"No!" I woke up to the sound of rain hitting the window, sighed as I realized I just had a nightmare. I looked around as if to make sure: high white ceiling, sound of air conditioning working hard, and feeling the drench of sweat on the bed. A single white envelope waited on the nightstand. In Min-jae's handwriting: To Deputy Prosecutor Kang Eun-kyung, my dearest sister. A tear came down from my right eye.I wrapped my arms around my own shoulders, hugging the ghost who wasn't there. I whispered 'I'm sorry' to the empty room until my throat bled.
I put my bed sheet and blankets in the basket at the laundry room then went to the dressing room. The full-length mirror caught me before I could look away.I went close to the mirror, putting my right hand on it. All I saw was a woman drowning in guilt, something I wanted to avoid and something I couldn't get rid of.
I picked up my underwear and towel and went to the bathroom.I turned on the shower, ice-cold, trying to trade the pain inside for pain on my skin. It didn't work. Nothing ever does. I cried hard as if the sound of a shower could mask my sobs.
I came out of the shower, looking at the mirror, one final time. What I saw was a woman in self-pity. This was why I hated weekends. Silence lets the dead speak.
I went to the study room. A white wall on the left side, a projector on the ceiling facing the white wall and laptop on the table in the middle, connected to the projector. I turned it on as the projector shined on the wall, showing the wallpaper of my laptop; a picture of me and my half brother in an amusement park. I smiled a bit. What an eventful day that was. It was our first visit there due to our father not allowing us to go. A roller coaster, viking, and parade. We watched fireworks until late at night. My smile suddenly turned to cold stare and opened a file: The church of harmony.
The Projector hummed as I showed the chart on the white wall.
On the top, there was Dr.Lee's picture, a gentle smile surrounded by people.
I started talking like I was filling the empty apartment.
I clicked the side note.
"Subject: Lee Min-hee.
Born 17 May 1975
The same day I came into this world screaming in a Gangnam maternity ward while you were born in a fishing village clinic. Same day. Different hells. Her childhood is still a mystery to me. A child without formal education goes to one of the most prestigious universities, Seoul national university. After finishing her PhD, she opened her own office. With her youth, fame and beauty, she had many clients - even amongst chaebals. I still hear about people going to the church, just to receive her therapy."
Under Dr.Lee's photo, there were three pictures, Lee min-uk, Kim byung-jun, and Lee Hyun Suk.
I hovered the cursor over to the side note of Lee min-uk.
"Father of Lee Min Hee. Living in the Church of Harmony dormitory. Former fisherman. Chronic alcoholic. Wife found hanged in the kitchen, 1989. An autopsy showed her years of beating. Case closed as suicide. No charges. Now, working as the leader of an addiction center run by the church of Harmony, claiming that his daughter, even after all the torture he put her on, she forgave him and helped him conquer his addiction." I almost threw my mouse at the wall. I had a hard time believing him. "People do not change easily." I talked to myself, even if I go back to the past, I would do the same.
Then, I selected the next side note on Kim Byung-jun.
"The leading pastor of The church of Harmony, the church is under his name since Dr.Lee is not a pastor. He founded the church with Dr. Lee in June 2001. Almost the same date as my promotion.Before that, he was in charge of the church where no one went to jong-ro. He also had few problems with female church goers when he had his own church. Speculation: former therapy patient. No proof. Yet."
I moved the cursor to the last photograph: a young woman in white hanbok, long hair, eyes too calm.
"Lee Hyun-suk. Twenty. Wife of Pastor Kim Byung-jun. Education major at Korea University. All of her colleagues in university said that they've never seen her get mad or go to the club even if others invite her to come instead she always invites them to the church. They said some followed her to the church and now they are calm as well. She also leads the only youth group the church admits to having: 'Mary of Magdala', all-female, invitation only. Doors locked. Windows covered. Members call her 'Sister Maria'.
Members stop speaking to their families after three months.
No one has ever seen what happens inside those meetings except they go through a lot of plastic surgeries, all paid for by pastor kim's private income. This cannot be used for anything. His income is way clean."
I closed my eyes to rest them from lights I saw in the dark. I couldn't connect any of them with any kind of crime. But I have my hunch "There's gotta be something wrong with this church." mumbling as if someone might answer me back.
The kitchen was spotless, like always. No one would mess it up, but me. I poured the coffee, black, no sugar, and set it on the counter. The mug was hot in my hands, but I didn't feel it.
I pulled eggs from the fridge, cracked them into a bowl, whisked them hard, like I could beat the thoughts out of my head. The sizzle in the pan was loud, almost enough to drown the silence. Almost.
"Omurice" I muttered to no one. "Like Min-jae liked."
I even drew ketchup heart on top, the way he begged me to when he was nine.
I made Doenjang-jjigae too, the way my mother taught me when I was nine. "A woman keeps a man with her cooking" She used to say, smiling at father like he was still worth keeping.
Chuckled a bit. Reminded me of my kind yet fragile mom wondering if she was married due to her cooking or her kind heart, rarely seen in Chaebal families.
Doen jang jjigae was ready to eat, pouring it into a two soup bowls.
On the table, I was laying down two sets of utensils, two spoons and two sets of chopsticks. I picked two bowls
What was I doing? Cooking like I still had him.
The bowl slipped from my fingers and shattered. Brown broth spread across the white marble floor like the night he was gone.
I sank to my knees in it and whispered, "I am sorry again."
I saw the masses I made. "Gotta clean this." I spoke like there was someone watching.
I used a broom to gather everything together, put it in the garbage bin and wiped the floor with kitchen paper, texting my maid to warn about the shards when she threw away garbage.
As soon as I laid down my phone on the table, it rang. The ringtone was the children's song Min-Jae sang off-key the night before he was gone. I saw the phone screen; not saved and unknown number.
I picked it up.
"This is deputy prosecutor Kang speaking. Who am I talking to?"
"This is Captain Kim Hyun-su from the violent crime division from Yongsan. I just walked out from the church of harmony." Before he continued what he was saying, I responded. "Are you out of the mind? What were you thinking, captain? You could have jeopardized the entire case." I was angry. How could he be so careless about the danger he just faced?
"I know. But listen to me, prosecutor Kang. Whatever she is doing to the people, it does not work on me." I was stunned. How and why? I had to check.
"I will send a text to you with an address. Meet me there on Monday morning before you go to work.." I immediately hung up and sent him the address of the Hospital that one of my cousins was running. One of the finest in South Korea. Then I texted him, saying that I needed him to medical check on a person but off the record. He agreed to do it.
I set the phone down beside the second bowl I never filled.
Steam still rose from the omurice, the ketchup heart already bleeding into the rice.
I couldn't eat much. The rest of them I put in a refrigerator, texted to my maid that she could have it if she would. I went out to the gym; to empty my emotions and to beat what might come in the future.