The morning started normally.
This should have been everyone's first warning.
Roku woke up at exactly 6:00 AM, as he always did. He did his stretches, which somehow caused his apartment to rearrange its furniture into more feng shui-appropriate positions. He made breakfast, which came out perfect despite him burning water on three separate occasions.
Sparky was already awake, crackling contentedly on the windowsill and watching the sunrise.
"Good morning, Sparky!"
"Good morning, friend. You slept well?"
"Yep! I had a dream about clouds. They were very fluffy."
"A peaceful dream. That is good."
Roku smiled and went about his morning routine, completely unaware that today would be the day he accidentally terrified every Tailed Beast in existence, discovered his dragon companion's true nature, and caught primordial lightning with his bare hands.
Just another Tuesday, really.
Team 7 gathered at the mission assignment office at 8:00 AM.
Kakashi was only two hours late, which was practically early for him.
"I have good news and bad news," the Third Hokage announced from behind his desk. "The good news is that you've been assigned a C-rank mission."
"What's the bad news?" Kakashi asked, already dreading the answer.
"The mission involves travel. Extended travel. With Roku."
Everyone turned to look at Roku, who waved cheerfully.
"I promise I'll try really hard not to break anything!"
"That's... that's the bad news," Hiruzen said. "Your promises mean nothing, Roku. Reality itself cowers before your attempts."
"Oh." Roku's face fell slightly. "I'm sorry, Hokage-sama. I really don't mean to cause trouble."
And that was the thing, wasn't it? Hiruzen looked at this young man—this walking catastrophe, this accidental god, this being of unlimited potential and zero control—and saw only genuine sincerity.
Roku truly didn't mean to cause trouble.
The universe just had other plans.
"The mission is to escort a bridge builder named Tazuna to the Land of Waves," Hiruzen continued. "You will protect him until his bridge is completed. It should take approximately two weeks."
"Two weeks," Kakashi repeated. "Two weeks of travel and construction. With Roku."
"Yes."
"May I request hazard pay?"
"Granted. Triple."
"That's not enough."
"I know."
Tazuna was drunk.
This was not unusual for Tazuna. Tazuna was frequently drunk. It was a coping mechanism developed over years of living in a nation controlled by a tyrannical shipping magnate.
What WAS unusual was his escort.
He had expected ninja. He had gotten a brooding pretty boy, a pink-haired girl, an orange-wearing loudmouth, and a silver-haired man reading pornography.
He had NOT expected the cheerful twenty-three-year-old with a lightning dragon wrapped around his shoulders.
"What the hell is that?" Tazuna asked, pointing at Sparky.
"This is Sparky! She's my best friend!"
"Greetings, bridge builder. I am a primordial entity of divine lightning. I have chosen to accompany this human."
Tazuna took a long drink from his bottle.
"I'm not drunk enough for this."
"You could not become drunk enough for this. Trust me."
Wait.
Roku blinked, replaying Sparky's introduction in his head.
"Sparky, did you say 'she'?"
"Yes. I am female. Did you not know?"
"I... no? I didn't think about it?"
"Understandable. Gender is a construct that holds little meaning for primordial entities. But in the terms of your species, I am what you would call female."
"Oh! That's cool! Does that change anything?"
Sparky's lightning form flickered—the dragon equivalent of a blush.
"No. Nothing changes. I am still your friend. Your... best friend."
"Great! I'm glad!"
Roku went back to packing his supplies, completely missing the way Sparky's crackling intensified with something that might have been affection.
Across Konoha, seventeen women simultaneously felt a chill run down their spines.
Ayame dropped a bowl of ramen.
Kurenai's genjutsu flickered.
Anko's kunai missed its target for the first time in years.
Hinata fainted.
Ino knocked over an entire display of flowers.
Tenten's weapons scroll spontaneously unrolled.
The administrative clerk spilled coffee all over Roku's file.
They didn't know WHY they suddenly felt threatened.
They just knew that somewhere, somehow, their romantic prospects had just gotten significantly more complicated.
The journey to Wave Country began uneventfully.
For about an hour.
They were walking along a peaceful forest road when Sasuke suddenly stopped.
"There's a puddle," he said.
Everyone looked at the puddle.
It was a very obvious puddle. Too obvious. It hadn't rained in weeks, and this puddle was sitting in the middle of a dry road, practically screaming "I AM A TRAP."
"Maybe someone spilled something?" Roku suggested.
"No one spilled anything," Kakashi said. "It's an ambush."
"Oh! Should I do something?"
"NO," four voices said in unison.
"Just... let me handle it," Kakashi continued. "Everyone else, protect Tazuna. Roku, please don't do anything."
"Okay!"
The puddle rippled.
Two ninja burst forth—the Demon Brothers, Gozu and Meizu, A-rank missing-nin from Kirigakure. Their chain weapons wrapped around Kakashi before anyone could react.
"One down," Gozu sneered.
They pulled the chains.
Kakashi exploded into pieces.
"KAKASHI-SENSEI!" Naruto screamed.
"Don't worry, it was substitution," Sasuke said calmly. "He's fine."
"Oh. Then WHY DID HE EXPLODE?!"
"Dramatic effect."
The Demon Brothers turned toward Tazuna.
"The bridge builder dies," Meizu hissed.
They lunged forward—
—and stopped.
Because Roku had stepped in front of them.
"Excuse me," he said politely, "but I don't think you should hurt Tazuna-san. He seems nice."
Gozu stared at him. "Get out of the way, kid."
"I'd rather not. Kakashi-sensei said to protect him."
"Then you die first."
The Demon Brothers attacked.
Their chains whipped through the air with deadly precision, aimed directly at Roku's heart.
And Roku, not knowing what else to do, tried to use the substitution jutsu.
In the Academy, they teach you that the substitution jutsu replaces you with a nearby object—typically a log.
Roku had already proven that his substitution jutsu was... different.
He had once substituted himself with a concept.
This time, he substituted himself with something worse.
He substituted himself with the Demon Brothers' sense of self-preservation.
Gozu and Meizu froze mid-attack.
Their chains dropped.
Their eyes went wide with sudden, horrifying clarity.
"What... what are we doing?" Gozu whispered.
"We're attacking ninja," Meizu replied, his voice trembling. "We're attacking ninja for MONEY. For a man who will probably kill us after we're done."
"Why are we doing this?"
"I don't... I don't know anymore."
They looked at each other.
They looked at their chains.
They looked at the life choices that had led them to this moment—the violence, the killing, the endless cycle of death and despair.
"I don't want to do this anymore," Gozu said.
"Me neither."
"What do we do?"
"I... I think I want to open a bakery."
"A bakery?"
"Yeah. Make bread. Feed people. Something... positive."
Gozu considered this.
"Can I help? I've always wanted to learn to make croissants."
"Of course, brother. Of course."
The Demon Brothers dropped their weapons, sat down on the road, and began openly weeping.
"I'VE WASTED MY LIFE!" Gozu sobbed.
"WE BOTH HAVE! BUT IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO CHANGE!"
"YOU'RE RIGHT! LET'S BECOME BETTER PEOPLE!"
They embraced, tears streaming down their faces, as the fundamental reconstruction of their psychological framework continued.
Kakashi emerged from hiding, staring at the scene with an expression of profound confusion.
"What did you do?" he asked Roku.
"I tried to substitute with a log," Roku said, equally confused. "I don't think it worked right."
"The Demon Brothers are having a psychological breakthrough."
"Is that bad?"
"I... don't know. I genuinely don't know."
The Demon Brothers were now discussing potential bakery names. They had settled on "Second Chances Bread Co." and were making plans to turn themselves in to authorities and serve their time before starting their new life.
"I'll miss our chain," Meizu sniffled. "But it represents our violent past."
"We'll melt it down," Gozu suggested. "Make it into a bread knife."
"That's beautiful, brother."
"You're beautiful, brother."
They embraced again.
Tazuna took another drink.
"I need stronger alcohol."
The team continued on, leaving behind two former assassins who were now excitedly discussing sourdough recipes.
"Roku," Kakashi said carefully, "I need to ask you something important."
"Sure, Kakashi-sensei!"
"Do you have ANY control over what happens when you use jutsu?"
Roku thought about this very seriously.
"No," he admitted. "Not really. I try to do the thing the jutsu is supposed to do, but something else always happens."
"And you don't know what that something else will be?"
"Nope! It's always a surprise!"
Kakashi absorbed this information.
"Right. New rule: you are not allowed to use any jutsu unless we are in a life-or-death situation with no other options."
"What if someone's in danger?"
"Then I will handle it."
"What if YOU'RE in danger?"
"Then Sasuke will handle it."
"What if Sasuke's in danger?"
"Then Naruto will handle it."
"What if Naruto's in danger?"
"Then Sakura will handle it."
"What if Sakura's in danger?"
Kakashi paused.
"Then... then we'll figure something out. But you using jutsu is the LAST resort. The very last. After all other options have been exhausted."
Roku nodded seriously. "I understand, Kakashi-sensei. I don't want to cause trouble."
"Your existence is trouble," Sparky observed from Roku's shoulder. "But it is good trouble."
"Thanks, Sparky!"
They reached the coast by evening.
A small boat waited to take them across to Wave Country. The boatman—a nervous man who clearly wanted nothing to do with any of this—ushered them aboard quickly.
"Keep quiet," he whispered. "Gatō's men patrol these waters."
They paddled in silence through the mist.
It was actually peaceful.
The water was calm. The mist was thick but not oppressive. The only sound was the gentle splash of oars.
And then Naruto, being Naruto, got bored.
"So," he said loudly, "who's this Gatō guy anyway?"
"SHHH!"
"What? I'm just asking!"
"Gatō is a shipping magnate," Tazuna whispered harshly. "He controls all trade in and out of Wave Country. He's bled us dry. My bridge is the only hope of breaking his monopoly."
"So he's a bad guy?"
"He's a very bad guy. And if his men find us, we're dead."
"Tch. I'm not scared of some businessman."
"You should be. He has an army of mercenaries. And he hired someone... someone terrifying."
"Who?"
Tazuna shuddered.
"Zabuza Momochi. The Demon of the Hidden Mist."
They reached the shore without incident.
Kakashi immediately went on high alert.
"Everyone, stay close. This area is likely—"
A massive sword came spinning out of the mist, aimed directly at the group.
Kakashi shoved everyone down.
The sword embedded itself in a tree, and a moment later, a figure appeared on its handle.
Zabuza Momochi.
A-rank missing-nin.
Former member of the Seven Ninja Swordsmen of the Mist.
Known as the Demon of the Hidden Mist for his brutal efficiency and complete lack of mercy.
He looked at Team 7 with cold, calculating eyes.
"Kakashi of the Sharingan," he said. "I'm honored. This might actually be interesting."
Kakashi uncovered his left eye, revealing the spinning red of the Sharingan.
"Zabuza Momochi. Your reputation precedes you."
"As does yours." Zabuza's gaze swept over the rest of the team—dismissing the children, pausing briefly on the lightning dragon, and finally landing on Roku.
Something about the cheerful young man made him uneasy.
He couldn't say what it was. The kid looked harmless. Incompetent, even. But there was something...
"Who's the tall one?" Zabuza asked.
"Don't worry about him," Kakashi said quickly. "He's not a threat."
"Not a threat? He's got a lightning dragon on his shoulder."
"I am Sparky," the dragon introduced herself. "I am a primordial entity of divine lightning."
"...Right. That's not concerning at all."
"You should be more concerned about my friend. He has poor chakra control."
Zabuza processed this statement.
"Poor chakra control makes someone LESS dangerous, not more."
"You would think that, wouldn't you?"
The fight began.
Kakashi and Zabuza clashed in a blur of movement—kunai against sword, Sharingan predicting every attack, water jutsu filling the air with deadly mist.
It was a battle between elites, a display of skill that the Genin could barely follow.
And then Zabuza caught Kakashi in a Water Prison Jutsu.
"Foolish," Zabuza said, his hand maintaining the sphere of water that trapped the Copy Ninja. "You let your guard down protecting those brats."
"Team 7... run..." Kakashi managed.
"Oh, they're not going anywhere." Zabuza formed a one-handed sign, and a water clone emerged from the mist. "My clone will kill them while I deal with you. Starting with the bridge builder."
The water clone advanced on Tazuna.
Sasuke moved to intercept.
Their battle was brief—Sasuke was skilled, but he was still a Genin. The clone knocked him aside with brutal efficiency.
Naruto attacked next, throwing himself at the clone with more passion than skill. He lasted slightly longer, but the result was the same.
Sakura stood protectively in front of Tazuna, kunai raised, knowing she had no chance but refusing to run.
The clone raised its sword.
And Roku stepped forward.
"Excuse me," he said politely. "Please don't hurt my friends."
The clone paused.
"You're the one with the dragon. You're the one they said wasn't a threat."
"That's right! I'm really not very good at ninja stuff."
"Then die."
The clone attacked.
And Roku, panicking, did the only thing he could think of.
He tried the transformation jutsu.
"I'LL TRANSFORM INTO SOMETHING SCARY!" was his thought.
He thought of monsters.
He thought of nightmares.
He thought of the scariest thing he could imagine.
And his chakra, as always, took his intention and amplified it by approximately infinity.
The world went dark.
Not just the mist—the actual world. Light ceased to exist in a sphere centered on Roku. Stars that were visible despite it being daytime winked out. The sun itself seemed to dim.
And in the center of that darkness, something emerged.
It had too many eyes.
Eyes that looked in every direction at once, that saw through flesh and bone and time itself, that perceived realities that should not exist.
It had too many limbs.
Arms and legs and tentacles and appendages that had no name in any human language, all moving independently, all reaching toward something beyond comprehension.
It had a mouth.
A mouth that opened onto nothing—not blackness, not void, but the complete absence of existence. Looking into that mouth was like staring at the end of all things, the final page of a story that was never meant to be read.
And it spoke.
Its voice was not sound. It was meaning, injected directly into the minds of all who heard it. Meaning that carried weight, that pressed down on reality like a stone on water.
"Y̷̪̾O̸̢͝U̵̺̐ ̸̰̈́W̶̖̌I̸̙͌S̸̱͝H̵̰̐ ̴̣́T̵͖̊Ö̸̜ ̵̗̈́H̸̝͠A̷̺͗R̶̨̛M̸̲̈ ̵̖͊M̶̡̈Ÿ̸͕ ̶̳̓F̷̨̀R̴̞̈I̶̠͆E̷̤͝N̵̘̿D̸̖̈́S̵͓͐"
It was not a question.
It was a statement of fact.
The water clone did not dissolve.
It unexisted.
One moment it was there; the next, it had never been there. The concept of the clone was erased from reality, retroactively removed from the timeline.
Zabuza's hand spasmed, losing control of the Water Prison.
Kakashi fell free, gasping for air.
But neither of them could move. Neither could look away from the thing that Roku had become.
"Ỷ̸̙O̵̜͘U̵̹͛ ̸̞͐W̵̖̃Ì̴̫S̷̘͂Ḧ̷̜ ̴̗̈T̸̮͌O̸͔͌ ̸̧̑H̷̞̆Ā̸̱R̷̥͝M̷̗̆ ̷̺͐I̷̭͘N̷̤͗Ǹ̸͙O̵̱͐C̷̡̈E̷̤̓N̴̲̈́T̸͔͒S̵͇̈́"
Zabuza's legs gave out.
He had killed hundreds. He had bathed in blood. He had earned the title "Demon" through acts of violence that would haunt lesser men forever.
And he was looking at something that made all of that seem like a child's tantrum.
"What... what ARE you?" he whispered.
"Í̵̭ ̵̲̀A̸̝͂M̷̭̐ ̵͉̈́R̷̰̀O̶͇̾K̵̨̊U̷̠̒"
"That's not an answer!"
"I̸̝͂T̵̬̾ ̸̰́Ĭ̴̝S̴͔̆ ̷͔̓T̴̟̀H̸̹̕Ȅ̷̳ ̶͖͋O̸͈͝N̸̝͑L̶̹͂Y̵̫̆ ̴̩̇A̴̮͝N̵͇̋S̷̘͆W̸̘͆Ë̸͖R̴̞̊ ̶̞̈T̷̨̓Ḩ̴̏A̷͍̕T̸̯̊ ̵̤̋M̸̪̀À̴̯T̷̙̋T̴̝̽E̷̦͝R̸͉̅S̷͉̓"
The eldritch form leaned closer to Zabuza.
Eyes—dozens of them—focused on the Demon of the Mist.
"L̴͓̕E̸̤͑A̸̧̅V̵͇̄È̸̬"
"I—I can't just—"
"L̶̝̑Ḙ̴̚A̴͉̓V̸̙̏E̶̟̐.̸̮͊ ̶̬́Ã̶͔N̷̹̂D̵̗͘ ̷͎̈R̴̞̕Ę̷̾C̴̨̋Ó̴̤Ǹ̴̪S̷͔͐I̴̧͂D̴̩́Ȅ̶͚R̷̜̽ ̶̲̄Y̸͇̊O̵̺͝Ũ̵̹R̵̩̆ ̵͓̐L̵̼̓Ȋ̴̬F̴̬̏E̸͎͌ ̸͈͠C̵̩̄H̷̩̋O̵̘̕Ī̵̦Ċ̷͓E̸̲̓S̷̗͘"
Zabuza ran.
The Demon of the Hidden Mist, who had never retreated from any battle, who had proudly faced death countless times, turned and fled like a frightened child.
A figure in a hunter-nin mask—hidden in the trees—grabbed him and vanished.
They did not look back.
The darkness receded.
Light returned.
And Roku was Roku again—cheerful, confused, and completely unaware of what had just happened.
"Did it work?" he asked. "I was trying to look scary!"
No one answered.
Kakashi was on the ground, his Sharingan spinning wildly as it tried and failed to process what it had just witnessed.
Sasuke was curled in a fetal position, mumbling something about "too many eyes."
Naruto had passed out entirely.
Sakura was standing perfectly still, her expression blank, her mind having apparently decided that it had simply not seen anything.
Tazuna had finished his entire bottle of alcohol and was now wishing he had brought more.
"That was impressive," Sparky said, her voice carrying a note of something that might have been admiration. "You transformed into an outer god."
"A what?"
"An entity that exists beyond reality. A being of pure concept made manifest. You became, briefly, a god of fear and protection."
"Oh." Roku scratched his head. "I was just trying to look like a monster."
"You succeeded beyond measure."
"But I changed back to normal, right? I'm not scary anymore?"
Sparky looked at Roku—at his earnest, worried expression, at the genuine concern that he might have frightened his friends.
"No," she said, her lightning form crackling softly. "You are not scary anymore. You are just Roku."
"Good! I don't want to scare anyone. That seems mean."
"You are... very kind."
"Thanks, Sparky! You're kind too!"
And there it was again—that warm feeling in Sparky's core. That strange, unfamiliar sensation that she had never experienced in all her eons of existence.
She was beginning to suspect what it meant.
She was also beginning to suspect that Roku would never figure it out on his own.
Across the Elemental Nations, something unprecedented happened.
Every Tailed Beast—all nine of them—felt it simultaneously.
Shukaku, the One-Tail, was in the middle of tormenting his host Gaara when he suddenly went silent.
"...What was that?" he whispered.
Matatabi, the Two-Tails, stopped her constant prowling and sat down.
"Something terrible," she said. "Something that should not exist."
Isobu, the Three-Tails, retreated to the deepest parts of his lake, hiding like prey.
Son Gokū, the Four-Tails, stopped his eternal raging and became very, very still.
Kokuō, the Five-Tails, began running—not toward anything, just away from the direction of the disturbance.
Saiken, the Six-Tails, released enough acid to dissolve a mountain, just to make himself feel safer.
Chōmei, the Seven-Tails, stopped his cheerful flying and landed, tucking his wings close.
Gyūki, the Eight-Tails, emerged in Killer B's mindscape with an expression of genuine fear.
"Yo, B," the eight-tailed ox said. "We need to talk."
"What's wrong, partner? You look like you've seen a ghost!"
"Worse. I've felt a god. An outer god. Something that exists beyond the rules that govern us."
"That sounds bad, yo!"
"It is. Whatever that thing is... we are NOTHING compared to it. The Ten-Tails would be nothing compared to it. The Sage himself would be nothing compared to it."
"So what do we do?"
Gyūki was silent for a long moment.
"We hope it's friendly."
And in the deepest prison of all, in the seal that held the mightiest of the Tailed Beasts, Kurama—the Nine-Tailed Fox—opened his eyes.
He had been sleeping.
He did not sleep anymore.
"What in the sage's name was THAT?" he growled.
His host, Naruto, did not answer. The boy was unconscious, his mind shut down to protect itself from the cosmic horror it had witnessed.
But Kurama had felt it. Had SEEN it, through Naruto's eyes, before the connection was severed.
An entity of impossible geometry.
A voice that spoke in meanings rather than words.
A power that made his own seem like a candle before a sun.
"That was not chakra," Kurama muttered. "That was not anything that should exist in this world. That was... that was..."
He had no word for it.
He had existed since the beginning of the chakra age. He had seen empires rise and fall. He had fought the Sage of Six Paths himself.
And he had never, EVER been this afraid.
"The human," he realized. "The one standing in the center of that darkness. He was the source. A HUMAN did that."
A human who had politely asked attackers to stop.
A human who was concerned about scaring his friends.
A human who had a lightning dragon as a pet.
Kurama began to laugh.
It was not a happy laugh.
"We're doomed," he said. "We're all absolutely doomed. And it won't even be malicious—it'll be an ACCIDENT."
Back in Wave Country, Roku was helping carry the unconscious members of Team 7.
Kakashi had recovered enough to walk, but he was leaning heavily on a tree, his Sharingan still spinning randomly.
"What did I see?" he whispered. "What was that?"
"I think I messed up the transformation jutsu," Roku said apologetically. "I was trying to turn into something scary, but I think I put too much chakra in."
"Too much chakra. Right. That's what happened."
"Are you okay, Kakashi-sensei?"
Kakashi looked at Roku.
At his genuine concern.
At his complete lack of awareness about what he had just done.
"I need a vacation," Kakashi said. "I need a very long vacation."
"After the mission?"
"After... yes. After the mission."
They reached Tazuna's house by evening.
His daughter, Tsunami, welcomed them warmly—right up until she saw the state they were in.
"What happened to you?" she gasped.
"We were attacked by Zabuza Momochi," Kakashi said. "It was... handled."
"Handled? You look like you've seen the end of the world!"
"That's... not inaccurate."
Tsunami looked at the unconscious Genin, the thousand-yard-stare Jounin, and the cheerful young man with a lightning dragon on his shoulder who was the only one who seemed fine.
"I'll make tea," she said. "And dinner. And maybe open the good sake."
"Please do."
Dinner was a quiet affair.
Naruto had woken up, but he was subdued—a first for him. Sasuke hadn't spoken a word since regaining consciousness. Sakura was eating mechanically, her eyes unfocused.
Only Roku seemed unaffected.
"This is really good, Tsunami-san!" he said, cheerfully eating his fish. "You're a great cook!"
Tsunami blushed. "Oh, it's nothing special..."
"No, really! The seasoning is perfect!"
He smiled at her—that genuine, warm smile that had launched a thousand unrequited crushes—and Tsunami felt her heart do something unexpected.
Oh no, she thought. I'm a widow. I'm too old for him. I have a son. This is completely inappropriate.
Roku kept smiling.
But he's so NICE.
She was now part of the Roku Appreciation Society.
She didn't know it yet.
After dinner, Kakashi pulled himself together enough to address the team.
"Zabuza isn't dead," he said. "That hunter-nin who took him—it was a fake. An accomplice. Zabuza was put in a near-death state to allow escape."
"So he'll be back?" Sakura asked, her voice hollow.
"In about a week. Maybe less."
"What do we do?"
"We train. We prepare." Kakashi looked at Roku. "And we establish ground rules."
"Ground rules?" Roku asked.
"Yes. New ground rules. In addition to the ones about not using jutsu." Kakashi took a deep breath. "Rule one: You are not allowed to transform. Ever. Under any circumstances."
"What if—"
"EVER."
"Okay!"
"Rule two: If we ARE attacked, you stay behind everyone else. You do not engage."
"But what if someone needs help?"
"Then I will help them. Or Sasuke will. Or Naruto. Or Sakura. Or a passing stranger. Or a wandering animal. ANYONE but you."
"That seems—"
"Rule three: If you feel the urge to use chakra in any way, you will immediately inform me so I can evacuate the area."
"Kakashi-sensei, I don't think I'm that—"
"You transformed into an OUTER GOD, Roku. You became a being of cosmic horror that terrified a legendary assassin, caused every Tailed Beast in existence to have a collective panic attack, and may have permanently traumatized three of your teammates."
Roku's face fell.
"I... I didn't mean to."
"I know. I know you didn't." Kakashi's voice softened. "You never mean to. That's what makes it so concerning. You have power, Roku. Incredible power. Power that defies explanation. But you have no control over it. And until we figure out how to help you control it, we need to minimize the chances of... incidents."
"I understand." Roku nodded sadly. "I'll try not to cause trouble."
"He always tries," Sparky observed. "Trouble simply finds him anyway."
"Not helping, dragon."
"I am stating facts. I do not help or hinder. I observe."
"Right. Fine. Just... everyone get some rest. Training starts tomorrow."
That night, Roku sat on the roof, looking at the stars.
Sparky floated beside him, her lightning form casting soft shadows in the darkness.
"Am I a bad ninja, Sparky?"
"No. You are... unconventional."
"Everyone's scared of me. When I try to help, I just make things worse."
"You do not make things worse. You make them... different."
"Different bad or different good?"
Sparky considered this.
"Today, you drove away a deadly assassin. You protected your team. You may have prevented the deaths of everyone you care about."
"But I scared them too."
"Fear passes. Life does not return once lost. Your team is alive because of you, Roku. That is not a bad thing."
Roku was quiet for a moment.
"Thanks, Sparky. You always make me feel better."
"That is what friends do."
"Best friends," Roku corrected with a small smile.
"...Best friends."
They sat in comfortable silence, watching the stars.
And Sparky found herself thinking, not for the first time, that she would follow this human anywhere. That she would protect him from anything. That if the universe itself turned against him, she would stand at his side.
It was a strange feeling for a primordial entity.
It was, she was beginning to realize, love.
The training began the next morning.
Kakashi's plan was simple: teach the team tree-walking to improve their chakra control. It was a fundamental skill that would help in combat and also, hopefully, give Roku something safe to practice.
"The exercise is simple," Kakashi explained, demonstrating by walking up a tree trunk. "Channel chakra to your feet and use it to stick to the surface. Too much and you'll blow yourself off. Too little and you'll slip."
"This is so cool!" Naruto shouted, already attempting it and immediately falling on his face.
Sasuke was making progress, getting a few steps up before the bark cracked under excessive chakra.
Sakura walked up the tree on her first try, looking pleased with herself.
And Roku...
Roku looked at the tree.
The tree looked at Roku.
"Please don't hurt me," the tree said.
"I'll try not to!" Roku assured it.
He placed his foot on the trunk.
He channeled chakra.
And he shot into the sky like a rocket, vanishing into the clouds in under a second.
"ROKUU!" Kakashi screamed.
"I will retrieve him," Sparky said, launching after him.
Roku was having an experience.
He had channeled chakra to his feet as instructed.
He had tried to stick to the tree.
Instead, the chakra had propelled him upward with the force of a ballistic missile.
He was now approximately three kilometers above Wave Country, still rising, and watching the world become very, very small below him.
"THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANTED!" he shouted.
But then he stopped rising.
And then he started falling.
"THIS IS ALSO NOT WHAT I WANTED!"
The ground was rushing up to meet him. The wind was roaring in his ears. He was going to die. He was going to splatter all over Tazuna's unfinished bridge and that would be a really embarrassing way to go.
And then lightning struck.
Not at him—around him. Sparky appeared in a blaze of electrical glory, her form expanding to full size, wrapping around Roku in a protective cocoon of divine lightning.
"I have you," she said.
"Sparky! You saved me!"
"Of course. I will always save you."
They descended slowly, Sparky's lightning dispersing their momentum until they landed gently on the ground.
Roku stumbled out of the electrical embrace, slightly singed but alive.
"Thanks, Sparky! You're the best!"
"I..." Sparky hesitated. "I am glad you are safe."
And then something strange happened.
Sparky's form began to shift.
The lightning that made up her body condensed, solidified, and changed shape. The dragon form shrank and compressed, energy becoming mass, power becoming flesh.
And where a dragon had floated, a woman now stood.
She was tall—taller than Roku—with long hair that crackled with barely-contained electricity. Her skin had a faint blue tint, like the sky during a lightning storm. Her eyes were pure white, glowing with inner power.
And she was, by any objective measure, extraordinarily beautiful.
Her figure was... generous. Curves that would make a goddess jealous, wrapped in a dress that seemed to be made of solidified lightning. Every movement she made caused small sparks to dance across her skin.
"This form is more efficient for close interaction," she said, her voice now coming from a human throat but still carrying that rumbling undertone of thunder. "I will use it when necessary."
Roku stared.
Not at her curves—he genuinely didn't notice them.
He was staring at her face.
"Sparky, you're so pretty!"
The lightning woman's cheeks flushed—literally flushed, with electricity arcing across her skin in what might have been a blush.
"I... you think so?"
"Yeah! Your hair is all sparkly and your eyes are really cool!"
"You are... very kind."
Across Wave Country, in Konoha, and in various locations throughout the Elemental Nations, seventeen women (and counting) suddenly felt a murderous rage they couldn't explain.
Ayame dropped another bowl of ramen.
"Something's wrong," she muttered. "Something is very wrong."
Kurenai was in the middle of a training session when she suddenly threw a kunai with enough force to embed it six inches into solid stone.
"WHAT was THAT?" Hinata asked, terrified.
"I don't know," Kurenai said. "But someone is going to pay for it."
Anko, in the Forest of Death, began laughing maniacally.
"Competition," she hissed. "There's NEW COMPETITION."
Ino, arranging flowers in her family's shop, crushed an innocent bouquet in her grip.
"Why am I angry?" she asked herself. "Why do I want to destroy something beautiful?"
She didn't know.
But she would find out.
They would ALL find out.
Kakashi found Roku and Sparky—now in human form—walking back from where they'd landed.
He looked at Sparky.
He looked at her... attributes.
He looked back at Roku, who was cheerfully explaining that he'd tried to stick to the tree but had flown into the sky instead.
"The dragon is a woman now," Kakashi said flatly.
"I have always been female," Sparky replied. "This is simply a more convenient form."
"A convenient form."
"Yes. Is there a problem?"
"So many problems. So many problems that I can't even begin to list them."
"Your stress levels appear elevated."
"YOU THINK?!"
Roku was banned from tree-walking.
He was also banned from water-walking, after he tried it and accidentally froze the entire lake solid—not with ice, but with time. The lake was now stuck in a permanent state of "three seconds ago" and would remain that way until a Yamanaka specialist could be brought in to unstick it.
Instead, Kakashi gave him a different exercise.
"Meditation," Kakashi said. "You will sit still and focus on your breathing. You will not channel chakra. You will not think about jutsu. You will simply... exist."
"That sounds boring," Naruto complained on Roku's behalf.
"Boring is GOOD. Boring is SAFE. Boring means no one accidentally becomes an eldritch horror or befriends primordial entities."
"I don't mind," Roku said. "If it helps, I'll do it."
So Roku meditated.
He sat in Tazuna's backyard, cross-legged, eyes closed, breathing slowly.
Sparky sat next to him in her human form, watching protectively.
"You are doing well," she said after an hour.
"Thanks! It's actually kind of peaceful."
"Peace is good. You deserve peace."
"Everyone deserves peace."
Sparky looked at him—at his calm face, his gentle breathing, his complete lack of awareness of how special he was.
"You are very kind," she said.
"So are you."
"I am not kind. I am a force of nature. I have destroyed countless things."
"But you're kind to me. That counts."
Sparky felt that warmth again—that strange, unfamiliar sensation that was becoming more familiar every day.
"I will always be kind to you," she said quietly. "Always."
The week passed.
Roku meditated. The rest of the team trained. Kakashi recovered from his Sharingan overuse. Tazuna worked on his bridge.
And then Zabuza returned.
The final confrontation took place on the bridge.
Mist rolled in, thick and oppressive. The workers had fled. Only Team 7 and Tazuna remained, facing down Zabuza and his masked accomplice.
"We meet again," Zabuza said. His voice was calm, but his eyes kept flickering to Roku. "I see you brought your... secret weapon."
"He's not a weapon," Kakashi said. "He's a student."
"Right. A student who became a god."
"That was an accident."
"Somehow, that makes it worse."
The masked figure—revealed now as Haku, a young ninja with a powerful ice kekkei genkai—stepped forward.
"I do not wish to fight," Haku said. "But I will do what I must for Zabuza-sama."
"We don't want to fight either!" Roku called out. "Can't we just talk about this?"
"This isn't a situation that can be resolved with—"
"SHUT UP!" Zabuza roared. "We're not talking! We're fighting! And you—" he pointed at Roku— "you stay OUT of it! If you transform again, I swear I'll—"
"You'll what?" Kakashi asked mildly. "Run away again?"
Zabuza's eye twitched.
"That was a TACTICAL RETREAT."
"You screamed while doing it."
"TACTICAL SCREAMING."
The battle began.
Kakashi engaged Zabuza. Sasuke and Naruto fought Haku. Sakura protected Tazuna.
Roku stood in the back, following orders, not engaging.
But then things went wrong.
Haku's ice mirrors proved too powerful. Sasuke was down, pierced by senbon. Naruto was surrounded, bleeding from dozens of wounds.
"I'm sorry," Haku said, raising senbon for a killing blow. "I must protect my precious person."
And Roku couldn't stand by anymore.
"WAIT!" he shouted, running toward the ice mirrors.
"ROKU, NO!" Kakashi screamed.
But Roku wasn't using a jutsu.
He wasn't trying to transform.
He was just running, arms outstretched, trying to get between Haku and his friends.
Haku hesitated.
It was enough.
Roku slid into the ice dome, skidding to a stop in front of Naruto.
"Please," he said to Haku. "Please don't hurt them. I'll do anything. Just don't hurt my friends."
Haku looked at this strange man—this person who had become a god but was now begging for the lives of others.
"Why?" Haku asked. "Why would you sacrifice yourself for them?"
"Because they're my friends. Because they matter. Because..." Roku smiled sadly. "Because I can't do anything right, but I can at least try to protect the people I care about."
Haku's arm lowered.
Something in those words—something in that genuine, selfless declaration—struck a chord.
"I understand," Haku said quietly. "I too would do anything for my precious person."
"Then you understand. Please. Let's find another way."
The ice mirrors shattered.
Not from force—from choice.
Haku stepped out, senbon lowered.
"I will speak to Zabuza-sama," Haku said. "I will... try."
They never got the chance.
Gatō arrived with an army of mercenaries.
"Well, well," the shipping magnate sneered. "It looks like both sides are exhausted. Perfect. Kill them all—except the bridge builder. I want to execute him publicly."
The mercenaries advanced.
Hundreds of them.
Armed, fresh, and eager for blood.
Team 7 was in no condition to fight. Zabuza was wounded. Haku was conflicted. Tazuna was defenseless.
And Roku...
Roku looked at the approaching army.
He looked at his friends, his teammates, the people he had sworn to protect.
He looked at Sparky, standing in her human form, lightning crackling around her fists.
"Sparky," he said quietly. "I need to ask you something."
"Anything."
"Your lightning. The real stuff. The primordial stuff. Can I... can I borrow some?"
Sparky went still.
"You want to touch my essence. My true power."
"I want to protect them. All of them."
"If you touch primordial lightning, it could destroy you. It is not meant for mortal hands."
"I know. But I have to try."
Sparky looked at him for a long moment.
Then she smiled.
It was the first time she had ever truly smiled.
"Then take it," she said. "Take all that I am. I give it to you freely, Roku Tanaka. Because you are my friend. Because you are my... my..."
She couldn't say the word.
But she didn't need to.
Sparky's human form dissolved.
Her lightning expanded, grew, became something primal and ancient—the first lightning, the original storm, the power that had existed before the world had a name.
And she offered it to Roku.
All of it.
Everything she was.
Roku reached out his hand.
And he caught lightning.
The moment his fingers closed around the bolt, the world changed.
Color drained from everything except Roku, who blazed with light so bright that looking at him was like looking at a new sun. His body lifted off the ground, electricity arcing from his skin, his hair standing on end, his eyes glowing with white-hot power.
But he didn't scream.
He didn't burn.
He held it.
Primordial lightning—power that had existed since the birth of the universe—and he held it in his hands like a child holding a butterfly.
"Impossible," Sparky breathed, her voice coming from everywhere at once. "No mortal has ever... you should be..."
But Roku was smiling.
"It tickles," he said.
And then he moved.
To the mercenaries, it looked like the end of the world.
One moment, they were advancing confidently on their exhausted prey.
The next, a pillar of divine light was moving through their ranks like a scythe through wheat.
Roku didn't kill them.
He didn't need to.
Every mercenary he passed was struck by lightning—not lethal lightning, but something else. Something that overloaded their nervous systems, shut down their muscles, and left them collapsed on the ground, twitching and very much alive.
In three seconds, two hundred mercenaries were down.
Gatō stood alone.
"What... what ARE you?" he screamed.
Roku stopped in front of him, still blazing with power.
"I'm Roku Tanaka," he said. "I failed the Academy forty-seven times. I can't do jutsu right. I have terrible chakra control."
He smiled.
"But I have really good friends."
Gatō fainted.
The lightning faded.
Roku collapsed to his knees, gasping.
Sparky reformed beside him—human again, but somehow softer, warmer, more REAL than she had been before.
"You caught it," she said, her voice filled with wonder. "You caught my lightning. No one has ever... in all my existence, no one has ever..."
"Is that bad?"
"No." Sparky was crying. Crying actual tears, which evaporated into steam the moment they touched her cheeks. "That is not bad. That is... that is everything."
"Sparky? Are you okay?"
She pulled him into an embrace.
It was awkward—she had never hugged anyone before—but it was genuine.
"I love you," she said.
Roku blinked.
"What?"
"I love you. I have loved you since you asked if I was a fish. I have loved you since you called me pretty. I have loved you since you named me Sparky and treated me like a friend instead of a weapon."
"Oh." Roku's face scrunched up in confusion. "Is that... is that what that feeling is? Love?"
"What feeling?"
"The warm one. In my chest. When I look at you."
Sparky went very still.
"You... you feel it too?"
"I think so? It's nice. I like it."
"You like it."
"Yeah! I like you, Sparky. A lot!"
Sparky started laughing.
It was the laughter of someone who had spent eons alone and had finally, finally found connection. Someone who had been a force of nature and was now learning to be a person.
Someone who was, against all odds, in love.
"You oblivious, wonderful, impossible man," she said. "You have no idea what you do to people."
"I don't understand."
"I know. That's part of why I love you."
From across the bridge, the rest of Team 7 watched this scene unfold.
Kakashi had no words.
Sasuke had no words.
Naruto had words, but they were mostly confused shouting.
Sakura had words, but they were mostly internal screaming.
And in Konoha, seventeen women—and climbing—felt a disturbance in the Force.
BREAKING NEWS FROM THE ROKU APPRECIATION SOCIETY
Emergency Meeting Called
Topic: "A LITERAL GODDESS JUST CONFESSED TO HIM AND HE SAID 'I LIKE YOU A LOT' WHAT DO WE DO"
Attendance: Mandatory
Alcohol: Provided
The mission to Wave Country was, technically, a success.
The bridge was completed. Gatō's empire collapsed. The Land of Waves was free.
They named the bridge "The Great Roku Bridge" over his protests.
("I really didn't do that much!" "You CAUGHT LIGHTNING." "It wasn't that hard!")
Team 7 returned to Konoha as heroes.
And Roku returned as something else.
Something that made the Hokage light his pipe with shaking hands.
Something that made Kakashi immediately file for a month of leave.
Something that made the entire ANBU corps debate whether they should be monitoring him or worshipping him.
A man who could catch primordial lightning.
A man who had a literal goddess in love with him.
A man who still thought he was just a failed Academy student who got lucky sometimes.
In the Pure Land, Madara Uchiha watched all of this unfold.
He had found a way to observe the living world—not interact, just observe—and he had been using it to track this strange new phenomenon.
What he saw terrified him.
"He caught lightning," Madara whispered. "Not jutsu. Not chakra. REAL lightning. The primal stuff. The things that existed before chakra, before humanity, before the world itself."
Beside him, Hashirama nodded slowly.
"And he's still himself. Still that cheerful, oblivious young man."
"That's what scares me. Power like that CHANGES people. It corrupts them, twists them, turns them into something other than human. But he's just... him."
"Maybe that's the point."
"What do you mean?"
"Maybe the universe gave that power to him BECAUSE he wouldn't change. Because he's the only person who could hold it without being destroyed by it."
Madara considered this.
"A chosen one?"
"Not chosen. Just... right. The right person, in the right place, at the right time."
"And his plan? The infinite tsukuyomi?"
Hashirama laughed.
"I don't think you could pull it off anymore, even if you tried. Whatever Roku is becoming... he's beyond any plan either of us could conceive."
Madara sighed.
"You're right. I know you're right." He looked toward the living world one last time. "The game has changed. And I'm not sure anyone knows the new rules yet—including him."
END CHAPTER 3
Next Chapter: "The Chunin Exams Are Supposed to Be a Test, Not a Theological Crisis"
Preview:
"Roku, the first exam is a written test."
"Oh no. I'm really bad at tests."
"Your score was perfect."
"It was?"
"The answers you wrote became the correct answers. Reality retroactively changed the test to match what you wrote."
"...Is that cheating?"
"I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE."
Meanwhile, in the Forest of Death:
"Why is there a tea party happening in the middle of the survival exam?"
"Roku accidentally summoned the spirits of every dead Hokage and they're having a reunion."
"ALL of them?"
"The First is crying. The Second is complaining. The Fourth is trying to give Naruto a hug."
"And Orochimaru?"
"He took one look at Roku, reconsidered his life choices, and left."
"LEFT? He's been planning this invasion for YEARS!"
"He said, and I quote, 'There are some things not worth fighting. This is one of them.'"