Nyxara
🕯️Content Warning for Chapter 21: discussion of psychological trauma and grief, references to emotional manipulation and non-consensual bonding (Velintra), mild depictions of dissociation and emotional breakdown, mentions of suicidal ideation
"Now that we know what to look for, your latest medical reports confirm something important: you no longer have a Hollow-bind." The next screen showed my updated chart and lab reports. I didn't understand all the terminology I read, but what I did understand painted a clear picture: I'm going to be dealing with side effects. "You will, however, have to deal with the resulting bond sickness, which we will address during your rehab," Aspen exhaled.
So not an incurable consequence according to the lab reports. Looks like a customized treatment plan will be implemented. Good to know I don't have to plan a bucket list of things to do now. The plan is still to get out of this hospital as soon as possible. Neither I nor this body care to be a patient in a medical facility. Makes me feel allergic.
Analyzing everything on the screen, I don't acknowledge the intense gazes of my family. Taking a look at my tablet screen, I'm pleased to see it has been making notes from our discussions in my style and organizing it like I would. My breath shudders out as I release the last bit of tension I was holding from my breakdown.
"Bond sickness is both psychological and physiological. It's caused by an unbalanced, interrupted, or non-consensual Velari bond—just so you are clear on what you are being treated for." Aspen says, the words appearing in quiet, pale lettering across the screen.
"There are many ways bond sickness begins," Aspen continues. "Sometimes it comes from a bond being forcibly broken during trauma or death. Such is the case with you. Other times it's caused by years of suppressing a fated connection or being forced to avoid someone your essence is drawn to."
The next line pulses gently on the screen:
Symptoms vary: emotional instability, heightened sensitivity, volatile moods, and dissociation are common. Some may experience phantom sensations, essence depletion or overflow—and in rare cases, scent destabilization or even core fractures."
I say nothing and just keep processing. My nail taps a rhythm on my mug as I take another long drink. Mmmmm, this warmth is like a balm to my battered soul.Â
"Omegas and Betas are the ones most commonly affected in the mentioned situations, but there are known cases of Alphas being affected when their Velari mate dies. But it's often overlooked because so few people recognize the signs. Or want to."
Aspen's voice softens. "It's under diagnosed. Especially when caused by chosen mates and the right questions aren't asked."
She must have felt trapped. The mug must be made of strong material. I'm gripping it so hard I would have thought it would have cracked by now.
The screen fades into a single line, stark in its stillness:
Regional Accordance Law, states knowingly causing bond sickness is considered a major bond integrity violation.
I don't have any memory of the Hollow-bind, but my body does. My body tries to trigger again, but I will myself to be calm and patient. Good. The law is on our side— and the game is only just beginning. They played with someone who didn't know how to fight. Now they will be playing with a soul who has rage and grief to burn. I will not be so easy an opponent for them as she was.
Before the silence got too awkward, Keir chimed in. "Preliminary reports from our investigators confirmed that it was Koba who gave you the claiming bite and subjected you to the Velintra for a little over two years. We do not yet know his reasoning or if his enclave was involved outside of himself and Minette. What we have put together from our independent research combined with your medical reports is that the Velintra was formed because you were not allowed to exchange energy nor give him a claiming bite."
The ice in my veins was turning into magma while I listened to the facts my brothers were giving me. Koba. I didn't doubt he was the culprit, but I guess because of my "memory loss" and Minette not being a reliable source, they wanted to confirm it was him. I felt nothing—and yet everything. Grief without shape. A yearning I couldn't name. Restlessness stitched into my bones. I thought it was because of the new world and the family situation, but now, based on what Aspen said, bond sickness is playing a part in this storm of emotions.
There was quiet rage in Keir's tone as he continued. The spicy scent of charcoal and patchouli made me feel safe and protected. Again I instinctively knew it was Keir's personal scent. Like a phantom memory I just know this. The magma cools once more as I don't feel as compelled to rain down violence with Keir so willing to do it for me. I barely caught, Momma whispering "pull back on your aura" while she nudged him with her foot. The charcoal and patchouli scent lessened but was still quite present.
"As I was saying, we are still confirming if Koba was aware of you suffering from the Hollow-bind or if you and Minette kept it from him. Recent reports indicate, he was aware that he was transmitting emotions and thoughts sporadically to you. We just aren't sure if he understood the severity of your condition." Keir's vindictive smile showed that he took pleasure in what he was about to share from his tablet. "He is however currently experiencing a mild case of bond sickness himself. He is hiding out in his downtown apartment so we do not believe his enclave is aware of his suffering."
The rumble of Papa's voice when he spoke resonated through me. For just a moment, those vibrations made me feel completely free of pain. Maybe Papa's voice could help in therapy or at least this vibrational frequency. I'll suggest it to Aspen later. "I will be making sure when our lawyers serve them the betrothal dissolution paperwork this evening that they subtly record everything. I want to see their faces and hear their words when they find out what their precious scion's actions have done. We will get you your pounds of flesh, Emberling. They will pay for what they have done. Trust in your Enclave. We will not let you down."
I will not cry. I will not cry. If I do, I'll come undone—bones too soft, lungs too shallow. My skin already aches from holding myself together. One sob and I'll splinter. I have to finish this. Just a little more. I kept telling myself not to cry over and over in my head as I gave Papa a nod in thanks before turning back to the screen as Aspen moved on to the next slide.
"As we come to the conclusion of this mini lesson, you should know that your essence left your body at the moment of death. That is how the Velintra was severed. While this did free you of the bond, it also caused significant trauma to your core systems. The result is the bond sickness. Your essence cores are unstable and your essence pathways are congested. Healing will take time. Not as long as it would in other circumstances since you have essentially reset your system. But it will take time."
The slide changes to show diagrams of essence threads slowly realigning.
"To begin that healing," Aspen says, "you'll receive layered therapies. Light mental conditioning to help repair neural pathways affected by the Velintra side effects. Energy regulation sessions to stabilize your cores. Your cores are currently sealed. That gives both you and us time to gently guide your essence pathways back into peak condition. Lastly, structured support will be provided to help you re-establish a healthy sense of self."
I press a hand to my sternum. Breathe in 1, 2, 3. Breathe out 1, 2, 3, 4. You are a temple. This is our chance to start over and do things right this time. WE HAVE TO BREATHE!
"None of this was your fault, Nyxara," Aspen adds, more softly now. His voice breaks me from whatever panic attack was trying to start. "Your mind responded to pain it couldn't name. Your body reacted to betrayal it couldn't fight. But now, we know. And now, we can help."Â
Aspen falls quiet, but the air feels heavy now—full of things that were never said, couldn't have been said, until now. I should feel angry. I should scream. But all I feel is exhausted.
Not the kind of exhausted that sleep could fit but the kind where there's smoke and ash in my bones and blood."
But maybe that's the point. This is a complete, fresh start and maybe healing from past and present hurts isn't about waking up and pretending none of it happened. I dig my fingers into the blanket over my stomach. Not enough to hurt. Just enough to stay here.
I'm sure she and I have both felt like there were times we were losing our minds. I remember the nights when I was told to stifle my sobs because I needed to move on from the death of my family and it was rude to constantly disturb everyone with my grief. Then there were the nights when I considered just leaving that house because I was tired of being perfect and I felt like I had to beg for any affection I was given. The wondering—hoping—that if I disappeared, maybe that would be the kindest thing I'd ever done for myself.Â
But I couldn't do it during those days. I felt I had to accomplish something so I wouldn't disappoint my dead family. So I kept pushing on. I bet she kept pushing on too. Hoping, praying that if she held on it would all be worth it and she would be worthy. A blanket slipped from my shoulders, pooling at my elbows. I didn't fix it. I just let the cool mist in, grounding me. Anchor in this spiraling moment.
It was never our fault. We did not deserve the things that had happened to us. We could have made other choices but we made the only choices we knew how to make at the time. I must forgive myself for those choices and hope wherever you are now you have forgiven yourself as well.