"Ahem, Lord First, Lord Second... you've got it all wrong. This has absolutely nothing to do with the Uchiha."
Sarutobi Hiruzen, the only one who actually knew what went down, looked incredibly awkward.
"Yeah, Lord Second is definitely reaching. My family have a good relationship with Mikoto's family," Kushina jumped in to clarify.
"That's the Uchiha clan head's wife, by the way."
"Is that so? Then was it that Danzo bastard?" Tobirama Senju frowned, immediately shifting his suspicion.
'That Danzo kid was always a sneaky little shit.'
'He probably got pissed I gave the hat to Sarutobi and went off to invent this literal 'shit technique'...'
"It wasn't Danzo either." Sarutobi broke into a cold sweat.
Danzo had enough skeletons in his closet, pinning "poop vandalism" on him was just overkill!
"Then spit it out, Monkey! Who did it? Stop denying it without giving us a name! Are we playing charades here?" Hashirama was losing patience.
He really wanted to know who had constructively pioneered this new branch of the Will of Fire—the Will of Shit!
The original Will of Fire, where Leaf burns to become nutrients, referred to predecessors making physical sacrifices for future generations.
But the Will of Shit? It meant that for the sake of the village, one might be despised like stinking dog shit, yet they could still become nutrients nourishing the village!
It perfectly fit the ninja creed: "one who endures everything."
The Will of Shit was truly magnificent!
"It was Naruto." Sarutobi Hiruzen had no choice but to name the culprit.
"Naruto? Why would he do that?" Kushina blinked, shocked, but she quickly connected the dots herself.
"I get it. It's because he grew up without parents, got bullied, and blames us for abandoning him, isn't it?"
Kushina didn't stop to think about what privileges the Fourth Hokage's son should have had.
When she first came to Konoha from Uzushiogakure, even after being adopted by the First Hokage's wife, Mito Uzumaki, she still got bullied by people.
So, she naturally assumed Naruto had been bullied by the naturally asshole villagers because he had no parents protecting him.
"Well, that's the gist of it." Sarutobi hesitated for a second before deciding to just come clean—he was already dead, after all.
"Actually, I never told Naruto about you and Minato."
"Naruto often pulled pranks just to get noticed. Splash-painting the Hokage Rock was basically a routine for him."
"Is that right? Acting out for attention? He sounds a bit like Obito."
"But Naruto wasn't doing it because he had a crush on a girl—it was just loneliness, right?" Kushina let out a soft sigh.
"Yes, that's right." Sarutobi looked somewhat guilty.
There was no doubt about Naruto's loneliness as a kid.
What was weird, however, was that while "Naruto has no friends" was the default setting, and his flashbacks consistently showed him alone, there were these occasional, random filler scenes showing Naruto happily playing with Shikamaru, Choji, and the others as kids, supposedly proving they had been close friend since day one.
It was downright eerie.
It was comparable to a movie remake where a major battle never happened, yet everyone's memories suddenly changed to include people who shouldn't be there.
Even though Naruto had always been alone, everyone's memories abruptly featured this illogical, idyllic childhood at a certain point.
Who the hell secretly used a genjutsu on the timeline?
Why is it said that Naruto being alone since childhood is the canon default?
Because in the very first episode, Iruka was the first person to acknowledge Naruto, marking the beginning of everything.
If Naruto had buddies before Iruka, he wouldn't have had such an intense emotional outburst.
Moreover, during the war, when Naruto shared his memories via chakra, everyone saw him sitting alone, watching others play, looking utterly desolate.
If Shikamaru and Choji were already his friends back then, that would be ridiculous.
Imagine Naruto happily playing tag with Shikamaru and Choji during the day, then, after they went home for dinner, Naruto staging a memory—sitting on a swing and suddenly looking melancholic just for the drama!
Does that make any sense?
In any case, at least for now, no one has been affected by this weird timeline retcon.
"Let's shelf the bullying trauma for a second. You said he used paint right?" Tobirama Senju cut through the heavy atmosphere, asking Sarutobi before turning to Kushina.
"Right, was it really paint?" Kushina frowned, questioning the Third.
She had already wiped her hands clean, so the evidence was gone.
There was no way to verify it now.
Kushina started gaslighting herself—maybe she had been overly sensitive?
Maybe it really was just yellow paint?
Maybe Naruto heard Minato was the "Yellow Flash" and had yellow hair, so he decided to color it.... yellow?
Even if it was just random graffiti, paint was a lot better than the alternative.
"Oh, no. Minato's statue was definitely covered in shit." Sarutobi Hiruzen clarified helpfully.
Kushina, who had just started to smile with relief, froze instantly.
"Why?"
Why was there such preferential treatment?!
"It seems Naruto was.... broke, and paint is expensive. After painting the first three statues, he ran out of money..." Sarutobi explained awkwardly.
"But I always made sure that kid cleaned it thoroughly! What you accidentally touched today, Kushina, was probably a spot Naruto missed because he didn't wash it carefully enough..."
"Hahaha! That kid has potential!"
"Brother, shut up for a second." Tobirama interrupted Hashirama's laughing fit and stared at Sarutobi.
"When my brother and I arrived, what was that rumor the villagers were spreading about a guy with a Sharingan sucking up a septic tank? Come to think of it, didn't the Uchiha clan get wiped out, leaving only that Sasuke and Itachi as the remaining survivor? Which one of them did it?"
"That was Kakashi."
"Uchiha Kakashi?"
"Uh... Hatake Kakashi."
Sarutobi briefly explained how Kakashi got the eye, then dropped the bombshell about the rumor.
"It happened during Orochimaru's invasion. One of the village's massive septic tanks exploded. To save the village from a literal shitstorm, Kakashi used the space-time ability of his Mangekyo Sharingan to suck all the flying waste into his dimension. The Sharingan already drains him, and using an ability like that caused him to pass out immediately. It's just strange—I don't know why Kakashi woke up so quickly this time."
"Brother," Tobirama squinted suspiciously at Hashirama. "Did you secretly inject some of your cells into that Kakashi guy?"
"Bullshit!" Hashirama immediately got worked up.
"I'm dead! How the hell would I give him cells? Besides, I just found out about this same as you! And why does 'injecting' sound so wrong when you say it?!"