Hilde got me a pet cardinal. A male one. Bright red.
It's in a steel cage by the window.
I find myself fixated on him, standing just beside his cage leaning out the window. He chirps a few times, hopping around his enclosure and the plants I placed within it. A few branches and twigs, a couple small houseplants, even a little birdhouse I found in the courtyard. Hilde said I could take it, so I did. At least he'll have some shelter and privacy.
The gifts she got me arrived earlier this morning. Extra fluffy blankets, many more pillows, dozens of textbooks about animals, plenty of stationery, an easel to write or draw on, a few diagrams of animal anatomy and charts for astronomy, even a telescope. My cell is now much more of a room for me. It's cozy. I like it a lot more than beforehand.
"What do you think?" she asks with a smile, doing a little twirl as she gestures around. "Much better, right?"
"Much better," I murmur, still gazing at the cardinal. "Hm. He needs a name."
"Why not Crimson?" she snickers as she joins me by the window. "Or Scarlet."
"Or Vermillion. No, too many syllables. I like Scarlet. Crimson and Scarlet. That's nice, isn't it?" I lean against her, both arms around her waist and my face against her shoulder. She smells like lilac and honey today. "Mm. You smell good."
"I've been convinced to give fragrance oils a try." She pets my head between my horns. "Aww. Hi. You're so clingy, sweet cherry."
I stay quiet for a moment, relishing in the way Hilde scratches my head and plays with my hair. These past few days have been hard. They've been lonely too. I miss Umbra more and more every day. I miss her affections. I miss her care. I miss her nearness.
I miss her pressure. Her hands. Her tongue.
Hells. I want her. Badly. But she isn't here.
Hilde is here. And these gifts… They do make me happy.
They make me want more affection. More love.
I'm damn near certain Hilde would lay with me if I asked her to. But… No. I shouldn't. I belong to Umbra. But Umbra let me go. I don't know what terms we parted on. There wasn't exactly time to discuss it. Is this a break? Or did we break up? Were we ever together to begin with? Am I promised to her? Does she expect me to save myself for her? Would it hurt her feelings if I didn't? Or did she send me away knowing I might end up drawing closer to my self-prescribed savior?
"What's wrong, red?" Hilde soothes, streaming my white hair through her fingers. "You look so sad."
"Mmm… Am I that obvious?"
"No, but I know what to look for. You tend to hide your face when you're sad. Half of it is pressed to my shoulder. Just one slitted red eye peeking out at me through your hair. And what a pretty little eye it is."
I press my entire face to her shoulder. "Stop…"
"Aw. Now you're embarrassed. Look, the points of your ears are turning a little pink. So cute. And your tail is curling at the end, just like a kitty cat. Hells, you're adorable."
My heart tugs. My stomach twists. My chest aches.
I'm nervous. But I ask, "Do you mean that, Hilde?"
"Of course I do. You're just so fucking endearing."
"You think… You still think I'm cute?"
"The cutest there is. As if I ever stopped thinking so."
"Do you regret… Um. The way things ended?"
"With all my fucking heart, yes. I regret it. Every day. It's one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made. I should've never let you go like that. Hells, I wish I hadn't."
Those words. How desperately I've been craving them for years. Why? Why is this happening now? I found someone else. So why is it that as soon as that happened, this started happening too? I think it's because I was uncontested up until now. Though we were 'just friends', Hilde still had me to herself all this time.
Along came Umbra, and…
Here I am.
Where is here?
Where am I?
Where am I going?
What am I doing?
What do I want?
How the Hells am I supposed to know?
Too afraid to look her in the eyes, I murmur one simple question that I can never take back. A question that changes everything.
"Do you… want me, blue?"
Hilde slides her arms around my waist and gazes down at me. In a low, warm tone, she croons, "Yes. I want you. I want your heart. I want your affection. I want your love. And…" She brushes my hair behind my reddening ears. "Yes. I want your body, cherry girl…"
I turn my head, looking elsewhere. If she takes initiative, it'd be more like I'm letting her have me, rather than giving myself to her. That wouldn't be as bad, would it? Fuck, I don't know. I don't know what to do.
Hilde kisses my forehead, then next to my eye, then my cheek. Keeping her face close, she mumbles in my ear, "Do you want me, red?"
I swallow the lump in my throat. "U–Um. You can…"
"Hm? I can? That isn't a yes or a no, Crimz."
Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't.
Fuck. I'm desperate. I hate being alone.
"I want you…"
"May I have you?"
"Mhm…"
She kisses me. Fiercely. Intensely.
Her forked tongue flits at my lips so I open my mouth for her to taste around inside, and her claws gently drag up my thighs before her fingers slip under my robe's skirt and keep feeling higher. She kisses, nibbles, exhales on my ear just the way I like it, whispering quiet affections, compliments, and praises. My heart sharply tugs me closer to her as she unties my robe and slides her hands up my hips, waist, and sides, kissing me even more. With just a brush of her wrists, my robe falls right off me and I'm left standing bare before her.
It's undeniable. She wants me. It… Fuck, it feels good.
"I know we just did this somewhat recently," she mutters with her slitted blue eyes locked onto my middle, drinking in the sight of me. "That felt like I was doing you a favor. This… This is very different. Look at you. Hells, Crimson… You're fucking breathtaking…"
Again, my heart pulls. So hard that I fear it might break out of my ribcage. I want her. I've wanted her for so fucking long and this is the first step towards getting her back. It's finally happening. I have another chance. I won't fuck things up again by whining about some mean remarks from her friends. I'll never say a damn word about it. That way, she'll never be mad at me for it, so she won't throw me away again.
I have to do better. Be better. For her.
Whining and complaining only fucks things up.
This time, I will do things the right way.
No matter how much I'm hurting, I will never mention it again.
She pushes me into bed and I fall atop my new fluffy blankets, with her body spreading over mine as she pins me down by the wrists above my head. Oh. She knows. Hells. She knows exactly how I like this. She knows my every quirk and desire. Hilde knows how to love me. Perfectly.
But she stops before we get anywhere.
Straddling my hips, she sits up and taps a claw on the center of my chest. "You didn't have that last time. What is it? What happened?"
I'm confused what she's referring to until I see it.
The thick blood red scar over my heart.
Seeing it feels like being slapped awake.
"U–Um. That… Well, that's… It's a scar."
"Yes, I see that. How did you get it?"
"I… It was… From… training?"
"Red, drag it," she sighs, hands next to my head as she looms over me. "Did they do this to you? Those fucking demons in the Hells? Did they torture you?"
"No. N–No. It was–Hilz, it was just an accident–"
"If they hurt you like this, Crimson, I will lead the invasion myself."
My blood runs cold. "What? Inv… Invasion?"
"Did nobody–Ah, that's right. You've been here. It's kind of isolated. Yes, there are plans being drafted to take this infernal war straight to the source and cut off the snake's head. If those fucking monsters did this to you, Crimson, I swear to the fucking Goddess I will personally annihilate them when we attack the Hells."
"What?" I ask, but my voice barely comes out as anything more than a whimper. "Wh–What? No… No, don't–don't do that! Why would you do that?"
"Isn't it obvious? The Fell has been escalating. It's time to end this before it gets worse. Better yet, before they invade us first. But don't worry. Once that fucking snake's head is on a pike, all of her Wretched slaves will immediately be freed from her curse. Can you imagine, Crimz? Tens of thousands of draconids will be liberated from enslavement. From there, it's only a process of rehabilitation. Just like you're doing right now. Crimz? Hello? Why do you look so terrified? This is a good thing."
I wriggle my way out from under her and sprint to dive out of the window. The clouds rush past and the skyland shrinks above me, but I still can't change forms. Hells, I don't care right now. I'll use my wings as they are now to get me down to the Barrows as fast as possible, then warn Umbra about this.
If I can outrun the airway patrollers.
Their trademark piercing cry whistles from behind me. I pull my wings as hard as I can over and over. I'm nowhere close. I haven't even cleared the Heavens. I assumed they would put a reprobate like me at the bottom, but the rehabilitation facility is at the very top. Far too close to the sun for anyone to escape the Goddess's eye.
Or her clutches.
The patrollers catch up in seconds.
I'm suspended in place by stasis magic.
They caught me. I'm fucked. Damn it.
It took this much to see clearly that I cannot escape.
I am imprisoned here and there is no way out.
I'm always so fucking powerless. It's pathetic.
I shrink up small and let them take me away.
It's so much easier to give up than to fight.