The Clone Zabuza walked toward us. He didn't have his sword (I was leaning on it), but he radiated enough killing intent to make the air taste like iron.
"Give me my sword, kid," The Clone growled, extending a hand.
I looked at the massive Kubikiribōchō. I tried to lift it again. My biceps strained. My veins popped. It moved three inches.
"Yeah, about that," I panted. "It's a bit heavy. Can I interest you in a trade? I have a vibrating kunai."
"Die."
The Clone vanished.
BAM.
He appeared in front of Naruto. A swift kick sent the blonde boy tumbling across the dirt, his headband flying off.
"Naruto!" Sakura shrieked.
The Clone turned to Sasuke. Sasuke threw shuriken. The Clone caught them out of the air and crushed them.
"Is that all the Uchiha has to offer?" The Clone taunted.
Sasuke gritted his teeth. He charged, engaging in Taijutsu. But the Clone was a Jonin-level construct. It blocked every punch, every kick.
WHACK.
The Clone backhanded Sasuke. The Uchiha flew back, landing next to Naruto.
"Pathetic," The Clone spat. "You are not ninja. You are children playing dress-up."
He walked toward Tazuna. Sakura stood in front of the old man, shaking so hard her kunai rattled.
"Move, girl," The Clone raised a fist.
I sighed. I wiped the chocolate off my fingers.
"System," I whispered. "Is there a strength buff in the shop?"
[System: 'Hercules Potion' - 500 SP.]
Too expensive. I'm saving up.
"Fine," I stepped forward, standing between the Clone and Sakura. "I guess I have to use my brain."
"You?" The Clone sneered. "You're just a pervert with a magic trick."
"Naruto!" I shouted without looking back. "Sasuke! Are you done napping?"
Sasuke struggled to his feet, wiping blood from his lip. Naruto grabbed his headband from the mud, his eyes burning with blue fire.
"We're not done!" Naruto yelled, tying the metal plate back on.
"Good," I pointed at the real Zabuza, who was standing on the lake holding the prison. "Sasuke, Naruto. New plan. Operation: Distraction."
Sasuke looked at me. "Distraction?"
"Yes," I grinned. "We need to break Zabuza's concentration. If he flinches, the prison breaks."
"How?" Sasuke asked. "He's an elite assassin. Pain won't stop him."
"Not pain," I corrected. "We use his weakness."
I looked at Naruto.
"Naruto. Do you remember the 'Swimsuit Edition' we practiced?"
Naruto's eyes widened. "You mean... that one?"
"Yes. The S-Rank visual stimulus."
Sasuke looked confused. "What are you talking about?"
"Just throw the shuriken, Sasuke!" I ordered. "Naruto, hide in the shadow! Do it!"
Sasuke didn't argue. He pulled out his massive folding shuriken.
"Demon Wind Shuriken: Windmill of Shadows!"
He threw it. The massive blade curved past the Clone, heading straight for the real Zabuza.
"Useless!" The real Zabuza laughed. He caught the shuriken with his free hand. "You think this toy can—"
POOF.
A second shuriken, hidden in the shadow of the first, appeared.
"A Shadow Shuriken?" Zabuza was mildly surprised. He jumped.
The second shuriken flew under him.
POOF.
The shuriken exploded into smoke behind Zabuza.
Naruto appeared.
"Gotcha!"
He wasn't holding a kunai. He wasn't attacking.
He formed a seal. His face was a mask of mischievous determination.
"Secret Ninja Art: Sexy Jutsu - Bikini Model Special!"
POOF.
A massive cloud of pink smoke erupted.
When it cleared, Naruto was gone. In his place floated a stunning, voluptuous blonde woman wearing a micro-bikini that defied the laws of physics. She was oiled up. She was posing. She blew a kiss.
"Ara ara~ Zabuza-sama~ Your underwear is so... tight~"
Zabuza, the cold-blooded killer, the Demon of the Mist...
Paused.
He stared.
His eyes tracked the curves. His brain, already stressed from the fight and the humiliation of being pantsless, simply couldn't handle the sudden influx of dopamine.
"WHA—?!"
Zabuza's nose betrayed him. A stream of blood shot out.
His grip on the Water Prison faltered.
The bubble wavered.
"NOW!" I screamed.
Kakashi didn't waste the opening. The moment the water pressure dropped, he shattered the prison from the inside.
SPLASH.
Kakashi burst out, water dripping from his vest. He didn't look back. He spun, driving a fist into Zabuza's gut.
"OOF!" Zabuza folded.
The Clone on the shore exploded into water.
"Nice distraction, Naruto!" Kakashi shouted, though his voice sounded slightly pained. "But cover your eyes, Sakura!"
I clapped slowly.
"Beautiful," I whispered. "The power of culture conquers all."
[System Notification] [Achievement: Weaponized Thirst] [Assisted in defeating a Jonin with smut.] [Reward: 500 SP.]
Zabuza skidded across the water, regaining his balance. He was furious. He was bleeding from his nose. He was in his underwear.
"I'LL KILL YOU ALL!" Zabuza roared, weaving signs. "Water Style: Great Waterfall Jutsu!"
Kakashi mirrored him instantly.
"Water Style: Great Waterfall Jutsu!"
Two massive tsunamis collided. The resulting wave washed over the lake, slamming Zabuza into a tree on the shore.
He slumped forward. Pinned. Defeated.
Kakashi stood over him, kunai raised.
"It's over, Zabuza."
THWACK. THWACK.
Two senbon needles flew from the trees, piercing Zabuza's neck with pinpoint accuracy.
Zabuza went rigid. He slumped over. Dead.
Kakashi froze. He looked up.
Standing on a branch was a figure in a mask. A Hunter-nin from the Mist.
"Thank you," the Hunter-nin said, voice soft and polite. "I have been tracking Zabuza for a long time."
Naruto ran up, furious. "Who is that?! He just killed him! We did all the work, and he just stole the kill!"
"Relax, Naruto," Kakashi checked Zabuza's pulse. "No pulse. He's dead."
"I am a Hunter-nin," the figure explained. "I must dispose of the body to protect our village secrets."
The figure vanished, reappearing next to Zabuza's body. He lifted the massive man effortlessly.
I leaned against a tree, activating [Observation Haki].
I focused on Zabuza's "corpse."
[Observation Haki: Heartbeat Detected (Faint)] [Status: Suspended Animation.]
I smirked. Nice try, Haku. You hit the pressure points to stop his heart temporarily. Well its good thing. I need to progress this as usual to trigger new system missions.
But I can't just let it go for free, can I?
"Wait," I called out, stepping forward.
The Hunter-nin froze. "Is there a problem?"
"Just one thing," I said, walking over to Zabuza's body. "Since he's dead... he won't be needing these."
I reached down and grabbed the Kubikiribōchō (Executioner's Blade).
"Hunter-nin rules say you destroy the body," I said innocently. "But the sword is just a piece of metal. I'll take it as a souvenir. Compensation for mental trauma."
The Hunter-nin hesitated. He couldn't fight us and carry Zabuza. And if he fought, Zabuza might wake up too early.
"Very well," the Hunter-nin said coldly. "Keep the blade. It is broken anyway."
WHOOSH.
Haku flickered away with Zabuza's body.
I stood there, holding the giant sword.
[System Notification] [Item Acquired: Kubikiribōchō (Damaged)] [Rank: S] [Note: Requires 50 Strength to wield effectively. Current Strength: 25.]
"Heavy," I grunted, dropping it into the mud. "I'll put it in my inventory later."
Kakashi watched the Hunter-nin leave. He pulled his headband down over his Sharingan.
"Good work, team," Kakashi said. "We survived."
He took a step.
He wobbled.
"Sensei?" Sakura asked.
"I... used too much... Sharingan..."
THUD.
Kakashi face-planted into the dirt. Unconscious.
"KAKASHI-SENSEI!" Sakura screamed.
I walked over and poked him with the toe of my boot.
"He's alive," I confirmed. "Just chakra exhaustion. And probably blood loss from that nosebleed earlier."
I looked at Tazuna.
"Well, old man," I said. "Grab his feet. Naruto, grab his head. We're going to your house."
I looked at the giant sword in the mud.
"System," I whispered. "[Inventory Store]."
The massive blade vanished into a digital void.
Zabuza will be back, I thought, looking at the mist clearing. And next time, he'll be wearing pants. Shame.
"Let's go," I ordered. "I need a nap. And maybe a bath. This swamp smells like wet dog."