SF Chapter 119: Superbad Premiere III
Dani sat between Penny and Alexandra, with Mischa sitting right beside her.
Amanda Seyfried and Lindsay Lohan were sitting nearby as well.
Claire, Phil, Charlie, and Alan were seated one row behind them. The rest of the family was scattered throughout the theater.
Within the first few minutes, Claire was already horrified by the amount of swearing and vulgarity in the movie. Phil, on the other hand, laughed at nearly every scene.
"Whoa, this movie feels way more like you, Dani," Lexi muttered sarcastically.
"Yeah, that sounds exactly like every fifth-grade joke he's ever made," Mischa agreed.
[Jay and Gloria commentary]
"The movie is too vulgar. Thankfully, I didn't let Manny watch it," Gloria remarked.
"I think so too," Jay agreed. "At first, I thought it was just dumb teenage jokes... but then..." he admitted, "I couldn't stop laughing."
Gloria just glared at him.
[Commentary ends]
On the big screen, one of the movie's most iconic scenes began. Evan and Seth were sitting in the cafeteria when Evan said:
"No shit. I'd give my left foot to start dating Helen. She's killin' me."
"Ah, Helen's a bitch," Seth scoffed.
Evan slammed his fist on the table.
"I'm fuckin' sick of this shit, man! Seriously. Why do you hate her? Is there even an actual reason? Because seriously, I'm beginning to think you like her," Evan snapped.
"Hell no! I hate her."
"Why?"
Seth took a deep breath. "Fine, Evan. Here it comes. When I was a little kid, I kind of had this problem. And it's not even that big of a deal."
"Something like eight percent of kids do it, but whatever. It's..." he paused.
"For some reason, I don't know why, I would just kind of sit around all day... and draw pictures of dicks."
The theater burst into laughter at the confession.
On screen, Evan looked completely bewildered. "What?"
"Draw pictures of d*cks."
"D*icks? Like a man d*ck?"
"Yeah. Like a man d*ck."
Then a montage of flashbacks showed young Seth (age 10) drawing pictures of d*cks in various places - a park, at home, in a sandbox, and finally, in a school classroom.
"Oh my GOD! You men are impossible!" Penny burst into hysterical laughter.
"What the hell, Dani?!" Mischa exclaimed, quickly covering her mouth.
Lexi was trying hard to stay stoic, while Lindsay and Amanda also broke into laughter.
The music somehow made the vulgarity even funnier.
Further off to one side, Haley had a look of complete disbelief on her face, while two groups couldn't stop laughing - Leonard, Raj, and Howard; Ross, Chandler, and Joey.
Seth's voice could be heard narrating, "I'd just sit there for hours on end drawing d*cks. I don't know what it was. I couldn't touch the pen to paper without it drawing a penis."
Young Seth is still sitting at his desk drawing penises.
"I was very secretive about this d*ck thing I had going. After all, even I thought I was a loon. Lord knows what other people would've thought. So I would take all my d*ck drawings and stick them in this Muppet lunchbox I had."
We see Young Seth sticking a picture of a penis into a lunchbox filled with pieces of paper.
"So one day I was finishing up a picture of a real big and triumphant veiny bastard when all of a sudden-" he continued narrating.
Young Seth drops the picture of the d*ck off his desk. It floats down and lands at the feet of a cute little girl, YOUNG HELEN.
"You hit Helen's foot with your d*ck?" Evan widened his eyes.
The little girl picks up the picture and looks at it with a truly disturbed expression. Young Seth grabs the picture from her and shoves it into his lunchbox.
"Well, she fucking flipped. She started crying and shit. Ratted me out." Seth revelead. "The principal finds my cock-Muppet lunchbox, and he fucking flips."
A FLASHBACK of Young Seth sitting in the principal's office. The Muppet lunchbox is open and the penis drawings are completely covering his desk.
"It turns out the principal was some crazy religious guy, and he thought I was possessed by some dick devil or something."
"So he calls my parents, and they make me go to a psychologist who kept asking me all these d*ck questions."
Seth finished the story. "My parents wouldn't even let me eat dick-shaped foods for, like, months! No carrots, no Popsicles, no hot dogs. You know how many fucking foods are shaped like d*cks?"
Evan was half amazed, half amused. "Wow. That's really messed up. Super gay."
Inside the theater, the audience was dying of laughter. Even the most puritanical people couldn't hold back their laughter.
[Hilary Duff commentary]
The Disney princess looked slightly bewildered. "When I saw the first drawing, I was like, 'What is wrong with Dani?'"
"Then they showed more drawings... and more drawings... and I was like, 'WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS BOY?!'"
"But I don't know when it happened - I was laughing so hard I couldn't stop," she admitted.
[Commentary ends]
After laughing for a while, Lexi smirked. "How much of that was autobiographical, Dani?" she asked mockingly, since she knew he used to draw a lot as a kid.
Mischa turned her head, clearly wanting to hear the answer.
"Not much," Dani replied nonchalantly. "But sometimes I'd draw in other kids' notebooks as a joke."
[Claire and Phil commentary]
"I can't believe he did something so vulgar," Claire said, looking utterly stunned.
Phil, sitting beside her, shrugged. "I thought it was hilarious. And Claire couldn't stop laughing after the first part either."
"Phil!" she snapped.
"I'm just relieved I never caught Dani doing something like that as a kid. He was a troublemaker, but not that kind of troublemaker." She made a face.
[Commentary ends]
[Charlie, Alan and Evelyn Commentary]
"At least the audience seemed to enjoy it," Evelyn commented dryly.
"The irony is that out of my three sons, Alan was the only one I ever caught draws of penises in notebooks and on other things," she revealed.
Alan glared at his mother.
"That wasn't even the worst part," Charlie dismissed it. "There was this one time I caught Alan with a carved watermelon that had a face and an O-shaped mouth hole."
"You told me that's how astronauts trained," Alan snapped back at his brother.
[Commentary ends]
[Sheldon commentary]
"I don't really understand why people were laughing at images of phalluses, and erect ones at that," the physicist said with a judgmental expression.
He was basically one of the only people who didn't burst into laughter during that part of the movie.
[Commentary ends]
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