14 October 2013
It has been a week since I last saw Sam.
How am I feeling? Shitty. Miserable. And painfully aware that I'm the problem. My therapist made sure that I got that point across.
Turns out, I'm intense and I love in extreme which could come off scary to people.
Ms. Adams- my therapist, insists that this distance will do us some good in the long run.
But seeing you today in your office, Sam?
Yeah… I'm not convinced.
It's not like I can't be away from you. I just don't trust that anyone can look after you better than me. So, I have trust issues, who doesn't?
You've lost weight, darling.
Your skin looks dry, heavy bags under your eyes- utter lifeless.
Your whole aura felt dimmed.
And even though my absence is the first thing I want to blame, I know it isn't that.
The kids weren't there with you today. Am I wrong, Sam? They make your day have meaning, don't they?
Am I wrong to assume that my sudden promotion robbed you, of all the fun that you find in shaping this world? Teaching.
Your place is not behind a desk and a tie. You crave community. You wish to be seen by them, don't you? You feel lost without them because they are who you wished to be before life showed you it's colours. They are versions of you. Versions you aspire to be.
So, how can I not love them all?
Still, seeing you like that today… Dejected and soulless. It made me brave enough to approach you. You see, I too have a purpose in this life, my dear. Your happiness.
I spent three hours trying to find the right words for that letter, only to cave and ask ChatGPT for help in the end because my brain felt like mashed potatoes. With only- I love you - in my mind.
That week away didn't help a thing!
I don't remember much of what I wrote on that card or how the flowers were arranged,
but I remember your smile. I have seen that smile before.
It stopped my world before.
It saved me from ruin before.
It's what makes me want to do everything I can to protect it.
The way that smile bloomed so suddenly, like a sun flare.
I wanted to freeze time, help you stay wrapped in that moment of the happiness I gave you, for even a tad bit longer.
You twirled around in your chair like a kid on Christmas morning.
Then you smelled the flowers, closed those heavy brown eyes for a few seconds, Your face- a reflection of bliss...
And then you ran.
So fast that I had to assess threats behind you just to make sure.
What did you see, Sam?
What made you move like that?
I wonder… when you close your eyes, what do you see?
Because when I close mine? It's only you.
I didn't follow you to the center today. Are you proud of me?
But I did donate to the kids' health care and scholarships.
Anonymous, of course.
I'm still not ready to be known. Baby steps.
I heard from the security guys that Sally brought you dinner when she dropped her kids off. It was your favorite even. Lasagna.
And she stayed longer than usual today. Should I be worried, Sam? Will she be a problem?
But, I really hope you enjoyed it.
Anyway, what will you be having for lunch tomorrow?
I'll be making fries with fried chicken.
I hope you like it.