"Appa! Come here!"
I woke up at the sound of a boy yelling. Sweat glued my back to the living-room floor of my 35-pyeong Yongsan apartment. The air-con had died sometime after midnight; the room was a sauna, 32 degrees Celsius, humid enough to choke on. I sat up and looked around for Jae-min.I looked everywhere in the apartment. It was empty. It always was.
I saw only the ceiling fan clicking uselessly above me, pushing hot air in slow circles. Empty soju bottles condensed on the floor like they were the only things breathing in the room. The stench was unbearable. I had to open the window to let this out. It might drive my pain away ,too. Once I looked out, the sun was rising, vivid red with orange light driving the darkness into bareness. An early morning breeze cooled my body and the room. Outside, a kid skipped ahead of his father, laughing. What I couldn't drive away kept being with me and amplified more as I heard them. Suddenly, my head hurt like there was something poking my brain directly. I had to close the window as if my inner demon wouldn't be able to come in.
The digital clock on the floor read 05:35, Monday. I went to the kitchen. I popped a bunch of pain-killers and drank straight from the fridge like I hadn't tasted water in days. I picked a water bottle and went out of that sorry ass house with no one present but me. All this money and no one left to spend it on. To avoid any more depression.
I looked at the calendar on the wall. There was a red circle, marked around the 13th of May and "A medical check up" was written under the circle. Looking at that reminded me of yesterday after visiting the church - calling prosecutor Kang to inform about her power not working on me. Immediately, she wanted to have me scheduled for a medical check up on Monday afternoon.
Then ,the phone rang as I called the commissioner of Yongsan police department.
The phone buzzed again before I could even set it down.
"Captain Kim. A personal day on Monday? Already approved."
His voice was softer than usual.
"Sir, I haven't even—"
"You don't have to. Choi Sun-ho came to see me two weeks ago. Stood in my doorway like a man asking for a funeral leave. Said, 'Sir, the next time Captain Kim asks for even half a day off, give it to him. No questions. I'll cover every shift, every weekend, every corpse in this city if I have to. I told Sun-ho the leave would be open-ended from now on. Take as many days as you need, Hyun-su. Just come back breathing."
The line went dead.
I stared at the black screen.
Choi hadn't said a word to me about it.
Of course he hadn't.
Choi Sun-ho had my back long before the badge. Same college, same draft notice, same freezing barracks in 1994. He stood beside me at my wedding and cried harder than I did when she said yes. Every time I tried to drink myself dead after she left with Jae-min, he dragged me out of the bar by bar, paid the tab, and never once said "I told you so." He never asked for anything back. That's why the commissioner's words hurt worse than any knife. Because the only other person who ever tried to carry me is the same one who just booked me a day off for me without saying a word.
I snapped out of the past memory with the sound of the pigeon frying into my window and banging its head. I opened the window to see what happened but what I saw was unforgettable. It twitched its whole body like it was electrocuted and soon stopped. I looked at it, not with empathy but rather, with pity. It flew right into a danger like he couldn't see the wall. My apartment was filled with loneliness and even death. I felt like I was trapped in this cell called my life. I had to go, go anywhere to forget about this.
I jogged to Han river park. I was gasping for air while keeping my composure. This pain of not being able to breathe was nothing compared to what I felt every morning - seeing my empty apartment, meant for four people. I saw people passing by, women walking with their dogs, men drunk and sleeping on the side of the road, pigeons waddling crossing the road, and cars going slow as the traffic continued.
I arrived at Han river. I stood at the edge of the path, chest heaving, sweat mixing with something wet on my cheeks that wasn't sweat. Families jogged past. Couples biked. Dogs barked. The scar throbbed like it wanted to scream for them. I turned around and jogged back home. Some wounds only bled harder in the open air.
I arrived at my place, still too big for me and the fan was still humming on the wall. This place, I wanted to live with my ex and son. They would have been thrilled and happy but here I was, still all alone sweating.
At the dressing room, I grabbed a towel and underwear, then undressed completely. I entered the bathroom, and then took a shower. The water scalded my skin, but the scar stayed cold. I came out from the shower and looked in the mirror. Minor scars - too many to count. But the one that mattered wasn't there.
Eleven centimeters deep, one centimeter from the heart.
The knife went in 1999. The one that broke my marriage and took my son away.
Later, I took my car from the parking lot at my apartment. I started the engine of my car; a Hyundai Grandeur 2005 model, to go to the hospital. It hummed like a projector at the precinct. It was built to be a family-friendly car but I was all alone in this brand new car. Driving it gave me a glimpse of happiness, imagining me riding in a car with my ex wife and my son. A future that wouldn't come any time soon or never. I saw a busy street with many suits standing in line for lunch with umbrellas, Mothers walking down the street with their children, and old people sitting on the bench in the bus stop. I saw a city full of tired, depressed faces. Amongst them, some had blank smiles that I saw in the church. I could not let this happen on my watch.
I arrived at the hospital where prosecutor Kang told me about. She was already there, and looked colder than before.
"Were you always acting even before thinking about the risk you might face?" Her voice was colder than I could ever have imagined.
"I was just-"
"Clearly you don't because if you did, you will send me a report so that I can make a warrant or at least assess the danger you will bring to the case that we are working on together." She was beating me down with words - cold yet nothing I couldn't agree more.
"Yes. I know and knew that. But I had to. I need to know how she does it. If we get a warrant, she might not be there." I said it with a strong conviction.
She sighed. "There is no point talking about it- it already happened. Follow me. I will lead you the way."
After going through all the tests, I was at the doctor's office with prosecutor Kang.
"Let's see. I see you have suffered a lot of physical trauma but this is expected from your occupation. Nothing major that can affect your immediate health. But I advise you to take a rest more often. The tox test came in clean except it shows you had a lot of tylenol. Is there anything painful or stressful? According to the chart, there shouldn't be anything to hurt you." The doctor said, staring at me like how I interrogate criminals.
"I pop them whenever I have a headache. That's it."
"You should stop having them like candy." He sighed and continued, "your health seemed fine. Every physical trauma healed perfectly but left a lot of scars in your body. I recommend you to take a rest when you have a headache." I looked at prosecutor Kang."You don't need to worry about anything. I wouldn't tell anybody about your boyfriend."
"He's not." She said with a harsh and cold tone. "He is just my partner in one case and any other hospital might blow this case into rubble if word gets out."
"Okay." His voice was a bit stuttered. "Fine. I need to get a real patient soon. I will not talk about this again so don't worry."
"You better be,"
We left the hospital. While I moved to the parking lot to pick up my car, she said, "Today, I apologize for what I said, implying that you acted like an amateur. I stepped into your boundary." She apologized with a still cold voice but a hint of kindness.
I looked at her for a long second.
"Don't worry, Prosecutor. The only person who's ever been able to hurt me already left the country 6 years ago."