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"I can't believe you," Sasuke hissed, disgust coloring his words. He valiantly resisted the urge to throttle his teammate. "I left you for two hours- two hours, and when I come back you're calling that woman 'Grandma' and have agreed to learn an S class jutsu in a week. I don't know if I think that you'll fail by blowing yourself up or that she will snap and kill you, but either way you're dead meat."
Naruto sniggered. "Wanna know something?" He ignored his teammate's eye-roll. "The technique she bet I couldn't learn… it's the one the old man started me on. I have a week head start on it." He grinned mischievously. "She's going to have to come back with us and admit that I was right about being Hokage." Sasuke looked spectacularly unimpressed.
"All I've seen you do is make a mess with water balloons," he said shortly. He smirked at his now-fuming teammate. He set down his chopsticks, more interested in baiting his teammate than choking down whatever the hell he'd been served. "The jutsu he's teaching me is much better." That arch tone always pissed his teammate off, even if he wasn't actually sure he believed his lightning technique was better than the Rasengan. 'Lightning is a better element than wind anyway.'
The blonde shoved his teammate, cheeks flushed red with anger. "Nuh-uh! Wind is way better than some stupid lightning bolt."
"You don't have to pretend you're not jealous. I know I'd be depressed if our places were switched." The brunette was back in his element, taunting Naruto. The blonde really needed to work on how easily he was provoked. He was helping the idiot. Really.
"Me too," Naruto snapped back. "Your hair is stupid!"
"Are they always like this?" Shizune sighed, chin propped up in her palm, half-heartedly watching the back-and-forth interaction. Jiraiya shrugged distractedly, one hand inching towards her rear end.
'Just… a little closer'.
Jiraiya yelped in sudden pain, falling off his stool at the bar where they had stopped for lunch. Shizune gasped, big dark eyes communicating disappointment with her mentor. "Tsunade-sama!" She really needed to reign in her impulsive violence. It was frightening the civilians, for one thing.
She stopped and wondered if scaring them just a little might get them some real food.
"Oh, lighten up." The older blonde scanned the menu, giving a lopsided smirk to the short blonde when he noticed her and scowled. The boy pushed away his empty dish and stalked off, leaving his fellow genin sitting awkwardly by himself. 'What an idiot. There's no way he'll master Minato's technique. Then I can be free and clear, and it won't even look like my fault. Shouldn't have made a bet with me, brat.' Tsunade accepted a glass of ice water and took a sip. "Where's the idiot going?"
Her old teammate gave the boy's back a distracted glance. "Who, the brat? He's doing his training outside of town. Hey, shortstuff," he barked. The Uchiha who had been staring into his soup as though it held all the answers to the universe bristled like an offended cat. "Go work with your teammate. Make sure he doesn't get carried away by wolves or something."
The other boy gave him a positively scathing look and stalked off with a prissy little hip movement. Tsunade didn't hide her snicker.
"Are you really worried about Naruto-kun?" Shizune asked, poking at her food with her chopsticks. She had thought she was used to cheap roadside food stands, but the place Jiraiya had led them to was in a league of its own. The older man shook his head, sending his ridiculous hair flying.
"Nah, he'll be fine. I just can't eat with that little stormcloud hanging around." He made a face. "I'd forgotten what a bummer Uchiha are."
Shizune sighed, pushing her food away mostly uneaten. 'I didn't think the kid was so bad. At least he has the excuse of acting his age when he picks a fight.' She eyed her two companions, who were already on the verge of coming to blows again.
~~~
The hospital room was cold, clinical, and smelled far too strongly of the bouquet that blonde Ino girl had dropped off, arranging blossoms into apparent perfection in between trading insults. Karin had no idea what the hell a 'hibiscus' was, but it sounded like fighting words to her. "This sucks." Karin gave in to her urge and threw her book across the room, letting it collide with the wall. It flopped over accusingly.
"I can't take it anymore!" she outright yelled. "That's it." She clenched a fist. "If you're too stupid to wake up when you should, I'm going to go home where I'm comfortable!"
That wasn't entirely true. With both of her cousins unavailable, she felt a little out of place. The Hokage had welcomed her, but he was dying. Karin's position in the village was precarious—whoever ended up in charge might not be so lenient and right now she was totally without friendly support. Maybe it was time to seek out some of the people her cousin had introduced her to, like the weird couple in the green spandex. Karin had seen enough to know that politically inconvenient people could disappear without a trace. If no one was looking out for her, she might be better off out of the village if nothing changed soon. She felt a shiver up her spine, but she ignored the fear. Her cousin was going to wake up soon.
"Karin-san," one of the attending nurses sighed, poking his head into the room. "What have we told you about volume in the hospital?"
Karin gave him a disparaging look. "She's in a coma," she said flatly. "So is her sensei in the room to the left, and the room to the right is empty."
"Yes, but I'd have to be in a coma not to hear you from the station," he mumbled sotto voice. When she frowned, he hastily added, "Please control your volume. I'm afraid you've been disturbing other patients."
"I was leaving anyway." She pretended not to see his relief, packing up, grudgingly taking even that stupid book she was starting to hate. The introductory section on poisons in her apprenticeship was boring her to tears. What was the point of memorizing the parts of hundreds of plants and their effects? She'd just have the injured party bite her. That'd solve the problem, right? When Karin had suggested that to Mito-sensei, the older woman had actually gotten a bit upset and sent her to work reading case studies. Apparently she shouldn't be letting strange people get their bodily fluids in her blood, especially if they were poisoned. Who knew, right?
"Oh! I am sorry!"
"Don't worry about it," Karin waived off the girl who had been outside the room when she opened the door. Then red eyes narrowed in recognition. "Hey, I know you."
The girl blushed, looking like a porcelain doll with those huge, unnatural looking eyes. "Ah, yes. Uzumaki-san, right? I was going to…" She trailed off, awkwardly holding up her bandaged arms as if to put up a barrier between the two. She cleared her throat. "I wanted to see how Aiko-san is doing," the girl finally managed to squeak.
'What is with this kid? I didn't think she was this much of a mouse when she was kicking the stuffing out of enemy genin.'
Actually, Karin had enjoyed a riot of a good time fending off the weak losers sent to retrieve samples of Konoha's bloodlines. Weeks of training under her cousin's supervision had paid off more than she'd realized. Plus, there was something really awesome about reminding herself that she wasn't just a useless little med nin. The little brunette girl had been cool too- at one point, she had knocked a boy out by kicking him in the throat, apologizing all the while. It was pretty amazing. Of course, the shrinking violet in front of her didn't have much resemblance to the girl in business mode.
Karin sighed, closing the door behind her. "She's still in a coma. We have no idea when she'll be up, although apparently some specialist is supposed to be coming here. Mito-sensei says that if this woman can't fix her, no one can." At the way the other girl fidgeted, something about her incredibly long convalescence finally made sense. "You too? Your hands must be bad if no one here can fix them. You busy?"
The girl looked up, surprised. "Ah, no. Not really."
"Alright then. You're coming home with me. I need someone to eat ice cream with and commiserate, and I bet you have as much to vent as I do." She started off down the hall. "Well?"
The little brunette hurried behind her, looking uncertain but reluctant to tell her no. "I don't think I'm supposed to leave the hospital, Uzumaki-san!"
"Pft." She waved a hand dismissively. "Why not? If Aiko wake up or if the specialist shows up, someone will get us. There's no reason to be miserable until then. I'll be sad if you don't come with," she threatened idly. This girl seemed like a bleeding heart. Her acquiescence implied that either Karin was right or that the girl had actually wanted to come with anyway. They traveled most of the way in silence, just enjoying the nice weather. The sunshine and healthy breeze were a marked change from the stuffy hospital.
They paused for a moment at the door, Karin struggling to pick out her key from inside her shorts pocket. The other girl seemed to be looking around, something strange in her expression. "You have a lovely home."
Karin took a second to examine Uzumaki Manor (Naruto's insistence) from an outsider's perspective. The garden out front was riotous, ignoring pretty much all conventions about tasteful decorating despite Ino's best efforts. It had been made with a little too much youth and orange in mind. The house itself looked fine, though. Relatively nondescript and clean. "Thank you. Uh, by the way." She glanced at her companion. "What's your name again?"
The girl smiled shyly up at her, slipping off her shoes in the entryway. "Hyuuga Hinata. Please, call me Hinata, Uzumaki-san."
Karin grinned in response, flipping on the lights and stuffing her feet into fluffy houseslippers. "Then you should call me Karin, Hinata-chan. Chocolate, strawberry, or vanilla? Naruto made something really terrible with packets of ramen seasoning if you feel adventurous."
~~~
Pain.
Pain to the point where the questions had long since become white noise. She had enough sense to be grateful for that. If she remembered what he wanted, she probably would have told him, even though she knew she had thought it was important not to tell.
Important even though it didn't make sense. He was gone, right? He didn't know what was going on in her genjutsu couldn't wouldn't know. Not the way genjutsu work.
Never even heard of such a thing. Ridiculous.
Then again, everything is ridiculous. And why would he do this if he couldn't find out? He must. Mustmustmust. Shush. Shhhhhh.
It's so light. Never gets dark, the only shadows come from the moon. Want to just sleep or die. It wouldn't make much difference at this point. Can't die in here. Everything is backwards, only black and white and redredred, killing doesn't make you die. Does living make you dead? No, that's not the parallel. Thinking is hard but I know this. Yes. Does giving life make dead? Healing.
I should ask.
Aiko coughed up blood in the illusory world (I know it's not real, not real, but just one quick question, yes) and casually asked something she didn't hear. Maybe he didn't either. "Pretty eyes," she tried, placatingly.
And then it changed.
The moon flickered, then was white. Ridiculous, the moon is made of cheese should be yellow. It painted pale light instead of dark. The ground became pockmarked with shadow instead of smothered in a thick coat. She became aware of a whimpering sound.
Itachi left in clinical light. She didn't have time to say byebye before he was replaced with the top half of a blonde woman, frowning.
The moon was gone.
Aiko frowned, not even trying to move a muscle in her hospital bed. Something was wrong. She had just been upright.
"Where did the moon go?" is that my voice? Raspy like a smoker.
"Hush," the woman snapped, doing something she couldn't see. "Get out of here, you idiots. If I want a circus I will personally come and find you clowns." She shone a light down, and Aiko yelped, moving for the first time to escape it. "Stop that. Follow the light. Are you with me? Good."
Bewildered but willing to accept this change in the situation, Aiko obediently followed orders. Orders were good. She was used to orders.
"How are you feeling? Any unusual pains?"
That was a harder question. "Unusual?"
"Oh, never mind." The woman gave a heavy sigh. "Do you remember what happened?"
"…What happened?"
"I will take that as a no." Blonde lady picked up a clipboard and wrote something on it, a tiny crease between her eyebrows. "Ask your sensei about it later, then. I don't know what the hell happened either. I'm going to go wake him up now. Any questions?"
Aiko shook her head. "You're really pretty."
Pretty lady barked a laugh. "You've got better taste than your brother." The woman left the room without another word, which stymied Aiko for a moment. She frowned—at the light outside the window, at the door that led to the hallway, and then down at her bare feet when she swung them over the edge of the bed and tottered across the cold tile to follow the older woman like an errant puppy. She was taking orders and hadn't been told stay.
Naruto and Sasuke didn't seem to understand that, though. The old man with them tried to stop her, putting an arm in front of the door the pretty lady had gone through.
"Hey now, miss. Shouldn't you be in bed?"
Well, that wasn't right. "Shouldn't you, old guy? I'm following." Then she stopped to frown, registering his face. "I remember you. With the ink the night Naruto scared the orphanage lady. Good job." She patted his head, and then ducked under his surprised arm and into the room.
Hey, sensei's here. Sensei was taking a nap, but the pretty lady was waking him up. Like Sleeping Beauty.
She stopped in the middle of the room. That wasn't quite right, was it? That would make Kakashi the princess. Aiko toddled over to investigate, wondering if her sensei's face was uncovered. Nope. Still. "I bet you're a pretty princess," she said loyally, watching as he blearily turned his one open eye to her instead of at the little light. Then she turned to investigate the sound of choking behind her. It was the old man. Aiko felt concerned. "Pretty lady? The old man sounds bad."
"That sounds about right," the blonde lady said distractedly, going through the same questions she had with Aiko. Then she jumped a little, turning to glare. "You should be in bed."
Aiko looked around the room. There was only one bed, but orders. " 'kay." She clambered beside her sensei, who looked downright alarmed. Then she went the fuck to sleep.
The next time she awoke was a good nine hours later, and she felt much more rational, despite the ache in her head. Her groan must have alerted someone, because the light flicked on and she discovered Karin's face uncomfortably close to hers.
"Ugh, haven't you ever heard of the Geneva convention?"
Karin frowned, sharing more of her morning breath when she asked "What are you talking about?"
"Nothing, nothing." She blinked blearily, drawing one hand up to wipe at her eyes and using the other to prop herself up to survey the room. It was relatively late in the evening—at least eight. She frowned. 'Definitely past visiting hourse.' She could understand Karin being here, but her sensei? It seemed just as strange that Naruto wasn't. Was he hurt?
"What's going on?" She flexed her muscles, feeling unusually weak. Aiko transitioned into a stretch, getting a feel for her body's deterioration. "How long was I out?"
Karin backed up to give her some space, stealing a glance at the other person in the room who had yet to speak. "Uh, a little over two weeks total. More recently, about nine hours since you first woke up."
Surprised, Aiko furrowed her brow. "I woke up before?"
"You were slightly more incoherent than usual," Sasuke drawled as he pushed open the door, closely followed by Naruto. "You helpfully informed us that Kakashi was a pretty princess."
"Neechan!" Naruto practically leapt onto the bed beside her, throwing his arms around her middle. "Are you okay? You won't believe what happened while you were out."
She absentmindedly patted his arm, snaking one of her own around his shoulders and squeezing reassuringly. "I'm fine."
"Don't tease, Sasuke," her teacher reprimanded lightly. Something about his posture seemed very serious. "Essentially, she went almost three weeks without sleep. I think she can be forgiven a little delirium."
"And you still haven't slept," a new voice said dryly. The figure it belonged to was ringed in light from the doorway, but easily identifiable as a woman. "Well boys, you did it. You dragged me back here and into four surgeries, three of which were brain operations. I hope you're happy." She sauntered in closer, revealing long blonde hair tied back in twin ponytails.
"Is Hinata-chan going to be alright, then?" Karin asked curiously, surprisingly Aiko. 'I didn't even know she knew Hinata.'
The reply was a withering glare. "Of course she is. Physical therapy is going to be a pain, but she seems to think it's a fair trade for the use of her hands."
Something connected in Aiko's brain, and she hastily sat the rest of the way up. "Tsunade-sama?"
"Yepp." Tsunade smirked at her, an expression that was all feline grace and trouble personified. "Although the last time we spoke, you called me 'Pretty Lady.' "
Instead of blushing, Aiko faked confusion, turning to Sasuke. "I thought you said I wasn't making sense when I first woke up, Sasuke-kun?"
"Don't flatter." The woman lightly hit her upside the back of the head, then took the opportunity to run a scan with fingers that glowed green. The reprimand didn't sting, light as it was. "You seem much better now. How do you feel?"
"Perfectly fine, but with a bit of a headache," she said honestly.
"Mmm." The light flickered into something a shade lighter. "This better?"
Aiko sighed contentedly. "Yes, thank you."
"Good." Then she hit her upside the back of the head, with some force this time. "That was for trying to fight an S-class criminal within village borders. Idiot. That's the most sickeningly Uzumaki thing I've ever heard of. We have plenty of Jounin and ANBU." She ignored the grumbling from Naruto and Karin's confused "Eh?" at the slur against their last name. "As your new Hokage, you are now forbidden to do anything so stupid. Clear?"
"Clear as crystal," she mumbled, feeling a little wronged. She hadn't had much of a choice.
"As for the rest of you morons… Naruto, Jiraiya was right. It's unsafe for you to be in the village. You're going to be leaving with him tomorrow, so say your goodbyes."
He stood up so abruptly that the bed moved back with a screech against the floor. "What? That's unfair!"
She grabbed him by the front of the jacket and practically snarled into his face. "Fair doesn't factor into it. Those men were looking for you, idiot! You want to lead them to your friends?" With that thoroughly unfair emotional manipulation out of the way, she added, "Besides, I'm your Hokage. Don't question my orders."
"Not Hokage yet," he mumbled a little bitterly, jerking out of her grip.
Tsunade turned her attention to her next victim. Sensing that this situation wasn't going to get any prettier, Karin gave a hasty wave, mumbled something about Hinata, and started edging towards the door. "And you, brat. What the hell were you doing, running off into ANBU the moment something went wrong? You had three students left. Clearly you aren't in your right mind. I'm putting you on light duty- no ANBU, no genin team, and no missions over B-class until you straighten out your head." Her tone changed to something more sympathetic. "You'll be meeting with Shizune to sort out the genjutsu aftereffects twice next week. If you try to skip, I'll assume you're trying to say that you don't think they're necessary for your little apprentice either."
Aiko cringed. 'Low blows,' she thought miserably while Tsunade tore her teacher apart.
"Hold on," Sasuke interrupted, looking pissed. "If Naruto is leaving with the old pervert and Kakashi can't teach genin, what am I supposed to do?"
Tsunade rolled her eyes. "That's not my problem right now. I'll figure it out. Surely there's some genin team out there who can take an extra."
"That's not good enough!" he snapped. He gave her his highest level bitch-face, the one that actually made Chuunin uncomfortable back in the Academy. Aiko had always suspected it reminded people of his father. "Weird or not, Kakashi's one of the best Jounin in the village. I won't be dumped on some idiot when I need to get stronger. You teach me."
"Like you could keep up with me," she scoffed, turning away and making for the door.
"Coward. Do you always avoid responsibility?"
Tsunade slowwwwly turned around, a shit-your-pants-terrifying smile on her face. "Fine. You can try my training for a week." She left. Sasuke smirked, and then seemed to realize what had happened. She could practically see the moment he wondered if he really had won or not. In the silence that followed, Aiko moved to squeeze her sensei's hand.
"You should get to bed. Training in the morning, sensei?" She gave him a hug around the waist. Mechanically, he fluffed her hair, already messy and floofed up in the back with bedhead.
"Well, that was pleasant." He backed away from his students and uncomfortably put his hands in his pocket. "I suppose this is goodbye for a while, Naruto."
"Yeah." The blonde hung his head and swallowed hard. When he looked up again, his expression was steel. "I'll get strong enough that it won't matter if those jackasses come around again."
"I believe it," their teacher said quietly, fondly. He didn't quite manage to look at any of them. "Well, look at the time! I should take my cat for a walk." None of them was really surprised by the shunshin that followed.
~~~
"Turns out she may have earned that title," Sasuke groaned, lethargically picking at his vegetables from the hot pot.
Aiko tried her best not to snicker, pulling out another piece of meat with her chopsticks. At her side, Karin actually managed a sympathetic look. "Medical stuff is way harder than it looks," she commiserated, looking irritatingly pristine next to her filthy and battered dining partners. They exchanged dirty looks. Karin obliviously tapped her fingers on the tabletop.
"I haven't learned a single jutsu," Sasuke said flatly, staring at the table as if he hoped it would leap up and kill him. "She beats me around for about an hour, gives me a list of exercises and then hits me with a book to read before the end of the day. Then she saunters away to drink. (Tsunade was enjoying her last days of freedom before the hat was officially hers.) The best part is that she occasionally sends a minion to attack me while I study."
'He really should have expected she would make his life hell,' Aiko thought fondly. She was cranky like that. Of course, she had been ridiculously full of herself since she had re-entered Konoha… but not without reason.
Tsunade had reason to be smug. She had managed to bring the third Hokage out of his coma the day before she had tried to help Hinata, Kakashi and Aiko. He was infirm and would likely never be able to so much as take the stairs at a decent clip again, but it was a small price to pay for his life. Granted, he was elderly and probably didn't have that much time left anyway, but better to die on his own terms than due to a former student's treachery. Once he caught up on the situation, he was actually happy enough to cry, Naruto had related solemnly. And why not? His village was saved, two of his wayward students had returned (if only for a while in Jiraiya's case), and he finally had a successor he could trust the village to. It was almost an unnecessary bonus that the near-death shock had thawed the worst of the hostilities between him and his only living family.