Lin Wan put down her wine glass and propped her feet up on the coffee table, lounging on the sofa in a half-awake, half-asleep state. Beside her lay an open box containing two rings side by side. The sound of a piano piece filled the room, a song by a Korean composer. Its original title was "My Soul," translated as "Sadness or Joy." It felt like a question — the main melody carried a light sadness, while the secondary melody had a lively rhythm, but all she could hear was the sadness.
It was Sunday. In the morning, she visited Wang Xiao, sitting by his gravestone for more than two hours, speaking only one sentence: "Do you think the outfit I'm wearing looks good? It's your favorite royal blue."
She missed him desperately, to the point of madness. She wanted to pour out all her grievances to him, but when she saw his smiling black-and-white photo, she felt a hopeless emptiness and couldn't find the words. There was so much to say, so many taboos. Everything happening with another person was something she could never speak of. She often asked herself if this was a kind of betrayal. Sometimes, she thought sadly that the ones who left were at least able to go cleanly, while the ones left behind had to struggle in this filthy world, eventually becoming just as corrupt as the rest. Life was full of helplessness. What was the meaning of living?
At noon, she went to the Wang family's home and had lunch with Wang's parents. They were doing a little better, at least not crying every time they mentioned their son. People with more life experience were indeed stronger. Since they couldn't follow him, all they could do was try to live a bit better, so those watching from above might be comforted. She understood this logic, but she couldn't do it.
After lunch, Wang's mother took her hand and said, "Wanwan, find a good man, look at you, you've lost so much weight, this can't go on, you're still so young…"
Then she went to Wang Xiao's room, staring at his photo, feeling weak. The best man in the world was already gone, and she couldn't see any other good man. Moreover, she was entangled with a bad man and had no idea when it would end.
She didn't stay at Wang's for long, as it was too suffocating. On the one hand, she had to control her emotions and not be too sentimental. On the other, she often thought of Chen Jin's words: "What would they think if they knew we slept together?" That sentence had become a shadow in her heart, and their relationship was like a ticking time bomb, ready to shatter the facade of peace she desperately tried to maintain.
Listening to the music on repeat, she once again thought about Chen Jin, the man who was so far yet so close, always engaging in the most intimate contact with her. She had wondered if she gave in, would he tire of her and let her go? But more often, she chose to resist — to resist at all costs, even if it left her bruised and battered. But at least, in the pain, she would find a moment of peace deep inside. She never stopped hoping to break free from his grip, yet sometimes, she found herself wanting to torment each other until the end. Occasionally, she feared that in this twisted life, she might lose herself.
Li Jin was right, she was really torn.
The sound of the phone ringing interrupted Lin Wan's drifting thoughts. She picked it up and saw the name she had been resenting — Chen Jin. Hesitating for a few seconds, she turned off the music and answered the call. His voice was stern: "Where are you? Didn't I tell you to wait at home?"
Oh, Lin Wan suddenly remembered that this morning Chen Jin had said he had something tonight and asked her to wait, but she was used to letting his words go in one ear and out the other, so she had completely forgotten.
"I'm out, I'll head back now."
"Don't bother coming back. I'll have Lao Li pick you up."
"No need," she heard his heavy breathing on the other side, so she reluctantly gave him the address.
After hanging up, Lin Wan rushed to the bathroom, brushed her teeth, then grabbed a tub of ice cream from the fridge and quickly devoured it. By the time she went downstairs, the driver had arrived. It was a silent ride, and when the car stopped, she found herself outside the city's largest entertainment complex. Looking at the palace-like golden decoration, she couldn't help but sneer. She wondered what role she would play today.
Upstairs in the VIP room, as soon as she entered, she heard a garbled "I'm a wolf from the north, walking in the endless wilderness..." She turned to see Fang Zheng belting out a song in front of the giant screen, with a scantily clad young girl in his arms. When he saw her walk in, he waved enthusiastically at her.
The room was huge, the lighting dim. There were about twenty people, most of them unfamiliar faces she had seen at the previous dinner. She immediately spotted Chen Jin, chatting with a man. He really stood out. She took a deep breath and walked over. Chen Jin glanced at her, then continued his conversation with the man, but without hesitation, he pulled her into a seat next to him and tightly embraced her.
Lin Wan shifted uncomfortably, drawing the attention of the man next to them. She recognized him; he was the one from the last time Chen Jin introduced her. It was clear that he and Chen Jin had a very close relationship among this group.
"Lin Wan, nice to meet you. I'm Xiang Yang, A Jin's best buddy," the man said cheerfully, extending his hand.
Lin Wan half-heartedly shook his hand, listening to the two of them bantering.
"What's with the first and second? You're the first lady, huh?"
"Hey, I don't want the title of first lady, but this buddy definitely has a ranking, like that guy over there, wailing and howling, he's the second," Xiang Yang said, waving at Fang Zheng. The man, not understanding, happily responded, and Xiang Yang proudly turned to them and said, "See, I wasn't wrong. He's the second."
Lin Wan casually picked up a can of beer from the coffee table. Before she could open it, Chen Jin snatched it away. "You're drinking this," he said, handing her a glass of juice. Lin Wan glanced at it, orange juice? Did he think she was underage? He was being quite controlling.
As she drank the orange juice, she endured Fang Zheng's loud singing. Now they were singing a heartfelt duet, "In the Wind and Rain of Longing," ruining a classic. The little beauty was performing with flair, exchanging flirtatious glances with her partner. Lin Wan couldn't help but think of the phrase "playing the game," indeed, "life is a stage, and it takes acting skills."
Looking around, she saw that everyone was putting on an act. The well-dressed men from earlier were now holding women in their arms, with some going as far as engaging in inappropriate behavior, and she could occasionally hear low murmurs of flirtation and giggles.
Then she glanced at the man next to her and thought, "See? This is their world. The animal kingdom." Almost to confirm her conclusion, his hand started to act inappropriately. Without caring for the others nearby, he boldly slid his hand under her clothing and squeezed her waist. Her stomach churned, and she almost splashed the orange juice in his face, but she held back and put the cup down, grabbing his hand and saying, "I'm going to wash my hands." She stood up.
Chen Jin didn't react much, just casually pointed toward the washroom in the VIP room and continued his conversation with Xiang Yang. Lin Wan walked over, and seeing the door wasn't locked, she was about to open it when she heard voices inside. It sounded like an excited woman was arguing on the phone. Not wanting to intrude, she quickly turned and walked out of the room.
The public restroom was large and opulent, with a floor so shiny it could reflect people's faces. Lin Wan applied some hand soap and washed her hands under the flowing water. When she looked up, she saw her face in the mirror, and for a moment, she didn't recognize it. The lighting was much brighter than in the VIP room, and the fuzz on her face was clearly visible. She raised her hand to touch her cheek. Although she looked in the mirror every day, she hadn't really paid attention to her face in a long time. She had changed so much that she couldn't recognize herself anymore. Trying to force a smile, she found it harder than crying.