The Going Merry was a rocket. She was a cannonball. She was, in no uncertain terms, a tiny wooden coffin about to be pulverized against a mountain of solid rock.
"ANOTHER MOUNTAIN?!" Nami shrieked, her voice cracking in pure, operatic terror. "WE'RE GOING TO CRASH! FOR REAL THIS TIME!"
"I'LL CUT IT!" Zoro roared, drawing all three of his swords, a manic grin of challenge on his face as he prepared to, apparently, dice a continent.
"IT'S A WALL OF DEATH!" Usopp wailed, already on his knees, scribbling his last will on a piece of the deck. "MY 'I'M-ALLERGIC-TO-SUDDEN-GEOGRAPHICAL-WALLS' DISEASE! IT'S FATAL!"
"A SECOND MOUNTAIN?!" Luffy yelled from the figurehead, his eyes wide, not with fear, but with confusion. "WHY IS IT GROANING?!"
The "mountain" loomed, filling their vision. It was dark, curved, and rushed toward them with the finality of a guillotine.
Nami, Sanji, and Usopp were screaming. Zoro was tensed for his Oni Giri. Luffy was just... confused.
Only Ben stood still at the bow, his white hair unruffled by the wind. His expression was one of sad quiet. He knew this wasn't rock. It was flesh.
This is it, he thought, a knot tightening in his chest. Laboon.
The Merry was seconds from impact. The crew braced, their eyes squeezed shut.
"Merry," Ben whispered, so low only the ship could hear, "Brace yourself." Then, louder, he raised the Elder Wand, its tip glowing with a soft light. He didn't just cast a spell; he threw up a magical handbrake the size of an island.
"ARRESTO MOMENTUM!"
A vast, invisible shield of pure magical friction erupted from the wand. It didn't stop the ship—that would have snapped the mast in two. It caught her, like a baseball in a giant, padded glove.
The Merry shuddered violently, the sound of straining wood and the screech of decelerating physics ripping through the air. The crew was thrown forward. Luffy, being rubber, just bounced.
Zoro and Sanji, tensed for a fight, managed to stay upright. Nami and Usopp, however, tumbled across the deck like dice in a cup.
And then... silence.
The Going Merry floated, completely unharmed, bobbing gently on the water. She was approximately... four inches... from the "mountain."
The crew, panting, slowly picked themselves up.
"We're... we're alive?" Nami whispered, her face pale.
"I did it!" Usopp declared, jumping to his feet. "My 'Scared-of-Death' pose must have intimidated the mountain!"
Zoro sheathed his swords, grumbling. "Tch. It's just a big rock. Ben, you used your magic again, didn't you? Took all the fun out of it."
"Ben, you saved us!" Nami cried, hugging the wizard's leg.
"It's... just a wall," Luffy said, still perched on the figurehead, poking the "mountain" with his sandal. "It's... kinda soft. And... wet?"
And then, four inches from his face, the mountain...
Blinked.
A colossal, slow, creaking eyelid, the size of the Merry herself, lifted, revealing an eyeball underneath. An eye that was mournful, ancient, and impossibly, impossibly large.
A wave of collective, existential horror washed over the crew.
Usopp's jaw unhinged. "The... the... the... the... THE MOUNTAIN IS ALIVE!"
Zoro's eyes went wide. His bravado vanished, replaced by pure, primal instinct. "It's a whale! A whale the size of an island! RUN!"
"PADDLE!" Nami shrieked, grabbing an oar. "EVERYONE PADDLE! GET US OUT OF HERE! BEN, DO THE FWOOSH THING!"
"I can't!" Ben lied, pretending to be exhausted from the spell. "I need to... recharge!" In truth, this was all going exactly to plan.
They paddled. They paddled with the furious, desperate energy of a housefly trying to escape a jar. Luffy stretched his arms into the water, his Gomu Gomu no Scramble turning the sea to foam, but they were barely moving.
The whale just watched them.
Then, from the deep, a sound began. A low, mournful, soul-shaking...
MRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW.
The roar shook the Merry to her keel, rattled the fillings in their teeth, and, most terrifyingly, created a vortex. The water reversed.
"IT'S... IT'S INHALING!" Usopp screamed as the Merry was sucked backward, toward the whale's snout.
"NO! NO! NO!" Nami cried.
With a soft, almost gentle bonk, the Going Merry's figurehead—Luffy's sacred, special seat—tapped against the whale's rubbery skin.
The ship stopped, caught in the current.
Luffy, who had been paddling, looked up. He saw the figurehead. He saw the new, tiny, spider-web crack in the paint from the impact.
His crewmates were terrified of the whale. Luffy... was just pissed.
"You..." Luffy's voice dropped, his straw hat shadowing his eyes. "You... broke... my... special seat."
"Luffy, what are you doing?" Nami whispered, her voice trembling.
"GOMU GOMU NO..."
"LUFFY, DON'T!" Ben shouted, trying (and failing) to hide his smile.
"PISTOL!"
Luffy's arm shot out. It rocketed across the tiny gap. And with a sound like a watermelon being slapped with a boat oar, Luffy's fist connected directly with the whale's giant, mournful eyeball.
THWACK.
The silence that followed was louder than any roar.
Nami. Usopp. Sanji. Zoro. Ben. They all stared, their faces frozen in a mask of pure, unadulterated "you-did-WHAT?!" horror.
"HE... PUNCHED... THE WHALE..." Nami whispered, her soul visibly leaving her body.
"IN... THE... EYE..." Usopp added, already fainting.
"LUFFY, YOU GOD-DAMNED, BRAIN-DEAD, SUICIDAL, RUBBER MORON!" Zoro and Sanji roared in perfect, terrified unison, both landing a simultaneous, skull-cracking kick on the back of their captain's head.
"OW! What?!" Luffy yelled, rubbing the new lump. "He broke the Merry! He started it!"
The great whale's eye turned. It focused... on the tiny, sheep-themed ship that had just assaulted it.
"We're dead," Sanji said, lighting one last cigarette. "Nami-san... it was a pleasure sailing with you."
"I'm too brave and handsome to die!" Usopp shrieked from the deck.
And then... the whale opened its mouth.
It wasn't just an opening; it was a revelation. A cavern of darkness, a tunnel of shadow, the size of a stadium, lined with teeth like obelisks. A new, powerful current surged, pulling them in.
"BEN!" Nami screamed, grabbing the wizard's robes. "MAGIC! DO THE MAGIC! THE STOP MAGIC! THE FLYING MAGIC! ANY MAGIC!"
Ben was frantically (and falsely) waving his wand. "I'm trying!"
Oh, this is perfect, his inner fanboy was cackling. Right on schedule. Crocus, I hope you've got the tea on.
"IT'S A LIE!" Usopp yelled, as the Merry was pulled inexorably into the darkness.
The last thing they saw was the light of the Grand Line snapping shut, replaced by a wet, cavernous blackness.
Total darkness. The sound of rushing water. The screams of Nami and Usopp. The thud of Luffy trying to punch the walls.
Then, with a gentle splash, the Going Merry bobbed and settled. The sound of rushing water stopped. It was... quiet.
"Did... did we die?" Usopp whispered, his voice trembling.
"If this is heaven," Sanji's lighter flicked, illuminating his face, "it smells terrible. Like... brine and old fish."
"Look!" Nami pointed.
Ahead... there was light.
"We... we were eaten... and... coughed up?" Luffy asked, confused.
The crew was, for the first time, utterly speechless.
The crew blinked in the sudden, astonishing light. They were floating on calm, clear blue water. Above them was a brilliant, vivid blue sky dotted with puffy white clouds. To one side was a small, perfectly manicured beach island, complete with lush green palm trees, bright yellow sand, and a small, brightly painted, charming two-story house.
The ship was bobbing gently. The crew stared at the scene, their minds completely failing to process the reality.
"I… I think we died," Usopp mumbled, crawling out from under the helm. "This must be… a pirate heaven… where the women are beautiful and the money grows on trees…"
"We were definitely eaten by a whale," Sanji stated, lighting a cigarette with a trembling hand.
Suddenly, the water beside the Merry erupted.
GLOOP!
A giant, glistening, grotesque squid, easily the size of the ship itself, emerged from the artificial sea, its massive eye fixed on the Merry.
"A SQUID!" Luffy roared, immediately excited. "CAN WE EAT IT?!"
Zoro draws his swords, ready to defend the ship against this sudden, biological horror.
Before Zoro could strike, a thin, silver streak of metal shot through the air from the house on the beach.
TWANG! THWACK!
The harpoon, fired with astonishing force and accuracy, pierced the giant squid's eye, killing it instantly. The massive creature slid back into the water, sinking with a heavy, gurgling splash.
A moment later, a figure emerged from the front door of the house.
It was an old man. He has a rather stocky and muscular body, is bald on the top of his head, but has white hair with yellow flower petal-like things, that have purple near the bottom of them, and a white beard that splits in two parts. His lower lip is noticeably larger than his upper.
He wears a pink shirt with a yellow and green stripe with purple circles in the yellow, along with blueish-grey shorts with sandals.
He looked at the scene: the sinking squid, the small sheep-ship, and the bewildered pirates. His face was set in an expression of seriousness.
"He killed it!" Usopp whispered, horrified. "The old man is a monster!"
The old man slowly, deliberately, walked across the sand. He didn't approach the boat. He walked to a spot beneath a palm tree where a folding beach chair was set up. He laid his harpoon gun down, unfolded the chair, settled into it with a sigh, and opened a newspaper.
The silence was punctuated only by the soft rustle of the paper. He didn't say a word. He just read.
Sanji's patience evaporated. The absurdity of the situation—eaten by a whale, finding a beach, being threatened by a massive squid, only for a grumpy old man to kill it and start reading the Morning Digest—was too much.
"HEY! OLD MAN!" Sanji yelled, marching to the railing. "SAY SOMETHING ALREADY!"
The old man slowly lowered the paper, looked over the top of his spectacles at Sanji, and then returned to his reading.
Usopp, emboldened by Sanji's outburst but still terrified, found a gap between the cannon and the railing and poked his head out.
"Y-Y-YOU OLD! W-WE'RE PIRATES! IF YOU WANNA FIGHT, L-L-LET'S FIGHT! WE HAVE CANNONS! AND G-G-GUNPOWDER!" he yelled, promptly hiding again, shaking uncontrollably.
The old man slowly, deliberately, folded the newspaper. His serious, unwavering gaze settled on the spot where Usopp had been, then shifted to the rest of the crew.
"You try that," the old man said, his voice a low, gravelly monotone, "and someone is going to die."
Nami and Usopp gasped, clinging to each other. Luffy, Zoro, and Sanji, however, straightened up, their expressions becoming hard and serious. This wasn't a joke.
"Yeah?" Sanji challenged, blowing smoke. "Who's that going to be, old man?"
The man looked at them with an expression of unwavering, deadpan menace.
"Me, of course," he said.
Sanji exploded. "EXCUSE ME?! YOU OLD HAG! I'LL KICK YOUR—"
Zoro clamped a hand down on Sanji's shoulder, stopping him mid-lunge. "Ease up there, buddy," the swordsman grunted, his eyes fixed on the man.
"Listen, old man," Zoro said, his voice measured. "We're not looking for a fight. But there are a couple of things we'd like to know. Where exactly are we, and who are you?"
The old man sighed. "It is good manners," he drawled, his serious expression never wavering, "to introduce yourself before asking a stranger questions."
"Fair enough," Zoro conceded, stepping forward. He was about to begin his own introduction, starting with his name. " I am Zoro...."
The old man interrupted him.
"I am Crocus," the man stated, his expression still utterly severe. "The keeper of the twin gates, I am 71 years old, Gemini, blood type AB."
Zoro froze, his face a perfect picture of slow-boiling fury.
"LUFFY, CAN I KILL HIM!" Zoro bellowed, his voice filled with righteous indignation.
Sanji, however, was now grabbing the swordsman's arm, trying to contain the imminent brawl. "ZORO, CALM DOWN! He's an old man!"
Ben, meanwhile, covered his face with his hand, shaking silently. Tears were streaming down his cheeks, but they were tears of pure, unadulterated hilarity. This was the moment. He had seen this scene hundreds of times in his past life, and seeing Zoro and Sanji's genuine, sputtering frustration up close was even funnier than he remembered. Crocus is a legend, Ben thought, stifling a laugh.
The momentary burst of chaos was abruptly interrupted by the sea.
The calm waters of the "stomach" began to churn violently. The Merry was tossed around like a bath toy.
"WHAT IS IT NOW?!" Nami shrieked.
'The turbulence!' Ben said, sobering immediately. 'It means Laboon is hitting the Red Line again! We need to move!"
Crocus, however, remained settled in his beach chair. He looked up at the violent, shaking movement.
"He's at it again," Crocus stated, entirely without emotion. "This," he gestured around the painted sky and the small beach, "is indeed the whale's stomach. I lined it with a special coating to keep his stomach acid from killing us all, and I keep him fed."
He then explained the truth: Laboon was hitting the Red Line because he was waiting for the return of a pirate crew who had left him fifty years ago, sailing through the Grand Line and promising to come back. Crocus, an old pirate doctor and the whale's lifelong caretaker, was inside to prevent Laboon from killing himself out of despair.
"So, you paint the sky?" Luffy asked, mesmerized.
"Yes," Crocus confirmed, then pointed to a large, wooden hatch set into the curved wall of the stomach-dome. "That is the exit. You sailed in through the esophagus, but you leave through the back door."
Crocus explained the mechanics of the exit door, and as the turbulence began to calm, the crew quickly positioned the Merry. With a coordinated push, the old man and the pirates opened the heavy wooden hatch.
They sailed out, passing back through the shadowy internal structures of the whale. They emerged onto the exterior of the massive whale's body, right at the base of the Reverse Mountain.
Crocus joined them on the deck, walking to the bow. He gestured to the vast, massive, scarred blue surface of Laboon.
"He's been smashing his head against the Red Line for his friends," Crocus said, his serious expression finally laced with a hint of sorrow.
As Crocus was finishing his explanation, two tiny figures, looking like brightly colored fleas on the whale's back, were rapidly approaching the massive, scarred dome of Laboon's head.
One, a tall man in a bizarre green suit, was armed with a massive iron bat (Mr. 9). The other, a petite woman in a blue dress with white stripes and blue hair, was armed with sharp, flower-like harpoons.
The two figures leaped, launching rockets toward Laboon's sensitive head wounds.
"Oh, for heaven's sake," Ben muttered, thoroughly annoyed at the constant interruptions to the narrative flow.
He raised his Elder Wand. He didn't need to stop them; he just needed to neutralize them.
"STICKING CHARM!"
A simple, invisible burst of magic shot out. Mr. 9's black shoes suddenly became super-glued to Laboon's head. Miss Wednesday's feet were likewise fused to the whale's rough skin.
They were stuck fast. Mr. 9 struggled. Miss Wednesday, horrified, realized she couldn't move.
"What is this?!" Mr. 9 shrieked, pulling at his foot. "My suit! It's ruined!"
"It appears," Ben said dryly, leaning on the railing, "that they have been afflicted with a simple, non-lethal, but exceptionally annoying Adhesive Hex."
Crocus looked at the two struggling figures, then at Ben, a faint, tiny sliver of amusement finally cracking his serious facade. "A handy trick, Doctor," he allowed.
"They are agents of Baroque Works," Ben explained.
Zoro, Sanji, and Luffy all turned, ready to fight the strange, stuck figures. The Grand Line had already delivered its first absurdity, courtesy of a grumpy old doctor, a magical ship, and an enormous, depressed whale.
"Right then," Luffy said, punching his fist into his palm. "Let's go, guys! First fight on the Grand Line!"