Chapter 21 - Chapter 21: Bond Talk Pt 2

Nyxara

🕯️Content Warning: This chapter contains depictions of emotional trauma, descriptions of psychological abuse, dissociation, and a trauma-related breakdown. Please take care while reading.

"Hey now, I was just wanting her to have all the facts. I wasn't thinking about how she may not want to talk about…" I threw a stuffed wolf I saw amongst the presents at him before he could turn me into a grape tomato with how much I'm blushing. "Stop talking about that! I will forgive you if you just move on with this presentation!" 

I was huffing and puffing. The machine was beeping a bit, but I quickly got myself back under control. My aim was excellent. I got him good in the face. Keir nearly doubled over laughing at Aspen's stunned expression. Aspen snapped out of his shock quickly enough. He picked up the stuffed animal from the floor, then placed it back on the table. He turned back to the TV screen like nothing that occurred in the past few minutes had happened. 

"Well, as I was saying, everything up to this point has covered what the Kaelin and Velari ritual looks like when done correctly and completely." Aspen looks directly into my eyes. "Now we will go over what happens when the ritual is interrupted, rejected, or is one-sided…" The moment my ears hear rejected or is one-sided, my chest tightens to the point I can't breathe for 5 seconds. What the fuck was that? I lost control of my body. It reacted before I could even process what was happening. My fingers begin to twitch as if I had been electrocuted. I fumble to bring up the voice-to-text function on my tablet so that everything would be recorded and I could sort it out later. I hide my hands in my lap, ignoring the looks of my family. 

Seeing that I wasn't going to acknowledge their worried looks, Aspen reluctantly continues the presentation. "If one participant is bitten, but does not bite the biter in return, a Hollow-bind occurs. If essence exchange is started by one person but the other person doesn't complete the exchange for whatever reason, a Hollow-bind will occur."

I burrito myself in the blankets around me trying to listen but I'm quickly drifting into a deeper disassociating state. My body shakes so much I'm holding onto my blankets like they are going to be torn from my grip. I feel like I'm having a seizure. I may have also fiddled with my biometric band so that alerts will only go out in an emergency. They don't need to know exactly how tense these talks have been for me. Gotta keep some cards to myself. 

"Nyxara. Why didn't you… We are going to take another snack break. You are about to code you are so triggered. We can stop here for today." Aspen says pulling my arm with my band on it out of my cocoon. He compared my band's readings to his tablet. Kneeling down he examined me with his eyes and I felt him examining me internally as well. 

"We will not let you go through this recovery alone. No strings attached. You can lean on us, Nyxara. One step at a time. We will push you but we won't rush you. Now breathe with me." He takes a deep breath in, holds it then releases it before taking another. "You are going to have to regulate your breathing again or the nurses out there are going to come in here. Breathe, Nyxara. What happened is over. Scream if you have to but you have to breathe."

With the permission to scream that is what I did. Loud and piercing. Each cry felt like it tore through scar tissue. It came from my soul and so did the tears. My fists and feet were connecting with flesh. I was uncontrollable. I think I even bit someone. It felt like I unleashed everything for hours. When I could finally calm down, I found myself squished in Momma's and Papa's arms. Keir was gently but firmly holding my ankles, while Aspen was massaging my hands. Lux was watching us intensely. His aura was manifesting through Aspen again. The cool mist was touching me at pressure points grounding me just as much as the physical touches.

"Hush, baby girl. You are not alone. Your protectors are here and no harm can touch you. Hush now, baby girl. Dry your eyes. Today is a new day just for you. You are strong and you are brave. You are a child of the stars and they will forever guide you. So hush, baby girl. You will overcome this trial. Believe in yourself just like we believe in you." Momma softly sang in my ear. My body went completely lax. 

"I'm sorry." I softly apologized. My throat was very sore now from my screaming. "Nothing to apologize for, Dragonfly. Here drink some of Korran's brew that should help settle you some more. Eat some of Mrs. June's mini doughnuts too." Keir hands me my mug and the doughnuts. The others settle around me. Momma places my blanket across my lap and Papa keeps me tucked into his side.

For a while, we just sat in silence while I ate doughnuts and drank Papa's brew. They didn't just sit there and watch me though I could feel they all kept an eye on me. They busied themselves with tablets and phone looking devices. When I felt completely settled again, I prompted Aspen to continue the presentation.

"Are you sure? We can continue another day. There is no need to test your limits."

"I'm sure. I can continue. If I get too triggered again, we can stop for the day."

Everyone glanced at each other before looking at me. "Since you are being open and honest, we can continue. Keep our link open and be honest about how you are feeling. Otherwise we will stop, understood?"

I nodded. Keir placed my notebook and tablet in front of me. When Lux began speaking, he pressed the voice to text button on my tablet for me with a wink. I gave him a small smile.

"The Hollow-bind creates a one-way channel due to the imbalance," Lux explains, voice quiet. "The affected party becomes vulnerable to emotional bleed-through. Thoughts, sensations, and moods from the unbonded party can slip through—uncontrolled and without consent. Especially if the unbonded is careless… or cruel. Over time, the bleed-through can fracture the affected's psyche. The mind and body crave what it was primed to receive. The Hollow-bind will over time begin to feel like a phantom injury. Both on the inside and outside of the affected."

Ah.

The words bring a sense of crystal clarity. He knew — he must have known. My Koba was many things and his betrayal cut deeply but none of it was this level of cruelty. She was abused every day, every hour, every minute, every second. She was abused mentally, emotionally, and physically for over two years. She went through all that while hiding it from the family somehow. I faintly hear Aspen's hesitant voice relay the next bit of information. My mind puts this tidbit of information in my mental file for this growing mystery of why the other Nyx did what she did. Every step forward seems to bring more questions than answers. 

"The phantom injury sensation you were experiencing was your essence registering the absence as abandonment and rejection while still remaining tethered."

The screen shifts again. A small, pulsing diagram of two sets of two essence cores. Set one had a colored braids of light connecting two cores. The cores had a healthy glow. Set two had just a red beam of light connecting two cores. One of the cores' glow looked unstable.

"Prolonged exposure to a Hollow-bind can lead to symptoms such as insomnia, emotional volatility, self-loathing, obsessive thoughts, dissociation, and suicidal ideation. In some cases, the affected may even receive painful projections—unfiltered thoughts or memories sent across the link, often without intent or awareness." 

Who is he lying to? Koba is not a child. I suspect he was very aware of the side effects. He was probably making her promises he never intended to keep until he was ready to keep them. He most likely kept her on the edge by doing something to slow down the rate at which the symptoms would affect her. 

The ice in my veins kept my emotions and mind cold. I didn't get triggered. I simply got colder. It was personal before, but now it's pre-meditation. I will make him and everyone involved regret ever deciding to play with her like they did. No matter how long it takes, they will settle this debt owed.