POV Jess
Admitting that I'm not happy feels both liberating and suffocating at the same time. Now that I've said it out loud what do I do about it? I don't think I've ever truly been happy. Sure, I've had happy moments; I laugh and enjoy things, but at the root, it's all a lie. I don't know where to start finding happiness because, to be quite frank I don't know who I am or what I actually like. Most of my life has been decided for me. If I weren't a nurse what would I even want to do with my life? It was never a question growing up because I knew where I had to stand when it came to working, anything that related to medicine.
"I had a feeling," his words aren't necessarily a jab but an observation.
I nod my head just a fraction in agreement, "Thanks for letting me vent, I have to get back out there though."
I get up from Cole's bed and walk towards the door to leave, "Hey wait!" He calls out.
I turn my head over my shoulder and look at him, "Don't you want to know the second part of our deal?"
I stand there looking at him for a second and to my own surprise I shake my head, "nah, not really."
…
It's been two hours since talking to Cole and this time I'm not feeling full of regret and embarrassment, we both shared something deep about ourselves tonight and it felt like relief to me.
Lydia is doing well, no issues have arisen as of yet and I'm hoping it stays that way. I peek into her room and she's fast asleep, I hear little snores so I decide not to wake her, rest being the best medicine of all.
My twenty two year old fentanyl patient Jackson, is going through hell. He's here for observation purposes because he coded and required naloxone. He's already in withdrawal, sweating, shaking, restless, and in physical pain. Watching people withdraw from opioids is enough for me to never want to touch them. The sad thing is that chances are extremely high that as soon as they leave they're right back at it. We can provide all the resources in the world to help them fight it but they have to want out and a lot of them don't want it. Addiction has a chokehold on its victims and a lot of the time, especially with the increase of fentanyl it claims them in the end.
I'm sitting at the nurses' station nibbling on a chocolate chip granola bar, texting with Charlotte about nonsense when I hear Roman's voice from down the hall, he's on the phone. I pause my chewing, it's a personal call, he's arguing with someone. I can't quite make out what he's exactly saying, only the tone.
"I have to go," he says and the sound of his voice is gone. Within a minute he's in my line of sight and I try to look busy like I wasn't just eavesdropping on his phone call.
"Hey Jess," a smile comes across his face and I return it with a smile of my own. Please god don't let there be chocolate stuck on my teeth.
"Hey!" I cheerfully look at him. Oh god, he looks deadly tonight. His black hair is pushed back, his emerald eyes brighter than usual against the fluorescent lighting, and the curve of his lips just absolute perfection.
"Hey, can I talk to you about something?" Roman asks and my heart rate sky rockets, I'm intrigued, is it good or bad?
"Oh yeah absolutely, what's up?" I try to mask my nervous tone, but I know I'm falling short.
He looks around the hallway to ensure no one is within earshot and leans in a little closer across the counter of the nurses' station. My nostrils are having a party with the scent of him that invades me. I try to keep my composure with him so close to me.
"I was able to move some things around to be able to go to Charlotte's wedding," he starts explaining, I want to blurt out that I already heard but that would reveal that I talk about him in a personal and not professional manner.
"Oh, that's great!" I play it cool.
"Yeah, so I was thinking, maybe if you didn't already have a date, you'd maybe want to be mine? It could be a friend a thing, no pressure or anything, just thought it'd be cool to go with you." He almost seems nervous with his question, Roman doesn't get nervous, he's one of the most confident people I know.
Did I die and go to heaven? Is this actually happening right now? Did Roman actually just ask me to be his date for Char's wedding? I have to have entered an alternate universe.
I'm so lost in my mind that I can't form the words to answer, goddammit Jess get it together.
"I uh..it's okay," Roman says standing up straight again, ego visibly shaken.
"Oh gosh sorry, I would love that, it's a date," I finally respond. I have to work on my social skills, I'm an embarrassment to society.
"Really?" His eyebrows shoot up in surprise not quite expecting that response after my unbearable silence.
"Yeah," I say with a ridiculously oversized grin that I just can't contain.
"Perfect, well I gotta go check in on 312, we'll talk later," his thumb is pointed over his shoulder in the direction of Cole's room.
"Sounds good!" And seconds later he's out of view and in Cole's room.
Now that Roman is no longer clouding my mind, reality is hitting me hard.
Cole.
He did come through for me and there's no doubt this has a lot to do with whatever he said to Roman, the timing is too coincidental for it not to be. Our deal comes to the forefront of my mind, he gets Roman to ask me out and I tell him the truth about what I know about the accident. The regret of making this deal washes over every inch of me. I get to have something positive and happy out of this deal and his will be negative. Cole is already battling the hard hit of his life being turned upside down in every aspect. When I tell him the truth, whatever thread he's currently holding on to will be broken. I will shatter his world when I add insult to injury that the people, his lifelong friends left him to die on the side of the road that night and looked him right in the face and pretended none of it happened.