"Yue'er[1]."
A familiar voice. The man wore a white headband across his forehead.
My double vision finally merged, and it was my uncle, Lu Wen—the one who arranged for me to marry his daughter's husband.
I stared blankly at the man who I wholeheartedly believed I owed everything to when he took me in. His face had fewer lines, and more black than gray in his hair.
--
"Yue'er, sign this," he pushed over the scroll.
"Uncle, what is it?"
"Your father left some family money with you before he died. Since you are getting married as a Qi, it doesn't make sense for you to control Lu family assets."
"My father did? How come I never heard of this?"
"It is meant to be your dowry, so I will transfer over to you afterwards. Hurry up and sign."
"But if my father left this for me, how come I can't just bring it with me? I am only going as Qi Jia Yue because mei mei did not want people to know two Lu daughters married under one roof."
I could see his anger slowly rise, "Child, you do not understand how finance work. Even if that is the reason, how could Qi Jia Yue decide Lu Ji Yue's assets? The government only works with the records they have. You are no longer Lu Jia Yue, remember that."
--
If I had that money, Ruyi and I could have escaped long ago.
"Are you alright? You had me scared of losing you too." He softly patted my face and arms, then pulled me into a hug.
Uncle sounded worried, but his words felt hollow.
"Grandfather, mei mei is okay." That voice had genuine relief. It came from a boy, maybe around Ruyi's age. I turned my head past Uncle's shoulder, and it's my eldest cousin from my mother's family, Qi Yuan.
Next to him sat an imposing old man, his stern face framed by mostly gray hair gathered into a bun and fastened with a wooden pin. My maternal grandfather, Qi Guang.
I never saw him again after my parents' funeral. The Qi were mercenaries, so I had assumed their nomadic lifestyle made them too busy to visit the city, especially just to see me.
Another man stood beside the chair, resting a hand on my cousin's shoulder as he nodded in quiet assurance. His features similar to my mother's, though sharper and more masculine. Her brother, Qi Kun.
He hadn't attended the funeral. Why was he here?
"Yue'er, Nanny Gu told us you were outside in the snow last night, so you must've gotten the chill from it. You must be careful. Your parents would feel pain knowing you're in pain." Again, his words sounded concerned, similar to Nanny's even, but I couldn't sense that he cared as much as he was saying.
"Here, drink this. The physician prepared it for you." Uncle raised the spoon of brown soup to my lips. The taste barely grazed my tongue before I slapped it away.
Bitterness again.
"Yue!" Uncle snapped, only to rein himself in when a cough from behind reminded him of his audience. He sighed, low and slow, but I heard it clearly. "Yue'er, you must drink this. We spent a lot on thi-ahem. We made sure you got a highest quality medicine, so drink this and you'll feel better, yes?"
I stared at the man who had once been familiar but now felt like a stranger. Glancing past him, I saw only three other men in the room. The others must have stayed away fearing illness. My body eased with relief. I did not know how I would react if I saw her now.
I turned to lie flat, staring at the ceiling. Memories, thoughts, and worries flooded my head. It threatened to spill over again.
Why was I reliving this again? Am I to go through everything again, only to bear my child into this world, just for him to be ripped apart again.
"Alright. Rest, child. I'll have Nanny Gu come by to help you." I heard the spoon clink against the bowl as he set it back on the table. "Please, let the girl rest. We can speak outside," he said, gesturing for the others to leave the room.
What do I do?
--
"Yue'er, your aunt and I have put much thought into your marriage. Since your mei mei is already married and have children now, you being the eldest in the family unmarried is not proper."
"Thank you Uncle and Aunt for thinking of me. However, I wish to stay here and look after you."
My aunt in her rich blue dress, adorned with silver jewels all over, scoffed at my statement. "Yue'er, I've taught you this already. A girl's job is to be married, to not burden their families. You're meant to be taken care of by your husband."
"I see."
"Good child," Uncle continued, "we actually have made come to an agreement with the Liu family."
"I was not aware cousin-in-law had siblings..."
"He doesn't. You will marry him."
"Uncle? What do you mean?"
"You will marry in as a concubine. Since you are of older age, you did not have many prospects. Son-in-law was recently promoted as an Chief Officer, so he could afford you plenty. Afterall, eight years of taking in an extra child is not cheap."
"But- What did mei mei [2]say?"
"Lu Zhi is a just a wife, not the head of household. Listen to me child, this is best for everyone."
I looked over to my aunt. She cared too much for my cousin. "Aunt?" My eyes softly plead for her help. My younger cousin was possessive since we were children, so I doubt she would happily agree to my marriage.
"It is decided," she said strictly.
Those became the words that sealed my fate. "You will marry into the Liu family as a concubine. I've talked to Lu Zhu, and having two Lu daughters in their family isn't good. You will take the name Qi Jia Yue."
My heart flaked with despair, but I couldn't do anything; I am powerless.
"Understood."
--
The marriage was the start of my doom. But if I avoid it? Could I bear to never see Ruyi again? Am I being selfish?
I quivered, remembering the blood that drenched my hands. It reeked of metal.
Ceramic shattered against the floor, pulling me from my thoughts. I rose and slowly crept to the door. With my ear pressed to the wood, I heard everything:
"Outrageous! How dare you throw our cups in our own household!" It's my aunt.
"Lord, I understand your concern for your granddaughter. But you must see if from a reasonable standpoint too," Uncle tried to calm the room. "Yue'er is a girl. It would be improper for her to travel with men."
A slam hits a table, "Are you trying to say we wouldn't be able to protect my cousin!"
"Of course you can, you're the renowned Qi Family. All the kings seek you to fight their wars; you're financially secure for generations and have the manpower to physically protect her. But what about her feminine needs? Surely, Nanny Gu is far too old now to travel. She'd soon retire. Who will teach her how to manage a household, ritual propriety, the virtues of a woman?"
Silence.
Did this conversation ever took place before? Uncle had told me my maternal family did not want to be my caretaker. I always thought I was a burden that was not their responsibility, so I quickly made my peace with it. I'm sure that hurt mother's heart thinking about it now...
He continued, "The death of my brother and sister-in-law breaks all of our hearts. But most of all, to Yue'er...she has barely spoken a word the past week. Is it truly good for her to be surrounded by strangers when she needs to be in the comfort of her own home to heal? The place where her parents raised her?"
Silence.
My mother's family must be realizing his point.
--
"Aunt! Aunt! Please, those are from my parents!" I tripped to the ground chasing her.
"They're just vases and teapots! Our household has plenty! The shaman has already said it's not good to keep belongings of the dead."
"But...My parents..." My wails spread through the residence.
A year had passed, and for my uncle's family, their mourning period ended here. I was supposed to have it for another two years, but they forbid it. The entire courtyard was soon blocked off, and I was moved to the back of the manor.
--
My heartbeat raced.
You have bent yourself to all their wills all of your life. This is your chance, Jia Yue.
Feverish chills prickled my skin.
Escape your fate.
I wanted to vomit.
How will the ending change if you walk the same path again?
Before I could decide, my arms and legs were already moving, and the doors opened into the room where everyone was gathered.
"I'll go."
Five sets of eyes stared at me.
"I'll go with Grandfather."
[1] "-er" suffix is also an endearment term, typically within families
[2] "mei mei" means little sister, but is often used for family members and close friends too.