~ Trigger Warning:
+ Referenced suicide (non-graphic)
+ Emotional distress
Nyxara
My stomach dropped as I remembered how I arrived here. Memories clawed at the lock on that corner of my mind. The corner I ignored as much as possible despite my therapy sessions with Aspen. They had nothing to do with Grey and this life. Why should I not bury them where they can no longer hurt me?
I failed. I was stretched thin. My mind had gotten comfortable with Aspen's presence when linked. In conflict with my emotions, for a moment I was back in Koba's bathroom.
*Cold bath water.
A bottle of peach-pink pills.
The sounds of moans, giggles, and the creaking of springs.
A deep sense of overwhelming grief.*
I shook my head, no. I didn't do a ritual. I didn't plan to come here. I was given an opportunity to reunite with my family. I took the deal.
Azrail searched my eyes, trying to read between the lines of my no—the context I couldn't say. "Did our Nyxara know what she was doing when she enacted the ritual? Did she know she would have to…die? Is she really dead?" Azrail asked slowly. I nodded, shrugged, then when I tried to move to answer the last question, it was my head that exploded with pain this time.
Aspen drew a stabilizing sigil upon me, and Uncle Cornelius spoke a healing spell, easing the migraine. I didn't notice any of them moving me back to the table. Nor that they had all settled round me in a protective circle. Lux and Aspen gently rubbed my back, soothingly as I tried to remember how to breathe. Shit, this is worse than a flare-up. That at least is a continuous stream of pain, while this comes in cresting and receding waves of pain.
"The restriction appears to work whether you speak or not. So respond however you are comfortable. We will be more careful when asking any questions about the original Nyxara. Let's shift topics, are you from our world or a different world? Did you have to die to come here?" Lux picked up the line of questions after I indicated I was ready to continue.
I understood they wouldn't easily stop this trial now that it had started. I also understood that I should try to get through these questions as quickly as possible. I just wish they would either accept me or help me start over somewhere else. I'm not sure how much more of this I can do.
I forced myself to keep my breathing even. I focused on the present and ignored everything else. Aspen and Uncle Cornelius's spells were slowly setting me back to rights. I lifted one hand and gestured as if I was writing something. My throat was still sore, and writing things out would help me focus my aching mind. Uncle Cornelius pulled a notepad and pen out of his vest pocket.
I accepted the items, then wrote out my answers, pausing in intervals to make sure the binding wouldn't penalize me.
Different world, and yes, I died. Made a choice.
My chest tightened as I toed the line.
The person you knew I call her Grey. To not confuse us. I am Nyxara. A different soul, but Nyxara is who I am. Grey's soul is not here but somewhere else. This is my body now.
The atmosphere shifted as Aspen read out my words to the others. Their quiet was heavy, but they did not look upset. Azrail alone looked almost satisfied. I kept writing.
Grey wasn't trying to die. She made a choice. She is where she is meant to be. I don't know anything about her ritual. That isn't how I came to be here. I can't say more about that process. What I do know is this will be permanent once the memory ritual is completed.
My hand shook the more I toed the binding's limit. I set the pen down, and Azrail offered me a tea that soothed my throat. He must have had it in his pocket space. I could tell by the scent of it that he couldn't have gotten it from one of the jugs on the table. I glanced at their faces. Everyone was seated again, and they all looked like they were in deep thought. Uncle Cornelius spoke quietly, breaking the quiet. "Tell us about your life."
I admit I was surprised he asked about me instead of continuing to ask about Grey. My throat tightened in warning as I considered how to tell them my story. Once a reasonable version was constructed in my mind, the warning relaxed but stayed present. "My previous world was… similar to this one," I said, my voice hoarse, but the essence in the tea was repairing the damage Aspen's spell hadn't.
"No essence. No multiple races. Much is the same, but also a lot is different. I've actually been surprised by how well I've been adapting." I stared at the table for a moment, letting my introduction and its implications settle. "I had become an orphan there. Some of you weren't my family in that life." I glanced at Uncle Cornelius and Azrail, hoping to convey I meant them.
Their frowns told me my silent message was received. "A close family friend adopted me, but they turned out to be toxic. I stayed even when I could have cut ties with them once I was old enough. But I stayed because I didn't want to be alone."
Remembering my grief that I was barely healing from, I felt that grief crash over me, causing me to have a flare-up. The room blurred, but Aspen's psychic link quickly anchored me. I could feel his and Lux's essence shelter me from the whirlwind of my own essence. "Nyx, do not drown." Aspen demanded of me. I couldn't help the smile that bloomed at his bossiness. I nodded slowly, continuing my story carefully.
"I kept hoping they would truly accept me as family and someone they loved," I leaned my head against Aspen's shoulder and reached out to grasp Lux's hand. "But I was met with unreasonable expectations. My best friend and her brother were my comfort as I aimed to please my foster parents. Looking back now, I can see where I let myself be blind to their faults until it was too late. My situation with my best friend and her brother mirrored Grey's in its own variation." Silence followed this statement; they all looked thoughtful before the truth behind what I said hit them.
Lux's breath became uneven. Uncle Cornelius' hands clenched. Aspen watched, listened, and was very neutral in my impression of him. Too neutral for how emotional and caring he was towards anything dealing with me. When I poked him in the Tharym bond, I found he was blocking, so I could only guess at what he was truly feeling. It was Azrail who was most affected. His control finally cracked. His aura and scent slipped out in a suffocating wave, suppressing us before he snatched it back under control. He was breathing heavily. He pushed out of his chair, making it slam and break against a wall. He paced and muttered incoherently, stopped to glance at me, then began pacing again in a cycle.
Is he crying? Is the fact that in some ways I had it worse than Grey hitting him that hard? I wasn't being slowly poisoned and mentally enchanted like her, but I was all alone with people who smothered me until…
"I had just begun my law career. I had graduated top of my class and was already considered a rising star." My proud smile blossomed, lessening the negative energy of the room. Lux and Aspen patted my head wordlessly, showing me they were proud of what I had accomplished. The tears that flowed and the watery smile that formed at the simple positive gesture from my siblings did not stop Uncle Cornelius from scooping me up and rocking me like a child.
It's moments like this that remind me how big and strong the men in my family are compared to me. I'm the same height as my 5'7 aunt Zira, but everyone else except Taen and Rhodri is 5'9 or taller. Uncle Cornelius was a bit cool to the touch, so he felt good against my feverishly warm skin. "Silly girl, does the praise from your brothers mean that much to you? Did no one there congratulate you on proving that the Ajei bloodline naturally produces elite offspring? Was your surname Ajei there too?" I nodded into his shoulder, accepting the handkerchief from Líma before she returned to her spot against the wall.
"I really have got to check her programming. That is the second time she has snuck up on me tonight." Aspen muttered softly, making me giggle. The sound brought a smile to their faces. My giggle turned into a laugh when I saw Lux and Aspen knock fists with proud smiles. I watched them curiously until Uncle Cornelius set me back in my chair after I had calmed down.d calmed down again.
Azrail was immediately by my side, enveloping me in his scent and aura. I gave him a kiss on the cheek so he wouldn't escalate his petty behavior. While he grinned smugly at Uncle Cornelius, I blew a kiss and mouthed thank you to Uncle Cornelius when he wasn't looking. When Azrail turned back to me,Uncle Cornelius smiled and rolled his eyes at Azrail's antics.