Lucien Klein
After a few deep and shaky breaths, I finally stood behind my closed door. The idea of opening it for someone I've been waiting for years felt unreal, like all those quiet days of aching and all those nights spent replaying every "what if" had finally stopped. For weeks I'd lived in hope for one text that could make my heart stumble, a memory that felt close enough to touch, the dull, secret throb of wanting something I couldn't quite believe I was allowed to have. Now every bit of hope and fear I'd tried to hold apart crashed together in my chest, so heavy it was hard to breathe, waiting to see what waited for me on the other side.
My hands wouldn't stop shaking as I reached for the handle, rehearsing a half smile to atleast look casual or natural.. anything but desperate. Inside, my nerves were in chaos. Anticipation swirling with anxiety and longing within me. I wondered if he could sense it.
I was ready, I told myself, though the truth was I didn't really know what ready was supposed to feel like. All I knew was the ache in my chest and the quiet voice that insisted on hope. Ready or not, I was here, for him.. for Kaius. I wanted him to step inside, to see the scattered pieces of my life, to find a place in the mess I'd kept just for him.
I barely had time to think about what I would say, what words might possibly be enough. For a split second, I even wanted to laugh at myself at how ridiculously excited I felt like a lovesick teenager waiting for his crush in the doorway. But I didn't get the chance. Before I could exhale and even before I could greet him, the world seemed to tilt on its axis.
Kaius moved behind me with a sudden sharp urgency that rooted me to the spot, my body forgetting how to move as I could only stand there and turn toward him. His eyes caught mine, wild and too bright, a mix of fear and courage and something raw that made my breath halt.. all of it flickering in the dim light like a flame about to either burn out or blaze higher. For one stunned heartbeat I just stared, the air thick between us, and then before my mind could catch up he closed the distance between us in a single step as his lips crashed into mine. The force of it steals every thought and leaves only the rush of him.
The kiss stole away my breath.
The first touch was so quick it almost didn't feel real. I barely had time to notice how soft his lips were against mine before everything inside him seemed to snap loose. That light brush turned sharp and full as urgency rushed in, closing the last bit of space between us, turning a simple peck into a kiss that stole my breath. The spark I'd tried so hard to bury roared to life, racing through my chest and blooming into something wild I couldn't hold back anymore. His mouth moved over mine with a growing hunger, every press rough with need, every stolen breath a wordless plea not to pull away. His hands clutched at me with a grip that was both fierce and shaking, holding on like I was the only solid thing left in his world, like a drowning man clinging to shore and terrified that if he loosened his fingers even a little, he'd be swept under again.
The moment his arms tightened around me, a sharp jolt shot up my spine, snapping through every wall I'd been holding in place. In an instant, the careful part of me.. the one that always pulled back and always thought twice, went quiet, drowned out by a rush of raw, reckless need that made me lean into him instead of away. The heat of Kaius's touch rolled through me in slow, heavy waves, melting the last bits of resistance until all that was left was the way his hands fit around me and the wild thud of my own heartbeat. My breath hitched, stolen clean out of my lungs by the urgency between us, by the way it felt like he was reaching for me with everything he had. The world outside that small space; the room, the noise, the past, the future, blurred and slipped away, leaving only him.. only us, and the dizzy feeling that nothing else mattered as long as he kept holding on.
All the noise, all the questions, every worry and half-whispered doubt, they are all gone. All that remained was this.. the way he held me as if I was the only thing keeping him afloat, and how that truth set my whole soul on fire. I felt myself slowly slipping, all sense and logic dissolving at the edges. Was I supposed to feel relief, a rush of happiness, or the uncertain flare of fear that always follows something so unexpected? I couldn't decide.. maybe I wasn't meant to. Maybe some moments are meant to be felt, not solved.
For a single, endless heartbeat, I simply stood there, frozen, arms limp at my sides, while Kaius clung to my neck, his lips moving against mine with a kind of desperation, as if breathing had become impossible anywhere else. The world narrowed to the trembling space between us, and in that raw closeness, I let everything else fall away.
Then I heard it.. a fragile whimper, broken at the edges.. and my mind shattered. Months of restraint and caution, dissolved in an instant. Instinct took over. My hands moved on their own, sliding around Kaius's waist, drawing him closer until all our rough edges pressed together. The room blurred, reality narrowing down to breath and heat and the desperate friction of two people trying to weld themselves back together.
Our kisses grew rougher and more reckless, washing away every bit of hesitation. Kaius kissed me as if he'd been starving, as if he'd spent years swallowing desire just to find permission in the curve of my mouth. There was a sharp, aching hunger in every brush of his tongue, every desperate pull at my shoulders; I felt his longing in the way his fingers dug into my skin, in the electricity quivering between us.
I let go. I let myself fall utterly and irreversibly as I swept into the strong feeling of wanting him, unable and unwilling to resist a single moment of it.
For those moments, nothing else mattered. The clock ticking on the wall faded to silence. Even the old, familiar pain that usually lingered at the edges of my heart was nowhere to be found. There was only Kaius and me.. lost and found each other.. two broken souls clinging to the beautiful illusion that love, just this once, might be enough to heal the ache.
Just as I thought I would drown in it all, a flash of memory pierced through the haze. A sharp image of Kaius from days earlier, his eyes devoid of light and voice nothing but an echo of something broken. The jolt was sudden and sobering, forcing a shaky breath past my lips and snapping me back to myself. I pulled away, trembling, my hands uncertain and my heart pounding as I searched his face for the storm I'd only ever sensed from a distance but never truly understood.
"K-Kaius… sorr—" I tried to apologize, my voice broken and uncertain, but the words fell apart between us. He didn't let me finish.. not even for a breath. Instead, he pulled me close again, his grip needing, desperate, as if my mouth was the only safe place left in the world. Kaius kissed me with a fierce, raw longing, and in that urgency, my knees nearly buckled, surrendering to the truth that nothing mattered but being held by him in that moment.
Everything snapped. The restraint I'd spent months building the walls around my heart and all the rules I'd written to protect myself, came crashing down. It was terrifying and freeing all at once, like standing on the edge of something and finally letting myself fall, not caring where I would land. In that moment, consequences faded into insignificance. I stopped caring whether loving him this way was reckless, wrong, or destined to fail.
All I could see was Kaius.. his body trembling against mine, every ounce of desperation and longing and unspoken hurt spilling out in his touch. And I wanted to meet all of it with everything I had.
I hardly noticed we were falling onto the couch until my knees hit the cushions, snapping me back into the rush of the moment. Kaius kept moving, pushing me down with a force that felt like both safety and danger at once, a crash of everything I wanted and everything that scared me. His body stretched over mine, hot and tight, filled with sharp, desperate need. Every part of him shook with a fierce energy that made my heart race so hard it felt like it might bruise me from the inside.
Before I could catch my breath, Kaius kissed me again.. rough, hungry, desperate. We clung to each other like survivors, our hands roaming restlessly, our bodies searching for comfort in the heat of skin and the unspoken need for closeness. There was nothing gentle about it. It was wild, raw, the frantic kind of need that comes from years of longing and deprivation, finally finding something, someone, to quench the thirst. My hands moved over him, memorizing the shape of his body with greedy determination, holding onto him in ways I'd never managed with words. I wanted him to know, through every touch, every trembling caress, just how much he meant to me.. just how much I needed him now.
Then he caught my lower lip between his teeth, a soft, deliberate bite just enough pressure to make my breath hitch instead of hurt, a question more than a claim. The sensation ripped a moan from me, honest and raw. "Fuck," I gasped as I breathed against his mouth, the word shaking as it left me, as if it carried every sleepless night and every almost-confession we had never dared to voice.
Every nerve in my body felt flayed, open, begging for more of him. His rhythm on top of me was chaos. Every shift, every sound, every tremble sent wildfire through me. I wanted to lose myself in him, in the rhythm we found together, in the messy, beautiful proof that we were here. The weight of his palm at my hip, the damp heat of our shared breath. My chest ached with how much I wanted him closer when he was already pressed to me, like there was some space inside my heart only he could fill if he just came a little nearer. The heavy thud of his heartbeat where our bodies met and the wild stutter of mine trying to match it.
His rhythm over me was a beautiful kind of wreck, all uneven pushes and broken breaths, like neither of us could quite remember how to move slowly.
I clung to him, fingers digging into his shoulders, not just to anchor myself but because I was afraid to let go.Under the rush of a desperate, aching relief that we were allowed this one wild, selfish moment. I could feel all the words I'd never said through the way I chased every kiss, the way I trembled and did not pull away.
I wanted to lose myself in him. I wanted to lose the sharp edges of fear and grief that had been living in my chest for so long. In the rough slide of his hands and the pace we found together, there was a messy hope. The world outside disappeared.. even my fears, even my doubts. There was nothing except the two of us, bodies tangled, hearts racing. Our breathing filled the room, a symphony of want and aching vulnerability.
For once, I let myself have it. I let myself go. I let myself believe.
And then it changed.