First we begin with dashing forward at each other. While my old Supervisor Stan is like "Jacob, you have to work here now. This is prison labor."
We stare at each other tensely. I consider it a bit considering we are at a Safe Auto.
"Can I get some air fresheners and some car fresheners to hang on my nose?" I ask nervously.
KY glares and pulls out a gun! I charge again! Stan yells "God dammit!" I manage to-
NOT! He fires first for once! But due to grooming myself, the bullet melts with a burst of blood from my pores mixed with magnesium cause I'm that raw at grooming myself! Then I punch him in the throat! Followed by a kick to the knee. I front dick kick with the other leg. And then a fucking Hanayama haymaker into the fucking ground. Then I take his gun.
And ignore Stan as he yells at me to "Go to the tote line!" Which I consider pointing at him until I see an ex there. It's a hot petite ex that's BLACK! Hell no! Open fire at Stan! He's shot. I walk inside without saying a word to my ex.
Anyway, I see every one of my former coworkers is covered in shit and feathers? …
"So who is tarred and feathered illegally?" I ask calmly.
"No one is. Work please Jacob." My Ex Larissa begs angrily.
I glare at her, spinning my gun like Revolver Ocelot like a fucking moron and almost shooting her in the foot. She gasps and we both laugh about it. Then I run to the fucking meizeamine or whatever we fucking call it. I'm grabbing cleaning products and air fresheners. They all chase after me.
"YOU'RE ALL GETTING SPRAYED WITH AIR FRESHENERS IF I'M WORKING HERE!" I yell angrily.
Fuck, I was actually tired within a city block. I turn and they're kind of far away. But they got Car Pallet Jacks that are chasing after me at 10 mph. I keep running. They still catch up. They block my way and the Big Woman smacks my head into a pole. It hurt like shit but at least she's white. And wait, some of the others are turning white.
"Jacob, prison isn't that bad! We cleaned ourselves! Involuntarily, but we did it!" Stan says nicely.
Then like, everyone except me breaks down crying.
"Did…did you not mean to cope like that?" I ask nervously.
"NO! I was mind controlled!" Stan yells angrily.
"What?" I say confusedly.
"That was like, the demon in me. The Mark of the Beast." Stan says with miserable, spiritual depression.
…
"So you got the Elon Musk chip then?" I ask sheepishly.
He glares at me, along with like, 12 rich kids with teslas.
"You remember Elon Musk wanted to make mind control chips right?" I tease sadistically.
Stan… starts melting for some reason. Then he beats his face in. I am confused.
"HE'S GONNA BLOW! HE'S A BOOMER!" DJ yells, panicked.
"What? Is there more to the word Boomer than I-" I say, confused.
Suddenly Stan spontaneously combusts. And grows younger like Gon from HunterXHunter to a major extent. In form anyway. He's young, with very high hair, and he's my… Ex again? Petite Ex Larissa?
"Guys… did I date Stan sometimes after he tried killing someone?" I say, utterly confused and slightly ashamed.
He gets really embarrassed. I look around for another of my Ex's bodies. There's none. At all. I laugh uncontrollably.
"So turns out the Boomer boss of mine is trans after he kills a man and goes super saiyan as woman Kaulifa." I laugh like a confused, aroused, traumatized r@tard coping with magic life.
"Jacob! Just… go home!" Stan commands with awkward anger.
"I'd consider it but I was just groomed into being dropped off here for my prison sentence. I must vibe with this." I say with hesitant glee.
It's actually fucked up how cute this is. One serial killer, terrorist self seeing something this absurd happen. Then he turns off, and it's the uh… I call this the three faces of Tiamat. I never understand it entirely cause it's such bullshittttt! They call it a family, but really it's one person separated into 3 forms to some absurd, magical extent. Which uh… sucks kind of.
I loved Larissa but… I neglected the other two a lot. Stan, my tote line boss. And fucking my english teacher from High School? What the fuck? I kind of just let her teach me, so at least I was a nice student.
"Don't make this weirder than it is! We're supposed to kill-" Larissa says with nervous anger.
Then she sputters in near unison with the others as I flash a heart and pose cutely with my ankles crossed. Cause well… my heart was invigorated with this job because of an ex or like, five figurative ones being here. Since they're all being cleaned rapidly-
And it's gone. Time travel or some bullshit happens. First, I get punched in the face by a ghost of my husband I mentioned earlier. Then I wake up in the mental hospital I was in before. Because of being too manic or some shit.
Anyway, I can't help but notice that I am fucked like in Unruly Immortals with Liu Huowang. Chained to a bed. But unlike him, I'm a fucking genius and a super computer of malice. So check this out.
First of all, I've got like, three inches of movement and they tied me there with gauze for some reason. How illegal and lame. Ah well. It's a fucking bandage. I rip them apart with god damn ease cause gauze is easy to tear apart.
But unfortunately by the time I stand up, there is my first ex ever, but fat. With a syringe. Charging through the door and trying to jam it into me. Thankfully I am Fuckboy Machivelli. Who just remembered his husband.
So I block the syringe with the back of my forearm pressed into her wrist, twist to the lift, not flirt like a Contessa, and swing hard into the side of her skull. Followed by a barrage of fast, strong straight punches. Like 12. Then I stomp her face into the ground and try breaking out the room.
But the door is locked. She starts standing back up. I get sad at first. Then she transforms into another short time ex. Charlie trans girl is back. That makes me feel better.
"Much better. Now I don't kill an ex that matters." I say with malicious glee.
I grab a scalpel off the counter and turn to see the English Teacher again. Ugh, I hesitate.
"It's me, hun." Conner says lovingly.
I see something like his face with swirls of madness like from Danganronpa. Blue and green. I just smile lovingly and well… I dunno, I do a lock picking lawyer move. And jimmy the lock with the scalpel. Works within a few shoves. Open the door, and run down the hall for… like, 5 steps. And be confronted by a fucking Bear Woman. That is my Stepmom, but like, fucking the weird, cannibal Satanist version of the Berserker from Final Fantasy 10-2.
I'm like, confused and slightly traumatized cause as always a psychopath perverts my fucking favorite videogames with something r3t@rded that makes me want to kill them even harder. I look at the scalpel. It's broken. Fuck. I throw it at her, and it bonks off her forehead.
It barely seems to hurt her until it for some reason becomes a purple fucking circle with a green center that's the size of a quarter.
Then she morphs to my cousin Marco?
"I'm uh… sick." He? Says with a trans girl voice.
I nod, traumatized and confused. He just enters the nearest patient room. And I just run past, praying to God I get to ignore that.
I did. I now deal with pass two double doors two cops with shotguns. Fuck, Tommy Vercetti nightmare right there.
They open fire, my advanced biology. It melts their bullets. They stand there traumatized. I shrug, and get bored. Illegally bored.
"Guys, you're hallucinating. You shot Jesus." I groom with sarcastic glee.
They laugh once and smile with strained malice. And keep opening fire as I keep melting their bullets automatically. I get bored. And decide to dash in and start beating ass. It is easy. They rely on their shotguns too hard, continuing to hold them with two hands. Very wise move honestly, if I was a normal human, I would do the same.
Anyway, I'm not. So I easily punch them both in the throat at the same time with a jab from both hands at the same time. And run down the hall. Where my stepmom comes back, but like,12% bigger. And bulging weirdly cause she's wrapped in rope and electric wire?
"What are you doing to yourself now, woman? I feel bad fighting you. You might burst from me punching you in the right- I mean wrong spot." I say, confused and slightly guilty.
Gotta love and hate that you remember you might have a Ex-Husband, and suddenly you might have to kill your stepmom. Ugh, what a fucking tragedy.
I look around before- AH! She charged! I must illegally beat her ass now. Fuck.