Min-ho
I look at her profile as she sleeps next to me.
Her face is relaxed in sleep and reminds me of a porcelain doll, beautiful and untouchable.
But also of a little girl who has lost her world and, I hope, has found it again in me.
I don't know what happens to us when we're together; we behave like two boats in a storm, trying to survive by clinging to each other.
When I'm away from her, I make a lot of plans, dreams, and schemes that turn to dust as soon as I meet her gaze. She has the power to confuse me, and it's not just her beautiful, exotic appearance.
Jade makes her way through others with her stubbornness, with that lust for life that disorients everyone. Despite her fragile appearance, tall and petite, with milky skin and light eyes, she has a tenacity and feigned confidence that make her seem invincible.
And she truly is.
Hearing her talk about her plans, her dreams, and the sacrifices she's making to make them come true fills me with pride, even though I shouldn't.
I didn't do anything for her, I didn't even reach out to her once, not even to make it easier for her to live on the talent show, but she keeps saying it's thanks to me that she found her purpose, her will to live.
And I feel like I'm dying inside.
Because I know it's not true.
I just took from her, I collected her passion, her sweetness, her enthusiasm, and I did nothing to reciprocate.
Of course, the depth with which I reciprocated wasn't one-sided, but I think it's too little.
And then I can't resist her physically; when she touches me, when she kisses me, she lights a fuse inside me that makes me forget everything, even my own name.
Heaven knows how she doesn't melt when she says it softly, when she whispers it even in her sleep...
I sigh dejectedly, reaching out and placing my hands under my head on the pillow.
"I hear you," she says, her voice thick with sleep.
I smile.
I always do that when she talks to me, especially if she catches me in my thoughts.
"Doing what?" I ask, amused.
"Dwelling. Are you getting old, Sunshine?"
I whirl around and take her in my arms, making her laugh.
"You didn't seem to think that way last night," I whisper in her ear.
She wraps her arms around my neck and brushes her breath against my face.
I think she does it on purpose to break down my defenses, to drive me to a level of exasperation that literally drives me crazy.
"I was just testing your resistance."
I shake my head, smiling, but then I become serious again.
I look at her intensely.
"Is this all we're all about, Jade? Stolen sex somewhere in the world, and then goodbye until next time?"
She stops smiling and studies me for a moment.
"You've never been just sex for me, not even the first time. In my own way, in my little universe, you know I love you."
She says it naturally, and I feel invaded by a feeling I've never felt before. It's as if a weight has slipped from my shoulders and I feel light, reborn.
"And in the big universe, do you still love me?"
She doesn't answer immediately, frowning and playing with my hair at the nape of my neck.
Her touch sends shivers down my spine.
"I don't know. In the world out there, you and I can't see each other, hear each other, love each other. We're on different planets, it's like we're aliens. Your managers barely tolerate me, they're afraid I'll ruin your image, and I couldn't live a love life having to watch my back every minute. And then I'm afraid…" She takes a breath and stares deeply into my soul. "I'm afraid of loving someone completely, I fear abandonment, I know that if it happened again, I'd be destroyed. You understand, right?"
I nod slowly because I know she's right.
I can't promise her anything, even if I wanted to; I can't guarantee her anything other than my stupid feelings.
"But you know I love you too, right? Do you know that, Jade?" I whisper.
She caresses my face and smiles.
"Now I know. And I thank you for that. It's all I want."
I hold her close to my chest, wanting to cry.
How can someone like her settle for so little?
She wraps me in her embrace and covers my skin with little trails of burning kisses.
"As long as you love me, I'll be happy."
A tear rolls down my face and I bury it in the pillow, trying not to scream.
She notices my state and gently caresses my shoulders, my back, my head.
"You have no idea how happy I am to have met you. Maybe one day we'll lose each other, maybe life will choose something else for us, but you will always be a wonderful star who lit up my life."
The tears don't stop, I'm shaken by sobs and I feel so damn bad.
Jade doesn't speak anymore, she just holds me wrapped up in her chest until I fall asleep.
I have strange, confusing dreams, in which all my fears come out.
I jump up, sitting up, sweating.
I gasp, take a deep breath and look around.
Jade isn't there.
I jump up, trying to find stability, I search for her and finally find her on the balcony, talking on the phone.
"Yes... I understand... don't worry. 745, knock and I'll open right away... okay, bye."
Her expression is one of dark pain as he ends the call and takes a deep breath.
"Jade..."
"You're here," he says softly. "They're coming for you. Get yourself together. You look upset, Sunshine."
He takes my hand and leads me to the bathroom, wipes my face with a towel, and fixes my hair, hesitating a little, caressing me.
"What's up?"
"Your manager's coming by soon. You have to go."
"Why?"
"I think it's better this way, you know that too."
Her tone is calm, tired, and she doesn't look me in the eye.
"What happened?"
"Nothing in particular, they told me you have to leave soon... Get ready, don't be late."
She walks away with her shoulders hunched, and I feel a tightness in my chest.
I lean against the door and punch the wall.
I knew it!
It was too good to last!
It was what I told her last night, that our label has restricted our free time, preparing not only a tour, but also several solo performances.
I'm going to make a personal album, but that means I'll be doubly busy with work.
Jade understood, in fact, she was even happy for me, but I hadn't told her that this also meant our chats would be fewer.
I feel like a coward, I wanted to explain that I'll dedicate every minute of my free time to her, but the distance, the time difference, and more, don't allow me to do as I please.
And now, they're taking me away from her.
I feel like my heart is being torn apart, and I know I'll never be happy again.
Without Jade, without the light that illuminated my days, I'll no longer be who I am today.
More than ever, I'd hate to be an idol.