Our journey had finally begun. Destination: Mistville.
Only a day into our quest, Kiki, Marx, and I found ourselves stranded on a mountainous terrain, completely lost.
[Uwaaah! Kiki! This is all your fault! We're stranded because of you!]
"Huh?! Don't pin this on me! You were supposed to be the one giving directions!"
[Yes! I was! And when I said 'head north,' I didn't mean 'climb a mountain,' Kiki!]
"Wait… North doesn't mean up?"
[No way. You're not serious. You can't possibly be our last hope.]
"Hey, you're the one who shoved this responsibility onto me. You've only got yourself to blame." I shrugged nonchalantly.
[Yup. That's it. We're doomed. Kiki.]
"Yeesh, could you dial down the doom and gloom? You're making me even more exhausted than I already am."
The sun blazed down mercilessly. My skin prickled under the heat, and it felt like my sweat was evaporating the second it formed. "So… thirsty…" I wheezed, draining the last drop of water from my waterskin. "Ah, biscuits. We're out of water."
I slumped against Marx's back. He was just as worn out, his pace had slowed dramatically, and after a few more steps, he collapsed beneath the weight of our gear. The two of us sprawled across the cracked ground, roasting under the sun.
[Pathetic. The both of you. Kiki.]
"Sh… shut up…"
We lay there for what felt like half an hour, too drained to move. Then Kiki squinted into the distance.
[Hey… what's that?]
"Hm?" I turned my head, still lying on my back. The heat shimmered, distorting the air, but something was definitely approaching. Its silhouette wavered through the mirage, an elaborate pink carriage shaped like a pumpkin, drawn by horses with extravagant pompadours and wearing sunglasses. The chauffeurs, equally flashy, sported matching shades.
The carriage pulled up beside us. A flamboyant figure opened the door and called out dramatically:
"Ah, zut alors! This heat is absolutely révolutionnaire! It might kill you, mon ami! Come, get inside, you and your horse! I shall take you wherever you need to go! Hiyah!"
I scrambled to my feet. "Wait, really?! You're willing to help us?"
"But of course! It is the révolutionnaire thing to do! Hiyah!"
"Oh, gee, thanks!"
Marx and I staggered to our feet and approached the carriage. Inside, we were greeted by a man seated in an absurdly deep split, sipping tea. He dressed like an aristocrat, flamboyant and theatrical. His scarlet mullet gleamed like polished lacquer. His legs were absurdly long, four feet taller than his torso, with bulging thighs. His cheekbones were as sharp as spearheads, and his chin looked oddly like a butt. He even sipped tea with a hand that wore a boxing glove.
What a weirdo… I thought.
Despite everything, the inside of the carriage was surprisingly spacious. Honestly, I wouldn't have minded living in it.
"Oh, um… hi. Thank you for the lift. My name is Ragna Egillson." I bowed respectfully.
"Hiyah! Ragna Egillson, huh? That name rings a bell! Hmmm… Ah, well, no matter! It's a pleasure to meet you! I am Joe Cloud Van Dammit!"
Marx and I settled onto the opposite seat. Admittedly, it wasn't designed with horses in mind, but somehow, Marx made it work.
"Uhm… Nice to meet you, Mr. Van Dammit," I said, bowing again.
"Hohohohoho! No need for such formalities, boy! Just call me Joe! Hohohoho! Hiyah!"
"Ah… r-right."
"Don't be shy now! Make yourself at home! Here, have some rice crackers! You must be starving! Can't be révolutionnaire on an empty stomach, hiyah!"
"Th-thank you, Joe!"
Marx and I eagerly dug into the crackers.
"So, where are you headed?" Joe asked between sips.
"We're on our way to the Luceal Manor."
"The Luceal Manor, huh? That's quite the perilous journey, young one. In fact, I wouldn't recommend a Dunya-Kellenian like yourself set foot in Mistville."
"Huh? Why not?"
"That place is infested with bigotry. Very anti-révolutionnaire! That's anti with a capital N, T! Not that the rest of Septum is much better…"
"That doesn't scare me. I've faced worse than hatred."
Joe arched an eyebrow. "Worse than mankind's hatred? Hm. And what might that be?"
"…"
"Ah… I see. Not something you're ready to share. Fair enough." Joe gazed out the window. "But your words caught me off guard. I always believed bigotry to be the root of all evil. It divides us, stunts empathy, and breeds greed. That greed fuels conflict, and conflict turns into a cycle of hate. So, if there's something worse than that… especially coming from someone of a reviled people… your struggle must be heavy indeed."
"I… I don't know what to say. The way you put it… it's kind of overwhelming." I scratched the back of my head.
"Such is the thorny path of every man's journey, Ragna. But the fact that you took your first step proves you have the strength of a true révolutionnaire!"
"Right!"
"Alright, Ragna-boy. I'll drop you off at the southern gate of Rocksvalley. That's where we part ways."
"Where are you headed, Joe?"
"I'm off to an island south of here…Beast Island! I plan to start a REVOLUTION!"
"A revolution, huh?"
"Yep! There's a dark cloud of tyranny there, and I'm going to blow it away!"
"Are you a Holy Knight with the Aglonian Army?"
Joe's smile faded. He turned to the window. "I wasn't one of those Aglonian knights, no. But yes, I was a Holy Knight once. Back then, I upheld the very system I now seek to destroy."
"W…wait. You don't mean…?"
"Oh look! We've arrived in Rocksvalley!"
The carriage rolled into a desolate town. War had left its mark; buildings crumbled, and children wandered the streets, clutching their stomachs.
Joe turned away dramatically, dabbing a tear with a silk handkerchief. "Oh! Such tragedy! So very not révolutionnaire!"
He quietly took a loaf of bread from a basket and tossed it out the window toward the children. It was a theatrical display of sorrow, almost as though he were embarrassed by his own compassion. Yet, behind the flair and eccentricity, it was clear: Joe Cloud Van Dammit was a kind, genuine soul.
As the carriage rolled through the ruined city, we saw something grotesque on a crumbling execution platform. A group of skeleton soldiers had several men bent over a log, holding them in place. Then, a massive skeleton; wearing a golden crown; strode forward with heavy, clanking steps. Without hesitation, he began spanking the captives square on the buttocks, one after another.
"Oh crap! That's just horrible!" I yelled.
"We've got to stop them!" shouted Joe.
Without hesitation, we leapt out of the carriage.
"Kiki, transform!"
In a flash of light, Kiki morphed into a broken sword hilt, glowing faintly in my hand. I charged at the skeletons, slashing through them one by one.
"Hiyah! Hiyah!" Joe bellowed, joining the fray with a series of furious spinning kicks that sent skulls flying.
The crowned skeleton snarled at us from atop the gallows. "Grr! My army of the undead… seize those two handsome men! I must spank their booties!!"
"...What?" I muttered.
A wave of skeletons rushed toward us.
Joe and I stood back to back. "Wow, Joe! You're a really good fighter!"
"Thanks, Ragna-boy! It's a martial art I developed myself… Splits Kwon Do! You're no slouch either! Hiyah!"
"Appreciate it! That means a lot coming from a former Holy Knight!"
We battled fiercely, dismantling the undead with precision and teamwork. Soon, every last skeleton lay scattered across the ground.
The crowned skeleton glared down at us. "Grrr! Enjoy your victory, for now! But mark my words, your booties shall be mine!" He vanished in a puff of smoke.
"What was that guy's deal?" I asked, still catching my breath.
"I'm wondering the same thing…" Joe muttered.
Just then, an old man hobbled toward us, his hands trembling. "Thank you… thank you for driving off Boney King and his army of the dead. I'm the mayor of this town, and I don't know how we can ever repay you."
"Boney King?" I raised an eyebrow. "Mind telling us what's going on here?"
"Of course," the mayor said. "A few days ago, we asked a Holy Knight to help us deal with a dragon blocking our access to the crystal mines on Boogie Mountain. What we didn't realize… was that the dragon was protecting us. Protecting us from Boney King and his depraved, booty-spanking tyranny."
He choked up, tears welling in his eyes.
"A Holy Knight, you say?" Joe asked suspiciously.
"Yes… Victor Von Einsbern," the mayor whispered.
"VICTOR?!" Joe and I shouted in unison.
"Tch," Joe spat. "Nothing revolutionnaire ever comes from that guy."
"You can say that again," I added.
Joe glanced at me. "Wait, you know Victor too?"
"Yeah. It's… complicated."
"Well, say no more. Hiyah!"
"So, what happened next?" I asked the mayor.
"I was one of Boney King's first victims," he said gravely. "But when he spanked me… he didn't feel satisfied. Said I was too old. So instead, he kidnapped my son Thomas, and most of the town's young men, to fulfill his awful urges!"
"Wait… why only young men?" I asked, grimacing.
The mayor looked away in shame. "By his own words… he likes his booty firm and fresh."
He broke into sobs, tears pouring down his wrinkled cheeks. "P-please! Save my son!"
"Don't worry, old man," I said firmly. "We'll save your son, and every young man he took. Just tell us where he is."
"There!" The mayor pointed toward a looming building atop a hill. "City Hall!"
Joe clenched his fists. "Alright, Ragna-boy! Let's move!"
"Right behind you!"
We charged toward the building, cutting down the skeletal guards that lunged at us from all sides. Bones shattered, skulls cracked, and the path to Boney King's lair grew ever clearer.
Meanwhile, in the mayor's bedroom...
Twenty-five men were chained up with their bare backsides exposed. Their arms were shackled to their legs, forcing them into a bent-over position, rear ends pointed skyward. Gagged and helpless, tears streamed down their cheeks.
"SHUT UP!" screeched the Boney King. "DON'T YOU SEE HOW LUCKY YOU BASTARDS ARE TO HAVE NICE, WARM FLESH?! YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL THAT SOMEONE WANTS TO GRAB AND SPANK THOSE LUSCIOUS BOOTY CHEEKS, BABY!!"
He slathered his skeletal hands with baby oil, rubbing them together gleefully. "Oh yeah, baby… Ooooh yeah! Time for another round of spanking!"
Just as he raised his bony hand to strike, the doors burst open with a thunderous crash.
"Not so fast, Boney King!" I shouted. "You didn't even ask for their consent!"
The Boney King turned toward us with fury. "Oh, shut it, you fools! No human will stand between me and my sacred booty! Begone!"
He hurled bolts of crackling black electricity toward us. We dodged at first, but he spammed the attack relentlessly until one bolt finally hit us, paralyzing us with an agonizing jolt.
As we collapsed to the floor, the Boney King loomed over me, empty eye sockets fixed on my body. He strolled up and began kicking me mercilessly.
Then, using his dark magic, he levitated me into the air like a trophy.
He sniffed me. Actually sniffed me.
"Hrmmm… I never expected to find chocolate-flavored booty this early in the game. Lucky me," he growled.
"Hey! Who the hell gave you permission to touch me there?!" I snapped.
"This one's a bit too muscular… gonna need some tenderizing."
He spun me through the air and slammed me into every wall in the room. Over and over. My body thrashed like a rag doll, my head pounding with disorientation. Blood trickled down my forehead. Then he smashed me into the floor with a bone-rattling crunch.
"Time to cook the meat a bit," he sneered.
A stream of black lightning burst from his fingers, surging into my body. The pain was unbearable. My skin sizzled. I could smell my own flesh burning.
BOINK!
Suddenly, Marx charged into the room and rammed the Boney King, knocking his golden crown clean off his skull.
The electric aura vanished. Joe and I staggered to our feet, freed from the paralyzing spell.
"Atta boy, Marx! You really saved us!" I groaned.
Marx neighed proudly, his eyes fierce.
"Alright, Ragna-boy!" Joe called out. "Let's finish this!"
"Right behind you!"
The Boney King shrieked, "YOUR BOOTIES WILL BE MINE WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, DAMMIT!!"
He unleashed a storm of black lightning, scorching the room in waves of crackling energy. Joe and I dashed through the chaos, weaving between the blasts. In a single coordinated strike, Joe slammed a kick into the Boney King's chest, and I followed through by slicing his head clean from his shoulders.
The skeletal head hit the ground with a hollow clunk.
The Boney King's voice still echoed from his severed skull. "Sniff Sniff. All I wanted… was booty. I just wanted the men of this world to feel the sensation I never could. I just wanted to share the pleasure… of having one's booty smacked. Is that so much to ask?!"
I stepped forward and flattened the skull beneath my boot with a decisive crunch.
"Yes," I said. "It is."
I collapsed then and there.
Kiki transformed back into his normal form and floated over to me in a panic. "Oh no! Lord Renenhotep! I'll fix you right up!"
Kiki spun in the air, releasing a shimmering cloud of golden pollen. As it settled on my wounds, they began to heal instantly, the pain ebbing away with each sparkling particle.
"Huh?! What the--" I shot upright. "I'm healed!"
"Ragna Boy! Who's that little friend of yours?" Joe asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Huh? Oh, it's... huh?" I turned. "Kiki? A-Are you... crying?"
Kiki stared at Joe, his eyes shimmering with tears. "Joe... it's really you, isn't it? Kiki..."
Joe tilted his head. "Hm? Do I know you from somewhere, little guy?"
"I... n-nevermind." Kiki quickly transformed into a ball of light and zipped into the gem embedded in my necklace, vanishing from view.
"Hm? What was that all about? Hiyah!"
"Kiki..." I murmured. I didn't fully understand what was going through his mind, and I didn't intend to press him. It was clearly something he wasn't ready to talk about.
"Ragna Boy," Joe said, "mind telling me who that creature was, hiyah?"
"Sure. He's my friend, Kiki. I'll explain everything after we free those guys." I pointed toward the men Boney King had kept chained up.
"Very well. Let's take care of this first," Joe replied.
We freed the captives shortly after defeating Boney King and his undead horde. The villagers, overjoyed, offered us a grand banquet and a night at the fanciest inn in the village. We respectfully declined. Both of us had our own urgent paths to follow.
Hours later, Joe dropped Marx and me at the southernmost point of the mountainous terrain that surrounded Rocksvalley. We stood at a crossroads.
"Well, Ragna Boy, I guess this is where we part ways. Hiyah!"
"Yeah. Fighting alongside you was an honor, Joe."
"Likewise, my friend! I'm heading to Beast Island. Should your journey end in victory, come find me there! Hiyah!"
"Right!"
We clasped hands firmly. Joe gave a parting nod and climbed into his carriage. As it rolled away, he popped his head out the window and waved enthusiastically.
I waved back, then glanced at Kiki. "Hey, Kiki… if I had to guess, Joe was probably one of our allies in the future, wasn't he? Maybe you never got the chance to say goodbye to him. Don't you want to give him a proper send-off, while you still can? You might not get this chance again."
[There's no need, Lord Renenhotep. He's not the same Joe I knew in that future. As far as I'm concerned... he's a completely different person.]
"Kiki..."
"Hiyah hey!! Ragna Boy! Little creature! Marx! Yeah! All three of you!" Joe shouted from the distance, his voice cracking with emotion. "Never stop being revolutionnaire!! You can win any battle that awaits you; just don't lose that revolutionnaire spirit! HIYAH!!"
[Sniff... sniff... sniff...]
Kiki tried to suppress his sobs, but they broke through in quiet, trembling gasps. Despite what he'd said, Joe was still Joe to him.
So, I waved. I waved not just for me, but for Kiki, who never got to say farewell to the friends he lost in his original timeline. I kept waving until Joe disappeared from sight.
As his carriage vanished over the horizon, I turned toward the opposite path. It was my cue to ride out in the other direction.
Joe was a great human being. And in that moment, more than anything, I hoped this quest would end well, so Kiki and I could see him again.