"Hurry up Morty, Grampa's about to unfreeze time. You know you really should be cleaning from top to bottom." Commented Summer, nagging her youngest siblings for his, supposedly, inadequate cleaning of their parents using a vacuum.
"I know how to vacuum mom and dad, Summer. I've been doing it for six months!" Morty countered angrily as he continued cleaning his parents with a vacuum
"Then you've been doing it wrong for six months!" Summer said angrily before turning to Lorimer, who was watching from his room's window "and this wouldn't have happened if you let us borrow that cat head butler guy"
Suddenly, a guy with an adorable cat head wearing butler clothes peeked out of the window and meowed.
"Because, Summer, i am not your slave and this is America. My slave doesn't mean our slave." Said Lorimer calmly as he sipped some of his strawberry juice while the cat butler held Morty jr
"Jeez! I thought you were gonna say something about freedom or whatever." Said Morty with a deep frown
"Yeah, that too" deadpanned Lorimer
"You two have dropped so many balls, man." Said Summer in disappointment before her face controrted into a smile "Do you ever feel scared Grampa Rick might make me his new sidekick?"
"What? What kind of monster are you?!" Yelled Morty angrily
"A competent one?" Summer replied smugly
"And a stupid one. I'm not Rick's sidekick. I go on these stupid adventures because I'm either forced to or have been bribed. In Rick's words, i am the second smartest man in the universe" said Lorimer calmly before taking a very long and loud sip of his strawberry juice "i should write an autobiography. Imagine the tragic tale of a genius born to family with a heavyweight narcissist and a horny idiot for siblings"
"Hey! It only happened, like, two times!" Replied Morty angrily
"One of them caused an actual apocalypse, Mortimer. You've lost all right to speak against anything i say." Deadpanned Lorimer, causing Morty to falter and shut up
"Who cares about the *burp* thing you guys are talking about? The whole point of freezing time is to stop giving a fuck. Put a shirt on your dumb dad and let's get this dumb universe rolling. Let's do this thing." Said Rick as he entered the scene before Morty puts Jerry's shirt back on backwards "Alright, listen, you two, we froze time for a pretty long time, so when I unfreeze it, the world's time is gonna be fine, but our time's gonna need a little time to, you know, stabilize."
"Oh no! I have to lock myself in my room!" Said Lorimer with an enormous smile "and I'm totally sad about it!"
"Wait, our time's gonna be unstable? What does that even mean?" Asked Morty in confusion
"It means relax and stop being a pussy, Morty. I thought you learned that by now. It also means don't touch your parents or we could shatter into countless theoretical shards." Said Rick calmly ;and before the information caught up to Morty he continued "Lorimer get down! You have to greet your parents."
"Fine, but I'm still locking myself in my room at the earliest opportunity" said Lorimer with a frown as Morty was panicking about the time thing
"Just get down, you antisocial psychopath" deadpanned Rick before Lorimer quickly got in front of the door where everyone stood
"Hey! I'm not a psy-"
"You killed three people today and was going to kill more had i not shut down the party" deadpanned Rick, causing Lorimer to shut up. Then he pressed the button to restart time, much to Morty and Summer's panic after saying "and away we go!"
And with that, time began to move again.
"Did we ever put that mattress under Mr Benson?" Asked Morty before Rick immediately shushed him
"Is that his name? It's suprr awkward to see him since i don't know his name and he knows mine" said Lorimer with a shiver
"Shush!" Exclaimed Rick
Soon, Jerry entered with a yell "A THING OR TWO ABOUT- wait, what? Was the house...? When we pulled up I could have sworn the house was completely trashed." Said Jerry in confusion
"Negative visualization, Jerry. It explains a lot about where you're at" said Rick calmly
"Yeah, dad. Do you really have that little faith in us? If you're doubting us so much, maybe you should doubt those parenting skills of yours too" added Lorimer with a smile "hi, mom"
"Hi, sweetie" said Rick with a smile before Beth approached
"Hi, dad" said Beth as she tried to hug Rick and Lorimer
Lorimer, feeling the danger, decided to make up a story "wait! Mom! Uhh...one of my experiments went bad and we all got some virus. You can't touch us right now because it's spread by touch."
"But you guys look fine to me" said Beth, raising a brow in confusion
"Uhh" Lorimer didn't know how to add to his claims, but luckily, Rick knew.
"*couch* it's just a precaution in case some of the virus survived" said Rick after clearing his throat "don't worry about us, me and Lori made a cure. Right, kids?"
"Yup, super awful" "we had to stay in bed for hours" said Morty and Summer in union
"Bwa bwa" said Junior cutely
"Yeah, uh listen, why do—why do—why—why don't you guys go get a free Sundae ice cream" said Rick as he pulled out a bundle of money and put it on the ground "go out there and get some ice creams. Here's five hundred dollars cash in unmarked moneys. I'm just gonna put it on the floor and uh, kick it on over to ya. You guys go nuts."
"Wait, wouldn't there be a chance we get infected by your virus if we touch that money?" asked Jerry, raising a brow as he scratched his head in confusion
'Damn it! Do you really have to be smart now?!' Lorimer yelled internally "uhh, the virus is allergic to paper"
"Then why didn't you just wipe your bodies with paper or something?" Asked Jerry "wouldn't that have killed the-"
"God f*king damn it, Jerry. Just take the f*king money!" "Do you honestly think this is time to act like a bloody smartass in front of two of the smartest beings in the universe?! Take the f*king money!"
"Okay, okay. I'll take the money" said Jerry shrinking from both Rick and Lorimer yelling at him "but this better not be a bribe. If i find a single thing out of place, my love for ice cream won't save you. I'll get my jacket"
As Jerry was walking up the stairs to find his jacket, Beth noticed something; Jerry's shirt was on backwards! "Sweety, is your shirt on backwards?"
Everyone sweatdropped after hearing that. They were anxious about Jerry's reply...until it actually happened "yeah, i like it this way. I'm not stupid"
Everyone let out a sigh of relief. "Man, that guy is the red grin grumble to pretending he knows what's going on." Said Rick, causing Summer and Morty to laugh and Lorimer to frown "oh, you like that one, huh? You like that red grin grumble reference? Well, guess what? I made him up. You really are your father's children. Be more like Lorimer, don't be sheep"
"Make the references! Don't just listen to them" added Lorimer
"Cat butler, your turn" said Lorimer calmly
Cat butler shook his head in defeat. Lorimer groaned as a result. Lorimer, Junior and cat butler were now sitting at a table in Lorimer's room, playing games.
"How could this be...? How did we both lose to Junior?!" He exclaimed in utter bafflement "we're playing poker! I guess it's monopoly ne-"
Suddenly, Lorimer felt something change. "What the-" "what's goin-"
It was at that moment, Lorimer remembered that the timeline was split today.
"Oh fuck" "oh fduck" (A/n: that's not a typo)
A normal person would be slightly aware of the his split existence, even hear their other self a little. Lorimer, however, had an extremely modified body that could clearly hear himself even through the split timeline.
"Good reference" "proud of that one"
"How are we gonna fix this? There's no way out" "we're trapped, there must be a way to fix this"
Outside, there was only space...and cats...shrodinger cats... a lot of them.
The two Lorimers put their hands on their chins and thought about it for a few seconds before remembering something.
"Fleshy hobo time officer!" "Soggy lollipop time police!"
The then began crafting a plan and it didn't look very good.
It was horrible.
"What the heck is going on here?!" Asked the fleshy time guy (Narrator note: I'll just call him fleshy) (he's not the one that visited Rick and the others)
In front of Fleshy was a tremendous number of scenes...of pure chaos. There were Lorimers doing all kinds of things to break existence even more, but for the sake of this narrator's laziness, let's focus on one main Lorimer.
"This is fine" said Lorimer in a tone that didn't sound fine as he pet cat butler while Junior drooled on his head...also everything was on ducking fire...it quacks like a duck and it's fire "so fine that i can't stand it. Please, fix this"
Not a second later, Fleshy stuck a special collar on Lorimer, Junior and cat butler; immediately stabilizing their time.
"Finally!" said Lorimer in relief before heartlessly dropping cat butler on the floor and snapping his fingers, returning the room to it's original form. Lorimer held Junior in his hands and continued speaking "thanks for that"
"What was all that about?" Asked Fleshy in confusion
"My time broke- that really sounds weird now that i say it out loud."
"Yeah, it does" replied Fleshy with a shrug
"I've been told about the great and incredible time...police? Officers? Patrol?" Said Lorimer, trying to appeal to Fleshy with a forced smile "who'll help if i make enough noise"
"You don't know anything" "nope"
"*sigh* how did this happen?"
"I don't know" said Lorimer with nervous smile
Fleshy then pulled out an odd looking slug and pointed it at Lorimer "*sigh* looks like we're taking you in for questioning"
"Wait!" Lorimer yelled out, causing Fleshy to lower his weapon "how about this, you forget any of this happened...and i bribe you?"
"Geez! You're not supposed to say it!"
"Does that mean you accept?" Asked Lorimer with a smile
"Hell no!" Said Fleshy, pointing the gun at Lorimer again.
Suddenly, before anyone could even move, a vine riddled with thorns rose from the ground and impaled Fleshy's slug, killing it.
"You just killed my gun" said Fleshy in shock and disbelief
"Which means you need a new one!" Said Lorimer cheerfully "me, the victim in this situation, will provide you with a limited opportunity to make your own custom gun slug thing!"
"Hmm"
Seeing that Fleshy was considering his deal, Lorimer continued "also, I'll provide you with one more item of your choosing that is inside this room and is not this room or me or the baby"
"Hmmmmmm, that does sound good" said Fleshy as he considered the offer
"It also comes with a biological massage chair that adjusts itself to your absolute comfort and eats garbage if you wanna be lazy"
"Deal!"
"Yes!"
Fleshy gladly took a new gun slug. It now fires fire, ice and lightning and is now in the shape of a dragon head caterpillar (that actually exist. It looks really cool). It still did it's time stuff since they used the dna of the old one to make it.
So, after securing the massage chair, there was only one thing left: an item of Fleshy's choice.
"Hey, do you have anything...anime?"
"Oooh, a fellow intellectual" said Lorimer with a smile "let me introduce you to my waifu maker"
Lorimer snapped his fingers, causing a hole in the ground to app. He then pulled out a small remote control for the contraption and gave it to Fleshy before sitting down.
Fleshy shrugged as he held the remote and pressed the 'on' button. An odd looking slime appeared fro. The hole.
"It's merely for choosing shapes. It's not the real thing...yet. they come with personality too"
Fleshy put a hand on his chin "what do you even use them for?"
"Nothing, just cool to have, i guess. I'm not good at relationships"
"You mean to tell me that you cam create actual anime waifus and you refuse to do anything with them? Even have them emotionally console you?"
"Look, I'm socially awkward. It's embarrassing to think about being in a relationship or something" said Lorimer with a frown
"How about just making yourself handsome and dating?" Asked Fleshy in shock
"Nope" said Lorimer popping the 'P'
Fleshy stared at Lorimer in disbelief for a few dezen seconds "I figured out what i want"
"What?"
"Seeing your sad, miserable, lonely, pitiful, pathetic, single-" said Fleshy, causing Lorimer to frown harder and harder with every insult "-limp dick, spineless- wait i need a dictionary. I haven't used enough words"
"Your point?!" Asked Lorimer trying not to yell
"Yes, i found what i want"
"Have a happy honeymoon" said Lorimer in a dull tone
"We will" said Fleshy as he held his new wife "I'll make sure she's the happiest woman in the universe"
Fleshy chose a wife. A wife that was given artificial memory to give her personality. Fleshy loved his wife who honestly looked like a lollipop since Lorimer made her head very smooth.
Without anything else stopping them, the newly wed couple left the house and disappeared.
"Who was that?" Asked Beth in confusion who was standing outside the house with the rest of the family
"A friend who needed a check up on his wife. She was very sick lately, but she's all right now" said Lorimer with a smile
"Aww, that's so sweet of you, Lori" said Beth with a soft smile "i got you a surprise on the way here, looks like you deserve it"
"Aww, thanks"
"Huh, you also have one of those collars?" Said Jerry in confusion
"Just forget it. I'll head inside. It's been a long day" said Beth with a smile and Jerry followed her
"Let me guess, the wife's illness was an urgent case of not existing an half an hour ago" deadpanned Rick
"Very severe case" added Lorimer
"Dang it, grandpa Rick, why don't you a thirst trap like that too?!" Said Summer angrily
"Because! I actually engage in actual relationships with other people! Unlike a certain someone whose only semblance of interaction with the opposite gender is nervous laughter!"
"Is everyone really gonna pull the socially inept card?!" Yelled Lorimer angrily
"""Yes!""" Replied Rick, Morty and Summer
"I'm telling mom about everything" deadpanned Lorimer before his family immediately pounced on him
"""No!"""