POV Cole
Last night with Jess was..heavy.
She revealed more to me than I expected and for that, I am grateful. I may be a dick by nature but when I see someone truly hurting in life nature is suppressed. I'm actually pretty surprised by how much I opened up to her about my mom. Only a small few, my dad, my grandparents, and Riley knew about the situation with my mom, not even Lex and I was with her for nearly half of my life.
Lex and Rylie are heavy on my mind today. The true nature of it all is really starting to sink in. The fucking betrayal, how could they? My life is a joke now, depression is really starting to take over, it's like a dark cloud always hanging over my head with no light in the distance. I was so hopeful of getting well enough to race in the European tour, but reality is hitting, and it feels further and further out of reach. I'm wheelchair bound for Christ's sake. I need round-the-clock care from others, my independence is nonexistent and it feels like I'll never feel the light of day again. I'm trapped within four walls and a window that taunts me every second of every day. The world, the feel of the sun, the fresh air is right fucking there but I am imprisoned.
I have physical therapy in half an hour but I have no will or motivation to try today, what's the point?
My phone rings, it's Dad.
"Hey Dad," I answer.
"Hey Coley, how are you doing buddy?" He asks but sounds very off.
"I'm good, what's up Dad?"
"Argh, hey man listen, I know you don't want to hear this but I have some news," he says and my stomach churns with anticipation.
"Don't beat around the bush, just give it to me straight," I say in a cool tone.
"Because of your inability to race, Riley has been chosen to take your place in the European tour, look I know this is hard for you but there's always next year and if anyone was going to fill your spot I guess at least it's your best bud."
"FUUUUUUUCK!" I scream out at the top of my lungs, rawness emerging in my throat. I whip the tv remote I was previously holding across the room and at the wall. I hear plastic shatter and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that a herd of people are going to be rushing into the room any second. That motherfucking cock sucker! A fucking wolf in sheep's clothing. That prick, that fucking bastard is taking everything from me, my whole life is being stolen from under me while I am stuck in a goddamned hospital bed wasting away.
I'm seething, all I see is red, monitors are going wild in reaction. I can't get my breathing under control, I'm starting to sweat at the temple, I'm ripping at the root of my hair.
"ARGH!!!!!!!" I scream out in despair, panting for oxygen.
The door flies open, Nancy and some other people come running into the room, some are looking at me, some are looking at the plastic disaster on the floor.
"Cole! What is going on?!" The panic in Nancy's face is evident.
I stay quiet huffing air in and out of my tired lungs. She comes to me and looks at me expectantly for an explanation. I shake my head in my hands, and I feel the blood in my veins pounding.
"I just want to be alone."
"Cole, honey," Nancy's maternal instincts kick in as she pets the top of my head, a feeling I haven't felt since Grandma last did it nearly ten years ago.
I feel the pounding of my heart start to relax as Nancy continues her strokes through my hair.
"Come on sweetheart, why don't we get you ready for physical therapy," she suggests but I shake my head.
"You need to go, Cole, don't you dare give up," Nancy tilts my head up to force me to look at her.
"I don't want to do this anymore Nancy, I don't want to live, this isn't my life," I can't help the sobs that burst from me. She holds me tightly in her embrace and I allow her to.
"Cole, you need to take one day at a time, one hour, one minute if you need to. This time in your life is only temporary, you understand that right? You never realize how strong you are until being strong is your only option so don't you dare give up on yourself," She wipes a tear from under my eye.
I nod my head in response.
"Is there someone I can call for you honey?"
Without thought and laced with regret the name that leaves my lips shocks everyone in the room, including myself.
"Jess."