Hey there, Dino! This will be my shadow symphony I am writing for you. It's more or less an overthinker's way to get a message across if the worst were to happen. "Worst," huh? I hope it does not happen... but since I have a lot of issues and I don't love myself much, I figured that even a sweet Dino may leave me possibly at some time. Which, of course, I will not believe in, but it's best that I at least talk about the shadows too. Being caught without a light does often assure a sure shadow next to you, doesn't it?
If you were to leave me, I will feel a big empty void deep within me. I will feel the need to die, and the suicide strings laced with "him's" will return. The need to end my life.
I would be shocked, betrayed. I would be angry and sad, and I would hate you. I would despise your very existence and what you are if you were to leave me, lose feelings, or cheat/betray me. I would wish you the absolute worst.
Now, some people will be sad and let you go, but I wouldn't. I would be angry. Because when you love someone so much and they won't do the same, that is the most disgusting and filthy thing they could do.
To know that your heart has been deceiving me, or to know it has been twisted and turned and pulled by something else, would be so devastating. I would curse the very fabric of your muscles so that each time you move them, poison would enter your body and make you feel the highest of pains.
My anger would definitely be high, but my sadness will be even higher.
If the worst were to happen (God forbid), I will cry lacrimi like a lacrymosa—tears falling down, hopes and a soft heart being crumbled away. My every day I will reminisce of the past and feel sadness since I won't have a future with you.
To me, you mean everything, and without you, I am nothing.
My sweet, sweet boy, don't leave me. Please don't ever do so, because I do not just love you; I see you as love itself.
Sometimes I feel like I am not enough for you, that maybe I will get thrown away or replaced. It isn't because I myself don't trust you; it is because I do not trust life itself. I saw how life is. I know how miserable, hard, and lonely it is. I know it can affect the perception of morality, how society may shape you. I know it.
What I know a lot is that I love you, my beautiful Diego. I love you so much. I want to make sure you are happy and that I will grant you everything I ever could. I want to make you the happiest man, the happiest, most smiling husband. I want to love you, nurture you, grow with you. I want to see you when you get home.
To call me darling, to wash your feet, and to have prepared dinner before you arrive home. I want to dress and undress you. To wash your cute body everyday. I want to clean the home we will have someday, do groceries, and maybe give you head while you eat. I want to take care of your every need.
As a watery vampire that doesn't see the light, it is hard to sometimes imagine that I do have you, that I have you. So my mind wanders to the thought of being hurt because that's what I also have been tasting my whole life: hurt, and hurt, and hurt.
If problems were to arise in our relationship, it may be hard to deal with them, and sure we might be a bit sad and angry and a bit cold, but after a speck of time, we could sit down and talk. That's how I want it to be: to solve problems if we ever have them and to stick together.
To me, you mean more than the clouds in the sky, the painted starry night, the lovely love that lovely loves me lovingly. It better not go away, my love.
The reason I am expressing myself about this is because I fear losing you. I fear losing myself, the other part of my split soul. I will miss it dearly. I will feel defect and useless, worthless and alone in the abyss.
If I lose you, I lose the cores that built the universe, and if I lose the cores that built the universe, I lose everything.
I know I am a not-so-nice looking, not-so-conventional, not-so-mentally healthy, not-so-properly able, not-so-proper in the sense outside of my control person, but my love is just and fair. My love is so much more than you could ever imagine.
So don't leave me. I'll be sad.
I love you. So much. I love you. I love you. I love you....
Mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah.
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU