These violent delights have violent ends
And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,
Which as they kiss consume. The sweetest honeyIs loathsome in his own deliciousness and in the taste confounds the appetite. Therefore love moderately; long love doth so;Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow.
~William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet
He led me over there. Stellan eyes remained on me as we drew closer and then his mother noticed and drew the attention of the rest of them. "Good evening my lords and lady's". Agustin said.
Me and Stellan's eyes stayed connected and his eyes drew down at my hand that Agustin was holding. I prided my hand away from Agustin who was busy conversing with our parents. Looking to the side like I had something to be embarrassed about. Something to be ashamed about.
That heart dropping stinking feeling came again. I could feel Stellan's eyes on me. In a different way than what it was when we were back in the countryside.
When we were in the countryside the Wolf family seemed to come almost everyday. Stellans mother and my mother seemed to draw closer to each other and so did me and Stellan. Even if Stellans father didn't come he came anyway with his mother.
So those days in the countryside while Amara and Nolan hung out with their friends it was just me and Stellan in that house. Full of laughter and conversations. Sometimes just silence of me and him reading books and our servants reading theirs.
Although the servants were there it felt as though they weren't. As if it was just me and Stellan there only. In the beginning I didn't care if Stellan came or not; he seemed to be the only one talking when he came anyways. But more and more I found myself talking…and more and more I found myself peeking out the window or wondering if Stellan was coming.
"It's raining, Christina (Stellan's mother's name) most likely won't come today". My mother pouted to my father. "It would be good for I break of hearing you two squeal then". My father said, "You okay"? Amara nudged me.
"Yeah why wouldn't I be"? I asked, confused. "Oh it's just you had this kind of sad disappointed face on you". Amara whispered. I touched my face wondering what kind of look I had on my face. I kept touching my cheeks wondering what was wrong with my expression. What I was looking like then… Why I was so disappointed when my mother said Stellan and his mother wouldn't be coming today.
Why should I be worried about that? "What's wrong with your face"? My mother asked. This startled me. "Nothing". I said. Truly it was nothing…right?
"Carry"! My sister jumped on me. "Carry quickly"! Amara shouted. "What is it"? I groaned half asleep. "Emilio and his mother are here"! She yelled. "So why must I wake up"? I said pulling the cover me. "Because Stellan and his mother are also here"! She said snatching the covers off of me. "Really"! I said jumping out of the bed.
"Woah I've never seen you move so fast before"! Amara giggled. "Get ready quickly"! My mother said bursting into the room. She froze watching me and Amara move around the room frantically with our servants. "What-"? "Which one do I wear"? I said, staring at two dresses.
One was purple and the other was this blue color. I held them up to Amara who couldn't even decide what to wear herself. "The purple one"! My mother shouted. My mother covered her mouth in shock and I was in shock also of the fact that she was helping me.
She removed her hand and cleared her throat in a more calmer manner and said. "The purple one and Amara the pink one". We both nodded and began to be dressed by our servants with our mother over their shoulders telling them what to do.
"No no no her hair stays down just a few hair accessories". She said to the maid doing my hair. "Light makeup and light jewelry for both". My mother seemed more excited about us getting dressed than me and Amara did. And I was still trying to figure out why I was so excited myself about getting dressed and looking nice for Stellan and his mom myself.
"Let me look at you two". My mother said, grabbing each of our faces smiling. It was moments like this that I didn't know how to react with my mother. Times where she would be cold to me or times where she would be so warm.
Moments at night where she would come into my room and sit on my bed thinking I was asleep and rub my hair or pat my back. Sometimes just simply stare and smile at me. She would catch herself smiling and slowly her smile faded away. It confused and angered me when she was like this.
"Good beautiful both of you". She said. A feeling that I had felt came over me that I'd never felt before. I didn't know what it was I felt I did but I never felt it toward my mother. It was like a child who was happy because their parents had shown them love and recognition. But I had only felt this way towards my grandparents.
And when I had realized what the feelings were I began to feel sad and angry and hurt and disappointed. But at who? Myself? Why myself? "Let's go". My mother said holding both of our hands and leading us out of the room. Again the feeling had washed over me. It was like I was struck by something. I was amazed at something I'd never seen before.
"Good morning"! My mother said excited and full of energy. "Good morning Lady Whitewood". They said full of smiles. Amara happily did this, skipping walking over to Emilio who's grin went ear to ear. "Good morning lady Canary". Stellan said smiling softly. "Good- good morning". I said distracted by the feelings I had felt earlier.
Stellan's soft smile faded to a worry. I had noticed this but I was still trying to figure out why was wrong with myself. We had all won't the day with each other going to the countryside market instead of staying in this time. It was a hot day after the rain and me and Amara regretted our choice of wearing long sleeved lace dresses. The lace was suffocating and rubbed on our skin.
"Next time we have an outing on a hot day like this, let us not wear lace". Amara groaned. I nodded, fanning myself with a fan. Among the market it was different trinkets and food to try.
We tried almost everything there, however our mothers were hesitant to try anything. Which wasn't surprising. We looked around more soon, separating into our own pairs and groups.
Amara with Emilio and their servants,Our mothers with their servants, and me and Stellan with our servants. It was quiet between me and Stellan. He didn't say anything, just followed me to each booth I went to. "You're very quiet". He said finally. "But then again you're always quiet".
"So why say that then". I asked. Stellan shrugged, picking up a random sword and putting it back down. "No reason, I'm just wondering why a quiet girl is looking at weapons". I blinked a couple of times in disbelief that I was so distracted to the point I was looking at weapons.
"I just-". Stellan took the sword I was randomly holding in my hand and set it down. "You wouldn't understand". I said. I noticed my voice had cracked a little and I could feel the anger fill up instead of me from this.
I was so confused and so upset wondering why my mother kept doing these little things and why I was always so happy and seen when she had done these things. I felt disappointed that I had even felt these feelings. I thought I had thrown them away a long time ago when after a long time of not seeing my parents and hearing so much about them and receiving notes from them, when I finally met them nothing was real.
The notes were from my grandparents who were trying to save me from the heartbreak of my uninterested parents. They just stared at me when they first saw me. "What notes"? My father said, "we didn't send any notes".
I thought the first heartbreak was supposed to be from your lover…so every time I visited my parents my hopes would be up thinking that maybe they had a bad day. Only for my hopes to be shattered. After doing this for a while I stopped visiting. Only seeing them at the social events my grandparents sometimes went to. Then after a while of not seeing them I saw them again at my grandparents funeral….only this time I would be seeing them everyday.
"You wouldn't understand". I said again. My eyes burned and I knew why this meant. "Try me". Stellan said. "I think I saw a pastry booth around here. Sweets always make me happy". Stellan said, grabbing my hand. "I don't like sweets". I said. "Well I'll eat for both of us then".
He sat me down on a bench and went away for a while and came back with this frozen pastry in his hand. "Well shoot me". He said sitting down. And I told him my story and feelings and he sat there patiently and listened. Nodding and staring occasionally looking away to take a scoop of his pastry.
When I was done he handed me a handkerchief. "I don't need it". I said sniffing. "You're crying". He said. "I'm crying"? "Mhm". I took the handkerchief embarrassed and started wiping my tears staining his handkerchief with my makeup. "Im-I'm sorry". "I'll return it back to you washed". Stellan shook his head. "It's fine".
"Back to you". He said, setting his empty pastry container down. "Maybe the little things your mother is doing to you is a sign of regret". "Regret"? I laughed. "My mother? Regret ahahahahaha"! I began to laugh so hard imagining my mother of all people regretting her actions.
Stellan began to look at me like I was crazy. "Yes regret". He said. "You should meet my mother when she's not in guest persona". I chuckled. "You would be surprised to know that even evil people have regrets". Stellan said. "Your mother is no exception to that statement".
"Just as you have caught your mother staring at you, who's to say that when she's staring at you she isn't regretting letting her mother take you all these years ago"? "You are a right to feel how you feel I'm pretty sure I would feel the same way".
"These feelings will forever stay if you don't talk to her". I shook my head. "She will never spare me the time to have a conversation not then and certainly she won't now". Stellan shrugged. "You never know if you try". He said standing up.
"Let us not dwell on sad things during this wonderful and beautiful day especially when both of us are looking so handsome and beautiful". He held his hand to me grinning hugely. "Hmm just a thought". I took it, letting him help me stand up from the bench and we continued to look around.
Eventually setting my eyes on a booth that had jewelry. "See anything you like"? Stellan asked. I nodded and picked up this Qiaiar styled bangle.
It had red rubies encased in this woven gold cases. They were spaced out around the bangle and a gold rope like craving connected them all twisting around the thick golden bangle. "From Qiaiar itself only two silver coins". The seller said. "We'll take it then". Stellan said, handing her the coins. "What I could've paid for that".
"Consider it a cheer up gift". Stellan smiled, handing me the wrapped bangle. "Besides I remember you telling me all your jewelry is back in Qiaiar that you only have empire styled jewelry". "Thank you". I said holding the bangle to my heart.
The only jewelry I had was of the empire style. Regular diamonds or emeralds of the sort. My uncle had tried to find me jewelry that looked the same but they couldn't imitate the real thing. And Agustin the weirdo that he was would sometimes send me a necklace or bracelet with his letters that weren't even written by him. Agustin told me to send you this. They would say. And they were always emerald jewelry.
Rubies could only be found in the Qiaiar kingdom; it's one of the reasons why other kingdoms, even the empire, wanted to trade with them. They could make jewelry that looked like jewelry from the Qiaiar empire using opals and garnets but it wasn't a ruby and people could see that so they spent all this money to buy Qiaiar jewelry or rubies.
"I think I'll treasure this forever". I said smiling at the bangle. I could feel Stellan smiling and staring at me in the same manner that I was smiling at the bangle. I think it was then that I was fine with marrying Stellan. No maybe a fact that I wanted to marry Stellan.
That his smile and the way I saw him care for his mother reminded me of how my grandfather smiled and cared for my grandmother. How I said that I would marry a man that was like my grandfather. I had seemed to find it. But when the day came for me to tell my parents and Stellan's parents that I would agree to the marriage then Agustin happened.
And here I was looking away from Stellan in shame and somewhat embarrassment. "Red and orange, you know red is my favorite color". Stellan said. I looked at Stellan who had his warm smile and eyes that had a sense of sadness and worry in them. A little bit of happiness also.
"Beautiful isn't she"? Agustin interjected. Stellan nodded. "Always". "Canary dear-". My mother said, grabbing my hand. "Let us go see your sister". "Okay". I said not protesting.