Chapter 8Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
"Being a hero is no excuse for being a martyr," Hizashi said, and Botan stared at him in silence as the doctor put in a neat row of stitches in her forehead. "Don't look at me like that. You know that was stupid and risky when you did it, and you still did it."
"It worked out, didn't it?" she signed, and he gestured wildly to the fresh injury across her face.
"It clearly did not! You don't need more facial injuries, Bo!"
"What, worried Rei will think I'm ugly and break up with me?" Botan asked, and Hizashi inhaled sharply.
"You know I'm not worried about that. Now you're just being an asshole."
"Please stop moving; I need to get these stitches in," the doctor said, and Botan stilled as Hizashi turned aside and rubbed a hand over his face. He stared out the window in silence, arms crossed and a frown on his lips, and Botan looked away. She knew she had been reckless, but…
"One day, I'm not going to be here to tell you off, Bo," Hizashi said quietly. "What kind of risks will you be taking when I'm not around?"
Botan woke with a silent groan, her eyes blinking open in the darkness of the creche. The world was muffled through the ear plugs, and she rubbed her hands over her eyes, wiping away the crust before she rolled over and stared at the chrono on the wall.
Four am.
With a sigh, she slid out of bed, her socked feet hitting the stone floor, and she made her way to the side room where the fresher was. The first of firstmeal would be served in the refectory at this time of morning, and her stomach was growling. She padded her way into the fresher and stared at her reflection in the mirror.
She was ten now. Her messy, curly red hair was falling out of its buns, and she undid them and carefully pulled them back with the assistance of her brush, making a mess of the curls and relegating them to straight frizz. The buns were wrapped back up and tied back in place, just shy of slightly too messy, and she mechanically brushed her teeth. They were still crooked in this life, the sharp canines poking out over her front teeth, and she paid special attention to the overlap there, since it tended to build up plaque. She knew she was due for a dentist appointment soon, and wasn't looking forward to that. She hated cleanings.
It took a while longer to finish getting put back together, and she padded silently back into the creche to get into her locker and pull out her robes to get dressed. The clothes were wrapped around her, and scrubbed on her deodorant. She was going to take a shower tonight, because she didn't like showering in the morning, and she was overdue to wash her greasy hair.
It was always hard to get her footing after dreams of her past life. She always felt slightly off kilter, subdued, and it was difficult to get back up and keep going. Even now, it was a mystery as to why she remembered it, but she had long since stopped questioning it. She would be happier that way, she was sure. It was better to not read into things. Even so, it would have been nice to have an edge. She used to read a lot of revenge manhwas on her long patrols where nothing really happened, and she knew most people that retained their memories should have some kind of advantage. Or, at least, that was how it was in fiction. Reality was much different.
Botan sat down to pull on her boots, and then she made her way to the door. Quartz was sleeping in the other room, her presence in the Force still and calm, in a happy dream, and Botan looked over her shoulder at all of the slumbering children. They were calm and happy in the Force, but Ahsoka was having a bad dream. She would probably wake up soon and be the first to notice Botan was missing. That was fine. Quartz would know Botan was probably getting food.
The door slid shut behind her, and she walked through the Temple in the pre-dawn rays of the sun. The smog was especially heavy today over Coruscant, and someone was pulling an all nighter at the Senate. There was discussion of an upcoming bill on tariffs, and vendors were setting up their stalls in the levels below. A mechanic was welding something, and she could hear the hiss and spit of it. Overall, it was a peaceful start to the morning, and she made her way into the refectory, climbing up the stairs and heading down the hall.
It was quiet. People were slowly waking up, but not many. It was winter on Coruscant, though you could scarcely tell the difference, and it was chilly. She almost wished she had taken her robe.
The refectory was almost empty. There were a few people here and there, but not many. Everyone was mostly keeping to themselves, and there was a padawan sitting in a corner, tinkering with a BD unit as he left his firstmeal to cool on the table. Botan frowned slightly at the sight, but decided to mind her business and get a tray of food. He looked kind of familiar, looking to be around fifteen, but she couldn't place where he was from. Sandy brown hair, blue eyes, striking brows and thick lips, he looked so familiar, but she wasn't sure…
Anakin.
The moody padawan assigned to Obi-Wan, she realized as she got her tray of food and made her way to a seat. He had been unpleasant and bratty, and she could abide a bratty child in herself, but not in others, so she decided she would keep her distance as she picked up her fork and stabbed into her salad. She liked to start her morning with a light seaweed salad, since she had lightsaber combat first thing in the morning, and she---
"What's that thing on your arm?" a deep, teenaged boy voice asked, and she looked up at the other boy, standing there with clear curiosity on his face.
"My communication device," she typed out, and he blinked.
"You don't have a droid for that?" he asked, and she shook her head no.
"No," she replied, short and direct, and turned back to her food as he flopped down into the seat next to her.
"Can I see it?" he asked, and she blinked.
"Most people introduce themselves before they go poking around accessibility devices," she said, and to his credit, he didn't look even remotely ashamed.
"I'm Anakin. Can I see it now?"
"No. You'll break it," she replied. "And I need it."
"What's your name, then?"
"Botan."
"Have we met before?" he asked, and she blinked at him.
"Yes. You threw a fit because your master paid attention to me."
"I don't think I did that," he replied immediately, and she let out a silent snort before she turned her attention back to her food. "What?"
"You're kind of rude," she said, and he shrugged.
"I get that a lot. Are you an Initiate?"
"Yes."
"What creche are you in?"
"Master Quartz's."
"I never went to the creche," Anakin said, and she took another bite of her seaweed salad. It tasted like Japan, and she was hit with a bout of homesickness. "What's it like?"
"Loud," she replied, and he tilted his head.
"Do you not like loud things?"
"No. Do you?"
"Well, no, but---"
"I want to eat right now," Botan said, and he hummed and turned his attention back to the droid he had set down on the table. He didn't move. Instead, he just got to work prying off a panel to poke around at the wires inside, and she decided she would just eat with her unwanted guest.
It was quiet, and he felt calm in the Force. It was more than a bit uncomfortable, because there was an undercurrent of tension she couldn't quite put her finger on. Like he was just trying to get out some bad emotions, and she had no idea why he had joined her.
"You're up early," he muttered under his breath, and she startled slightly.
"What?"
"Oh, it's just… five am," he said as he checked his comm, and she blinked a few times.
"I had a bad dream and didn't want to go back to sleep," she said, and he nodded a few times.
"I never went to sleep," he said, and she nodded.
"You seem to have that energy." He felt a little unhinged in the Force, if she was being honest. Maybe that tension was him fighting his exhaustion.
"Is it that obvious?" he asked, and she took note of the lines under his darkened eyes and tension in his mouth.
"Yes," she replied, and he hummed again as he focused his attention back on the droid.
"Do you want to be a Knight?" he asked, seemingly out of nowhere, and she shook her head no. "No? Why not?"
"I want to join ExplorCorps," she said, and he frowned.
"ExplorCorps? Why?"
"Because it's quiet," she said, and he inclined his head.
"Guess that's a point," he muttered under his breath, and there was a bang as someone else slammed their tray next to theirs, disturbing the quiet of the room, and several Knights and Masters looked up as Aayla Secura took a seat next to Anakin and Botan.
"Good morning!" she said cheerfully. "I see you're playing with your droids first thing in the morning, Skywalker."
"Good morning," Anakin said, and Aayla stretched out her legs.
"You're Botan," she said to Botan, who blinked at her in confusion. "Aren't you?"
"Yes," Botan replied, and Aayla grinned at her.
"Nice to meet you," she said. "Again. I remember you caused trouble for my master at the museum a few years ago."
"I don't cause trouble," Botan retorted, affronted, and Aayla laughed at her.
"You've got troublemaker written all over you," she said, and Botan twitched, because that was true, but she didn't have to say it. "Skywalker, put your droid away."
"No," he muttered as he connected a wire and soldered it in place. "I'm nearly done with it."
"Anakin," Aayla said. "Your food's going cold."
"You sound like Obi-Wan," Anakin snapped, and the air turned sour in an instant. Botan blinked, and Aayla tilted her head, not deterred in the slightest.
"Having trouble with your master?" she asked, and Anakin inhaled slowly.
"No," he lied, very obviously lied.
"Yes, you are," Aayla said and leaned forward. "It's okay. I'm fighting with Quinlan, too."
"Is that normal?" Botan asked, mystified, because she hadn't actually considered that masters and apprentices could fight.
"Yes," Anakin and Aayla replied in unison, and Botan nodded, satisfied.
"Have you considered not fighting with them?" she asked, because she was determined to be unhelpful, and the two of them stared at her.
"You're… kind of a brat," Anakin said, as if he was just realizing this, and Botan rolled her eyes.
"You interrupted my meal. Don't expect me to be nice."
"Was he bothering you about your bracelet?" Aayla asked, amused, and Botan nodded. "Anakin, you can't mess with people's accessibility devices."
"You still sound like Obi-Wan," Anakin muttered, and Aayla placed a hotcake in her mouth.
"Well, if that seems to be what he's chiding you about, then maybe you should listen to him," she said, and Anakin rolled his eyes.
"He's not on my case, he's just…"
"Being a master?
"Yes."
"Sucks." Aayla didn't sound very sympathetic. "But, you're hardheaded and don't listen to him the vast majority of the time, so he probably has a reason to tell you off."
"I'm 'too aggressive'," Anakin muttered, and Botan wished she could make a noise of sympathy. That's what they said about her in lightsaber combat, too, but it was hard to unlearn old habits.
"Well, you are," Aayla said simply and took another bite of her hotcake. "Botan, when you're a padawan, don't be a brat like Anakin."
She was probably going to be worse.
"I just don't know… He doesn't think a war is coming, and I just think we need to act like it's inevitable," Anakin said, and Botan stared down at her food.
"You think so?" Aayla asked. "I think we should act like it's not going to happen. We gotta enjoy life until we can't anymore."
"There's more and more missions that have to do with Separatists," Anakin muttered as he stabbed at his food, abandoning the droid for now. "We just had to investigate a terrorist bombing on Maltrice."
"Oof," Aayla said in sympathy. "Bombings are never fun."
"I think Maltrice is going to be the next to join the Separatist systems," he said, and Botan knew Maltrice was next because the king was telling the senator to prepare to pull out. But, she couldn't share that information. "But, they still want to enjoy the perks of having Jedi on call."
"Did you at least find out who did it?"
"Yeah," he said grimly. "It was an advisor."
"Oof. I bet that went over well."
"It did not."
Botan wondered if they should really be discussing this in front of her, but she said nothing as she stabbed at her salad, wishing she had some chopsticks.
"Well, it's not like we can do anything about it. We can't get involved in politics," Aayla said and stretched out. "Anyways, let's not discuss such depressing things over a meal in front of a Youngling."
"I'm fine," Botan said, and Aayla smiled at her.
"You'll have to worry about it in a few years. Enjoy not being bothered by it all now," she said, and Botan hated that dismissal, but she didn't necessarily want to hear about it, either.
"Anyway, Botan, you've gotta eat more than that. You're growing," Aayla said and reached to pile food on Botan's tray, much to Botan's dismay. "Eat, eat."
Well.
At least she cared. The problem of all Jedi. They cared too much.
Notes:
i have no idea where this is going :D i do not know what i'm doing at all times :D
Chapter 9Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Ilum was cold. It was incredibly cold, and Botan was shivering in the face of it, her breath coming out from behind her mask like little puffs of exhaust in the rearview mirror on a winter's day. She was shivering, and she didn't particularly want to be here, and she couldn't believe that people once went to Ilum in nothing but their summer robes to show their commitment. She wanted to join the ExplorCorps, so why did she have to be here, exactly? There was no reason for her to be here, but it was what it was.
Not to say she felt a particular calling towards the ExplorCorps. She didn't, not really, but she wanted it for the peace and quiet. This was a pointless exercise, and surely people had to know that. Well, they didn't, because she had never really expressed to Quartz that she wanted to join the ExplorCorps, but she had told, like, Quinlan and Anakin and Aayla, so that had to count for something.
It was cold.
She really didn't like the cold. It made her fingers numb, feel like she couldn't talk, not that she had anyone to talk to. It was empty at this frozen lake she had been pulled to, and she was sitting in front of the ice, staring across the expanse of it where a single kyber crystal was winking at her in the light coming in.
Objectively, she didn't have to get it. She could just fail and loudly declare she wanted to go to ExplorCorps. She could just do that. There was absolutely nothing stopping her, but she didn't like failure as a general rule. It left a bitter taste on her tongue. She wanted to be more than this, a failed Jedi Initiate, left alone in the cold, but the ice was creaking, so sue her. She didn't want to go onto creaking ice. It was this ongoing drone, rocking back and forth, and it didn't seem very secure at all.
She stared across the ice as she considered her options here. She didn't want to do this. There was no real need to, but…
With a sigh, she got up and turned aside, walking back into the tunnel she had come from. She didn't want to do this, and so she wouldn't. There were no dreams in her mind of being a Padawan, of becoming a Knight. She didn't…
It was her home. Warm and inviting, she stared at the quiet apartment, littered with plants, the only things they could take care of, with quilted blankets thrown over the back of the couch, an overstuffed armchair they thrifted in the corner, with pictures from their one and only vacation on the walls. Paintings, from when Rei tried their hand at watercolor, proudly framed by Botan, even though they weren't very good, and the window opened to let in a breeze, the curtains fluttering in the wind.
It was beautiful, and the sight brought tears to Botan's eyes even as breath frosted in the air, and the door slammed as Rei entered.
"You're mad at me," a much more adult Botan signed as they followed after Rei, and Rei whirled on her.
"Yes, I'm mad at you!" they screamed and gestured to the busted face, the broken jaw and leg in a boot. "Look at you! You keep taking these risks!"
"That's what being a hero is about," Botan said, and Rei inhaled sharply.
"That is not what it's about!"
"You're only saying that because you don't have to take risks," Botan said, and the accusation hung between them, ugly and twisted, taking things too far, the way Botan always did, and Rei pursed their lips. The younger Botan stared, begging her adult self to not double down, to not take it further, but--- "Oh, sorry, should I judge you when you're crying from the memories you downloaded and can't delete? When you took things too far trying to take down a murderer and taking every possible shortcut you can to get it done? When you get obsessed with it, like a dog with a bone? Are we going to talk about that?"
"I'm sick of scraping you off the pavement, Botan!" Rei screamed, and adult Botan's shoulders huffed with a laugh.
"So, we're just going to talk about my behavior, never yours?"
This was back when things got ugly. When things got nasty, when Botan became a person she never wanted to be again. In the months leading up to the breakup, Rei only saw Botan when she was injured and home. It was a strain on their relationship, and Botan worked more and more, running from Rei and all of their issues together instead of staying home to work it out. Botan, stupidly, had thought this was a storm to weather, but did none of the work to lash their sails to carry them through.
And she had paid for it.
"My behavior isn't the issue right now, Botan!" Rei screamed, and Botan wondered why the Force was showing her this. She barely remembered this fight. It was just one of many.
"Then, when will it be our issue to discuss?" Botan asked coldly, and Botan willed her to stop. But, no, she would never stop, not when she really got going. "Because maybe I'm tired of holding you through it when you could just stop fucking doing it."
"You're so… Why is this so important to you? Why is this more important than us? " Rei screamed, and Botan stared at them. "Why, you have something to prove because of your parents? Is that it? Your mommy issues? Daddy issues? Is it because everyone said you couldn't, so now you have to? You have nothing to prove to anyone!"
That was the problem with fighting with Rei, Botan thought distantly. They were perceptive, knowing how to strike to the heart of the matter. They knew where to stick the knife and twist it, and even when they cared so, so much, they still brought up things that they knew would only make Botan worse.
"Oh, mommy issues is rich coming from you," Botan drawled, filthy and slow, spelling out each word in the air with pointed precision. "Don't act like you don't destroy yourself to prove her wrong, too."
"Ugh!" Rei screamed and threw their hands in the air. "This is your issue! If I ever have an issue with how you act, it's always 'but you're worse'. We can never have a productive conversation!"
Botan knew the Force showed people what they needed to see, but she didn't need to see this. She didn't want to see this. She didn't want to be reminded of her worst self, because Rei was right, and she knew it. This was what she did when it was time to fight, and it took losing Rei to grow out of it. It shouldn't have taken that.
She was again reminded of her own death. Dying on the ground, bleeding out from the gut, not able to utter a sound to plea with someone to help her. She was all alone in the end, just the way she deserved. Because Rei hadn't deserved this. Rei had never deserved this.
"You want to know why I do this?" Botan asked, her hands flying in a rage as she stomped closer, and then stopped and winced in pain, not even able to make a muffled noise of pain. Rei's face cracked, but Botan wasn't done. "Yes. It is my mommy and daddy issues. I was told my entire life I was useless, would never be my brother, would never measure up to my siblings. I was worse than dirt to them, but you know what? All that taught me is I wanted a hero to come save me. I stayed up every goddamn night, praying All Might would come and steal me away, raise me as his own daughter, tell my parents to get their shit together. I prayed for that, and no one ever came for me. I had to get kicked out before my brother could do anything. If I can't be the one to save people and return the favor, then what is the point, exactly? What would be the point of all the suffering and pain and parents ignoring me when I was hurt because they couldn't hear me cry if I can't make sure it never happens again? What would be the point of that? I needed a hero to save me, and I will be damned if I don't be that hero for someone else. I refuse to not pay back this karma. I will be the best damn hero I can be. I will be better than all the rest, because I need to pay it back. "
The scene faded, leaving Botan stunned. She didn't remember ever saying that. When had she said that? She didn't…
Those past traumas were forgotten, she thought firmly, and she took a seat on the ground and glared at the empty tunnel. They were entirely forgotten, and she didn't have to live with them anymore. This was a new life, and there was no point in carrying in old wounds. It was…
She remembered when she was six years old, she had broken her arm. She cried for two days before her parents took her to the ER. It was all silent, wet tears, streaming down her face, and her parents had been too busy in their studios to attend to her, even as Hizashi begged at the doors for them to come out and do something about the situation. They were having mutual "artistic binges". The hyperfixation would arrest them at random times, and they would go days without eating or drinking anything, sleeping in their studios and not even emerging to shower. Hizashi would have to cook meals and steal their money from their wallets to afford groceries, and he would get in trouble every time, told he had to ask, even though when he did, they didn't answer.
It was only when the hyperfixation broke that her mother took her to the ER and left all of the other kids with Hizashi, though Botan had begged for Hizashi to come, but Dad's hyperfixation wasn't broken yet, and someone had to be with the little ones.
Botan had been terrified the entire time, of her mother. She knew, even then, that she was the useless black sheep.
Even when she said all of that, she should have known that she would never be the best hero. She would never be the strongest, or fastest, or even the most dangerous. She wasn't even as good as Shouta, and they were both ambush predators. Even Rin she struggled to keep up with, but Rin basically had the same quirk as hers, just jacked up on steroids. The ability to turn off any single sense. The only hero Botan could go toe to toe with was Hizashi, ironically.
She knew she would never be among the best. She knew she would end up dying the way she did. She knew all of that. Bleeding out on the street, with people too scared to come outside and help her, because no one ever had guns in Japan, and she…
She knew she was going to die like that.
But, in the end, she had been the best hero she personally could have been.
Just not the best person she could have been.
You couldn't have it both ways. The better hero you were, the more your personal life suffered, and the more people left you after they couldn't make excuses for you anymore. There was no work life balance in the hero business. It just wasn't possible. And she knew that. That's why she lost Rei… Among other reasons.
She had loved them, though. Oh, gods, she had loved them to the moon and back. She just hadn't appreciated them when they were there, only once they were gone, but it was probably for the best they had never gotten back together. It hurt less, this way. Botan might have been more upset about the whole reincarnation thing if she was still with Rei, would have preferred to be a ghost to watch over Rei's days and nights, stayed by their side until Rei finally died, hopefully of old age.
She would have liked that.
But… why did the Force show that to her?
What was the purpose in it, the deeper meaning? Was it a reminder she… she died? Was it a reminder---
The realization came to her like a thunderbolt, and she sat straight up, staring straight ahead with wide, wide red eyes as it all fit together.
Oh.
She was stupid, and in denial.
Her quirk was still here, and she had only ever wanted to do one thing with her quirk.
She had wanted to be a hero.
Did she want to still be a hero?
She… didn't know. She could have been anything, but she chose the hard life. Maybe, for the second life, she wanted an easier one, but wasn't that a cop out? Wasn't that just making excuses? There was a war coming, and it was about time for her to confront the reality of it.
She was afraid.
She was well and truly afraid.
She knew war, who you lost, what you sacrificed. Good people, bad people, they all died the same, and none of them really deserved it. People willing to die for their ideals. Because, in the end, that's all we had. And she feared a war, the sounds of people breathing their last breath, choking on their own blood. She still thought about Edgeshot and his sacrifice for the sake of DynaMight. It kept her up at night, on lonely nights, where she wondered what it was like for DynaMight to have to live with that. She wondered how Best Jeanist felt about it, and if he saw Ai in DynaMight the way she did.
Children, sent to war, and she didn't want to be one of them.
But, she may not have a choice. There were rumors of a Separatist army somewhere out in the Outer Rim, though no one had been able to confirm it, and she was just one Initiate in a sea of kids that were probably going to die. She had been hearing rumors of sedition for years now, and she had to live with them. She didn't want to. She wanted to believe they were all hallucinations, but she knew the truth.
She wanted to do better.
She had never been a coward before, but she sure was acting like it right now.
Botan stared down at her cold, mittened hands, and thought about how she couldn't speak like this. She might be able to help with the war effort, with her hearing. She might be able to do something. She might be able to be more than this.
With a sigh, a groan that vibrated in her chest but didn't escape her lips, she climbed to her feet and made her way to the frozen lake.
Screw it.
Notes:
sorry to everyone not in the discord that didn't get to read this chapter ahead of time lol.
anyways, with the new chapter there is currently a VERY biased vote going on. who for Botan's master, Quinlan, Obi-Wan, or Plo? introducing a third master possibility for this comment section to keep things spicy.
Chapter 10Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Well, now that she had conquered her fear, she was beginning to question her choices and wondering why she had to be so goddamn dramatic about it. It had been a bit over dramatic to begin with, but now she was stuck in a place of not knowing actually what she needed to do. She had received the same education as everyone else, and she was pretty sure she was a good choice for a Padawan, but she didn't know. She was better than average at handling a lightsaber, but often got told she was too aggressive for her own good. At this point, she should have been doing networking, or had a few separate Masters to choose from, but instead she had kept to herself and mostly did her schoolwork.
It was a problem. It was a big problem. The exhibition was coming up, and she had absolutely no options. It was a hell of a time to change her mind on her future career path. She needed to be more proactive about things, but---
"Botan!" Ahsoka said, and Botan's head snapped up at the urgency in her tone as she rushed into the creche, eyes full of fear. "They're sending all the Knights out to Geonosis for some kind of battle!"
"What?!" Botan signed and Ahsoka waved a hand to hurry.
"Let's go, let's go," she said, and Botan bolted to her feet and made her way towards the door.
"What's going on?!" Botan signed as they rushed along the hallway.
"Okay, so, apparently Master Kenobi went after that Mandalorian bounty hunter that was hired to kill the Senator from Naboo and followed him all the way to Kamino, which was apparently removed from the Jedi Archives---"
"What?!" Botan interrupted.
"It was removed from the Jedi archives, keep up, Bo, anyways, so. He followed him out there, and then followed him to Geonosis, where he was captured by the Separatists, and now they're going to execute him--- "
"Why was it removed?!"
"Well, how am I supposed to know, and we're way past that. Apparently, he found a whole clone army on Kamino, for the Republic for some reason?!"
"I'm sorry, what?!"
"Listen, I know about as much as you do," Ahsoka said as she rushed down the hall. "Anyways, they're sending out the Knights to stop it, and it might be the thing that starts this war."
The war had already started, but Botan couldn't say as much. It was just that no one wanted to admit to it. But, the war had been going on for several years now. Little things, little diplomatic battles, little clashes, little civil wars over leaving the Republic. It was all very slow, inching along as the Republic struggled for air. It was only a matter of time before something happened. She had been listening.
Ahsoka grabbed her hand, dragging her down the halls, and Botan shot her an annoyed look as Ahsoka effectively put her hand over her mouth. With a sense of resignation, Botan typed on the bracelet.
"You know I don't like that," Botan said, and Ahsoka immediately released her.
"Oh, sorry! I'm just…!!"
It was so much. Botan had no idea what was going on. She hadn't heard a single word breathed of a clone army. That was beyond anything she was prepared for. They were cloning sentients? Sentient beings? Did they have rights? What was the procedure here? What was going to happen to them? Were they just going to war? Was that it?
She didn't know what to do, and it looked like Ahsoka was leading her to the landing bay, where knights and their padawans were all assembling. There was a massive ship, waiting to be boarded, and Botan slid to a halt at the sheer amount of anxiety in the air. Ahsoka looked around with wide eyes before she rushed up to Master Plo.
"Are you really leaving?" Ahsoka demanded, and Master Plo inclined his head.
"I am afraid that I am, little 'Soka," he said gravely, and Ahsoka stared up at him with wide, startled eyes.
"Are you going to be okay?!" she asked, and Botan winced, because that was not the right question to ask. That was not the right question to ask at all, and she wasn't going to like what there was to hear.
"The Force will guide me," Plo said, which was just codespeak for, 'if I die, I die, I guess'.
"I don't want you to go," Ahsoka said immediately, and Plo inclined his head after a pause.
"Ahsoka, we must all take risks as Jedi. That is our duty," he said, and Ahsoka stared down at the ground, frustrated. "I understand how difficult it might be to let go, but we must do our best."
"I know, Master, but---" Ahsoka cut herself off, frustrated. "This isn't fair! What if we do go to war?"
The benefit of having to sign to speak was that you were often forced to think things through before you said them. Botan wanted to say, so desperately, that they were already at war, and everyone was in denial. But, that wasn't what Ahsoka needed to hear right now, and she would likely just argue with her and spoil the sending away party. If this could even be called a party. It was more like a wake. Initiates were everywhere, and the sleek, wooden and silver lightsaber at her hip was heavier than ever. She didn't know what to do or say.
There was nothing she could really say. There was nothing that could be done about it. War was inevitable, and she had a feeling the Republic wouldn't be the same after it. Of course it wouldn't. Not even Japan was the same after its own small war, and its war had done nothing to fix the problems that grew, except make her work harder. And work harder she did, to the detriment of all of her relationships and life. She had been running on three hours of sleep when she died.
It was hard to forget that.
She didn't want to be worked like that again.
"If we do go to war, we will endure," Master Plo said and put a clawed hand on Ahsoka's head. "That is all we can do, young one."
Botan stared at the ground, and Plo reached forward to tweak a wild curl.
"And what about you, little Botan?" he asked. "Are you sad to see me go?"
"Of course I am," she signed, affronted, and he laughed at her.
"Well, everything will be fine," he said, as if it was the easiest thing in the world. "We will hopefully resolve it peacefully."
There were over two hundred Jedi on the largest landing platform, and Botan didn't think that meant much in the ways of peace. She knew, in her gut, that this was not going to be resolved peacefully. It was going to be solved with abject violence. And she was almost glad she wasn't going to be there for it. But, at the same time, she wished she could go. She wished she could be there, fighting alongside everyone else, but she wasn't even a Padawan yet. She would probably die immediately. She heard Geonosians had weapons that couldn't be stopped by lightsabers.
"Master Plo," Master Shaak-Ti said as she approached, Master Windu at her side. "I believe it is time to board."
"Hello, Botan, Ahsoka," Master Windu said, and Botan inclined her head.
"Hello, Master Windu, Master S-h-a-a-k T-i," she signed out, and Master Shaak-Ti inclined her head.
"It is good to see you, Botan," she said. "I see you succeeded in making your lightsaber."
"Yes, I did," Botan said, and Master Shaak-Ti held out her hand for it. Botan held out the hilt, and she turned it over in her hands before she activated it, sending out a green glow as it snap hissed to life. Ahsoka fidgeted, clearly wanting her saber to be looked at, too, and Shaak-Ti deactivated the saber and laid it back in Botan's hand.
"A good saber, yes," she said serenely. "It's your life. Wear it well."
"Thank you," Botan said one handed as she clipped the saber back to her belt, and Shaak-Ti turned to Ahsoka.
"And look at you. Your montrals have gotten tall, little one," she said, pride clear in her voice. "I remember when you were just to my hip."
"I don't think I was ever that short," Ahsoka said dubiously.
"Or was I that tall?" Shaak-Ti asked slyly, and Ahsoka flushed as she stared up at the stately master.
"You might have been that tall," she said, and Shaak-Ti rubbed between her montrals.
"When I return, we will go on your akul hunt," she said, and Ahsoka swallowed. "And I will return, young one. I promise."
Don't make promises you can't keep, Botan wanted to say as she thought about a woman with pink mist floating around her ankles. She promised to live, too. And all of those children had been waiting for her to return. She thought about a little girl, and she had been so young, Ai had been a child, who had the whole world ahead of her.
One day, she would think of Ai in detail. She was Botan's first introduction into death. The first time she saw the after effects of it, saw the mourning, the grief, the first time she wished she knew someone better. It had been a senseless, cruel death, a death that had never had to happen, and then…
And then.
Botan had been a child, too.
It was hard to think about.
It was really, really hard to think about.
And now more children were about to die, she thought as she watched the Jedi board the transport. More padawans, marching to their deaths. It felt weird, staring at someone, knowing the next time she'd see them, they'd be on fire. It was remarkably similar to walking into a pharmaceutical company and staring at three other teens and not knowing if she was going to see them again. The old fears from a childhood long, long ago rose up, and she swallowed them back down.
These padawans had trained their entire lives for this.
"Well, we have a limited amount of time before we have to depart. You two should return to the creche," Master Windu said, and Botan nodded, ducking down her head before she slipped back. Ahsoka lingered, giving Plo a brief, swift hug, and Botan turned aside, unable to watch any longer.
They may never come back, and she didn't have it in her to hug them. She really didn't. It felt too much like saying goodbye for good, and she didn't want to do that. It was better to pretend, even though she would regret it in the long term.
She would hug them when she came back.
She wasn't as brave as Ahsoka.
Notes:
did the math and out of 212 Jedi, only 28 survived Geonosis. so, that's a fun fact. should i do more backstory into Ai and Botan's history, for those of you that haven't read double trouble?
Chapter 11Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
When Botan was seventeen, she met Ai. The girl was the daughter of a pro hero in the top ten, and was fresh out of hell. When Botan thought of 'bravery', she thought of Ai. Ai had documented years of abuse sustained at the hands of her father, and lived through hell and back to put him behind bars. Her court case had been televised to the masses at the behest of the Hero Commission, for the sake of 'transparency for the public', and it had been… living hell.
That was around the time Botan first fell in love with Rei. She still could remember that first year heroics student, sitting there on the stand, pale faced and proud all at the same time, staring directly into the camera as they baited the defense lawyer and turned him all around, giving their testimony as a hero student who had downloaded Ai's memories and confirmed their validity. That was Rei's quirk, after all. Downloading memories with just a glance and recalling them with eidetic memory.
Botan could only imagine the kind of damage Rei could do in this galaxy with a power like that.
It was probably for the best that Botan came here, not Rei.
Botan didn't meet Ai until it was time for the infamous raid that took Ai's life. She remembered she was angry, but subdued, clearly in love with Rei, hesitant and unsure. All rage and nowhere to put it, practically crawling out of her skin with it. She was just a kid, angry at the world, at her trauma put on display to the whole of Japan with no say in it, desperately searching for something to grasp and hold onto, and that something was Rei.
Kind Rei, who had held her hand when angry protestors were throwing food at them as they tried to escape the courthouse.
Gentle Rei, who had put their neck out on the line in terms of their career for a girl who had only treated them terribly, attacked them, which was why Rei had her memories in the first place.
Ai had been in love and honestly? Botan wasn't jealous, because she understood.
That raid had gone so wrong. They were separated from the adult heroes by the villains, had to do it on their own. Botan still remembered the violence of it. She had gone up against a villain with snakes for hair, paralytic poison dripping from their fangs, and she still remembered the way they bit into her flesh. Even now, she touched her face, searching for a scar that wasn't there. She had been bit over 200 times, and the antivenom was barely deployed in time. Her parents, she remembered, refused to pay for the specialist that could ensure she was put back in the hero course. Best Jeanist had done it again.
Ai had been his intern.
"We take care of our own."
That's what he had said.
Hizashi had cried when he told Botan, begged her to forgive him for not making their parents love her enough. She remembered thinking that she just wanted to go back to sleep.
That fight had bruised her knuckles, and she still remembered that. She wore brass knuckles back then, and they had split the skin, down to the bone. She had whaled on that woman, hitting her over and over again, fighting past the poison and blood loss, fighting past her exhaustion and pain, and when she woke up, the girl she had met just a few days ago was dead.
Ai was dead, and she didn't know how to mourn someone she had barely known.
She had mourned the potential, probably. The way Ai had been going places. The way that girl had gotten up, dusted off her skinned knees, and held her head high. All of Japan had mourned her loss, and the sick part was, some people celebrated the death of a sixteen year old girl. Because they thought she lied about her father and what he had done to her. Because heroes didn't do wrong.
Heroes did do wrong.
And children often died for no reason.
And all she could think about, as she stared down at the lines of cold bodies, covered in cloth, that they should be mourned more.
Only twenty-eight Jedi had survived. Out of the 212 sent, only twenty-eight survived.
Many of the dead were padawans.
Children often died for no reason, and now many more were to die, because as the Jedi sealed the caskets in preparation to burn the bodies, the Senate was voting on whether or not to instate Jedi as Generals and Commanders in their new clone army. The question of whether or not they were going to war wasn't even a question anymore. Now it was a question of how many Jedi they could feasibly take out with them.
The hinge of the casket closed over Tan, and Botan took a step back, next to Ahsoka as she dipped her head. She had wrapped her hair in a simple braid for this, not wanting to appear too cheerful with her normal set of buns, and the bangs drifted in her eyes. She swept them out of the way and took a deep, calming breath, and a master she didn't know braced a hand on her shoulder in comfort.
The ceremony was to proceed. She almost wanted one of them to sit up, alive and well, but all of the caskets were closing, in preparation for incineration, and she watched as not a single one moved.
One hundred and eighty four dead. It seemed an impossible number. Like, that couldn't possibly happen in real life. It felt like she was seventeen all over again, hearing the news that someone was dead, someone who had a whole life left to live, and she was even younger this time, a bare thirteen years old, at a mass funeral. Jedi couldn't even fit in the entire room. They spilled out into the hall, and those were just the ones that had come. Many of them had not.
"Light the fires," Master Windu said, steady and cool, and Botan stared in silence as the fires were lit. A rush of heat came from Tan's casket, and she stood there in the face of it.
A mass funeral.
Just for the Jedi.
Many clones had died, too, and she still felt sick to her stomach about that. They shouldn't have been made in the first place. Millions of sentient life, made only to be snuffed out like a lightswitch flicking down. Millions of men, made and bred for war, their genes tinkered with to make them more obedient, more loyal, to the will of the Republic. The Chancellor now had emergency powers, and there was no sign of them going away anytime soon now that the war was beginning.
A war Botan would surely be involved in. Already, she could hear whispers from the Council of putting all assignments to the Corps on hold, and to assign all Initiates to masters and knights to make up for the loss of life they would surely be experiencing. Her dreams of ExplorCorps were now thoroughly dashed against the rocks, and she didn't know how or when she would be assigned. All she knew was that it was coming.
The smell of burning flesh filled the air, and she wanted to blame the tears stinging at her eyes on the smoke. She really wished she could blame it on the smoke.
"Are you awake?" Ahsoka whispered, and Botan stared at the ceiling before she nodded once. "Can we go take a walk?"
Botan sat up, and Ahsoka sat up with her, the blankets falling off of them and pooling around their waists. Ahsoka swung her legs off of the bed and pulled on her boots, and Botan followed suit. Quietly, Ahsoka got up and tiptoed to the door, and Botan followed along behind her, muting their steps as she went so as not to wake anyone. The door slid open, and Botan muted that, too. In silence, the two of them slipped out into the halls, the door shutting quietly behind them.
"That sure is useful," Ahsoka said quietly, and Botan nodded once, not really feeling up to talking. The funeral still weighed heavily on her mind, and she just followed along in Ahsoka's footsteps.
The Council had decided that if an initiate didn't have a master yet by the age of fourteen, they would be assigned one. Ahsoka turned fourteen in three months. No one was sure of Botan's birthday, and she had never wanted to do the math herself to figure it out, so they counted it as the day she came to the temple, and hers was in five months. They would both be assigned then, if a master or knight hadn't picked them out among the crowd of hopefuls, and then…
And then they would be going to war.
Five more months. Botan got five more months of being a child, and then it would be all over.
Ahsoka got even less time.
What a birthday present.
"The war won't last forever," Ahsoka said quietly, and Botan nodded. Of course it wouldn't last forever, but it would last forever, at the same time. Even if it was over in six months, that was still six months too long.
"We'll make it out on the other side," Botan said, and Ahsoka watched her with sad, worried eyes, like she was watching a dead man walking.
"You shouldn't make promises like that," Ahsoka murmured.
"Well, promises are all we can give each other," Botan said. "Who cares if we have to break them?"
"Isn't the point of promises that you don't break them?"
"The point is they tried to keep them."
"If you say so," Ahsoka said dubiously, and turned down the hall towards the room of a thousand fountains.
"I do say so," Botan said firmly, and Ahsoka pushed open the closed doors till they were just ajar. The two of them made their way into the quiet room, filled with the sound of running water. It smelled like earth and flowers in here, and Botan immediately bent down to take off her boots and socks. The lighting was dim, the only light coming in through the glass ceiling, and she rolled up her leggings before she padded with bare feet through the grass. A fountain was calling to her, and she sat down with her feet in the water.
It was cool and calm, and she leaned back in the grass and stared up at the sky through the glass ceiling. Botan reached out one hand for it, staring at the clouds through the gaps in her fingers, and tried to breathe through the twisting emotions in her chest as Ahsoka joined her. For a long time, the two initiates laid there, staring up at the sky and the star destroyer drifting by over their heads, blocking out the moon, and then, Ahsoka spoke.
"What do you think your master's going to be like?"
"I hope they're fun," Botan replied, and Ahsoka nodded a few times.
"I hope mine is wise," she said, and Botan smiled. "And fun, too. But, kind. I hope they're kind."
"I hope mine is kind," Botan said, and Ahsoka kicked her feet a little in the water, sending ripples spreading over Botan's ankles and disturbing the quiet.
"I'm sure they will be," Ahsoka said, and Botan smiled.
"I hope we get to go on adventures," Botan said, and Ahsoka nodded.
"I hope so, too. A boring apprenticeship is no apprenticeship at all."
"It would be fun if they were young. I don't think I could see myself with a stuffy older master," Botan said, and Ahsoka nodded.
"Yeah, neither could I," she agreed. "Not saying someone like, uhm, Master Plo or Shaak-Ti are stuffy, but you know."
"Right," Botan said, and Ahsoka was quiet for a few minutes.
"Do you think you'll miss the creche?" Ahsoka asked, and Botan thought about how Saorise snored, and Reem always had a stuffed up nose and spoke so nasally. She thought about the way Vec talked in his sleep, and Hominy was just everything, all the time, with no end in sight. Quartz's migraines that left her laid out on the bed with an icepack on her eyes while the younglings destroyed everything in sight even as she murmured for them to not hit each other. She thought about constant chaos and noise, and---
"A little bit," she admitted, because she would. She would miss all of it, but such was the nature of life. It was an ongoing cycle of endings, and everything had to come to a standstill as it waited for you to move on. This, too, would end. There may come a day where she never got to sneak away to the fountains with Ahsoka to soak her feet in the water. There may come a day when she never got to see Ahsoka again, and that stung, but that was the nature of it all.
That really was the nature of it all.
"Do you think you would change anything?" Ahsoka asked.
"Change anything about what?"
"Just… anything."
"No. You?"
"I would tell them not to go to Geonosis," Ahsoka said quietly, and Botan pursed her lips.
"They were investigating reports of an army."
"Yeah, I know, but… I still would tell them not to go to Geonosis."
Ahsoka was… so young. So innocent and naive, and still so prone to attachments and feeling everything. Botan had long since outgrown that, but she still felt grief. She didn't think you ever aged out of that. And grief was sitting heavily on the temple right now. People on the outside, they didn't think anything of it. They didn't think anything of it all. They just assumed Jedi didn't care, because they had let go of their emotions, but…
But they hadn't.
They hadn't given up their emotions, they just learned how to ride through them.
It was painful, but it was the truth. Would that they could just let them go, but they would become something warped, something unrecognizable if they did. They would just… not be Jedi anymore, that was for sure. Jedi had to care, because that was all they had in the galaxy. They had this temple, these things, the clothes on their backs and the lightsabers at their hips, but that was it. That was all they possessed in the world, that and their capacity to care about other people, their capacity for kindness and compassion.
Ahsoka was well on her way to becoming a great Jedi. Of that, Botan was certain. Botan was less sure of her own path in life, though. She just wanted to be a decent person, if she was being honest, and making the most of this second chance she had been given.
She didn't want to be a hero.
She just wanted to help people, and be kind.
She thought that was a reasonable goal to have, but she wasn't sure that she could be kind to a Separatist. Not after Geonosis. Not after what they had done to her people. That was her great failure, if she was being honest. She was loyal to a fault, and loved too deeply, to the point of attachment, and so, so many were dead.
Tan had been kind to her. She hadn't known him well, but he had been kind.
And now he was dead.
She thought of a blonde girl with red eyes, and that wasn't Botan's only death, but it was certainly the one that stuck with her. Children that hadn't deserved the fate they got. Both died in the line of duty, having decided for themselves what was worth dying for, and what was worth living for, when they were too, too young to make that determination for themselves.
She wished she could talk to them, turn back time and tell them ideals were only worth risking your life when you had a bit more experience under your belt. When you had a chance to live it a little longer. She didn't mind so much if she died a second time around. She had a good childhood, which she'd never had before. She had people that loved her, far more than last time. Last time, she had only had her siblings. Not even her parents could love her, though she was sure they caterwauled at her funeral like they video chatted her or something once a week. Or at least had her number.
In any case, she had a good life this time. It would be a shame to see it go, but it would be no great loss. It was average. Uneventful, until now. She could accept her death as readily as she had accepted the last one.
That was a lie.
She wanted to live, and---
"I'm scared," she said, and Ahsoka stared at her hands flashing in the dim lighting, and then looked back up at the ship hovering over the temple.
"I am, too."
Notes:
and now we get a little more Botan backstory and a bit more Ahsoka!!!
anyway, here's the discord link, bc i cannot remember if i've posted it to this fic or not
https://discord.gg/f6hYwutNMe
Chapter 12Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Ahsoka was leaving, and Botan couldn't help but disapprove of her clothing choices. Ever since her akul hunt, she had decided she was all grown up and therefore needed to wear tube tops. Honestly, that wasn't very much defense at all, and she was about to get shot at. She needed more than that, and Botan was probably just fixating on this because she wanted something to worry about.
Really, she should be more worried about what Ahsoka was doing to her hair. The Togruta had decided that before it was time to leave, she needed to learn how to braid hair, just in case, of course, and could not start with a simple braid. She had settled on some incredibly complex braid pattern, and decided to do it on curly hair, no less, so Botan was sitting there, quietly bearing through the tugs on her scalp as Ahsoka tried to figure it out.
"It's ugly," Ahsoka announced, and Botan stared straight forward as she typed on her bracelet.
"That's probably because you decided to go with complicated," Botan said, and Ahsoka let out a groan and flopped back on the bed.
"No, I did not! This promised it was intermediate!" she protested, and Botan looked over her shoulder at the video playing on the datapad.
"Intermediate IS complicated, bestie," she said, and Ahsoka groaned and scrubbed her hands over her face.
"I don't understand why your grooming routines are so complex, " she whined, and Botan, gracefully, did not point out that this was Ahsoka's idea to begin with.
"Mine aren't. I have three hairstyles," Botan said, because she did. French braid, messy bun, and two messy buns. It used to be more complicated when Quartz had time to do her hair, when she was much smaller, but no one did that anymore.
"Okay, I'm starting over," Ahsoka declared, much to the dismay of Botan's scalp, and sat back up to start undoing the braid and tangling it on her fingers. "It's just so… fibrous."
"Well, that's how hair works," Botan said, bemused, and Ahsoka managed to get it untangled and ran the brush through it, reducing the hair to frizzy fluff that exploded across Botan's shoulders.
"Well, it's stupid," Ahsoka said firmly, and Botan rolled her eyes.
"My beloved, you CHOSE to do this," she said, and Ahsoka smacked her with the brush.
"You're not allowed to take it out for at least three days," she threatened. "I hope you just washed it!"
"I did. And I planned on that," Botan replied, and Ahsoka settled down on the bed, legs braced on either side of Botan's shoulder, satisfied.
"Okay, I'm going to start again," she declared and clumsy fingers tried to plait the strands together. "Why is it so soft?"
"Because I just washed it, probably," Botan said, and Ahsoka paused.
"What?"
"When you wash and condition your hair, it gets soft," Botan explained, and Ahsoka leaned over her head to blink down at her.
"Really?"
"Yes, really."
"Huh."
"Why is this a confusing concept?" Botan asked, amused, and Ahsoka huffed at her.
"Well, it's a new one," she replied, and that was fair. The two of them fell back into companionable silence, and Ahsoka twisted the strands together as she followed the tutorial on the datapad. Botan relaxed the further she got away from tugging on her scalp, and for a long time, the two of them just sat together.
Botan was going to miss Ahsoka. She was going to miss her a lot. She shipped out in six hours, and Botan didn't know what she was going to do with herself while Ahsoka was gone. Botan wouldn't be joining the war effort for another two months, and didn't know how she was going to fill the silence without her. It was going to be lonely. Out of everyone in the creche, Ahsoka was the one she felt closest to. They had been friends since Botan had arrived, and they had grown ever closer as the years passed. It was going to be quiet without her, and not in a soothing way.
Botan hoped the war wouldn't change her too much. She didn't know what she would do if the war changed either of them. It would be… probably too much to lose, actually. She wanted Ahsoka to remain the same as she was, right now, and it was a selfish thought, because war changed everyone. Ahsoka was assigned to the 501st and Anakin Skywalker, and Botan didn't want her to change, being on the front lines like that. An attack legion, no less, and Botan knew she had been assigned there because she was the best of the best. She had natural instincts you just couldn't teach, and that couldn't be entirely blamed on the Force. Botan's own instincts were a result of the hard, tired, relentless work of her past life, and she knew she would eventually reach her peak. She was strong in the Force, yes, but that was it. She needed to be more than that.
And, her instincts from her past life hindered her far more than they helped her. She was more likely to throw a blow than swing a lightsaber. Even now, she still recalled the memory of bashing a woman's head in with fists and grit and determination alone, with the help of some brass knuckles. At the end of the day, the brass knuckles had been way more of her quirk than her actual quirk.
Violence like that wasn't acceptable in a Jedi. She hadn't been mad, or scared when she did it, but she did take it a step too far, though in the circumstances, she took it just far enough.
She didn't like that side of her, anyway. She knew what she was capable of. She knew very well. She knew she was capable of great cruelty, and she was just… going to choose to not be. State sanctioned violence wasn't really her thing, anyway. It was good to know what you were capable of. You had to live with it, and she had been given a second chance to be a kinder, softer version of herself. A more complete person.
She wasn't going to waste it.
Ahsoka pulled a bit too hard on her hair, and Botan winced.
"Is it tender?" Ahsoka asked, mystified, and Botan winced again as she tugged one more time.
"Don't do it to CHECK!" Botan typed out angrily, and Ahsoka had the audacity to laugh at her.
"I'm not!" she said, and tugged again.
"Knock it off, or I make you stop," Botan threatened, even though she wouldn't.
"You won't," Ahsoka said warmly and proceeded with the braiding efforts, blissfully leaving Botan's scalp the fuck alone, and Botan settled back down, wary now, though she could do nothing to stop her. "But, really, is it tender?"
"Yes. If you get in a bar fight with a Human, pull their hair. Hard."
"What would you know about bar fights?" Ahsoka asked, and Botan had a flashback to---
Actually?
She wasn't going to think about that.
"Holos have to be accurate about SOMETHING, and I'm putting my money on the drinking," Botan replied, and Ahsoka snorted.
"I think you watch too many of those," she said, warm, and Botan rolled her eyes as Ahsoka tied off the first braid and got to work on the second.
"No, I don't."
"Yes, you do."
"Why are you arguing with me when you're going to be gone in just a few hours?" Botan asked, and that was probably the wrong thing to say, because Ahsoka's hands stilled in her hair.
"Are we going to talk about it?" Ahsoka asked, and Botan was quiet.
She never got the chance to tell Rei how she really felt about them. Never got to tell Hizashi how much she appreciated him. She was still a coward in many ways, and didn't really want to do it, but she was going to have to find her courage somehow.
"I'm about to type a lot, hold on," Botan said, and Ahsoka was quiet as Botan's fingers tapped out the words she wasn't brave enough to sign. Ahsoka's hands were still and warm on Botan's scalp, and Botan swallowed around her feelings as she typed out everything she was glad she couldn't say out loud.
"I think you're the kindest person I know, and I don't want war to change you. Your kindness is like this raging river, and I want you to stay that way. I don't want to wake up one day and realize my best friend is unrecognizable. War… war changes so much. It makes you bitter, and angry, and you're probably going to ask how I know that, but you'll just have to trust me. It makes you want to burn the world down just to get some peace and quiet. It makes you want to hate every paper pusher, every person that ordered you out into the trenches from the safety of their own homes, and it makes you realize the darkest sides of yourself as people die all around you, people you cared about, but they never gave a damn about. It's terrible, and ugly, and you come out of it changed, and this is selfish of me to ask, but don't change. By all means, become wiser, become older, become kinder, but don't change. Don't let them take that away from you."
Ahsoka was silent in the wake of that, and Botan stared down at the flagstone floor, barely breathing. She knew the politicians didn't care. She knew they couldn't give less of a damn about them, and she knew that was true and fact. It was just how it was. The commission hadn't cared about heroes, either. They were just yen signs to them, money in the bank account. The corruption had reached a peak, and everything the Chairwoman did to make it stop made it worse. That was why she fell. Because she couldn't change anything, and the difference between her and Chancellor Palpatine was that Palpatine actually wanted the war, wanted the violence, to what end, Botan didn't know, but she heard his private conversations. She knew he wanted this more than anyone else, all while he decried it in public and promised they would find peace.
None of them cared, but they couldn't let that change them.
They had to still care. They had to choose to do the right thing, even though the right thing was impossible to find in the darkness.
"I promise," Ahsoka said quietly, and her hands picked up the tails of the strands and resumed braiding. "I promise I will do my best to stay me. But, you have to promise, too."
"I promise," Botan said, and Ahsoka audibly swallowed behind her.
"All we have is our kindness," Ahsoka said softly. "I won't give that up for anything."
That was true.
All they had was their kindness.
Botan was going to defend that kindness with every fiber of her being, because she had stared a world without it in the face, and she had decided she didn't want it. She had stared at evil, so wrapped up in itself and its principles and wants and selfish desires, and decided it wasn't worth it.
She didn't want to live in a galaxy without kindness.
This world was a lot bigger than the world she had come from, and she… she… she didn't want to go through that again. That moment where she nearly lost herself to senseless violence for the sake of violence, that desire to beat someone down until they just stopped moving, that desire to win. Because how you won mattered. It mattered.
She had done a lot of terrible things in the name of propping up the status quo and protecting people. And she wasn't going to be doing it again.
Notes:
i really do adore Ahsoka. also, i have a three day weekend, so guess what that means bestiiieeessss