Living Room, 2030
"Kids, in the spring of 2007, everything was going great between Robin and me. So we decided to make it even better. We decided to move in together."
Ted Mosby leans back in his armchair with that expression his children know so well: the "this was a mistake, but at the time it seemed like a brilliant idea" look.
"What I didn't know was that my move would trigger a series of events that included: a truck hijacking, a night of laser tag, and the discovery that Lily and Marshall couldn't survive without me. Well, without Alyx too, but mostly without me."
Ted's children look at each other. They know a long story is coming.
Ted's Apartment
Boxes were everywhere. Ted, excited, organized while Robin watched from the sofa.
"So I can have the moving truck here at 8:00," said Ted. "Does that work for everyone?"
The door opened and Barney walked in with an expression of feigned casualness.
"So, what are you doing with Ted's room? Because if you need help with the rent, I'll take it."
"Why would you want to live with us?" asked Lily.
"I don't call what you do 'living.' Here's the deal: I need a room closer to the bar. It takes me exactly 23 minutes to get a girl from the bar to my apartment. A lot can go wrong in 23 minutes."
And he proceeded to demonstrate with an imaginary scenario involving a drunk woman, a cop, and an argument about red lights.
"See? If I had a room here, all I have to do is bring them upstairs. Come on, guys. It'll be great! I'll come in after you're asleep and leave before you wake up."
"So you get to have sex, and we get to wake up to a fox in the morning and kick her out?" asked Lily.
"Exactly."
"No."
While they loaded the truck, Marshall and Lily stayed in the empty apartment, looking at Ted's room.
"Looks like our little guy is finally leaving," said Lily.
"It feels like yesterday he was a cute freshman," said Marshall. "Discovering reggae and ultimate frisbee. He did it later than the other kids, but we never pushed him."
"We knew he'd make it."
Barney appeared with a box. "You haven't moved out yet, have you? Good. You have to take this quiz. I found it in a magazine. It's called 'Are You Ready to Move in Together?'"
"If it's anything like your 'Are You Wearing Underwear?' quiz, I'll pass," said Robin.
Barney ignored the comment. "Question one: Ted, do you want to move in with Robin?"
"Yes."
"You got the first one wrong. The answer is 'no.' Secretly you want to be single and hang out with your amazing friend Barney. Question two: Robin, do you think you can get a hotter guy than Ted?"
Robin hesitated.
"Correct. The answer was an awkward silence. Question three: Did I just make up this quiz to prove a point?"
"Yes," they all said.
"Yes, I did. So what? Are we all agreed? Shall we move Ted's stuff back up?"
"No," said Ted. "We're still moving in together."
"Why? This is insane, Ted. You're throwing your life away. This girl is blinding you with her shiny hair and her cone-shaped..." He stopped. "This is bad for you too, Robin. How are you going to feel when he sees you without makeup?"
"I'm not wearing makeup right now."
Barney looked at her. "My God, you're beautiful! Well then, how are you going to feel when you can't have a cigarette once in a while?"
"Oh, come on, Robin doesn't smoke."
"Wait, you do?"
Robin shook her head.
Barney sighed. "I can't let you do this, Ted."
"This is happening, Barney."
Barney looked at him. Then he smiled. "Well then, instead of fighting this... why don't you help?"
"You want to help me?"
"Yes."
Barney grabbed a box and carried it down to the truck. Lily and Marshall looked at each other, surprised.
"I can't believe we got him to carry a box," said Lily.
"Maybe he's finally getting on board," said Marshall.
They loaded the last boxes. Ted closed the truck door.
"Well, that's it," he said. "Thanks for—"
He turned. The truck was gone.
"Where's the truck?"
"Where's Barney?"
The truck sped around the corner.
"No..." Ted whispered.
Lily and Marshall's Apartment
Marshall and Lily sat on the sofa, alone in their apartment without Ted.
"We live alone," said Lily.
"This is great," said Marshall. "Now we can finally do all those things we always said we wanted to do if we lived alone."
"I know where I want to start."
They stood up. They undressed. They sat on the sofa.
"Well, here we are. Sitting naked in the apartment."
"Great," said Lily.
"It's not as great as I thought," Marshall admitted. "My butt itches."
"I'm cold," said Lily.
"I noticed," commented Marshall, looking at her breasts.
"Yeah, like you're one to talk, Pointy."
Marshall looked at her. "This is weird."
"Yeah."
"Why is it weird?"
"Because... I don't know. I miss Ted."
Marshall sighed. "Me too."
Robin's Apartment
Ted was at Robin's apartment, phone in hand.
"Barney, I don't know if you got my other 47 messages, but if my stuff isn't here in an hour, I'm calling the police. This is the last time I'm calling because my charger is in the back of the truck."
Robin put a hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry. It's Barney. He'll bring your stuff back."
"It's not just that. It's... I was really looking forward to settling in, you know? Maybe putting my TV up. Watching a movie in bed."
Robin hesitated. "Do we really want a TV in the bedroom?"
"I thought we did."
"I'm not sure we do."
"Well, where else would we put my TV?"
"We could put it in the basement storage unit."
"But then we wouldn't have my TV."
"No, we wouldn't."
The conversation got tangled. They started talking about where to put things they hadn't even unpacked, about spaces that didn't exist, about rules they hadn't agreed on.
Finally, Robin said, "Well, since I only have one box, I guess I should unpack it." She pointed to the box of pot lids. "Where do you think I should put it?"
"Well, the problem is my kitchen is a little small, and I already have a lot of pot lids, and mine come with pots, so..."
"Are you saying there's no room for the one box of things I'm trying to bring into our home?"
"Well, why don't you put it in the—"
"Don't say storage space."
"I was going to say garbage can."
Robin looked at him. "Damn it, Ted. This is all I have left in the world. Eight pot lids and a sword."
"Yeah, about the sword..."
Ted's phone rang. A distorted voice spoke.
"Put on the suit, Mr. Mosby."
"Barney, I know it's you. Where are my things?"
"It's not me. If you want to see your precious possessions again, put on the suit."
"What suit?"
Ding-dong. The doorbell.
"That's the suit I'm talking about."
Ted opened the door. On the floor, a pristine suit.
"Okay, I've got it."
"Good. Listen carefully. You'll get your things back if you complete a series of challenges. Number one: put on the suit. Number two: meet me at MacLaren's in one hour."
"How will I know who to look for?"
"I look like Barney."
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