— Mild Inconvenience —
Waking up felt, at first, like a perfectly normal disappointment.
Oliver James Finch lay in bed staring at the faint crack in the ceiling that he had once decided looked like Denmark, if Denmark were slightly melting and deeply tired. Light crept around the edges of the curtains in a way that suggested morning had arrived again despite his objections.
His phone buzzed on the bedside table.
Ollie squinted at it.
BBC News Alert.
He considered ignoring it. Historically, BBC News Alerts fell into one of three categories:
Something terrible had happened somewhere else.
Something mildly concerning had happened somewhere else.
A politician had used the word "robust."
He tapped it.
Government Confirms Flu Vaccine "Within Acceptable Safety Margins"
He blinked.
There was a second notification underneath it.
Public Urged To Remain Calm As Isolated Incidents Investigated
Ollie stared at the words.
Remain calm was never a phrase that preceded anything calm.
He rolled onto his side and checked the time.
08:16.
He had gone to bed at 2:47 a.m. after watching a video titled "Ten Subtle Signs You're Secretly a Failure (Number Seven Will Shock You)." It had not shocked him. It had confirmed things.
His flat was quiet. Too quiet, in fact. Kenn was usually quiet, but it was the sort of quiet that had sheep in it. Today it was the sort of quiet that had intent.
There was a sound outside.
A slow, dragging sort of sound.
Like someone walking very carefully in wet slippers.
Ollie sat up.
Probably just Mr Pritchard, he told himself. He walks like that. Or he did. Still does. Presumably still does.
There was a low, drawn-out groan.
Ollie froze.
It wasn't dramatic. It wasn't cinematic. It was the sort of groan someone might make upon discovering they'd dropped a biscuit into tea and were watching it dissolve beyond rescue.
Another notification buzzed.
He flinched and nearly fell off the bed.
The screen lit up.
Then—
The air in the room changed.
Not temperature. Not pressure. Just… density. As if reality had decided to clear its throat.
Text appeared in the air in front of him.
Bold. Unapologetic. Entirely humourless.
SYSTEM INITIALISING.
Ollie stared at it.
He blinked.
It remained.
He rubbed his eyes.
It remained.
"I'm dehydrated," he whispered.
The text continued.
CIVIL DESTABILISATION THRESHOLD EXCEEDED.
LOCAL SURVIVAL PROTOCOL ENGAGED.
"Ah," Ollie said faintly. "That's… not ideal."
The groan outside got louder.
A shadow passed across the thin gap in the curtains.
The text shifted.
SELECTING CLASS BASED ON ENVIRONMENTAL MATERIALS + PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE.
Ollie felt personally attacked by the phrase psychological profile.
"I'd like to opt out," he muttered.
There was no response.
The text brightened slightly.
CLASS DETECTED: SPEARBEARER.
Silence.
Ollie stared at the word.
"Spear," he repeated.
He looked around his bedroom.
There was:
A laundry basket.
A chair with clothes on it that had achieved chair status.
A phone charger.
A framed motivational quote his aunt had given him ("Live Laugh Love," which felt accusatory now).
"I don't own a spear," he said carefully.
The System did not appear interested in debate.
ABILITY UNLOCKED: MUNICIPAL PIKE (NOVICE).
There was a pause.
Then:
PRIMARY DIRECTIVE: MAINTAIN DISTANCE.
"That's not a directive," Ollie said faintly. "That's my personality."
A thud echoed from downstairs.
Ollie's flat was on the upper level of a converted stone cottage. Thick walls. Narrow staircase. Low beams. It had once felt quaint.
Now it felt… tactical.
There was another groan.
Closer.
Ollie slid out of bed slowly, as if sudden movement might alert the bold floating bureaucracy in his room.
He crept to the window and peeled back the curtain a millimetre.
Mr Pritchard stood in the lane.
Mr Pritchard had died last Tuesday.
The funeral had been modest. There had been quiche.
Mr Pritchard was now in the lane, in the same cardigan, slightly damp, leaning forward at an angle that suggested structural uncertainty.
He was staring at the hedge.
Then, very slowly, he turned his head toward Ollie's building.
Ollie dropped the curtain.
"Nope," he whispered.
His heart thudded in his ears.
He waited for panic.
It arrived, but—
It was muted.
Not gone. Just… dampened. As if someone had wrapped it in a sensible cardigan.
The bold text flickered again.
HOSTILE ENTITY DETECTED: CATEGORY A – SHAMBLER.
Ollie stared at the wall.
"You're categorising him," he said faintly.
LOW COMPLEXITY HOSTILE.
"That's Mr Pritchard."
THREAT LEVEL: MANAGEABLE.
"By who?!"
The thud came again.
On the door downstairs.
A slow, insistent knock.
Followed by a dragging sound along the wood.
Ollie's gaze drifted toward the hallway.
Narrow.
Long.
Single staircase access.
He swallowed.
Maintain distance.
He did not have a spear.
He had—
He stepped into the hallway.
The kitchen was to his left.
The knife drawer was there.
He stood frozen for a full five seconds debating whether this counted as escalation.
The knock came again.
Wood splintered slightly.
Mr Pritchard had never been strong.
Death had not improved his cardio, but it had removed hesitation.
Ollie opened the kitchen drawer.
Three knives.
One large carving knife.
Two smaller.
He picked up the carving knife.
It felt both heavy and deeply irresponsible.
Distance, he thought.
He looked around.
There was a mop in the cupboard by the stairs.
He stared at it.
Then at the knife.
Then back at the mop.
"No," he whispered. "Absolutely not."
The knock came again.
Harder.
A crack formed in the lower panel.
Ollie moved without entirely remembering deciding to.
He yanked the mop from the cupboard.
Unscrewed the plastic head.
It came off surprisingly easily, as if it too had been waiting for purpose.
He stared at the wooden shaft.
Then at the knife.
He grabbed duct tape from the drawer. He owned duct tape. Everyone owned duct tape. It was Britain's true national defence policy.
His hands shook as he pressed the knife against the end of the mop handle.
"This is ridiculous," he muttered.
He wrapped the tape around the joint.
It looked appalling.
It looked like something you'd confiscate from a Year 8 science project.
The bold text flared.
INTENT RECOGNISED.
The mop handle shuddered in his grip.
Ollie squeaked.
The duct tape tightened.
The knife fused.
The joint smoothed.
The wood straightened.
The balance shifted subtly, becoming… correct.
Not magical.
Just right.
The wobble vanished.
Ollie stared at it.
"Oh," he breathed.
The knock exploded inward.
The lower half of the door split.
Mr Pritchard's hand punched through, fingers scrabbling.
Ollie staggered back to the top of the stairs.
Mr Pritchard pushed through the broken door.
He shuffled forward.
Slow.
Relentless.
Groaning mildly, as if inconvenienced by gravity.
Ollie lifted the mop-knife-thing.
He held it at arm's length.
"Mr Pritchard," he said shakily, "I'm very sorry about this."
The System did not offer emotional support.
PRIMARY DIRECTIVE: MAINTAIN DISTANCE.
Mr Pritchard reached the bottom of the stairs.
He began climbing.
One step at a time.
Awkward.
Unbalanced.
Ollie retreated to the top.
He could feel the weight of the hallway behind him.
Narrow.
Controlled.
Choke point.
He swallowed.
"Right," he whispered. "Pointy end goes in them."
There was no time to question why he knew that.
Mr Pritchard reached the final step.
His mouth opened.
Ollie thrust.
The spear moved straighter than his hands had any right to.
It slid forward.
Met resistance.
Then gave.
There was a soft, unpleasant sound.
Mr Pritchard stopped.
Completely.
His weight sagged forward.
Ollie yelped and shoved instinctively, keeping distance as instructed.
Mr Pritchard collapsed onto the stairs.
Still.
Very still.
Silence returned.
Ollie stood there, breathing heavily, holding a reinforced mop handle with a knife fused to it.
After three seconds, bold text appeared again.
HOSTILE NEUTRALISED.
XP GAINED: 16.
He stared at it.
"Sixteen what?"
LEVEL UP – SPEARBEARER 2.
The world did not explode.
There was no lightning.
Just—
A subtle adjustment in how he held the spear.
A faint correction in his posture.
A quiet internal shift.
+1 REACH
+1 STABILITY
MINOR CONFIDENCE INCREASE
Ollie blinked.
He looked down at Mr Pritchard.
"I am so sorry," he said automatically.
There was no response.
The hallway felt different now.
Not safe.
But… measurable.
He leaned the spear against the wall carefully.
It remained upright.
Balanced.
As if it approved of him.
Outside, somewhere in the lane, another groan echoed.
Ollie closed his eyes briefly.
"Well," he said to the empty flat.
"Bugger."
For a full thirty seconds after killing his neighbour, Oliver Finch did absolutely nothing.
This was not cowardice.
This was processing.
Mr Pritchard lay diagonally across the staircase in a manner that would, under normal circumstances, have required tea and a phone call. Instead, it required… logistics.
Ollie stared at him.
"Right," he said finally, voice thin. "That's… stairs compromised."
The bold text flickered again, helpfully.
CHOKE POINT MAINTAINED.
"I'm aware," Ollie snapped, then immediately winced. "Sorry."
The System did not accept apologies.
He crouched cautiously, keeping the spear between himself and the body like a particularly judgmental walking stick.
Mr Pritchard did not move.
Ollie poked him gently in the shoulder with the reinforced mop handle.
Nothing.
He exhaled.
"Okay," he whispered. "Okay. Fine. That's fine."
It was not fine.
He had just stabbed a pensioner.
Admittedly a reanimated pensioner attempting to bite him in the face, but still.
His brain attempted to present this as a bullet-point list of Concerns:
You have killed someone.
You have used a mop.
You now own a spear.
There are probably more.
The last point lodged firmly in his stomach.
As if on cue, a distant groan drifted through the thin kitchen window.
Then another.
Then a third.
Not close.
But not reassuringly far, either.
Ollie stood up slowly.
He looked at the spear.
It felt… balanced.
Comfortable.
Which was deeply troubling.
He adjusted his grip experimentally.
The shaft rotated smoothly in his hands, as if it had always been designed for this exact hallway.
"That's not normal," he muttered.
WEAPON STABILITY OPTIMISED.
"I didn't ask you to optimise it."
INTENT WAS CLEAR.
"I panicked."
INTENT REMAINS VALID.
Ollie stared at the floating text.
"You're very intense."
The text vanished.
Which somehow felt worse.
He needed a plan.
Plans were good.
Plans involved lists.
He moved into the kitchen, stepping carefully over Mr Pritchard with the sort of awkward politeness one reserved for crowded buses.
"Excuse me," he murmured automatically.
The kitchen window overlooked the narrow lane that ran past the cottage. Stone walls. Hedges. A wheelie bin that had once been blue but was now philosophically grey.
Ollie edged toward the window and lifted the blind slightly.
There were three figures in the lane now.
All of them damp.
All of them moving in the same slow, committed way.
One was Mrs Dalrymple from two doors down.
She had once shouted at him for putting cardboard in the wrong recycling bin.
Now she was chewing vaguely at the air.
Ollie swallowed.
They were clustering.
Not fast.
Not dramatically.
Just… drifting.
Toward noise.
Toward motion.
Toward him.
The System flickered back into existence.
HOSTILE DENSITY: LOW.
RECOMMENDED ACTION: SECURE ENTRY POINTS.
"Right," Ollie breathed. "Yes. That's sensible."
He turned away from the window.
The flat suddenly felt small.
Not claustrophobic.
Just… limited.
Inventory flashed briefly in his mind, unhelpfully accurate:
One reinforced mop-spear.
Three kitchen knives (two redundant).
One moderately sturdy bookcase.
One IKEA shelving unit that had never fully recovered from its own assembly.
Six dining chairs of questionable loyalty.
Duct tape. A lot of duct tape.
He looked toward the front door downstairs.
The lower panel was split.
Mr Pritchard had done that.
Which meant—
He crept back toward the staircase.
Carefully.
The body remained still.
The front door hung half open, one hinge bending at an angle that suggested retirement.
Cool air drifted in.
Along with a faint, persistent groaning.
He could see the lane through the broken panel.
Mrs Dalrymple had noticed.
Her head tilted slightly toward the door.
She shuffled forward.
Ollie felt something tighten in his chest.
Distance.
He gripped the spear.
He did not want to go down there again.
He did not want to test whether "Level 2" meant anything useful.
But the door was open.
And open doors were invitations.
And invitations, apparently, were fatal now.
He descended the stairs slowly, stepping over Mr Pritchard with growing efficiency.
That efficiency unsettled him more than the corpse.
He reached the bottom.
The door creaked as Mrs Dalrymple pressed against it from outside.
Her fingers slid through the broken panel.
Nails scraped wood.
Ollie inhaled shakily.
"Mrs Dalrymple," he began, because apparently he could not stop himself from using polite address in the apocalypse, "I'm going to need you to reconsider."
She pushed harder.
The hinge groaned.
Ollie thrust.
The spear shot forward.
Cleaner this time.
Straighter.
He did not close his eyes.
The blade connected.
Resistance.
Release.
Mrs Dalrymple sagged against the door, then slumped sideways into the lane.
Silence.
Then—
HOSTILE NEUTRALISED.
XP GAINED: 18.
The numbers felt less abstract now.
More transactional.
He pulled the spear back and shut the door with his foot, shoving Mrs Dalrymple gently aside to free the threshold.
"Sorry," he muttered again.
He leaned his weight against the door and pushed it closed fully.
The hinge protested.
He needed reinforcement.
His gaze flicked toward the bookcase.
The System flickered.
QUEST GENERATED: SECURE PERIMETER.
OBJECTIVE: REINFORCE PRIMARY ENTRY POINT.
REWARD: STABILITY BONUS.
Ollie blinked.
"You're gamifying this."
No response.
He exhaled sharply through his nose.
"Fine."
He dragged the small bookcase from the living room.
It scraped loudly across the wooden floor.
Outside, two more heads turned.
The groaning increased slightly in enthusiasm.
"Brilliant," he whispered.
He shoved the bookcase against the door.
It wobbled.
Unimpressed.
He added a chair.
Then another.
The IKEA shelving unit joined the party, pressed sideways into defensive service.
It looked like a student had attempted medieval architecture.
The System pulsed faintly.
STRUCTURAL INTEGRITY: ADEQUATE.
"That's… almost a compliment."
He stepped back.
Sweat prickled at the back of his neck.
His breathing steadied faster than it should have.
The panic remained muted.
Present, but manageable.
As if his brain had been quietly issued a clipboard.
A sudden bang hit the barricade.
Ollie jumped, nearly impaling the ceiling.
Mrs Dalrymple's body had shifted.
Another zombie pressed behind her.
The bookcase held.
Barely.
Ollie stared at it.
"I don't suppose," he said cautiously, "you reinforce furniture?"
The bold text returned.
STRUCTURAL MODIFICATION REQUIRES SUBCLASS: COMBAT ENGINEER.
He frowned.
"Subclass?"
No elaboration followed.
Of course not.
The barricade thudded again.
The chair legs creaked.
Ollie swallowed.
He adjusted his grip on the spear and positioned himself at the top of the stairs again.
Distance.
Choke point.
Measured breathing.
The flat no longer felt like a trap.
It felt like a funnel.
And he was standing at the narrow end.
Outside, three damp figures shuffled and pressed against the door, slow but relentless.
Ollie felt something new settle under the fear.
Not confidence.
Not exactly.
Structure.
There was a system.
Literally.
There were categories.
Objectives.
Stability bonuses.
This wasn't random chaos.
It was… administratively violent.
Another bang.
The bookcase shifted half an inch.
Ollie tightened his grip.
"Well," he murmured.
"If we're doing this."
The bold text flickered faintly, as if pleased.
PRIMARY DIRECTIVE: MAINTAIN DISTANCE.
He exhaled.
"Right."
The apocalypse, it seemed, had come to Kenn.
And it was queueing politely at his front door.