~ Trigger Warning:
+ Discussion of past suicidal ideation and emotional betrayal.
Nyxara
Turning my focus back to my brothers, I waited for an answer to my silent question. Their in-sync blush made me all the more curious. I think this is the first time I've seen them in sync in such a childlike manner. I giggled, accepting the cup of non-alcoholic juice from Azrail.
"We just feel it is amazing that even in a different…reality, our Ajei bloodline is still top-notch." Lux haltingly explained, then took a deep drink from his beer mug. Aspen nodded in wordless agreement. They can be so cute when they act like this. They are especially cute when they talk about their crushes. If I'm not exiled by the end of this trial, I should ask them how their romantic pursuits and Kaelin bonding are going.
Because the atmosphere had improved, I didn't want to bring it down. But I still needed to finish my sad tale. I was truly already done and over with this trial. "Picking up where I left off." Everyone sat back down, giving me their undivided but solemn focus. "I thought my life was finally on track. I had a family that wanted me to succeed. A best friend who always had my back. The man I had chased was finally mine. I had a great job. Everything was looking good."
I played with the condensation on the polished wood table, not looking up as I told them what I could about the end of my life on Earth. "Until I was betrayed by those I loved. I did not have other deep connections, so my weary, struggling soul decided it was time." When I attempted to give better context, my throat began to constrict, so I shifted direction. "I was older than I am now. I had struggled and climbed to prove my worth to myself and my foster family. It was never enough. So I decided to go to sleep. Permanently." I whispered. Uncle Cornelius, Aspen, and Lux's eyes were filled with tears.
Azrail just kept playing with my fingers. Now that I was paying attention, I instinctively knew I couldn't say anything about what happened during my meeting with Angel. So I twisted the truth. "As I fell asleep, my only wish was to be with my family again. And then I woke up here," I finished. "In your similar but different world. In your similar but different family. "
I looked up then. The scent of bitter tea gave away the anxiety I was trying to hide. I met each set of eyes. I saw nothing but protectiveness in their gazes. Uncle Cornelius was the first to speak. "Thank you for telling us your story. I know my sympathy may not mean much now, but I wish you never had to go through all you went through. At least we now have some answers, and we can make guesses that Nyx…I mean Grey has moved on to where she will truly blossom in the way we always wanted for her."
Uncle Cornelius's smile was watery, and his eyes carried grief. Lux pulled my focus to him when he spoke next with a tightness in his tone. "Do not carry any secret of this magnitude alone again. We are your family regardless of where you came from. We will always be your family. We are Ajei! We ascend together! Never forget that, Little Wolf Queen." He got out of his chair, kissed my head, then nuzzled his cold smoke and black cypress scent onto me before he sat back down and poured himself another mug full.
Aspen grasped my hand. I felt his psychic knock, so I let him in. —I feel that moment we had back on the first day of your therapy sessions was my incarnation's way of conveying a message to you. They are resting peacefully, knowing you are safe and well with family again. I promise you again, you are not alone. We love you. We see and acknowledge you as you are. I hope you will be able to truly accept that it is you that we love. We do not see you as a shadow of Grey.— I squeezed his hand so hard I had no doubt I broke it. Again.
—Trust you to see right through me and make me face the things I was telling myself. Now that everything is in the open, I will try to let myself truly believe that it is me you are accepting as your family.—
Without any prompting, I turned to Azrail. He leaned forward, grief threaded through fury. "You are my child. My daughter. My Little Queen. I regret that I will never have the opportunity to make things right with Grey, but I will not tarnish the honor of making things right for you when you need us so much more. Welcome home, Nyxara Ajei."
His gaze and expression shifted into a warm, loving one. It was the look he got when he was about to fall into obsessive dad mode. I gave him another cheek kiss, then blew kisses to the others. I knocked his hand away when he tried to snatch Uncle Cor's out of the air. I popped a sucker into his mouth when he opened it to complain. He pouted, but his eyes were happy because the sucker was his favorite kind. Another point to Nimra for sharing this managing tip. I knew Nimra's body couldn't have been her only way to manage him. I chuckled, wondering what other techniques Nimra used to manage her mates—and whether she would teach them to me.
Uncle Cor and Azrail both expressed in a rare display of unity that I had sufficiently confronted my past heart parasites. "What you have gone through will not be easily dealt with. But by sharing with us and being able to truly be yourself now, you have finally begun your journey to defeating them." Azrail's serious tone of voice made me sit up straight, absorbing every word.
However, it was Uncle Cor who spoke next, in harmony with Azrail. "Every cultivator must deal with heart parasites. You are not unique in this affliction. You are actually fortunate and unfortunate in that these parasites were born of a past life. Fortunate because how you live your life here can help you conquer them in an indirect manner. Unfortunate because you cannot directly make things right in that life anymore, so you may feel disconnected from your success."
They let me meditate on their words. I let it all sink in, and I felt relieved to have completed this first heart trial. I understood their words, but what they didn't know is that I would be more fortunate than unfortunate in my heart journey. Grey's life on Earth would make things right. My life here on Asari would correct the transgressions of the past. At the core of it all, Grey and I are variations of the same soul. Our heart journeys will ripple out and help cleanse each of us in turn of our personal heart parasites. I wasn't worried. She is me, and I am her. Neither of us truly gave up. We just switched playing fields.
With my mind set, heart clear, and my soul renewed, I stood and bowed to the table. "Tharym daughter accepts this task given by my elders. I will succeed and thrive. So mote it be." My instincts did not fail me. After the shock of me instinctively completing the ritual wore off, I heard their chairs move as they all stood and saluted me with wide grins.
"We are Ajei. Together we rise and fall. Tharym daughter, you were dropped in the middle of a cultivation journey already begun, but you have not let that stop you. We look forward to your ascension. Perhaps you will one day ascend higher than us all. Let us toast to our Nyx. She is renewed and ambitious." Azrail spoke with a loud and proud voice as Uncle Cor poured us all a cup of brew. The scent of berries and herbs tickled my nose as Uncle Cor finished my pour.
With a wink to Lux, Azrail made a mutinous comment, "Better watch out, my eldest. The youngest may decide to come for your position as scion." I was shaking my head so fast in denial that they all laughed. Lux came over to me, placed an arm around my shoulder. He knocked his mug against my glass. "If she wants it and proves herself to be the best candidate, I would gladly hand over the position."
"No need, elder brother. No need. Youngest doesn't want it. No thank you. Plus I would not want to step forward if second elder brother or third elder brother wants it. I'm happy being a Sentinel and finding out what else I want to do in this world. We have so many divisions and industries under our enclave to choose from." I laughed nervously, hoping they weren't really going to try to give me the position.
Lux just smiled mysteriously as he raised his mug. I narrowed my eyes at him as I raised my glass. The others didn't comment, just raised their cups too. "To Nyxara Ajei, 1st Lady of the Ajei Enclave. May she ascend to ever higher heights." We cheered, then all took a deep swig from our cups.