the twins just turned thirteen months and they're walking like tiny drunk zombies on a mission
they can reach anything under four feet now
which in royal terms is basically everything that matters
this morning is the "second global werewolf security summit"
(the first one ended with the original pee throne incident that broke the internet for a week)
regulus is traumatized
he personally inspected the throne at 5 a.m.
sprayed it with three different disinfectants
put five layers of military-grade waterproof padding
sniffed every inch like a bloodhound
even taste-tested a corner "just to be sure"
"clean. we're safe this time."
famous last words in this palace
he walks in looking like absolute power incarnate
silver-white hair perfect
nine-moonstone crown gleaming
robe flowing like liquid starlight
scepter in one hand
imperial seal hanging from his neck
sits down
S Q U I S H
warm
very warm
immediately spreading
his face does that slow-motion "something is wrong" sequence
first confusion
then dawning horror
then forced royal composure
he convinces himself it's sweat
because he's nervous
because he's the king
kings sweat sometimes right?
he clears his throat
"fellow alphas… regarding the northern border situation—"
shifts slightly
SQUELCH
even warmer
the padding is failing
the warmth is now a puddle
a very fresh puddle
global live stream is running in 32K
billions watching
chat explodes in 0.3 seconds
"ROUND TWO BABY"
"HE'S IN THE SOUP AGAIN"
"it's steaming i can see steam"
regulus still in denial
"apologies… i appear to be… perspiring heavily today"
he keeps talking
voice only cracking twice
the kids have been hiding behind the throne for twenty minutes waiting for this exact moment
aiden pops up first
crown crooked on his head
grinning like a tiny gremlin
"DADDY WARM CHAIR!!!"
aurora appears holding an empty sippy cup like a trophy
"WE MADE HOT HOT FOR DADDY!!!"
damon and luna stand up on the armrests
proud as hell
"PEE PEE SURPRISE!!!"
regulus looks down
sees the yellow lake he's sitting in
smells it
feels it soak through five layers of royal silk
face journey:
red → white → green → purple → accepts fate
he tries to stand
kids push him back down with all their combined thirty kilos of toddler strength
"DADDY SIT!!!"
SQUELCH
deeper
now it's up to his waist
luna, not done, adds a fresh warm stream for good measure
top-up service
regulus voice goes full squeak
"thank you luna that's… very thoughtful"
the alphas in the room are dying
one vomits from laughing
another is filming with shaking hands
someone in the back faints
chat is pure chaos
"FRESH REFILL"
"LUNA IS MVP"
"the king is marinating"
regulus finishes the entire 40-minute summit
sitting in a puddle of his own children's warm pee
thinking for twenty minutes it was sweat
giving a speech about border security while literally swimming in toddler urine
stands up at the end
robe clinging
pee running down his legs in rivers
crown sideways
face of a man who has seen god and god peed on him
"meeting… adjourned"
walks out dripping
kids chasing after him cheering
"DADDY WET AGAIN!!!"
he gets to the bedroom
lies face-down on the bed
robe still dripping
voice muffled into the pillow
"i sat in warm pee for forty minutes
thinking it was sweat
on global live stream
in front of every alpha on the planet"
i'm crying laughing so hard i can't breathe
"you're the pee throne king now"
he groans
"my legacy is urine"
kids climb on his back
"DADDY PEE PEE CHAIR BEST!!"
he starts laughing
the fully broken laugh
the one where you know the man has accepted his fate
the palace had to replace the throne cushion for the third time this month
the kids got extra cookies for "warming daddy's chair"
regulus showered for two hours
still smells faintly of baby pee
he's given up
just accepts he's the Wet King now
and the world loves him more for it