.
"Oh relax Auggie. I'm sick, and probably delusional. No one is gonna believe me." She closed the lid and threw the pepto back in the bag. Laying herself back down on the bed. "So what's Erik doing over so early?" She asked.
"We had plans, not sure what they are exactly. He just asked me to be ready by seven. I'm gonna start getting dressed. Are you planning on staying in my room all day?" I asked her, slipping my shoes and shorts off. I walked over to my suitcase, looking for my yellow two piece bikini.
"Can I? My room feels stuffy and I like having the beach breeze on my face." She pointed to the balcony door that was slid open. I nodded as I started putting my bikini on.
"Yeah just as long as you don't throw up on my bed, or anywhere that's hard to clean." I quipped. I can see her body shake a little from laughing. I slipped into my bikini.
"No promises. Actually, maybe I'll go back to my room. This bed's seen things no one should bear witness to."
I rolled my eyes and pulled a t-shirt on, then denim shorts. "Whatever Mals," I mumbled.
"So I take it we're still having earth-shattering Justin sex?" She sat up again, this time though she looked thoughtful, like she really just wanted to be there for me. I threw my hair in a ponytail and walked over to sit on the edge of the bed beside her.
"Last night was actually earth-shattering make up sex. We kinda got into a heated argument." I caressed my arm, trying to soothe myself, or maybe stop the discomfort I was feeling as I opened up to her.
She offered me a smile, one that wouldn't reach her eyes even if she tried. "I kinda heard yelling, but before I could check up on you it stopped." A small pout formed on her lips. "What did you guys even fight about?" She asked, voice lower than before.
I shook my head and let out a small laugh thinking of last night's fight. "It was nothing, it was stupid…"
"It didn't sound like 'nothing'," she cut me off, raising an eyebrow. She knew me better than I ever cared to admit.
"He came over late last night from Hannah's. And if you recall Hannah's persistence to jump his bones, yeah, it was kinda about that. Since he came over so late, and had freshly showered, I assumed he had just been with her and was now coming over to be with me. That just gave me the ick. I said it yesterday to you, the thought alone grosses me out." I let out a sharp laugh.
"But you had make up sex? So he and she didn't?"
I nodded cautiously, like if I moved too quickly I'd break. "She also has food poisoning." I glanced over at Mallory who looked nothing but intrigued.
"You're still letting the current take you? What about Erik? You said he's downstairs right?" Now she looked confused but questioning. Like she was questioning my decision making skills.
"Yeah," I said softly, mostly to myself. "Erik's downstairs."
Mallory watched me for a second, eyes squinting, head tilted on the pillow like she was trying to read between the lines. She didn't say anything right away, just hummed, a low, knowing sound that felt like a mirror I didn't want to look into.
"Mm. Well," she said finally, rolling onto her side. "Maybe you should figure out what ocean you actually wanna swim in before you drown in both."
I sighed, because I had no rebuttal and she was right. "Go back to sleep," I told her, but there was no real bite in it.
"Gladly," she murmured, eyes already fluttering shut. "Wake me when the drama dies."
I knew she wasn't wrong but I'm still not ready to settle for one or the other. Truthfully I don't even know what I want anymore. I'm more confused than ever. It's not like I want more from Justin, it's just the small part of me that questions if I'm ready to even commit to someone. I'd been locked up in a cage for so long, dreaming of cracking locks. And now I'm here, the cage door has been flung open. So how could I decide what I want for myself when I don't even know what's out there?
But then I see Erik and when I'm with him it feels right. Like there's nothing left to see because he is everything I could need. And then there's Justin. Tall, muscular, too hot for his own good, intoxicating, infuriating, Justin. And it makes me wonder why I'd even bother settling down. It's fun, new and exhilarating but there's always that edge of fear, that I could get burned, burned to a crisp. And then there's a sliver in me that wonders if maybe I should just be alone. At least for a bit, while I sort my life out. I don't even know where I'm going to live when I get home. How could I pick one or the other when I don't have a place to call my own?