"And the skeletons in both our closets plotted hard to fuck this up." -T.S.
I took one breath before I went downstairs, told myself not to think about Justin, not today. I needed one day for Erik. One day without the overwhelming heat, even after our earlier car sex discussion.
Erik was patiently waiting for me on the couch, scrolling through his phone. I assumed he was replying to emails more than he was scrolling through social media. He was so fixed on whatever he was typing that he didn't hear me come down the steps.
I watched him quietly, taking in how his eyebrow pinched together when he would stop typing. Or how he bit the inside of his cheek after he finally figured out what he was going to say. Finally after a beat I cleared my throat, capturing his attention.
"Hey, sorry I was making sure Mallory was okay." I said softly as I walked over to the couch. He moved over slightly so I could sit next to him.
"No, it's okay! I was replying to some emails. You know the wicked never rest."
"They're also never mourned." I joked.
He laughed at my joke and shook his head lightly.
"Well, we still have plenty of daytime to kill and our reservation is not till 9am. You down to make breakfast here?" He slid his phone in his pocket and patiently waited for my response.
"My skills in the kitchen are very limited as you know, but, sure why not. What did you have in mind?" I narrowed my eyes for a split second before cracking a smile.
"I make a mean omelette."
"I'll be the judge of that!" I exclaimed as we both got up from the couch and eagerly made our way over to the kitchen.
"Okay so I'm gonna have you dice the green and red bell peppers, oh and the onion while I fry the bacon. Think you can handle that?" He teased me.
I playfully rolled my eyes as I opened the fridge, taking out the onion and the peppers. "Listen, I would be able to survive if I had to! And now that I'm not gonna live with my mom I'm gonna have to figure it out so I can handle it!" I shoved him softly as he reached for the pan in the cabinet, laughing as he nearly lost his balance.
I grabbed a knife and a cutting board as he started frying the bacon, and then I moved on to washing the veggies. Seconds later he turned to look at me for a brief second before turning back to the frying pan.
"Oh that's right, so what now? Where are you moving to? With Mals?" He asked over his shoulder. I paused for a second, I hadn't given it much thought, I'd been living so in the moment that the near future never crossed my mind.
"Uhm, I don't actually know, probably not with Mallory. But uh, next week I'm going to start applying to a few apartments I found. Hopefully something gives before we leave, otherwise my little corolla is going to have to house me for a while." I laughed at my own admission. I tried not to let it sting that I was basically homeless when we go back home. I knew I had to shift my attention to the cutting board so I couldn't overthink my reality.
I started cutting into the peppers first. I focused on cutting them as precisely as I could. We quietly worked around each other, not saying much, just enjoying our company. It was so calm, something I'd never thought I'd feel with someone. But truthfully, in the back of my mind all I could think about was my mom, and how I no longer had a place to call home.
Once I finished with the peppers I moved on to the onion. My eyes welled up immediately, from the onion or maybe from my sad reality. I sniffled as the tears filled my eyes, and then I felt Erik's arm lightly glide up my back and he moved me enough to meet his gaze.
"This onion is really strong, it def has a bite to it." My attempt at a smile was bleak.
"Yeah, I'm sure it does," he said softly. He cupped my face in his hands, in the same beat he wiped a tear that finally broke and glided down my cheek. A knot formed in my throat, threatening to choke me into crying. But I pushed it down, I couldn't let him see me like this, I didn't want to let him see how broken I truly was.
"I know we haven't really figured out what we are but, August, you're not alone. You have me. What if you moved in with me? As roommates?" His question lingered in the air. His voice cradled my heart, protecting it from shattering as he offered something I don't know if I could accept. The anxiety crawled up my spine at the thought of saying yes. How could I accept it when I wasn't even sure what I wanted? But I can't tell him that, not right now.
"Erik, I can't inconvenience you like that." I said quietly.
"Why not?" He shook his head, trying to read my face. "I have a spare room, my apartment has plenty of space for two people just trying to figure out what they are to each other? Don't say no." He pulled my forehead up to his lips, and he pressed a soft kiss, holding it there for a moment. Another tear fell down and I wiped it before he could notice. And before I could say anything we heard the garage door open. I stepped back, shifting my focus to the onions once more.
I turned to look as Justin walked in from the foyer. He stood at the edge of the counter, shirtless, sweaty and smirking. He captured my gaze more than I wanted it to. I knew I had to look away but after the emotional moment I had, I needed a distraction. Though I don't think this was the best option. Not with Erik so close by.
I watched Justin cautiously as he ran the towel across his body, wiping the sweat that dripped from his neck. I was trying not to let Erik see how my eyes lingered when Justin reached the V of his lower stomach. But Erik caught it, he caught the way my head tilted a centimeter to the right. And the way Justin smirked when he noticed me watching. Erik caught it all, whether he questioned it was another story. He didn't let it show. He went back to the stove, like he was compartmentalizing everything.
I quickly returned to chopping the onion, that wasn't surrendering the fight with my eyes. I wiped my face with a paper towel, holding it over my eyes because the onion did not let up.
"The onion attacking you?" Justin asked as he sat down in the kitchen stool in front of me.
"Uh, yeah a little. How was your workout?" I asked, trying to mellow my voice out as best as I could.
"I had a lot of steam to burn off so it was good. I might even get another workout in later. Who knows?" Justin's smile was sly, I knew what type of workout he was referring to. "So what are you two love birds up to?" He glanced at Erik then his eyes traveled to mine, letting them stay on me for too long.
"We're making omelettes. Can I make you one?" Erik asked casually. I couldn't tell if he was suspicious of us or not. He didn't even acknowledge Justin's condescending 'love birds' comment.
"Nah, man. It's okay, my order is a little complicated. You know, counting macros and all that." Justin waved him off gently. "I'll just make mine when you two are done. I'm gonna shower but I'll be back so don't worry about cleaning up, I got it." Justin's smile was easy now, collected, his whole body loose with that cocky post-workout aura. He winked at me the second Erik turned toward the stove.
And Erik must've sensed it because while he didn't turn around, his shoulders went rigid for half a breath. Not long. Just long enough to know he felt something shift in the room.
My phone buzzed moments after he left, because he just couldn't help himself. I reached over the counter, pulling my phone close to my body, hoping Erik couldn't read my messages over my shoulder.
Justin: "I'll be thinking 'bout you in the shower. wishing you were in here with me. I saw where those eyes were looking."
August: "If you could see me right now you'd watch my eyes roll soooo far back at how insufferable you are."
Justin: "I can make your eyes roll back for a different reason. Tell him you need to use the bathroom. I only need 5 minutes. I'll even make you forget how to breathe..."
Electricity crawled through my veins reading his texts. I felt the tingles pool in the lower part of my stomach. But I couldn't give in. I told myself and him that I would focus on Erik during the day and lower my inhibitions for him at night.
August: "What did we say about where my attention would be during the day???"
Justin: "you're right… but you're missing out."
Erik's voice cut through my wandering thoughts. I locked my phone and placed it back on the counter.
"It's weird not seeing you and Justin be so volatile towards each other. Don't get me wrong, It's a nice change of pace with you two being uh, good friends, but it's just funny I guess." He laughed but it fell flat. Almost like he was trying to convince himself of something but he wasn't truly buying it.
"Yeah well it's only a matter of time before that volcano erupts again. He knows how to push my buttons." I turned to look at him as he cracked a few eggs into the sizzling pan, his smile was soft but his eyes told another story.
"Hannah tells me they're dating now?" He asked. My stomach shifted slightly. I felt odd talking about Justin to Erik, but I know I have to play it off like if I was talking about a friend. Just a friend. His eyes narrowed a little but he just turned towards the stove again.
"They are dating. But I don't know for how long." My words slipped out before I could stop them. I bit my tongue but it was too late. Erik's eyebrows pinched together and he turned to look at me. Confused.
"What makes you say that?"
It was out there, I couldn't take it back anymore. Now there was no way out of it. "At our girls' day yesterday she opened up about a certain something and I don't know. I think they want different things, but they just don't know how to tell each other." I shrugged, leaning against the counter and watching his reaction intently.
"Want different things like?" His curiosity peaked, more than I needed it to be.
I sighed, "well for starters when have you ever heard of Justin being the commitment type? Hannah wants that. Marriage, kids, a house, a life outside of partying."
"And what does Justin want?" He leaned in closer to me. His stare was so strong it felt like he had a flashlight in his hand, flashing it on me. But I did this to myself. I dug this hole.
"I don't know but I don't think it's that." I nodded my head, and shrugged my shoulders again. Playing it as cool as possible.
"And what do you want?" he asked.
He wasn't looking at the stove anymore. He was looking straight at me. Searching. Scanning.
His fingers drummed once on the counter, a tiny restless tap he probably didn't notice himself doing.
So I was honest with him for the first time in a long time. "Well, I know I want to go back to school. And I see myself graduating, maybe even passing the bar. I obviously want to be married and have kids in the distant future. But more than anything I just want to be happy again." The words fell heavy on my heart. Maybe because I was asking for too much. I looked over to Erik who watched me cautiously.
"What about you?" I asked. It was my turn to pry. We had never truly talked about what he wanted. He's mentioned things in passing but we've never sat down and had a serious conversation about it.
He moved the omelette from the pan to a plate, pausing for a moment like he needed to gather his courage. He looked at me, then at the plate, then back at me as he set it down on the table. When he walked back, he didn't go to the stove, he came right beside me, leaning one hip into the counter, closer than before. Close enough that his arm brushed mine on purpose.
"I don't want much," he said finally, voice softer than I expected. His eyes flicked to my mouth for half a second before he blinked it away. "But I know I want a… full life."
He breathed out slowly, like he was afraid of saying too much.
"A life with experiences. Traditions. Love." He looked at my hands on the cutting board like he was imagining them in a different future entirely.
"I want to be the kind of man my dad actually raised me to be. A husband. A father." His voice caught, barely, like the words were heavier than he meant them to be. "I want… the little stuff. Sunday mornings making pancakes. Kids fighting over the blue cup. A dog stealing food off the counter."
He breathed out a small laugh, one that softened the whole room.
"I want Christmas lights. Some that I'll definitely fall off a ladder trying to hang, 'cause my wife has some ridiculous vision she saw on Pinterest and decided we definitely needed it. I want noise. A house that feels alive. A life that isn't just… passing by."
His smile was crooked, earnest, a little shy. Like he hadn't painted a perfect portrait for me with his words.
And suddenly I saw it. The laughter, the Christmas lights, the milestones. Kids running outside on a snowy morning. The walk to the park: one hand gripping the dog leash, the other pushing a stroller. The smell of syrup on a lazy Sunday. The mock-fights over the remote. A home that felt lived in, not borrowed. Everything I ever wanted was wrapped up in his words.
My eyes prickled before I could blink it away. One blink too slow. One breath too deep.
A single, stupid tear welled up, catching the light right as he looked at me.
His expression softened instantly. "And I also want to be happy," he said, quieter now. "That's all, really. Someone to build all of that with. Someone who… wants the same things."
The air between us stretched thin. He didn't move. Didn't break eye contact.
Just waited softly, but intently to see what I'd do with everything he'd just handed me.
"Maybe it is a lot after all," he finally murmured, shrugging like it didn't matter when it very obviously did. "Maybe it's too much to ask for."
I didn't even notice that I had my arms wrapped tightly around my body. Like I was consoling myself as Erik poured out his hopes and dreams. Considering the fact maybe I wanted to be a part of them.
"Erik that's—"
"A lot?"
"No, beautiful. I don't even know how to put it into words, but that's a life worth living." My voice went quiet as I imagined it again. The house, the kids sitting around the fireplace while he reads them a book. The way the Christmas lights would twinkle. I can almost taste the Sunday pancakes. And just as I started losing myself in it again, his voice cut through.
"Come on let's eat, we have to leave in like twenty minutes or so." His smile wasn't as warm as usual, a part of me felt like my reaction to his 'wants' wasn't what he was expecting.
We made our way over to the table, and quietly started eating the omelette that sat in front of us. The sounds of the forks clinking against the ceramic plates weren't loud enough to drown out the guilt that clouded my head. I watched him carefully as he took another bite and almost like the universe needed some more spice, Justin finally finished his shower and came back down to the kitchen.
"Hey," Justin said casually to the both of us as he walked over to the stove. But neither Erik nor I said anything. Just nodded politely as we continued eating.
"Okaaay, uh are you guys going to use the rest of this bacon?" Justin asked now more cautiously, like he sensed the tension that surrounded us.
"Nah, help yourself." Erik waved towards the plate of cooked bacon we hadn't used. "There's some leftover peppers and onions too if you'd like." He said.
"Oh, thanks man. So what are your guys plans for the rest of the day?" Justin was still treading lightly. He was trying to suss out why neither of us were speaking, but we gave nothing away. Just fake smiles and even faker responses.
"It's still a mystery to me," I said playfully, but it didn't land.
"August and I are actually going to go snorkeling. We're gonna take a boat out to a spot that has some amazing ocean life. She had mentioned once that she never got to do that despite living here." Erik glanced over to me, watching my reaction at a small thing I had told him a month ago. I couldn't help the genuine smile that formed on my lips.
"You remembered that?" I asked softly, this time it was meant just for him. He didn't say anything, just mirrored my smile and nodded. And just like that the tension melted around us.
"That sounds sick," Justin said, bursting our newly formed bubble. He tossed a piece of bell pepper into his mouth, watching Erik and I with an intensity I'd never felt from him before.
Erik moved his gaze towards Justin again. "And you?"
"Hannah and I were supposed to go to some caves but…well as you know, that's kinda cancelled." Justin laughed a little as he busied himself cooking his breakfast.
Erik looked back to me for a beat, studying my face, and then back to Justin. "Well if you're not doing anything you can always join us?"
My breath hitched but I tried not to make a sound. Justin glanced over at us for a split second, his eyes meeting mine for a fraction too long. I sensed he was trying to gauge my reaction. And then he laughed to himself, a soft chuckle, almost like he played out how our day would go if he joined us.
"I mean it sounds like a pretty good time," Justin's voice dipped a little, his tone was near condescending and his signature smirk started rearing its ugly head. "But I'll have to pass, I think I'm gonna go for a run. I need to clear my head a bit. Appreciate the offer though." His smile softened now and he returned to what he was doing.
Erik nodded and looked at his watch, then he started standing up, taking one more bite. "Well we should start getting ready to head out. I'm gonna run to the other house real quick, I forgot my back pack. I'll be back in less than ten minutes." He lightly touched my arm and headed for the back door.
I held my breath as I watched him walk through the backyard and out the back gate. Then seconds later I turned to look at Justin who, like clock work, was already looking at me.
"I take it we're fighting with our boyfriend not-boyfriend?" Justin asked smugly. I didn't respond right away, I just grabbed the plate and tossed out the food remnants in the trash. But I could feel his gaze tearing into me.
"Don't tell me you're mad at me too, August?" I faced him as he walked closer to me, making me take a step back and bump into the counter. Suddenly the kitchen felt too small for the both of us.
I let out a sharp sigh. This is so much more complicated than I ever expected it to be. Still I didn't say anything.
Justin took a step back from me when he noticed my eyes welling up. His smirk faltered and something uneasy flicked across his face. "August? I'm just playing around."
Again I stayed quiet, words just wouldn't form, it was like they were trapped in my throat, trying to claw out but I wouldn't let them. The concern grew on his face, he took another step back, enough to lean on the counter behind him. "I'm sorry if I pushed it too far."
I don't know why my eyes welled up even more, there was no need for these many emotions to course through me so early in the morning. I couldn't handle the emotional whiplash much longer. And when Justin's hand reached out and grabbed my shoulder, there was no other option but to break down just a little. The tears streamed down my cheeks, slowly but steadily. I threw my hands in my face, trying to hide as much of my emotions as I could but he caught it anyway. Within seconds I felt his arms wrapping around me and pulling me into his chest. I didn't fight it. I couldn't.
His hand caressed my head gently, while his other arm held me close. We didn't move for a moment. Then, I felt his lips press firmly on the top of my head, that gave me just enough strength to put myself back together. I wiped my tears away and put my hands on his chest, giving him the smallest push to let him know I needed to breathe. His arms dropped to his side as he let go of me but stayed close. His gaze stayed fixed on me as I walked over to get a napkin.
"Is everything okay?" He asked softly. I wiped my tears and my nose but still didn't break my silence. I leaned on the counter as Justin looked around, like he was looking for the right words that would make me break the silence.
"Did he do something to you?" His face quickly shifted into a scowl, his fist clenched ever so slightly and his eyes darted from me and the window that faced their rental house. His sudden protectiveness shifted something inside me, and the spell was broken, I could finally talk.
"No, Justin. He didn't do anything to me. I think he caught wind that there is something going on between us." I paused for a second, reeling in from my admission. "But instead of asking me directly, he asked about you and Hannah. And then that turned into a conversation about what I truly wanted."
I stopped again, trying to gather my thoughts before I admitted to Justin just how guilty I was feeling at the hands of our selfish needs. "And then he poured out his entire future, and his hopes and dreams and I…I want that, all of it. But I don't know if I can give him any of it. Not when… not because of…" I shut down once more. Because if I finished that sentence, Justin would know he was the reason I didn't know if I could be everything Erik ever wanted. He would know just how much our sneaking around and hooking up has bent something in me.
Now Justin was mute. Maybe the words caught in his throat the way the words had caught in mine. And for a moment we just stared at each other. And the silence between us, always said too much. Sometimes we didn't need to say anything to know what the other was thinking. This is too much too soon and no matter how badly we didn't wanna pull away it was getting harder to carry on.
The air felt stiff, like it was depleting from my lungs, and Justin's gaze no longer offered the comfort I needed. So I bolted. Straight for the stairs. Straight for my room. All I could hear was Justin's voice calling my name but I couldn't look back. I just needed to find my balance, catch my breath, and clear my head all before Erik got back.
I opened my bedroom door softly, trying not to wake Mallory, who was still laying on my bed. I could hear her soft snores as I tiptoed to the bathroom. Closing the door behind me, I walked straight to the sink, turning the cold water knob. I splashed my red flushed cheeks, the relief was sharp but instant. My breathing slowed and even though I felt off kilter, I knew I found just enough footing to stay balanced. I looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes stung red, but not puffy. My cheeks were still slightly blushed, but I knew I couldn't hide in here forever. So I started making my way out of my bathroom, and out of my bedroom.
I made it to the edge of the steps before stopping abruptly. I could hear Erik was back, and I could hear they were talking. I tried making little to no noise, eavesdropping even though I shouldn't.
"Yeah, Hannah is still in rough shape. You, uh, gonna go visit her later?" Erik asked Justin. His tone was light but the way he prolonged his words made it sound like he was probing.
"I don't know, I texted her earlier and she said she didn't want me to see her like this." Justin responded with a casualness I knew all too well. He knew how to play these games. He knew how to respond so quickly, it felt like he was always two steps ahead.
"All girls are like that, am I right? Never want to let us see'em for who they really are." There was an edge in Erik's voice before he let out a soft chuckle. "Well, a little mystery never hurts anyone. I know August likes to be coy but, it just makes it that much more…interesting." The way Erik said my name didn't sit well in my stomach. This wasn't probing anymore, this was tiptoeing across a land mine, waiting to see if he'd set one off.
But Justin didn't falter, his comeback was quick. "Sometimes being coy is just being guarded. I can't really blame August for being guarded, you know the stuff with her mom must've messed her up. Some people wouldn't survive what she went through."
I could hear the confidence in Justin's words. I could hear the way he spoke about me, like he was proving he knew me more than Erik did, but didn't need to say it. I took a few steps down and waited patiently for Erik's response.
"I mean, yeah. She called me the night it happened, it was hard hearing her so distraught. I can't imagine that level of betrayal. All I can do is give her space to heal. So I guess I don't blame Hannah for not wanting you over. Or you for not going over there."
Erik surprised me more than I expected, his words sliced through the air. Claiming his stake without saying it outright. And just as I took another step, Justin's eyes hit mine first, fast, like he'd been waiting. Erik's eyes followed right after. But I didn't stop, I gripped the banister as I walked down, like I hadn't been listening to their whole conversation.
I forced a small smile to appear as naturally as I could muster. Justin took a step forward before realizing he had, and then decided to back down. It was like he was reaching out for me, like earlier, but knew he couldn't because Erik was back.
"Hey, sorry I forgot something upstairs." I said quietly as I made it down the last step. I glanced over at Erik, then at Justin before landing back on Erik. Finally catching a glimpse of their facial expressions. Both stoic, both with a sharpness that cut through me.
"What's going on?" I asked casually, trying to see what they would say about what just happened.
"Nothing, I was just telling Justin about the place we're gonna go to. Apparently parts of Finding Nemo were based off of it." Erik's warm smile reappeared on his face. But his lie twisted something in me. He didn't want me to know about his actual conversation with Justin. Which could only mean he was at the very least suspicious. I didn't bother looking at Justin, as if that would confirm his suspicions.
"Yeah, and I was telling him I'd never seen it. Guess we'll all have to have a movie night sometime while we're here." Justin's arms were now crossed, his face had softened just a tad to make this believable. But I saw the glint of friction in his eyes.
"Well then we'd better hurry, Finding Nemo is one of my favorites," I said softer than I intended.
Erik's hand extended out in front of me, I almost hesitated but I couldn't let my hesitation further confirm whatever suspicion he had. So I let my fingers intertwine in his and took a few steps closer to him. I glanced at Justin, his smile turned to a smirk and before Erik could catch it, he turned back to the stove that was still on.
We began making our way to the foyer, hands interlocked, stomach twisted.
"Catch you later Justin." Erik said over his shoulder as we got to the door. But he didn't say anything back. Or at least we didn't hear it.
Erik opened the passenger door for me as we approached the jeep. I hopped onto the seat, clicking on my seat belt, hoping the sound of the click would ground me. He made his way over, turning the jeep on without making another sound. And we drove out of the driveway.
The silence that surrounded us was daunting, I was waiting for…I don't know what I was waiting for. But I know I wasn't ready for it. I also didn't want this silence to linger. So I broke it.
"How far is the place from here," I asked, making my voice come out as steady as possible.
Erik didn't say anything at first, I glanced over at him. His eyes were fixed on the road ahead, and he was biting the inside of his cheek, like he was mauling over what to say.
"I'm sorry for throwing so much at you earlier. I know you're going through a lot with your mom, and your living situation. I just need you to know what I want and where I stand." He finally said. It wasn't what I was expecting, I was surprised that he was bringing up my mom. That felt like an admission, that Justin had gotten under his skin.
I felt a lump form in my throat, but I swallowed it as best as possible. "I won't lie, I felt overwhelmed. But not for the reasons you think." I paused for a second, trying to gather more strength. "I feel like my mom shattered something in me that I didn't know was there. Every memory, every holiday, every day with her was some form of a lie. Every idea I had of my future crumbled that night. Every fantasy of what my life could look like faded."
He didn't say anything, he didn't even look at me.
So I continued. "But inside of me I still want the white picket fence, I still want the Sunday mornings. I want to argue about what Christmas tree we should pick, and I want to learn how to cook more than cereal. I want everything in between. I want a life worth living. But because everything I know up to this point has been a lie, I'm worried the white picket fence is as sharp as knives."
Tears threatened to spill again, I tilted my head against the headrest. Praying they'd stay in. My life had been on a constant spin that I hadn't given myself enough time to continue grieving what my moms lies stole from me. But also what I stole from myself. His hand reached for mine, he didn't wait for my fingers to lock in his. He just held it there, squeezing lightly.
"August, I'm so sorry. I hadn't even thought about that. I was just thinking about myself, and what I wanted. That's not fair to you when you're going through all this. I need you to know that you don't owe me a timeline. Or a version of yourself you think I want. Not the version of you you think you're supposed to hand someone like it's a résumé." His voice was no longer stiff or cutting. It was gentle in a way that let my tears fall down but not sting as they slid down my cheeks. And like the pressure had been released, my fingers locked in with his. My heart slowed and the silence no longer was dreadful.
"Let's just table this, I really want you to enjoy the day. You deserve it." He said, his thumb caressed mine gently.
So we did just that. I let myself fall into this rhythm with him the entire day. Like the day would never end and like I truly deserved to be treated this good. And even when Justin texted me to apologize for 'making me cry', I didn't even let it phase me. My thumb hovered for half a second. Then I clicked the screen off. Because Erik deserved my attention without being pulled in a different direction.
The blue hue of the water captured my heart in a way I never expected. The fish moved in such a practiced synchronicity that it made me jealous. The sun kissed my skin, and the tears dried. His smile eases me into believing that maybe the white picket fence wasn't as sharp as I told myself. Because now I can see it. I can see Erik pouring himself coffee in the groggy mornings. I can see us walking around Seattle under an umbrella, hand in hand. Maybe we get married, maybe we have kids. But for now this is okay, he is the stability I'm craving. Even when my body craved to be tangled up with Justin.