I guess it was never meant to be. Some people were just never meant to make it far in life i guess. I just wish i wasn't one of them.
But we never get what we want, do we? Me and you, i mean. After all, your reading this. And me? I'm writing this. Anyways. I guess i should start.
I heard my alarm go off this morning. My mother came in and woke me up. I wish that never happened.
I got up this morning. Brushed my teeth, combed my hair, packed my bag, ate my breakfast. How boring. How tiring.
Mornings. So exhausting. I wonder how the dead feel with no more mornings to worry about.
I heard him before i saw him. I didn't have to see. My fathers footsteps were always so loud and cheerful, even in the gods dammed hours of the early morning.
My brother didn't get up. He never does when they call him. He works on his own time on his own life. He'll probably get up when he's had enough sleep. Lucky bitch.
My sister wasn't as difficult. Got up on the third time he said her name. But everyone knows she's just going back to sleep when everyone leaves the house. I'm not as lucky.
I had school. And in the blood sucking morning no less. Seriously, who decided to put school at damn seven in the fucking morning?
Whatever. Not like i get a say in the matter. I had to go. Whether i wanted or not. Sun or rain, wind or hurricane, dead or alive inside, i always i had to go. You did too. Maybe that's why were both screwed.
School was nothing new. It was boring. The day dragged on. The teachers talked and the few friends i had were talking and laughing. Nothing new.
I wonder if its natural to them? To smile and laugh. To live with a reason. To have hopes and dreams. Or maybe their broken too.
I wish i knew. If only to feel. Better or worse it doesn't matter. Either way, at least i played my part well. I smiled at all the right moments and laughed with all my teeth, joked with a cheery tone and played my role well.
Its so draining. To laugh. To smile. To breathe. But i digress. As do we all. Its nothing special.
Its always so good to finally be done. To get away from it all. To get home and hide under the covers. To sit on your phone and distract yourself. Pretend its all okay. I know you do, that's why your here.
That's where i am at least. Under the covers typing.
After school, i went home. I ate my food, and did my homework. Made small talk to family. How repetitive.
But then again, is anything not tiring? Every little task of every little day. Watching from the side of my own life as it takes all of my energy away.
I see myself right there. She's getting in the shower. She's washing her hair. I think she cant see the way she trembles in the cold place. Or maybe she doesn't care for that empty look on her face.
I can hear them talking outside the door. Oh how they think just cause were young we cannot understand their cruel words.
My own mother tells her sister on the phone, "there goes my daughter again. The lazy one whose always in bed. I bet you that she's on her phone again. Why cant she be more like her little sister doing chores or helping me with things?"
Her voice sounds so mad at her again. I wonder if she can hear her own mothers words? She's still just drying her hair. Her hands grabbing her clothes, she looks dead.
I can hear her continue through the thin walls. My mothers melancholy voice sounds like its been rubbed raw. Every little word holds a bit of pure hate.
I'm sitting on bed again. Phone in my hand, i put on my headphones and drown out her complaints. I sit and stare at the 3 paintings on the table. Each one half done, but none are stable.
Its half past five i can hear the door open. Guess my sister is back from school, probably with some new fancy award to show of how she's so capable.
I just turn the volume up. The music is always good at drowning out the happy family outside my home.
I sit and stare at the paintings. The cat in the lake, the girl in the mirror, the hand holding a candle. All just pieces of pencil and paint on paper. A thousand color's, yet none of the canvases are all covered.
I just stare. I don't touch the brushes on the table, or the paint that slowly dries on the same palate it was made on.
The girl at her desk is really something. All these works and not a single one complete. All this paint around her but she just stares at her hands.
She's really useless, isn't she? But can you really blame her? She's picking up her phone. Again.
I wonder when she'll finish those paintings? I hear footsteps outside the door. Someone is saying her name. I can see her brother in the doorway. Here he comes, calling her to dinner.
I turn around when he grabs my headphones. Of course, he's already halfway out the door. Younger siblings i swear.
I get up and follow him out of course. I have to play along. I grin and give chase. He ducks behind my father. Their both laughing so hard trying to keep my headphones away. I feel a warmth in my chest just seeing it. But its so bright and hot it hurts, i wonder if it will hurt them too?
They finally relent when my mother starts setting the table. My sisters right behind her, like the dutiful little angel she is. I sit at the end of the table, slipping my headphones back on as the picture starts to play out again.
There she is again. The girl is there. She's laughing at the table with her family. Her mothers talking to her sister about her new science award. Her father talks to her brother about football.
She listens. She buts in with a question or a joke. She makes them laugh so she smiles. She eats when they eat. Finishes when they finish.
But she was always a beat off from perfection. As her mother talks to her sister and her father to her brother. She pretends she's texting her friends. If only to feel normal.
When they finish i finally get up and start heading back to my room. My sister stops me. She has a huge grin on her face, so i smile and ask her why she's so happy.
"Did you see? I won the school science fair! My teacher said my project was the best she'd ever seen from a girl my age! Isn't that awesome?! I got a trophy and everything! Im gonna be on the news im gonn-"
She talked for so long. I wonder what its like to have something to show for all your work. What its like to seen. To be appreciated. But guess we'll never know.
The girl smiled at her sister. Told her she was proud. That she's great.
I wanted to scream. Why did she get what she wanted? Why wasn't i that smart when i was young?
I had a million things i wanted to say right then. But i didn't. I never do.
Grinning from ear to ear the girl went and helped her sister put the trophy on a shelf. Helped her frame the little certificate she got and helped her write a speech for her school assembly tomorrow.
The girl is a gods dammed helium headed buffoon. She has to finish those paintings before her art teacher snaps at her again.
I was back in my room again. Sitting on the bed again. Staring at those paintings again. Phone in my lap again.
Its one forty seven already. The sun has long set. The laughter has died out. My siblings are asleep down the hallway. So are my parents.
I'm tiered. I'm always tiered. But the night is the only piece i can afford.
Ill finish the paintings tomorrow.
Stupid girl said that every day for a year.
I laid down in my bed. I put my phone on charge and took my headphones off. I pulled up the cover and went to sleep.