7 October 2013
It's a little past four now.
Just a few hours since the last entry and I'm dead tired but, I still can't sleep.
I'm getting more and more anxious by the minute. My head can't stop blaming me for my decisions and my heart? Let's just say for once in forever- they formed a pact to drive me insane.
This here, was supposed to feel normal to me. The insomnia, being absolute, the emptiness- But, no. Things have changed. I have changed. I now have dreams with clear skies and birds... I have cravings of different kinds of foods. Did you know that I can paint?
Sleep used to come easier ever since I met him.
I took a cold bath today. Twice.
Did some yoga. Tried meditating…
I even went out for a stroll earlier, and somehow the air outside smelled like him. It could be my fever playing tricks on me, but I even felt his warmth in that cold - sadly the rain didn't feel the same. It just made me wet and more sick.
I've never felt more alone than I do now. My fever won't let up, and my heart aches for a guy who wants a future with a fake-boobed Sally. What did I do to deserve this?
Grandma, only you know how easy it is to lose something that matters the most. Does it get any easier?
Can I even survive him?
I called someone over for company, but at this rate, I might as well just drive to his apartment for a bit of sleep. My head will explode if this keeps up.
I don't know much about addiction, but I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to indulge yourself.
But Sam?
My Sam. Oh, beautiful Sam.
He made sure that I would never wish for anybody else. Even when I can't have him.
Sam, you ethereal being sent on earth to torture me whole.
Can I have a moment of peace? Just one. Far away from you.
Lord, he's not playing fair with my little heart.
He's everywhere I look, in every face I see but nobody feels like him.
You think I should talk to my therapist?
And tell her what? That I just had my heart broken from an unrequited love?
And risk her quitting on me?
Or worse- sending me right back to the asylum!
No. no. NO! You have to help me grandma. Don't let me fade like my Dad. Don't push me away like Mom...
I need you now.
I need you here with me.
It hurts, grandma. So much that I can't describe the pain. Does this mean that it will never heal?
So, should I just accept being a second option to him? How is that fair?
It's degrading. It's painful. It's chilling.
But he feels like home, Grandma.
Warm. Loving. Reliable. Isn't that what we all want from life?
Lord, why is it that the one thing that's making me feel alive… feels so wrong?