Noa seemed to be taking a while.
Saya, sitting on the bed, didn't understand why she kept talking. Telling this girl more and more.
Even though she reminded her of her youth, Saya never opened up like this to anyone, not in a long time. Maybe she was a little drunk.
Before she could stop herself, she started telling her story.
---
During her youth, Saya was very smart. The best in her class. She was focused on her studies. Love, a partner, sex. None of it mattered to her. With the constant support and pressure from her family, she focused only on academics.
Always first, unattainable, beautiful. The goddess in the hearts of classmates and acquaintances.
She never doubted, never took an interest in others. Maybe deep down she didn't consider herself human. She was a machine, raised to meet her family's expectations.
Until she met him. Someone who managed to surpass her.
He was a young man, neither the most handsome, nor the ugliest. He was ordinary. But smart, very smart.
Saya first hated him; he had ruined her image. She was no longer perfect. But little by little, he managed to break the barrier around her. With that, the emotions she had held back came to the surface.
To feel love, to be a couple, sex. With him, she experienced everything for the first time. But she wanted more. The repression from her family affected her greatly. A rebellious desire began to form in her heart.
Her family decided on something, she would do the opposite. Did they want her to study economics? She applied to study arts. When she finished school, she moved in with her boyfriend. She had new friends, a new environment. Her boyfriend supported her. But he also advised:
"They're not the best people to befriend. There are bad rumors, be careful."
Saya felt his attitude reminded her of her family.
So she stopped listening to him.
There was a party at the faculty. Her boyfriend told her not to go. He had found out it wasn't a normal party. Saya didn't listen. She was tired of being told what to do. He tried to talk to her, to make her understand. Saya turned a deaf ear.
Her new friends advised her that she had to empower herself. To be free, why listen to a toxic boyfriend?
Saya thought they were right. Why was her boyfriend limiting her freedom?
Encouraged by them, she went to the party.
She woke up naked, surrounded by strangers and acquaintances. Saya felt confused, only remembering drinking. She felt sick. She looked for her clothes, got dressed, and left.
Many say that infidelity or casual sex can be a "mistake" or an "accident," but that's not true. You don't have sex by accident; you don't trip and fall onto a dick. You make decisions, good or bad. It's all based on decisions. The current Saya understood that. But the young Saya didn't. And she had to learn the hard way.
---
Saya returned to her apartment. Her boyfriend was waiting for her in the living room.
She felt sick. Seeing him, she felt guilty. She expected him to yell at her, to insult her. But he just remained silent. He watched her for a long time. And finally, he got up and left.
Saya felt horrible. She didn't know what to do. So she disguised her discomfort with anger. She tried to turn it around, to blame him so she wouldn't feel anything.
"It was his fault, for not going with me."
She tried to downplay the problem.
"It's normal, many of my friends have done it."
And finally, she rationalized.
"It's no big deal, just experience, this way I'll get better as a partner. He'll even feel better when we have sex."
Sadly, her boyfriend didn't think the same. For him, it was a hard blow.
As the days passed, Saya started to notice the change. He no longer treated her the same. This scared and angered her. Her friends recommended making him jealous. So she started getting closer to a senpai from the faculty. This only made him colder.
Angry, she agreed to go out for a drink with that senpai. He got her drunk and raped her.
Saya felt worse than before. But she didn't want to feel guilty. She didn't want to admit she was wrong to trust that senpai, nor that her friends were a bad influence on her. And she would never admit that she made the wrong decisions.
So she blamed her boyfriend. It was his fault this happened to her. If he hadn't acted that way, she never would have gone out with that senpai, never would have had that done to her.
Furious, she confronted him, yelling at him about what had happened. He hugged her, comforting her. Saya pushed him away. Yelling at him. He just hugged her again.
Shortly after, she found out that that senpai had been brutally beaten. Both of his legs were broken. And it seemed he would never walk again.
After that, the relationship seemed to have improved. Saya felt more secure. And her friends invited her to another party again. This time she hesitated. But her boyfriend still wouldn't touch her. Not since the first party.
She felt annoyed, so she wanted to de-stress. Once again, she woke up naked in the middle of strangers.
Every time this happened, she felt guilty.
She returned to her apartment. Her boyfriend was still waiting for her. Just watching her.
This annoyed her more. She wanted him to react, to say something. Angrily, she yelled at him again.
This time, he didn't hug her to calm her down.
"I just wanted you to apologize. That's all. If you didn't want to be with me anymore, you just had to say so."
He said with a sad voice and a disappointed look. Just like that, he left.
---
Mana listened attentively. Saya continued.
"I thought it was no big deal. My friends changed boyfriends every month. I dedicated myself to parties, sex. But once I woke up, nothing was left, just a feeling of emptiness. I sank into alcohol, more sex, drugs. I wanted to feel something. But no, there was nothing. I started charging for sex, that way at least I'd get something out of the experience. Over time, I became the unattainable goddess again, I decide who I sleep with and who I don't. But the only man I really want to do it with will never touch me again. I made him that way."