[AN: Apologies Lads, life been kicking my ass lately. Lost my part time job and had to shuffle a lot of things around to make sure I'm not homeless. Chapters will be erratic but I will be uploading again]
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I wasn't saying I was bored again.
That's a lie.
I WAS bored again.
Call it my ADHD or whatever fancy label someone definitely slapped on it now in the many years since I kicked the bucket in my old world. But I was actually itching for a anime style showdown even if I knew I'd win anyways.
Ichigo and his friends had arrived in the Seireitei and were rampaging through the streets like a D&D party that took 'chaotic good' as a personal goal.
Fortunately Yamamoto had agreed to let me 'deal' with the 'invaders' and I just happened to have enough free time to become everyone's problem.
So, naturally, I did the only sensible thing a man of my infinite talent and immaculate self control could do.
I busted out the Ol' Yoriichi Tsugikuni costume again and slapped it on. Of course I swapped out the clothes for typical Shinigami attire. But the red wig, makeup, and hanafuda earrings still went on.
To really sell the illusion I used Kyoka Suigetsu, who let out a satisfied buzz. Amaterasu sent me feelings of annoyance and maybe just a little jealousy.
Using Kyoka Suigetsu I made every shinigami I passed wholeheartedly believe that I had been part of the Gotei 13 for as long as old man Yamamoto.
Sure I didn't need to do it, but like I said.
I was going to be EVERYONE'S problem for the next few hours.
Mitsuri would probably either laugh, or chew me out for wearing the costume again. It was totally going to be worth it though. I'd get to jump Ichigo and his merry band of misfits, and possibly even poke Yhwach in the eye if he was watching through Uryu.
I perched on a rooftop overlooking Ichigo's group as they gathered near a bridge. Yoruichi and Urahara were nowhere in sight but I could sense their spiritual energies nearby silently fading away as they did their whole peeping tom thing.
Ichigo looked fired up, probably hoping to run into Byakuya to 'get even'. Chad looked like he was regretting his decision to join in on Ichigo's halfbaked plan.
Uryu had a smug smile on his face as he said something to the orange haired shonen protagonist. Probably something along the lines of "I'm smarter than you, eat shit and die."
Orihime just looked cute and happy to be there despite being highly out of place among the three other guys.
"Alright…" I murmured in my disguised voice, "maximum effort."
[Scene Break]
Chad was the first to spot me, poor guy barely had time to raise his funky jorking arm before I appeared in front of him.
He swung, the force of his punch ruffing my black robes as it easily sidestepped his attack. "Impressive…" I said, "powerful, but easily avoidable."
I flicked him in the chest with a CE enhanced finger… gently, and sent him flying through two buildings. I held back a wince.
'Oof… note to self, strength has multiplied nearly a hundred times since mom blessed me, hold back some more.'
Ichigo shouted in alarm while swinging his oversized cleaver at me. "What the hell?!"
"Ichigo-kun! Look out!" Orihime cried out as I snap kicked Ichigo's legs out from under him.
Ichigo let out a scream as I bruised his thigh while also laying him out on his ass. Zangetsu went flying off as he lost his grip. Uryu shot a blue arrow at me while jumping in front of Orihime protectively.
"This is bad!" He hissed out.
"Who the hell is that?" Ichigo bit out as he struggled to get back on his feet.
"Who am I?" I parroted dramatically, a nonexistent wind blew my hair from my face revealing the flame patterned 'tattoo' I had on my forehead and cheek. "…I am the one who stands at the edge of dawn, the bane of demons, the flame that purifies…"
"Ahhh shut it! Guys it's another weirdo!" Ichigo pointed at me.
'Rude… I worked hard on that cringe ass speech, spent a whole ten seconds planning it out.'
Uryu didn't move a muscle, the poor Quincy actually got a bit paler than he already was as he took a hesitant step backward.
"Kurosaki… he has beyond captain-class reiryoko. We need to run. Now!"
'Hmm… interesting, makes sense though. Ichigo and the others wouldn't know how to sense spiritual pressure properly. Uryu though… has had some training.'
"Run!" Uryu shouted again.
I unleashed more of my energy, nearly making the trio fall to their knees. Chad let out a grunt from the rubble he was buried under. Poor guy.
"You won't be escaping so easily." I continued to shift my gaze between Ichigo and his friends.
It was really hard keeping a straight face knowing who I was dressed as. Uryu grit his teeth, Ichigo looked like the situation he was in was starting to sink in. Orihime looked worried.
Uryu didn't hesitate, he fired five spirit arrows at my face the second I raised my hand to draw Kyoka Suigetsu. I didn't move an inch. The arrows glanced off of me and impacted the far wall behind me.
"You need to work on your aim." I stated in my disguised monotone voice.
The Quincy froze. Ichigo dashed over to Zangetsu and hefted the blade up, and I let him. I had already come up with a dastardly plan.
Ichigo's spiritual pressure leaked out as he prepared to launch an attack. "I don't know what your deal is but you picked the wrong guy to mess with!" He shouted.
I wanted to roll my eyes at his almost chunni line. "Oh no… what ever shall I do." I muttered sarcastically, just loud enough for Uryu and Orihime to hear me.
He charged predictably, I didn't bother drawing my sword and just slapped his blade aside with my bare palm.
"Sloppy… and predictable."
"Shut it!" He shouted and swung again.
As I danced around Ichigo's and Uryu's attacks I spotted a faint glimmer from where Urahara and Yoruichi were hiding. They had definitely seen the whole thing and decided to let it play out. There was a few teachable moments after all.
Mainly, they left their healer all alone and defenseless. Something you didn't want to do when venturing into potentially hostile and unfamiliar territory.
'Time to teach Carrot Top a valuable lesson in being a good friend.'
I kicked away another swing from Ichigo and deflected another barrage of arrows from Uryu. In a flicker of movement I appeared behind Orihime. Her eyes went wide, but she didn't panic.
"The battlefield is no place for one such as yourself…" I whispered, "I think I'll borrow you for a bit."
Before anyone could react, I threw her over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes and waved to the other group. "Bye bye kiddies, I'll bring her back after snack time."
Ichigo screamed, loud enough that the Arancar in Heuco Mundo probably heard him.
[Scene Break]
Mitsuri was in the courtyard of the fourth division barracks enjoying tea with Isane when I appeared with Orihime still tossed over my shoulder.
Her reaction was immediate, her green eyes widened when she saw me, blinked twice, then she snorted into her cup.
"Darling!" She laughed, clutching her stomach, "you're wearing that again?!"
I set Orihime down gently, "What? It's been a few years, besides… it's classic, timeless, and did I mention, iconic?"
Mitsuri giggled, "Please tell me you didn't burn down a few buildings to… what did you call it… sell the act?"
"Nah… just a shack or two." I shrugged.
Mitsuri set her cup down and stepped up to me before poking me in the chest. "And don't think I didn't notice the girl you kidnapped."
I gasped, faking offense. "I did not… she came with me willingly. Right?" I turned to Orihime who had just been looking between Mitsuri and I in shock.
"Ano… he didn't kidnap me?" She quietly said.
"See," I waved a hand, "she was being ignored by her friends so I brought her over to meet you and keep you company. Oh… blondie, this is Mitsuri, my darling wife. Mitsuri, this is…"
"Orihime!" Orihime bowed respectfully, Inoue Orihime! It's a pleasure to meet you Mitsuri-sama!"
"Ara… how respectful, come along dear… Isane-chan and I were just having tea." Mitsuri started dragging the still confused Orihime back to the small tea table.
"I'll be back for dinner Love." I grinned and pecked her cheek.
She grabbed my sleeve before I could run off, "Be careful, and don't hurt your new friends okay?"
"You wound me," I chuckled, "I'm only mildly traumatising them."
She rolled her eyes, "And don't go kidnapping more women, if I didn't know any better I'd think you were starting a collection." She gave me a teasing grin.
"Mitsuri!" I grasped my chest, "a shot right in my kokoro! I would never, you're enough for me."
She giggled, "Fine, go play with your new friends, I'll take care of Orihime-chan while you're away."
I brushed her hair behind her ear and softly caressed her cheek, "You're the best."
Orihime watched us curiously, but when Mitsuri invited her to sit, she visibly relaxed.
'Perfect… mission accomplished. Now… to go and fuck with Ichigo some more.'
[Scene Break]
I took off the costume and found the Kurosaki crew right where I had left them. Ichigo had fallen to his knees in despair while Uryu was digging Chad out of some rubble. Ichigo looked up when he heard me approaching.
I whistled slowly, "Damn kid… you got your ass kicked not even an hour into breaking into this place huh?"
"S-Satoru-san? What— where the hell did you even come from? Have you seen a red haired swordsman?"
"Hah? Red haired swordsman?" I tilted my head playing dumb.
Ichigo slammed his fist into the ground, "DAMN IT! That bastard! He took Orihime… first Rukia then now Orihime…"
He looked like he was on the verge of tears, I felt a little bad. I decided to throw him a bone.
"Would this Orihime happen to be blonde?"
Ichigo lit up, "Yes! Wait… where is she?"
"Relax kid, she's with my wife. Probably talking shit about me over tea." I yawned.
"What?"
"You have a wife?" Chad and Uryu asked at the same time.
"First off, rude." I flipped the two of them off, "second, Mitsuri is more than I deserve but she is my wife. Been married for almost twenty years in fact."
"You don't even look that old!" Ichigo shouted.
I gave him a smug grin, "I'm just built differently I guess."
"What does that even mean? No… Nevermind that, take me to Orihime!" Ichigo shouted.
We were interrupted by the sound of wooden sandals clacking on the white stone pavement. Yoruichi and Urahara had finally decided to make their appearance.
"Hat and Clogs!" Ichigo yelled.
"I have to admit," Urahara hid his smirk behind his fan as he stepped up, "your commitment to causing chaos wherever you are is highly admirable."
I gave him a mock bow, "Thanks, I take pride in my craft."
"Ya missed a spot." Yoruichi pointed at my cheek.
I hummed and swiped a hand across some makeup I hadn't wiped off. Chuckling, I turned back to Ichigo who had narrowed his eyes at me. Sadly, even with a blunder like that on my part he still couldn't figure out that it was me who kicked his ass and yoinked Orihime.
"Wait… why are you even here?" He finally snapped out.
"Ah… great question," I clapped my hands together. "Officially I volunteered myself to capture all of you for questioning."
Everyone tensed, Chad let out a groan from where he was leaning on Uryu's shoulder.
"But don't worry," I continued, "I don't really give two shits about actually arresting you. I'm just here for the drama."
Before anyone could respond, Yamamoto appeared with several captains behind him. He glanced between Ichigo and the two former Gotei 13 captains.
"Ara… Captain-Commander, long time no see." Urahara said cautiously.
Yamamoto's eyes flicked over to me, then back to the 'invaders'. "The Traitor has confessed, all charges against the two of you have been dropped."
The silence that followed was awe inspiring. Urahara blinked once, Yoruichi blinked twice. Ichigo looked like he got hit over the head with the plot twist way too early.
Urahara turned to me, "You did something…"
I waved casually, "Yeah turns out mind control sword guy was manipulating everyone… shocking I know right? You two got framed for stuff, yada yada… long story short, I introduced Aizen to Shibari, now you're both free, happy ending… yay!"
The bucket hat wearing former captain gave me a flat look, "Decades in exile… years of planning… and you used bondage to solve everything?"
"Wel when you put it like that you make me sound like some sort of freak." I crossed my arms.
"I think he means thank you." Yoruichi patted Urahara on the back.
"Sure no problem." I waved them off.
"Wait!" Ichigo spoke up, we all turned to him.
He looked utterly lost. "So… Rukia, she—"
A calm voice came from the back of the formation of captains. "…has been acquitted of all her crimes as well."
Rukia stepped into view, with Byakuya at her flank. She looked tired but relieved, a small smile tugging at her lips. Byakuya remained stoic but his aura was less sharp, probably the Kuchiki equivalent to jumping for joy.
Ichigo blinked at her, "Y-you're free?"
"Yes," she replied, "all thanks to Satoru-sama." She nodded towards me.
"Wait what? How did you even do-
"He killed almost fifty percent of the opposing council." Byakuya deadpanned.
Several eyes turned to me in shock with equal parts horror and awe. I just shrugged. "Almost all of them were being mind freaked by Aizen anyways. Basically soulless husks he controlled. Which is funny considering that everything here is basically a soul."
Yamamoto just sighed, "Satoru-dono, please refrain from using mass murder to solve problems next time."
"No promises old man." I grinned.
"And please, refrain from using disguises when out on official Gotei 13 business." He added.
"Fine fine… I do have this Kenshin Himura outfit I've been meaning to try though."
"No!" He interrupted quickly, "just… no, please."
My grin widened, "Can't guarantee anything, gramps."
Ichigo let out a shout, finally overwhelmed. "Why is everyone here so weird!"