With each passing day, I decide to accept that there are things that will remind me of Emer, and there's nothing I can do to erase each and every one of those memories, but I can choose to remember without regret. It's pointless to keep beating myself up over all the time I wasted thinking about him. I can only be grateful that the love I felt was what gave me the strength to carry on, to fight against Fortis.
— What are you thinking about, my queen? — Dotea asks. We're in one of the rooms in my suite, reading. By now, Dotea is almost finished with the last book.
— I was wondering if you were curious about any of the books you've read? You can tell me.
— There are some things described that intrigue me. It says here that…
— Read it.
"In the midst of their nakedness, he embraces her from behind and lets her guide him to please her," she reads and looks at me. — If he's embracing her, how can she guide his arms?
— He's behind you. Stand up, come closer — she does as I say. I position myself behind her and wrap my arms around her torso — This way you can see my hands and have me put them wherever you want.
— I understand — she says, turning her face toward me. Her lips are so close to mine that I'm tempted to kiss them. Dotea pulls away from me when I move my hands up to her breasts — I think I get it now.
— What's the matter? Haven't you ever kissed a woman before?
— No — it's funny to see her nervous, given how serious she usually is — I've seen women kiss each other. I've never kissed anyone.
— I'm sorry your first kiss was a stolen one — I say, trying not to laugh — I thought you'd like it, but you're more innocent than I thought.
— You're less innocent than I thought.
— Ah… — I laugh — I'm married, Dotea.
— If I may ask, what's it like with the king?
— It was only once — I say as I walk toward the vanity; when I see her following me, I continue, — It was rough and painful — I sit down at the vanity and start taking off my jewelry — My grandmother used to tell me that an act of love brings life. With Fortis, it wasn't like that, but that was enough for me to carry his child in my womb. It was… torture — I say, closing the drawer — My grandmother was right.
— I'm so sorry to hear that — she says, stepping closer to help me take off my dress.
— Nothing good can come from a relationship like that. I've always loved being free.
During the night, I had Dotea open the windows because it was so hot, but I couldn't fall asleep. I lay there staring at the ceiling for a long time until I decided to wake her up and have her light the candles — I'm sorry, I just can't sleep.
— Are you hungry? Maybe that's it — she says, still half-asleep, as she gets back into bed.
— No — after a moment of silence, an idea occurs to me — Bring the book I gave you to read; we can clear up some more of your questions.
Without saying much, she leaves and returns to the room with the book. We read several pages aloud until we come to a paragraph that says, "She lets herself be drenched by the rain of kisses all over her body, gentle caresses that promise a great start to the inevitable. When he positions himself against her sex and kisses the lips of her femininity, every fiber of her being reacts, culminating in a sweet song."
— What do you think the part about the song means? — Dotea asks.
— Do you at least know what the rest of it means? — I ask teasingly. She simply shrugs indifferently — Will you be scared if I touch you?
— You can touch me — she whispers.
I push her chest so she lies back with her head at the foot of the bed. I kiss her full lips sliding my way down to her collarbone. Then I slip my face under her robe and continue down to caress her nipples with my lips — I think this is what she meant by a shower of kisses — I say, pausing to look at her. I run my hands over her bare belly, and she laughs, so I kiss her again.
— Maybe they weren't songs — she says with her eyes locked on mine.
With Dotea still lying down, I lean toward her and kiss the lower part of her belly until I reach the lips of her femininity, just as the book described. Then I stick out my tongue and taste something strange, something I'd never tasted before, but I liked it. I liked it when she moaned; it made my nipples ache a little, and for some reason, it made me wet. So I kept tasting her until she no longer had any taste — It seems you've let yourself go — I said as I felt a warm liquid in my mouth.
— It seems so — her breathing is still rapid — I'm sorry, I'll get something to clean up — she said, and she jumped out of bed to run to the bathroom, returning a few seconds later with a bowl of water.
Over the next few days, we didn't talk about it; it didn't seem necessary. Whenever we go to the gardens or share the bathtub, we don't have to explain our desires.
To my surprise, Fortis began asking me to meet with him more often to discuss issues facing the kingdom, and I was even able to pass a law abolishing slavery, followed by other legislation to ensure its enforcement. This, of course, sparked much more debate and discussion about laws related to labor rights. Over the next few months, there were many changes that triggered unrest in the provinces and major cities, but I remain steadfast in my commitment to these changes.
It's time the kingdom recognizes the royal family as an immutable authority.
In one of our private meetings, Fortis tells me — We've done as you advised, more schools and hospitals in various cities. And I handed over the lands to the indigenous communities that served at the castle and at the palace in Metyr — He leans closer to me — I know your maid is part of those communities.
— Yes, she is. Her entire family died because of the fight you had with your brother years ago.
— I think it would be best if you surrounded yourself with people who belong to the nobility.
— You made her my lady, and her family is part of the royal court.
— If I recall correctly, that argument you're talking about started because you were acting like a degenerate. Do you think I don't know that Emer was here a few nights ago? I was waiting for you to suddenly turn out to be pregnant.
— I thought you were finally taking me into account for matters of the kingdom. You don't even let me know what's going on with Valgon, which is my right. You're paranoid because you know you haven't been able to make me see anything good in you, and your plan to punish me through servitude hasn't worked.
— Have you seen anything good in that maid of yours? — he asks with a smile, but his angry expression doesn't seem to fade.
— She's my only company in this marble cage we call home.
— I thought you'd consider our relationship — he says, at which I can't help but smile at the absurdity of it all — Do you think I don't know what people are saying, what's being rumored within the castle walls, Manady?
— You're rambling.
He grabs my neck tightly and, in an instant, seizes my wrist, preventing me from slapping him. — Do you think I don't know what obscenities you're capable of?
He speaks so close to my face that I can smell the wine. — You've had too much to drink, Fortis.
— You don't care about tarnishing her purity to satisfy your lewd desires, but here I am. You seduced my brother and ruined his decency, so I gave you what you deserved. That's something you need to understand.
— It took you long enough to show yourself again as the beast you are.
— Why can't you accept everything I've done to be with you? Was it really my ideas that you despised so much about me?
When I feel I can breathe more easily, I push him away and rush to the door.
— I'll order her death — he spits. I turn to look at him — Your lover, that sweet girl, will die hanged like a witch at the hands of the townspeople if you don't give me an heir.
— I don't deserve this!
— I lov…
I turn my gaze back to the exit and run through the door. As soon as the doors close behind me, I collapse to the floor and weep inconsolably. This catches the attention of several ladies-in-waiting passing through the hallway, so I pull myself together and walk away before they can get any closer to ask me questions.
When I arrive at my bedroom, Dotea greets me with a smile, and I can't help but kiss her to comfort myself, for fear that I might never be able to kiss her again. That night, after Merana had prepared the bathtub, we closed all the windows and drew the curtains so no one would see us as we lay embraced in the water, our breasts warming each other.
— You're my only friend; I can't lie to you. The king has threatened me again with… with killing me.
— The ritual will take place; don't worry — she says, her hands on my cheeks, and I smile so that she'll smile too.
This time, she's the one who kisses me first. She kisses my neck and caresses my breasts with her tongue until she reaches my abdomen. Then I sit on the edge of the tub, and Dotea steps out of the water to touch my breasts and stimulate my sex with her lips. I feel a coolness enveloping me, and I cover my mouth with my hand to keep from moaning with pleasure.
After the bath, we don't even think about drying off. We sit facing each other, with her legs draped over my thighs, and we kiss while pleasuring each other with our hands. I've never felt anything like this before; I didn't know it was possible to experience something like this with a woman.
The rumors became more widespread, to the point that we could hear them among the ladies of the court with whom Dotea and I had tea at least twice a week.