I was trying to sleep until I noticed something disturbing my feelings are strange. I hardly feel anything all the time, so I hadn't noticed how off everything is.
From minor moments of annoyance, irritation, and anger, to the intent and desire to kill, like with those "little punks" where I thought about killing them and almost did.
Isn't that just too weird? Why am I, someone who is usually so apathetic about feelings, having these kinds of thoughts and not even realizing it? Why is everything so strange? And thinking about this, I remember the nightmare I had that was induced by a monster.
And with that, I arrive at a bizarre answer if monsters can induce others to do or feel things, then why the hell can't demons do the same if they're more powerful?
There's nothing saying Hexael can't be manipulating me it's a fact that all these negative feelings are not normal for me to have. Something isn't right with my head.
It's always when Hexael is around whenever he's around, bad emotions hit me. When I'm 100% alone, I act like my usual self. But when Hexael is around, a flood of bad feelings arises.
And I never noticed because I've never been one to feel many emotions, so when bad feelings suddenly came up, it didn't seem like a big deal. But is it really normal for me to be thinking about ripping someone's fingers off?
It's obvious that's abnormal for the type of person I am. And doing that thing of throwing a bucket on that girl's head okay, I was being malicious and didn't feel anything about it.
But to begin with, why did I think about hurting her instead of just humiliating her with the water? That's so abnormal, and I hadn't noticed before. I'm almost certain this demon is doing something to my head.
Making me minimize the weight of my actions, making them seem smaller than they really are. That girl could have died, and the gravity of the situation finally hits me.
I'm acting exactly how that cat wants me to with unchecked malice and cruelty, something my sister would obviously hate. It's only by thinking of my sister that I can notice this incongruence.
I never considered this hypothesis that he's been toying with my perception of right and wrong, reducing the weight of my actions to make them seem less than they are.
I could have killed someone. That almost happened I nearly took other people's lives. I know I wouldn't have felt much about it, and I'm even willing to kill if it helps my sister. But what's frightening is knowing I'm doing this against what I want.
I don't just want to go around killing people, even if it helps my sister. And even if it did help her, I'd see other options instead of something so radical and with so many chances of going wrong.
"Haaa...haaa..." I breathe heavily in bed, going after my clothes even though they're wet. I had washed them and gone to sleep, but that's when I noticed this strange fact.
I grab the wet clothes and put them on anyway. They're cold, very cold, and my body trembles as soon as they make contact, since my skin seems quite sensitive. But I'd rather focus on what's important right now.
"Hexael, show up now!" I speak to him even though he's not here I know he'll appear if I call him.
"Is there a problem, Setsuna?" A cat enters through the door, pausing to lick its fur without looking at me, as if not doing anything out of the ordinary, even though it's been playing with my emotions.
"You...you're messing with my head. What did you do to me?" I question him. Whether he responds or denies it, it's a fact that this is abnormal for me.
"Oh? You noticed, impressive," he says, stopping his grooming and looking at me with a strange smile.
"What did you do to me," I repeat, wanting him to just spit it out instead of fooling around. This moment itself is an example in the past, I wouldn't have cared so much, but now I'm bothered.
"Simple, I'm just helping you let loose a bit. I knew you'd be too focused on your sister and not do many bad things, fearing it would affect your relationship with her," he says, as if it's no big deal.
"You...you're breaking the only moral compass I have, just to satisfy yourself!" I say, annoyed that he's been playing with my mind since I came back, and I didn't even know it.
"Don't be so dramatic, Setsuna. It's not that bad. It's not like I can do much it's just a little help, I'm just freeing up your emotions a bit," he says.
"Help!? Should I thank you? I almost killed people. I don't think making someone have murderous thoughts is just a little help," I say. In the past, I never would have had thoughts of killing and torturing people.
If he can do this to me, how trustworthy is he, really? And how much of what he says is true, and how much is a lie?
"Okay, sorry, Setsuna. Maybe I've done a few things, but it's not like I've added stuff to your head I just kinda incited your 'repressed feelings' a bit to help," he says.
"...Great partner I got," I know I can't trust him. I was foolish to forget he's a demon. I need to be more careful and think two or four times if an idea is really something I want, or something induced by the demon.
"Hihihihihihi...HAHAHAHAHA!" The cat laughs maniacally to himself as he approaches, seeming to find the situation hilarious.
"Are you mad? Haha, this is hilarious," he says, breaking his facade of falsehood. I look at him seriously, deciding to just sigh no use arguing.
He's a demon, a supernatural being I don't even know the origins of. It was foolish of me to let my guard down and not notice how abnormal it is for me to think about killing, no matter the reason.
His ability to mess with others is undeniably incredible, far superior to my own capacity to try to deceive others. I barely noticed I was being deceived, even with the signs blatantly in my face.
I only have my sister to thank it was thanks to her and the nightmare I had that I noticed how strange this all is.
"Setsuna, you're really fast. My previous contractor took a month to notice the changes, and you noticed in days. It's like you're not even half a week into our contract."
'Previous...I wonder what happened to that previous "contractor" of his. It must not have been a good fate,' unfortunately, knowing he's doing something doesn't help me stop him from doing it.
My power comes entirely from him, everything I have depends on this demon and the favors he does for me. I hate to admit it, but without him, I'm nothing, and currently, everything I have depends on him.
"Hexael, better never affect my sister, or I swear you'll regret the day you helped me go back in time," I say in the most serious tone I can muster.
"Of course, I'd never do anything to your sister, Setsuna. You're special. I can promise you this I don't want your harm. If I did, I wouldn't be here with you. I may not be reliable, but I can guarantee I'm here to help you," he says.
"It's up to you to believe that. You made a contract with a demon without even caring about the consequences. You no longer have the right to complain or say anything about it," Hexael says, throwing in my face that I didn't even ask about the rules of our agreement.
"You're right, but I don't regret it," It's undoubtedly uncomfortable to know he's messing with my head and the rare emotions I can feel. But I would accept the contract again if offered.
"Hmm, my previous contractor tried to kill me when they found out. You're just so perfect for the role, hehehe," Hexael says maliciously as he climbs onto one of the furniture pieces.
"Well, I think we've resolved this issue, don't you think, Setsuna? I won't stop influencing you to do evil. It's up to you to resist it or give in to the evil, as I want," he says.
"After all, it all depends on your choices. I'm not taking away your free will, I'm just giving a little push in the direction I want, and you're accepting that little push to save your beloved sister."
'He's right.' It's me who decides whether I'll be evil. So far, I've been able to stop and haven't done anything reckless. I haven't killed anyone, and although I've done some bad things, I'm still acceptable to my sister.
And that's all that matters. She doesn't need to know about these things. I'll just hide it all forever. I just have to be as careful as possible to not do what I shouldn't.
Maybe I should write down the most unusual variations that occur in me and the fluctuating emotions? Or should I do a more clinical analysis of what I'm truly feeling at the moment?
Regardless of the choice, I'll think about it later. It may be uncomfortable, but I won't do anything about it now.
"I'm going back to sleep. It's cold, and I ended up wearing the wet dress. I also need to check on my sister tonight, so I need to be rested," I say, wanting the cat to leave while the cold finally hits me.
The cat leaves the room as I decide to sleep in the wet dress anyway. After all, the door was locked, and he still opened it. Plus, the dress is more cold than wet, so I can handle it.