Kirito Kirigaya rubbed his temples. He felt a familiar headache coming on—the specific kind of migraine you only get when trying to organize twenty people who main "Solo DPS" in an MMO.
"Okay, listen up!" Kirito shouted, standing on an overturned vending machine. He projected a holographic map of Vector Prime. "The system calls this Zone 1: The Fractured Glade. Pux says the first Reality Anchor is located in the central dungeon."
"Dungeon?" Asta's eyes lit up. "LIKE A DUNGEON?!"
"Yes. But we can't just charge in," Kirito warned, glancing at Goku (who was stretching) and Luffy (who was trying to eat a piece of the holographic map). "We need roles. Tanks front, Support middle, DPS flanks. Stealth classes scout ahead."
Silence.
Then, everyone spoke at once.
"I refuse to be commanded," Anos stated, sipping his tea. "I am the vanguard, the rearguard, and the army. I'll walk where I please."
"I don't do stealth," Vegeta scoffed. "I blow up the hiding spots."
"I want to go home," Kobeni wept, clutching her knife. "I have a shift at 5."
"Hey," Saitama raised his hand. "Is this dungeon gonna take long? I'm getting hungry."
Kirito sighed. He looked at Naofumi. "You. Shield Hero. You understand raid mechanics, right? Help me out here."
Naofumi looked at the chaotic mob. He looked at Aqua doing party tricks with water, darkness blushing while imagining getting hit by traps, and Mash doing pushups with Nezuko's box on his back.
"We're doomed," Naofumi said flatly. "Let them die. We'll loot their bodies."
"That's dark!" Tanjiro gasped. "We can work together! I can smell the potential for teamwork!"
"That's just the smell of sweat," Kazuma grumbled.
[SYSTEM NOTICE]
[PARTY SIZE EXCEEDS LIMIT. INITIATING SQUAD SPLIT.]
The blue window flashed in front of everyone.
[TEAM A: THE MUSCLE]
Goku, Saitama, Vegeta, Mash, Luffy, Asta.
Mission: Brute Force Entry (Front Gate).
[TEAM B: THE STRATEGISTS]
Kirito, Naofumi, Genos, Rimuru, Tanjiro, Deku (who had just crawled out of a trash can, mumbling notes).
Mission: Tactical Flank & Hostage Rescue.
[TEAM C: THE... OTHERS]
Kazuma, Aqua, Megumin, Darkness, Kobeni, Gojo Satoru.
Mission: ... Just Try Not To Die?
Kazuma stared at the screen. Then he looked at Gojo.
"Wait," Kazuma pointed. "Why is the blindfold guy with us? He looks strong! Shouldn't he be with the muscle freaks?"
Gojo grinned, leaning back against thin air. "The system probably thinks I'm too handsome for the front lines. Plus, I bought souvenirs." He held up a bag of corrupted potato chips.
"This party balancing is garbage!" Aqua kicked a rock. "I am a Goddess! I should be Team Leader of Alpha!"
"Team Alpha is leaving," Genos noted.
He was right. Team Alpha hadn't waited for the signal.
"RACE YOU!" Goku shouted.
BOOM.
Five sonic booms (and one guy casually jogging—Saitama) tore through the air. The Muscle Team vanished into the weird, glitchy forest ahead. Trees shattered in their wake.
"Well," Kirito drew his swords. "There goes the element of surprise. Team B, move out! Keep communications open!"
Naofumi grunted, raising his shield. "Stay close. If you run off, I'm not saving you."
Team B moved out with military precision. Rimuru transformed into a shadow wolf to scout. Tanjiro synced his breathing with Deku's Full Cowling footsteps.
That left Team C.
Kazuma looked at his squad.
A useless goddess.
A masochist tank.
A one-shot nuke mage.
A weeping girl with a knife.
And a guy who was currently taking a selfie with a burning car.
"Gojo-san," Kazuma asked. "Can you just teleport us to the end?"
"I could," Gojo smiled, popping a chip. "But where's the lesson in that?"
"I don't want a lesson!" Kazuma screamed. "I want safety!"
Location: The Fractured Glade (Zone 1)
Team A: The Muscle
The forest didn't make sense.
Asta ran past a pine tree that was made of rusted gears. He jumped over a river that flowed with TV static instead of water.
"THIS PLACE IS COOL!" Asta yelled, keeping pace with Luffy.
"Where's the boss meat?" Luffy drooled, steam coming off his skin. Gear Second was active just for travel speed.
"Hmph." Vegeta flew overhead. "Slow down, clowns. The enemy is clearly ahead."
They skidded to a halt in a large clearing.
Blocking the path was a massive gate. It looked like the Black Gate of Mordor had a baby with a sci-fi blast door. It was three hundred feet tall, glowing with enchantments, runic seals, and laser grids.
"A locked door," Mash stated, walking up to it.
"I can sense a barrier," Goku said, tapping his chin. "It's magic, Ki, and... chakra? It feels complicated."
"Move," Vegeta landed, charging a blast. "Big Bang Attack should—"
CREEEEAK.
Mash grabbed the handle—which was the size of a truck—and pulled.
The door didn't open.
So Mash adjusted his grip. He dug his feet into the ground. His triceps bulged, shredding his sleeves.
"This is a 'Pull' door," Mash muttered.
With a sound like a tectonic plate snapping, Mash ripped the entire door off its hinges.
Not just the door. The frame. And about fifty feet of the surrounding wall. He tossed the debris (weighing roughly 5,000 tons) over his shoulder.
Vegeta's eye twitched. "That's not how physics works."
"Protein," Mash said.
Behind the door, an army was waiting.
But they weren't robots this time.
Hundreds of orcs. But not normal orcs. These ones wore Stormtrooper armor. Some held lightsabers. Some held wands.
"INTRUDERS!" The lead Orc roared, powering up a beam saber. "FOR LORD AIZEN!"
Goku stepped forward, smiling.
"Vegeta," Goku said. "Wanna play Rock-Paper-Scissors for who takes the left side?"
"I'm taking the whole army, Kakarot!"
"Wait," Saitama stepped between them.
The bald hero looked at the Orc General.
"Excuse me," Saitama said politely. "Do you guys have a cafeteria inside? I missed lunch because of the dimensional hole thing."
The Orc General blinked. "Kill the bald one first!"
A mistake.
"Killer Move: Serious Table Flip," Saitama whispered, digging his fingers into the ground.
He flipped the earth.
The entire clearing—ground, orcs, trees, atmosphere—went upside down. The shockwave sent Team Alpha flying into the sky alongside the enemy army.
"YOU BALD IDIOT!" Vegeta screamed as he tumbled through the air.
"I slipped," Saitama said, floating amidst the debris.
Location: The Shadows (Sector 7)
Team B: The Strategists
Naofumi deflected a kunai with his shield.
Clang.
"Ambush!" Genos announced, scanning the trees. "Heat signatures detected. Three hostiles. High speed."
"I smell them," Tanjiro said, sniffing. "It smells like... rotting flowers."
"Flower breathing?" Tanjiro drew his blade.
"No," Rimuru corrected, emerging from a shadow. "It's rot magic. Be careful."
Kirito watched the tree line. "Deku, verify!"
Izuku Midoriya, green lightning crackling around his body, scanned the area. "They're fast! Coming from three angles!"
Three figures burst from the brush.
They were weird fusions.
The first looked like a generic ninja from Naruto, but covered in Venom symbiote goo.
The second was a Titan (Attack on Titan style) wearing samurai armor.
The third was a floating grimoire casting fireballs.
"Strategy C!" Kirito commanded. "Naofumi, draw aggro! Deku, Tanjiro—pincer maneuver! Genos, suppressive fire!"
"On it!"
"AIR STRIKE SHIELD!" Naofumi created a barrier, catching the Titan's fist. The impact shook the forest, but Naofumi didn't budge. Too light, he thought. Compared to what that Muscle Team does, this is a vacation.
"Water Breathing: Third Form!" Tanjiro leaped off the shield.
"Detroit Smash!" Deku leaped from the other side.
Their attacks crossed. The Titan's head flew off.
"Incinerate," Genos unleashed a spiral of fire, vaporizing the symbiote ninja.
It was flawless teamwork. Efficient. Clean.
"We're good at this," Kirito said, stunned. "We actually have a balanced comp."
"Don't jinx it," Naofumi warned.
"HELP MEEEEEE!"
A scream echoed from the adjacent canyon. A very familiar, high-pitched scream.
Kirito sighed. "Kazuma."
"It came from Sector C," Genos noted. "Sensors indicate catastrophic incompetence levels."
"We have to help them," Tanjiro said, sheathing his sword. "It sounds like they triggered a boss."
Location: The Death Trap Canyon
Team C: The... Others
Kazuma ran.
He ran faster than he had ever run in his life. He ran faster than when the cabbage harvest chased him.
Behind him, Aqua was sprinting on all fours, sobbing.
Megumin was being carried by Darkness, who looked way too excited.
Kobeni was just screaming, matching Kazuma pace for pace.
And behind them?
A Giant Frog.
But not a Konosuba Giant Frog.
This was a Giant Frog wearing Majin Buu's vest, crackling with Cursed Energy, and it had the face of Dio Brando.
"USELESS!" The frog roared in Dio's voice. "USELESS USELESS USELESS!"
Its tongue shot out—purple and spiked.
"AQUA! TURN IT UNDEAD OR SOMETHING!" Kazuma shrieked.
"IT'S NOT UNDEAD! IT'S BIOLOGICAL!" Aqua wailed. "God Blow!"
She punched the air. A puff of pink smoke hit the frog. It did absolutely nothing except make the frog shinier.
"Why did you buff it?!" Kazuma yelled.
"It's beauty magic! It's all I had prepped!"
"ZA WARUDO!" The frog croaked.
Time stuttered.
Suddenly, Kazuma was upside down. The frog's tongue was wrapped around his leg.
"No," Kazuma whimpered. "Not again. Not the slime. I promised myself..."
The frog opened its mouth. Inside, endless darkness.
"PURIFICATION!" Aqua panicked, spraying water that just made the ground muddy. Kazuma slipped further.
Boom.
A casual, sleek shoe stepped onto the Frog's head.
"Infinity."
The frog's tongue stopped. It tried to retract, but it couldn't. The space between the frog and Kazuma had become infinite.
Gojo Satoru stood on the frog's nose, lifting his blindfold with one finger. His blue eye shone like a diamond.
"You guys are really noisy," Gojo laughed. "I was trying to finish my chips."
He tapped the frog's forehead.
"Red."
A small ball of red energy formed on his fingertip.
FWUMP.
The frog didn't explode. It was violently repelled. Its body shot backward so fast it turned into a Mach 10 projectile, carving a tunnel through the canyon wall before vanishing into the horizon.
Kazuma dropped to the muddy ground, shivering.
"I hate this world," Kazuma whispered. "I want to go back to debt. Debt was safe."
Gojo dusted off his uniform. "You know, that frog had a cursed spirit stuck to it. And some Ki. Someone is stitching these things together."
"Stitching?" Darkness stood up, panting, disappointed she didn't get eaten.
"Yeah," Gojo pointed to the sky. "Like a bad collage."
Above them, the clouds swirled.
A figure descended. He didn't look like a monster. He looked human.
He wore a forehead protector with a scratched leaf symbol. But he had orange hair. And one of his eyes was purple with rings.
Pain (Nagato) floated down.
But it wasn't just Pain. A second face was growing out of his shoulder—pale, snake-like. Orochimaru.
"The frog failed," Pain said, his voice overlapping with Orochimaru's hiss. "No matter. We shall know Pain."
"And we shall have your bodies," the Orochimaru head licked its lips.
Gojo tilted his head. "Two-in-one? That's convenient. Saves me a trip."
"Wait," Kobeni said, pointing her knife with trembling hands. "He... he has a health bar."
Everyone looked.
Above Pain's head, a red bar appeared.
[BOSS ENCOUNTER: PAIN-CHIMARU]
[Level: Disaster]
[Affiliation: The Villain Alliance]
Kazuma looked at Gojo. "You got this, right?"
Gojo smirked. "It might be a little draining."
"Really?"
"Nah," Gojo laughed. "I'd win."
But then, Pain raised his hands.
"Chibaku Tensei... with Curse Modification."
A black sphere floated up. Gravity twisted.
Team C lifted off the ground. The rocks lifted.
"Guys?" Aqua cried, floating upward. "I don't think Purification works on gravity!"
"MEGUMIN!" Kazuma yelled. "NOW!"
Megumin's eye glinted. She adjusted her eyepatch. She began the chant. The one chant. The only chant.
"Darkness blacker than black and darker than dark..."
Mana began to swirl.
Gojo looked at the little girl. That much magic? His smile widened. Interesting.
"...EXPLOSION!"
The world turned white.