Jade
You feel it in your bones when time stands still. Everything becomes muffled, the words, the sensations... You move like in a blur. And that's what I feel right now.
I never imagined I'd have moments with Min-Ho after the concert, during which he was brilliant. I had so much fun, I laughed, I screamed, I even cried because of the intensity of the emotions he stirred in me, and the fact that his eyes sought mine moved me.
I must admit that for a few moments I deluded myself into thinking I was important to him, that I was something real... but I'm afraid.
Yes, afraid of being abandoned again, and I don't like that.
It's true that I left Seoul, but I had to do that, I wasn't ready and neither was he.
And now?
Maybe not this time either, and that makes me feel bad.
I don't know what to do, but the only sensible thing is to be in his arms. No one can take that away from me.
And here we are.
Together.
I kiss him as if I'm short of breath, as if I'm starving after days without food or water, and he grants my request.
I know it's stupid to cling to this physicality when I'm with him, but I couldn't ask for anything else.
What could he say to me? Yes, I love you?
Nah, that's not normal.
And I'd be afraid of a love like that.
So I take what he's willing to offer me, even if it's just that.
I reluctantly separate and caress his face lightly. I adore his features, those of a little elf, so delicate, those of an eternal boy who can transport me to a fairytale world.
"What did you want to talk to me about?" I whisper against his lips.
His eyes widen and then he seems to realize.
"Ah. Yes."
He sighs and lets go of me slightly, taking my hands.
I fear it's something bad and press my lips together.
"Come, let's sit down," he says, leading me to a sofa at the foot of the bed.
He takes a moment, as if gathering his thoughts, and then nods slowly.
"I didn't want to tell you this over the phone, even though I didn't expect to see you here again. I was prepared for a stop closer to the US."
I grimace, and he smiles.
"I'm a meticulous person. I make tons of plans, outlines, texts, repeating them endlessly to make sure everything is in order. Then you arrive, a whirlwind of emotions and nonsense, and everything falls apart. Anyway, it doesn't make much difference; I'll just make things more confusing, but it doesn't matter."
"You found a girlfriend, you can tell me," I blurt out, because I'm afraid that's the gist of it.
I feel my legs shaking, but I feign indifference.
His eyes and mouth widen.
"What?"
"Yes, it's normal at our age. Do you think I wasn't expecting it?"
I also feel stupid for having stumbled upon him without warning.
"What the…? Jade, what do you mean? You…" he stammers.
"Maybe I'm making a fool of myself by having you come here, while she's waiting for you at the hotel. Maybe you wanted to introduce me to her..."
I stare at him for a long moment and think I understand what 'boiled fish expression' means.
After a moment, I see him inhale and let it out.
He gets up and walks toward the window, and my feeling of having hit the nail on the head grows stronger.
I feel terrible thinking about it, but I have to force myself.
I inhale too and try to sit upright.
I see him turn and come back to me, silently. He scrutinizes me and shakes his head.
"Do you have a boyfriend, Jade? Is that why you didn't want to see me?"
What? What the hell is he saying? Is he trying to turn the tables and blame me?
I jump up and point a finger at him threateningly.
"Hey, sweetie, don't try to make fun of me! You need to talk to me, not for me! It's not my habit to go behind people's backs, especially if they're people I love!"
I'm furious, I think I'm bursting with anger.
We stare into each other's eyes for a long time, almost as if trying to find the answers in each other's faces.
Then Min-Ho smiles. Slowly, slowly, like a sun rising on the horizon, brightening my day.
I swallow nervously.
Don't do this to me.
Don't smile at me.
Don't let me get my hopes up, please!
"You love me..."
It's not a question, but a realization that seems to fill him with happiness.
"Of everything I told you, that's all you understood? Idiot!"
I hit him on the head and he collapses onto the couch, as if I'd killed him.
I see him trembling and think he's in pain, so I kneel down beside him.
"Sunshine, please, don't make me worry. It was a small blow, for crying out loud! How weak are you? Huh, huh? Are you okay?"
He's still shaking, but looking closer, I see he's laughing.
It pisses me off even more, so I give him another slap on the ass, but harder.
"Stupid boy, and I'm even worried about you!"
I huff and get up, but a hand grabs me and pulls me down onto him.
His arms hug me tightly, and his face presses against my back.
"I was afraid I'd die, the pain in my chest was so bad when I thought You'd found someone to love. And yet you love me… Don't do that to me again, Jade. Never again," he whispers, turning me toward him and seeking my lips.
I'd like to protest again, but I have neither the time nor the strength.
He's never kissed me like this, possessively, as if he feared watching me vanish.
I hug him and return it passionately.
What was he supposed to say to me?
... Who cares?