"You missed a spot," I called out, my voice dripping with boredom.
"What?" Zabuza's voice echoed, confused.
"You listed all the vital organs," I said, picking my ear. "But you forgot the most important one."
"And what is that, brat?" The voice was closer now. Angry.
"The prostate," I stated seriously. "Very sensitive. High damage multiplier. A true assassin always goes for the backdoor."
Silence.
Even the mist seemed to pause in confusion.
"Are you mocking me?" Zabuza growled.
"No, I'm giving you medical advice. Also, nice cow-print arm warmers. Did you skin a Holstein for those? Is dairy farming a big industry in the Mist? Or is that just your fursona?"
[Shameless Points: +50] [Zabuza Momochi is: Irritated.]
"You have a sharp tongue, kid," Zabuza hissed. "I'll cut it out first."
WHOOSH.
The air pressure shifted.
[Observation Haki Alert!]
He didn't attack Kakashi. He didn't attack me. He went for the weakest mental link.
Zabuza materialized out of the mist directly behind Sasuke. Without his sword (since I had it), he held a jagged kunai, aiming to slit the Uchiha's throat.
"Too slow!" Zabuza roared.
Sasuke's eyes widened. He couldn't react. He was frozen.
Kakashi was moving, turning to intercept, but the distance was too great.
I didn't move to block. I didn't try to parry.
I snapped my fingers.
[Skill Activated: Dress Break (Lvl 5)] [Target: Zabuza's Pants.] [Range: 5 Meters (Mastery Bonus)]
RIIIIP.
A loud, tragic tearing sound echoed through the clearing. It sounded like a sail ripping in a hurricane.
The heavy stitching on Zabuza's baggy ninja pants—weakened by the damp mist and years of wear—disintegrated instantly. The fabric lost all structural integrity.
Gravity took the wheel.
Zabuza's pants fell to his ankles.
He froze mid-strike.
The kunai hovered inches from Sasuke's neck. But Zabuza stopped. Because his pants were around his ankles.
It is very, very hard to murder a child with dignity when your trousers are on the ground.
"..."
The clearing went silent.
Zabuza looked down. Sasuke, terrified tears in his eyes, looked down. Naruto squinted through the mist. "Huh?" Kakashi stopped mid-charge, his Sharingan spinning wildly as it tried to process the tactical advantage of... nudity.
Underneath the baggy pants, the Demon of the Hidden Mist was wearing standard-issue, tight white ninja briefs.
"Nice legs," I whistled, breaking the silence. "And are those... shaved? Wow. You really are aerodynamic."
Zabuza's face, hidden behind the bandages, turned a shade of red that radiated heat through the cloth. His ears burned crimson.
"YOU..." Zabuza trembled with a rage that surpassed his killing intent.
He kicked his pants off frantically and jumped back, creating distance. He stood there, shirtless, wearing cow-print arm warmers, bandages, and white underwear.
The terrifying aura of the "Demon of the Mist" was shattered. Now, he just looked like a pervert who had been caught fleeing a lover's house.
"Kakashi!" Zabuza screamed, his voice cracking with humiliation. "Your student... IS A FREAK!"
Kakashi pulled his mask up slightly, likely hiding a smile. "Maa... I told you they were interesting. Kenji has a way of... disarming opponents."
"Dis-pantsing," I corrected.
"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" Zabuza roared.
He abandoned the assassination. He abandoned stealth. He formed hand seals with blinding speed.
"Water Style: Water Dragon Jutsu!"
A massive dragon of water rose from the lake behind him, roaring.
Kakashi mirrored the seals instantly.
"Water Style: Water Dragon Jutsu!"
Two dragons collided in mid-air, exploding into a torrential rain.
"Get back!" Kakashi ordered us. "He's serious now!"
"I got this, Sensei!" I grabbed the handle of the Kubikiribōchō. "I have his sword! What's he gonna do, slap me with a fish?"
I tried to lift it.
Urgh.
It was heavy. Ridiculously heavy. I dragged it two inches.
"Okay," I panted. "Maybe I don't got this. New plan: Tactical Retreat!"
I grabbed Sasuke (who was still staring at Zabuza's underwear in shock) and dragged him back to Tazuna.
"Guard the client!" I shouted. "Kakashi-sensei! Don't look at his crotch! It's a Genjutsu!"
"Shut up, Kenji!" Kakashi yelled, actually sounding stressed for once as he engaged Zabuza in high-speed Taijutsu.
Zabuza, fueled by pure embarrassment, was fighting like a man possessed. He wasn't trying to complete the mission anymore. He just wanted to kill the kid who pantsed him.
[System Notification] [Zabuza Momochi has entered: Berserk Mode.] [Buff: Speed +20%, Dignity -100%.] [Objective Update: Survive the Angry Stripper.]
The mist swirled violently, whipped into a frenzy by the clash of two Elite Jonin.
Zabuza, fueled by the humiliation of fighting in his underwear, was relentless. He moved like a white blur, his cow-print arm warmers trailing behind him.
"DIE, KAKASHI!" Zabuza roared, launching a flurry of kicks.
Kakashi blocked, but he was on the back foot. It's hard to predict the movements of a man who has abandoned all shame.
"Zabuza, calm down," Kakashi said, deflecting a blow. "You're exposing your openings."
"I'm exposing NOTHING!" Zabuza screamed. "That brat took my pants! I will paint this lake with your blood!"
He swept Kakashi's legs. Kakashi jumped, flipping backward onto the water's surface.
Bad move, I thought, watching from the shore while munching on my chocolate. Never go into the water with a Shark.
Zabuza didn't chase. He smiled beneath his bandages.
He performed a single hand seal.
"Water Prison Jutsu!"
The water around Kakashi rose up, heavy and dense. It formed a sphere, locking the Copy Ninja inside an inescapable bubble of pressure.
"Nani?!" Kakashi gasped. He tried to move, but the water crushed his limbs.
Zabuza laughed, thrusting his right hand into the bubble to maintain the jutsu. He stood on the water, his white briefs stark against the dark lake.
"Caught you," Zabuza sneered. "Now you're just a fish in a bowl. And I'm the cat."
"Kakashi-sensei!" Sakura screamed.
"Stay back!" Kakashi shouted, his voice muffled by the water. "Run! Take Tazuna and run! As long as he holds this prison, he can't move! You can't beat him!"
Zabuza chuckled darkly. "True. I can't move. But..."
He raised his free left hand. Water coalesced beside him.
SPLASH.
A Water Clone rose from the surface. It stepped onto the land, cracking its knuckles. Naturally, it was also wearing white briefs.
"My clone can handle a few brats," Zabuza said. "Now... who dies first?"