Love is a wonderful, fun thing.
So when I got into university, I was determined to find a wonderful love, study, well, moderately hard, and have a happy university life.
Make a lot of friends, go to a lot of places, dress up a lot, make a lot of memories…
I'm going to have a sparkling life!
It's been two months since I entered university.
So far, I've made a lot of friends, and I think I'm doing well in my club!
But… love, for some reason, isn't going so well.
There are quite a few guys I think are cool. Seniors, classmates.
But, I don't know. I want a boyfriend, but I still haven't met anyone I'd want to be a girlfriend to.
'You might find you don't dislike them once you start dating!'
'Why don't you just try going out with him?'
'Don't you want to avoid graduating university with your age = number of years without a boyfriend?'
The debate on views of love that happens in conversations between friends.
It's true that in this day and age, just having someone agree to date you is a blessing, so I think it's a good idea to just keep trying and do your best to get someone to go out with you.
I do kind of want to experience the situation of having a boyfriend.
If I don't make a move, no chances will come my way!
—But recently, I've been thinking.
(What is love… what is 'like' again?)
Thinking someone is cool and thinking you like someone are two different things.
That's true. I think idols on TV are cool, but that doesn't necessarily lead to liking them.
So what is 'like'?
I think the kind of love I admired was when I experienced someone's actions, their personality, their words, and my heart would pound uncontrollably.
And I would strongly think, I want to be with this person forever.
But that's never happened to me, not once in my life.
Well, reality is just like that.
So everyone compromises, finds a middle ground, and puts up with it.
They find someone who is 'just right.'
So I thought I had to do that too.
—And so.
"Eh? Are you serious when you say you want to go out with me?"
Why do I have to feel like this?
Aah~ that one really hit hard… This might be the first time someone has said something so cruel to me. I'm used to being rejected. I look in the direction Keito-san left.
I don't feel any anger at all.
The reason I don't feel angry is because there's a part of me that understands. Maybe I didn't want to date him that badly either.
It would be rude to say this, but I wasn't that into him either.
So, it's my fault too. We're both to blame.
Phew, I let out a deep breath and turn to go back the way I came—and I see a familiar black cap in the shadows.
…I have to get my spirits back up.
"…You can do it, me."
I whisper to myself.
And then I pop up next to her.
"Eavesdropping, are we? You're a naughty one, too."
"…Mizuho… I'm sorry."
My best friend… Igarashi Koumi, who was making an expression I probably shouldn't show to others, noticed me and apologized, bowing her head.
N-No. It's okay. I know you're kind, Koumi. So don't make that face.
"It's fine, it's fine! You came because you were worried, right? The kindness of Lord Koumi brings this humble servant to tears~!"
"Mizuho…"
Don't look so sad, my lord~!
It's okay, it's okay, I'm fine.
This Mizuho-chan won't be defeated by something like this!
"Man~! I really thought I had a chance! But he shot me down, just like that! Gwaaaah, my HP is at zero now~ yoyoyo."
"…"
Yep, yep! This kind of lightheartedness is just right for me!
And I want Koumi to be smiling, too!
"Things just don't go my way! Lord Koumi, you'll have to wait a little longer for that double date ☆"
"Yeah… I'm sure you'll find someone way better than him, Mizuho."
…Lord Koumi is so kind.
We've been friends since high school, but Koumi and I have never had a fight.
"Uooooooh! I'm getting fired up!! I'm gonna do it~! …So Koumi, you better treasure your current guy, ya hear?"
"Yeah…"
Apparently, Koumi has a guy she's getting along well with now.
Kuu~! I'm so jealous! I've only seen him from a distance, so I don't know, but he seemed to be a good height and cool. I want to at least talk to him sometime! I want to tease them!
But, for now.
"Hey. You have third period with him, right? Go on, get going!"
"Eh… but Mizuho…"
"This humble servant wishes to feel the night breeze for a while~! Don't keep him waiting! Hurry, hurry!"
"…Mizuho."
Koumi turns her back to me with a guilty expression.
Jeez~ why do you have to look so conflicted!
If you're happy now, Koumi, then I'm happy too, you know?
I know that Koumi held onto a childhood crush for a long time and had a hard time. Koumi didn't look back once.
I watched her until she was out of sight, and then I took a breath.
"Haa~. Well, that's just how it is!"
I stretch my arms wide.
This area is a bit far from the lecture hall building, and with third period about to start, there aren't many people around.
I started to walk slowly.
"Alright! For Koumi's sake too, I'll pull myself together and find a new, ma, n."
'Did you really get the wrong idea from that?'
Why is it that my voice is a little, hard to get out?
"I'll, have, to, sta, rt, look, ing"
'You should know your place, right?'
—This, flowing down my cheek.
—This, falling to the ground and making a stain.
Please, stop.
The afternoon classes ended without me absorbing any of the content.
Honestly, I think I was mostly in a daze. It was a relief that my friend who I usually take this class with was absent today. I'm currently taking a break on a chair in a vacant space on campus.
"I got shot down… and that's that…"
I report my failed confession to my group of close classmates on social media. Of course, I left out what was said and Keito-san's true nature.
I got a worried message from Koumi, but I didn't feel like replying right now. I'm sure it's better for Koumi to be spending a fun time with her guy than to be worrying about me.
I closed my phone and leaned back against the backrest.
The setting sun is streaming in through the window.
The sun was about to set.
"Guess I'll go home."
My feet feel heavier than usual. This sucks… I wonder if I can recover my mental state by tomorrow.
But still, I really messed up. It's even more painful that he's a senior in my club, so I'll have to keep seeing him.
Just thinking about it made me feel depressed.
After a while on the train from the station nearest to the university… I'm now squatting in the restroom of my transfer station.
Apparently, I got motion sickness on the train.
"Hahaha… motion sickness on a train, what's that~? Was I always this weak~?"
Pathetic. Truly pathetic.
I look at my reflection in the restroom sink mirror and am shocked at how awful I look. My eyes are terribly red from crying so much, and my makeup is ruined.
My face is unnaturally pale.
(This is awful… if anyone I know saw me like this…)
I take off the rubber band that was tying my hair into twintails.
(This is fine for now.)
I let my hair down into a simple long style, and because I don't want anyone to see my face like this, I put on a mask.
The always cheerful Tonosaki Mizuho is not here right now. But I'll do my best again starting tomorrow, so please forgive me.
"There should be a drugstore nearby, right…"
I want some motion sickness medicine that works even after you've already gotten sick. I dragged my heavy feet and my body, which was screaming with fatigue, out of the station restroom.
What am I even doing?
Getting this hurt just from being rejected by a guy.
If I get this worked up just because his tone was a little harsh, my mental fortitude is still lacking.
'You should know your place, right?'
"…!"
It replays in my head.
They say that memories accompanied by strong emotions are imprinted more strongly, but isn't this too much? The tears come again. Incorrigibly.
I want it to stop. Haven't I cried enough already? I instinctively rub my eyes hard. Crying again just from remembering is so stupid—
—Thud!
An impact on my shoulder.
I bumped into a passerby.
"Tch…! Watch where you're going, ugly…!"
…Huh.
I can't see very well in front of me.
My vision is all messed up.
Did my contact fall out?
This is the worst.
My uncorrected vision is less than 0.1.
"I'm sorry…! I dropped my contact lens…! I'm so sorry…!"
Aah… today really is the worst day. Having no other choice, I get down on the ground. A miserable sight, as if to represent my current state.
—It was then.
"Are you okay? It's a contact lens, right? I'll help you look for it."
"Eh…?"
A voice called out to me. A man's voice.
I raise my head.
My vision is a mess from tears and my poor eyesight, so I can't see clearly, but.
A cummerbund, a black bowtie.
His hair was neatly slicked back, a gentlemanly-looking man was standing there. And in a situation like this.
He's cool, I thought, simply and honestly.
"I'm sorry, thank, you."
And I instinctively bowed my head.
I don't want him to see my awful face.
"Excuse me! We're just looking for a contact lens!"
I'm surprised.
For a woman like me, a man who is clearly at work… is he really going to help?
My head is spinning.
My thoughts won't come together.
It was a strange feeling.
In the middle of this crowd. The other noises faded away. It almost felt as if there was no one else in the world but me and this person.
The sound of my heart, which had started to beat softly, was loud.
"Found it…! I found it!"
How many minutes had passed? It felt like an instant, and it felt like a very long time.
The guy reported to me with a happy voice and brought it over to me.
"Here. Be careful."
"Thank you… so much."
He carefully placed the contact lens on a handkerchief.
The way he handed it to me was so polite.
Maybe it's because of what happened today.
This person's kindness melted into my chest… and overflowed. My container was too small, and the overflowing emotions became tears and flowed out.
But these aren't the same tears of sadness as before.
Right now, I'm smiling.
A warm feeling comes over me.
Tears of joy.
Just then, I realize something.
—Why is my chest pounding so much?
A feeling I've never had before in my life.
"Oh, you don't have to return this handkerchief. Well then!"
"…Eh."
The guy is about to leave.
Eh, wait. Don't go.
I haven't asked you anything yet.
—Don't go!
"Uh, um, please wait a moment!!"
The guy's movements stop.
He turns to look at me.
His figure, as expected, looked so, so wonderful. And then I remembered my own shabby appearance and felt a little disgusted.
Right now, I'm not the always cheerful Tonosaki Mizuho.
"…!"
I have to at least ask his name, or I have to thank him properly, or why did you help me?
So many words started to spin in my head. And all the while, continuously. Non-stop. My heart was pounding, thump, thump, thump.
It should have been soft before. It's loud, it's loud, it's so loud!
Stop it! Let me talk!
I might never see him again!
Give me courage! Please, God!
"Um… sorry, I'm in a hurry!"
"…Ah."
I reach out my hand.
Pathetically.
But it doesn't reach.
The sound of the world returns, and daily life resumes.
It feels as if that moment was a lie, but the heat that remains in my body and the handkerchief in my right hand deny it.
(Stupid… stupid, stupid, stupid! I'm so stupid…!)
I should have at least asked his name.
If I at least knew his name, I might have been able to return the handkerchief!
And…!
(What should I do, what should I do…!)
I crumpled to the ground again.
My heart is still pounding loudly.
'An uncontrollable pounding in my chest.'
—Aah, maybe this is.
"…Huh?"
…Something is on the ground.
I picked it up.
"A ballpoint, pen?"
It was, at first glance, an ordinary ballpoint pen.
It's not mine. Which means it belongs to the person who helped me look so hard for my contact…?
I felt like I had seen it somewhere before, and I twirled the pen in my fingers—
"…Eh."
A ballpoint pen.
The part you hold.
There's a logo on it.
The logo of the university I attend.
This is a ballpoint pen that's given to all new students at my university.
"No way… eh…! Then the person from just now is…!"
My fate has been set in motion.