And so, with those thoughts, he continued walking through the void, a confused, sour expression etched across his face.
It looked as though he had eaten a lemon.
Not from bitterness, but from the hours spent walking without end.
The toll even slow walking took was excessive to his consciousness. It also did not help that Oren felt so much and so little at the same time.
He grinned suddenly, then shook his head, calming himself.
The pain was trivial at most.
The expanse itself seemed to take more of an effect on Oren, but that too felt extremely exaggerated.
He smiled dimly, looking around the abyss that was the Trial of Longing.
Oren was met with impenetrable darkness. The trial still resembled the void.
It had not changed.
It made Oren question if he had gone through pointless pain to see no result.
Still, Oren continued walking indifferently, he thought.
I do not mind, because this pain is little compared to what I will gain. In this place, I will leave with enlightenment.
I will also be with my nirvana.
This place will benefit me.
Oren chuckled, clenching his hand. He could not help but feel as though he was extorting the Trial of Longing.
Because in the end, he would leave with two things. Unlike a normal smile, this one curved fully, making his face look comedic.
He did not mind because what he would gain justified how he gained it. And his nirvana was close.
He could feel it, as though he had already experienced it.
But after a short while, walking became arduous once more, and each step felt as though a century had passed.
To Oren, it felt as if an eternity had passed. Yet even that was nothing compared to before.
Only when he thought of the changes and adaptations he had undergone since his past, when he reflected on the past within the Trial of Longing, did he feel this way.
As though a part of him had been temporarily forgotten, a missing piece that once made his memory whole.
And thinking about it only made him tremble and fear for what would come, but that felt partially, if not entirely, unlike him.
Because right now was unlike him, causing him unease, since he had already gotten over his past.
But despite his emotions becoming vast and indescribable once entering the trial, whether from the pure abundance of his mind or something else, it could not change the fact that he no longer felt anything towards his past.
The feelings that came with the trial would not make that any different because his past no longer mattered.
Despite that, for some reason, what he felt right now was an immense desire to return.
To go back to where he came from and stay there. His eyes widened slightly, a thin, unsettling smile spreading across his face.
He had never truly considered that multiple emotions could exist at once. It was obvious. Natural.
But until now, each feeling had always resolved into a single, dominant state.
It was now different.
Oren's thoughts and sensations overlapped, pulling his perception in opposing directions, shaping the moment without his consent.
In less than an instant, they had become involuntary and unavoidable, unlike the beginning of the trial.
But he could not help them. It seemed he had to choose between the only choices he had.
Either becoming attached or becoming detached. In the end, he suppressed the countless emotions, wincing as if it pained him to do so.
He trembled forward with another thought.
Step 365.
He continued counting, despite saying he would not anymore, assuming it would help him remain unattached.
But even after countless steps, though unattached, his thoughts on the past lingered.
It seemed he could not dismiss it so easily. His eyes darkened as he took yet another step forward, then another, and another.
After one hundred more steps into the trial's depths, Oren overcame his desire to return.
And yet, even as he overcame it, his mind lingered. And then suddenly, he felt a sinister shift in the void around him.
Before he could realise it, his thoughts were projected into the surrounding areas. Yet the memories he saw felt more and more real as the world converged.
Even as he dismissed the memories, the projection remained absolute. Like a picture already taken, it would only fade once forgotten.
His eyes darkened with unyielding hate.
Longing, Desire, nothing? Whatever this is, I do not want it i do not care about the future.
Orens body tensed, his face grew cold and empty, brimming with unknown emotions as he thought.
Change it, now! Oren demanded.
So I can continue walking toward nirvana.
That was his main reason after all, was it not.
To reach nirvana, nothing else mattered to him if nirvana was guaranteed.
But despite his words, the surroundings reformed just like before, trying to persuade him.
…
New, vibrant flowers materialised, swaying as though breathing with life. The verdant field stretched endlessly, beautiful in a way that felt rehearsed.
Golden sunlight spilled across the surface of the quartz blue lake before Oren.
"Cold," he murmured to himself.
"It's very cold, isn't it?"
Oren crouched down at the lake's edge.
His short hair reached his neck, swaying slowly in the fleeting breeze.
Ripples flowed backwards and forwards, not from the breeze, but as though Oren being there was unnatural.
But he did not question it.
Instead, a faint smile spread across his face.
His golden eyes were like the sunrays that spread across the river, and yet, at the same time, they were dull and lifeless.
There was no delight in them, no reverence for life, no regard for his own insignificance.
Nirvana.
The thought shifted into his mind. It confused him enough to change his calm demeanour.
Why am I thinking of nirvana?
His smile brightened.
Nirvana, oh yes.
Then his smile dimmed.
But what was nirvana again?
He stared at the fish beneath the water's surface, then the frogs that leaped from lily pad to lily pad, as though they would answer.
They did not.
Instead, a new question filled his silent mind as he grew bored of the frogs and looked at the flowers reflected along the curved rim of the water.
Every reflection drifted ever so slightly. Even the sand did not shift in the depths of the lake.
Oren's reflection, however, was nowhere to be seen. Reminiscing on the emptiness where his reflection should have been, he remembered something.
A saying.
They say that those without a reflection have no heart. Estranged from the true self. Unfaithful to the soul.
Yet although Oren was heartless, he liked to believe he had a heart. If he did not, why did he feel so much?
That is what they say, is it not? That emotions come from the heart.
Yes, they emotions are born from the heart and mind. Desire too. Especially longing comes from the heart, does it not?
He answered himself, and yet his thoughts felt odd and crept him out slightly. As though it was out of his control.
Oren lifted his gaze to the sky. The white clouds veiled the blue expanse.
The golden sunshine was brilliant, casting vibrance onto the world, reaching even the furthest of cities.
His expression shifted slowly as he turned back toward the field of evergreens.
Something was there.
Someone. No, Who was it?
That face, it is so familiar, but only when concentrating could he discern who he was looking at.
It was himself.
The man standing indifferently in the distance, had long black hair and golden eyes, nearly identical to himself.
His thoughts stopped upon seeing him.
Then his lips suddenly twisted into something unholy.
His jaw slackened, exposing teeth once pearly white, now chipped, as though he had bitten down hard enough for them to chatter and fracture.
The smile widened and madness flickered across his face.
Then, in only a few short moments, it was gone.
His jaw set and his lips relaxed.
His expression returned to what it had been.
Calm almost Indifferent.
As if nothing had happened.
Even the man identical to himself, in the distance of the great fields, had not noticed.