+ Trigger Warning:
~ Referenced suicide (non-graphic)
~ Emotional distress related to past suicide attempt
~ Intimidation and non-graphic violence
Aspen
Nyx did not respond verbally, but her body language told a story. Her gaze moved around the table, cataloging every face, every posture, every angle. She had strengthened her ward, so I couldn't sense her emotions anymore. Only in the micro-tells of her body could I read her agitation. In contrast, the curiosity I saw was hopeful. If she was feeling conflicted, then we hadn't broken her trust yet.
I would prefer to be linked with her right now, so I could monitor her for flare-ups. But I don't want to do anything that might make her wary of our intentions. I will just have to trust the others to handle the trial so I can stay focused on monitoring her through her body language.
It became clear that Nyx wasn't going to move this conversation along, so Uncle Cor continued speaking gently but firmly. "You don't have to give answers for what you don't know, but we request you answer what you can. You aren't isolated from the world anymore. You will be healed soon enough that we need to begin preparing the needed items and constructing the ritual space."
"To ensure the ritual's success and to minimize backlash, you need to confront your personal heart parasites. Unburden your heart, mind, and soul, Tharym daughter. Your family is beside you. You are not alone in your fight." While her expression was neutral in her observation of us, the tapping rhythm of her nails and foot was telling.
She slid her chair away from the table enough that there was space for her to retreat if needed. A heavy pressure developed in my chest. I had to count my breaths to make sure my breathing did not become labored. Nyx is guarding herself against us. Líma stepped closer to Nyx confirming my observation.
I felt both proud and sad that Nyx was putting her needs first. She isn't pretending she trusts us completely like she has over the past weeks. Instead she is using the lessons we've given her to calculate how best to protect herself in a room where she is outnumbered and the weakest. Another difference between the sister I grew up with and the Nyx we've come to know these past weeks. Nyxara wasn't weak, but she had a softness to her that led us to protect and over-shelter her.
The Nyx we have been getting to know since Seraphelle 1st, however, is a dominating force. She accepts guidance, but refuses to be sheltered. She pushed her limits and broke through the bottleneck Nyxara had been dealing with for two years in a matter of weeks. She is always hungry for knowledge. Partly to play her role, but also because she genuinely enjoys learning.
The differences between them are small in most aspects, but when put together, it is clear that more than simple amnesia was at play with her.
Lux's lips pressed together while his eyes softened, his own conflicting emotions evident to my eyes. He rubbed his face, then exhaled before speaking. "We're not angry with or condemning you," his tone was careful as he chose his words. "We just want to know you. The real you." Nyx's jaw tightened. Her back straightened, her eyes bore into Lux's with a weight beyond her essence level.
Uncle Cor nudged Lux subtly. Nyx's eyes tracked it, glanced at Uncle Cor, then focused back on Lux. She didn't see what I saw. Azrail was silently moving closer to her. Líma saw his action but did not stop him. If Líma is allowing him closer, then Nyx must still subconsciously trust him. Lux's fingers tapped once against the table before he leaned forward. His aura flared soothingly, and I braced for what he would say next.
"Nyx," Lux said softly. "Do you remember being someone else?"
Nyxara
The question was like a stone dropped into still water. Despite guessing this was where the conversation was headed, I still felt unprepared. I do not like feeling exposed and vulnerable. Azrail refilled my glass with something from one of the jugs I hadn't tried yet. At some point, a small table appeared beside me with my glass on it. Azrail had moved himself within touching distance, and I never saw him move.
He fiddled with my hair while continuing to be the most relaxed-looking person in the room. With his other hand, he nudged the glass closer to me until it was going to fall off the table if I didn't take it. So I did. This smiling face is low-key nightmare fuel. His aura and scent relax me, but the brushes of his essence feel like prickling needles.
I didn't fear Azrail, but I was developing a healthy caution when interacting with him. Everything about this situation traced back to him. My instincts were insistent about this despite Azrail doing the least so far. However they haven't steered me wrong yet. They also are telling me that he would never betray me.
If this is truly not betrayal, then why spring this inquisition on me like this? Why do they need to confirm I'm a different incarnation? Will it truly affect the ritual's success? I sniffed the offered drink, like I knew what I was doing, when testing for additives. However, I wasn't far enough along in my elemental Root training to be able to recognize any poisons or drugs, so I decided to trust my instincts that Azrail was not betraying me in this moment.
I wanted to believe that I did not cross over into another reality to have my faith in my family's integrity shattered. But I was keeping a record of the offenses that I would require emotional and mental compensation for to reset the balance between us. If I didn't end up cutting ties with them tonight, I would be raiding the personal vaults of all the adults excluding Venus.
I began my record the moment the door was locked after the servers left. Lux and Aspen's awkward expressions when it happened told me the servers might have been a bit overzealous in their desire to meet Lux's expectations. Regardless, it was offensive that they had not immediately called the servers to unlock it. They want to know the real me? Well, the real me is petty and likes to keep balanced accounts. I will bleed them enough that they will ask to kidnap me before they pull bullshit like this again.
Since I was essentially trapped here with them, I was going to bluff my way through this…trial they had chosen to put me through. I've survived death, I can get through this too. Plus, I wasn't alone. Líma was the only one I completely trusted in this room. She would get me out of here if I needed to escape.
To prove my point, she tapped her foot in our code, asking if I needed extraction. Crossing my arms, I drummed the nails of my left hand on my right arm, telling her no but to be ready. I felt three pairs of eyes on me waiting for my answer. I drained my glass, then reached to pour myself a refill. Azrail pulled the jug out of my reach, then poured more of the brew into my glass. His warm smile distracted me until I took a drink of the brew. He hadn't filled it all the way up. I gave him a look, asking why my glass was half empty?
"I want you coherent for this conversation. After we finish with these unpleasant matters, I'll let you drink until you blackout." Azrail then pulled from his pocket space my favorite snacks, placing them on the table. I felt too anxious to snack, so I ignored the gesture. The calm eyes upon me reminded me I had been asked a question. Azrail's actions had calmed me enough I could process it. Did I remember being someone else? Reflexively, my hands curled around the edge of the chair. I had to force my fingers to loosen before I strained them. I had been gripping the chair that tightly.
Lux's eyes were too bright and too careful. Aspen was so focused on observing me that I was beginning to feel like an experiment. Uncle Cornelius was trying not to look like he was trying not to pressure me. Azrail watched us like the predator he was.
Líma's presence behind me was my anchor—steady and quiet. The only being in the room that was not making a demand of me, overtly or covertly.
I swallowed. I considered lying. I had already been lying to them for almost two months. I tried to keep the lying to a minimum, but when everything about me is a lie, it felt like an uphill battle. I'm tired from always having to manage their perception of me. Trying to balance who I am and who they believe I am. They have commented and praised many times how me just being me is everything they ever expected from Grey.
Yes, they now know Grey wasn't entirely herself these past few years. But even before her behavior change, she was only above average. She was capable of securing a place in the top ten easily, but I, on the other hand, excel to the point I will most likely claim a spot in the top three ranks at minimum when I return in spring. It wouldn't be a stretch for me to fight for valedictorian of my class year either. Once I have the memories to back up the foundation I'm currently building, that is. My higher potential and ambition were probably the first clues that I was an imposter. My drive to be the best gave me away.
Choosing to take that gamble, I opened my mouth to tell them what I knew. I gambled that I had built a strong enough bond with them to not be discarded after everything they have done for me.
Nothing came out. Not a sound. Not even air. My throat suddenly contracted. My lips moved, but my voice refused to come out. A warning chill crept up my spine that had nothing to do with the dangerous men seated with me. Aspen's chair scraped softly when he stood up, alarmed. He must have been tuned into any emotional emissions I gave off. "Nyx—" I tried to speak through the pain. Pain that lanced through my throat like claws raking the inner lining. My vision whitened at the edges.
Azrail abruptly brought his hand down on the table. Not loud. Not violent. It was a silent essence command that made even the pain obey his Will. "Don't push yourself to speak. Let Aspen check you over." I blinked rapidly as the room began to swim. With his finger, Aspen drew a sigil for healing on my throat. A cooling sensation immediately faded the pain to a throb. I tasted copper in my mouth. A cup of water appeared at my lips. I swished the water around to cleanse my mouth. The scent of sage informed me that Aspen was the one gently holding the cup to my mouth.
I pushed the cup away when I no longer tasted blood, and my pain had calmed.
Once Aspen determined I was physically okay, he got my consent to do a deep dive to scan for what triggered my attack. Our previous link was opened, then he dived in. While Aspen scanned me, Azrail held my hand. Still seated at the table, Uncle Cornelius and Lux quietly discussed what we would do if I couldn't proceed with the trial as intended. They honestly seemed relieved if that turned out to be the case. I was barely following their discussed options when I got distracted by the confusion appearing on Aspen's face.
After another moment, he leaned away, his eyes narrowed. "A binding," Aspen murmured. "Embedded deep in your soul. A subjective restriction. Based on what just happened, we can assume there are things she can't talk about. Even if she wanted to." Lux, Aspen, and Uncle Cornelius's faces hardened. Azrail, however, looked intrigued. What the hell did you do to me, Angel?
It was Uncle Cornelius who spoke first, "Who did this to you?" His voice stayed controlled, but the temperature in the room dropped. "Nyxara. Can you answer without speaking? Nod. Shake. Anything." I looked down at the table, then up at Uncle Cornelius. I nodded once.
I relaxed, knowing I could at least respond in this way. Let's see how much I can tell them non-verbally. They all relaxed on the surface, but Aspen's bouncing knee, Lux's twitching fingers, and Uncle Cornelius's flexed jaw did not escape my notice. This trial was just beginning, and they were already this agitated. What will they think of my previous life? Will they pity me? Will they praise me? Will they be disappointed? Or will they understand I simply played the cards life dealt me the best I knew how?
We sat in another silence until Azrail leaned towards me to ask, oh so casually, "Did you do a ritual to come here? Was it your intention to switch places with our Nyxara?"