"To be honest, I don't really like talking to that guy. He's probably the least civilized one out of all of us. You should know he's a World War II veteran, and on top of that he's a Captain. The man swears like it's his native language. But these days he's just one of the founding members of the Alliance, so you don't have to pay too much attention to him."
Tony spread his hands and patiently explained it to the still slightly confused Peter.
To be fair, officers from that era really did swear like crazy.
Back then, cursing practically came standard with the uniform. But when Peter thought about how weak Steve had been before the serum, basically like a scrawny little chick, he could not help wondering whether the guy had dared to mouth off to people the same way even back then.
"He's... definitely distinctive."
"Oh man, now I'm kind of missing my grandpa. He used to swear a lot too."
Gwen said from the side.
Peter had actually met her grandfather before, but in his memory, the old man had always seemed warm and kind. He did not remember hearing him swear at all...
"Your grandpa was a veteran too?"
Tony asked curiously.
Judging by the girl's age, her grandfather should not have been old enough to fight in World War II.
Unless he had become a father ridiculously late in life.
"No, he learned it from my great-grandpa."
"And your great-grandpa was..."
"A slave owner."
"Right. Forget I asked."
Gwen's answer left Tony speechless. He awkwardly shook his head and said nothing else.
"Are all Spider-People this good at talking trash?"
Tony lowered his voice and asked Peter, who was already laughing so hard his stomach hurt.
"I think so..."
Peter stared ahead absentmindedly at the two people fighting in close combat.
To be fair, that mechanical spider monster was not weak at all. In fact, it was much stronger than the villains he had faced in the Ultimate Universe. He really had to admit that Hydra's technology was seriously impressive.
And yet, the Captain was handling it with ease.
No wonder the guy was famous for being able to go even with anyone. He never truly lost to anyone, but he never completely overwhelmed anyone either.
Valleta's spider legs stabbed toward the Captain, but he blocked them with his shield and immediately answered with a punch wrapped in flames.
"Wait, how is he on fire?!"
Peter's eyes widened in surprise.
Was this guy some kind of fusion between the Human Torch and Captain America?
No, that could not be right.
He was Steve Rogers.
Had he mutated or something?
"You haven't seen what he looked like when he first thawed out. He got freaked out by how much the world had changed, burst into flames, and burned his underwear right off."
Tony seemed to remember something funny and eagerly shared it with Peter.
"Tony, you absolute moron, I ought to stuff you in a toilet and fix your brain with a plunger! Damn it, I've never seen anyone dumber than you!"
The Captain flung his shield into Valleta, then turned and gave Tony the middle finger.
"I feel like a civil war is about to happen."
Peter twitched at the corner of his mouth, thoroughly speechless.
At this rate, if those two did not split into opposing factions and start fighting each other, it would feel stranger than if they did.
Then again, Tony really was bullying an eighty-year-old man.
Not exactly a classy move.
"Since you guys are here, I think we're heading back. Honestly, I'd like to get back to my birthday."
Peter looked at the two of them arguing while they fought, then glanced at Tony, who was half watching and half enjoying the show, and decided he should take Gwen back and continue eating.
After all, if this was three or four blocks away, it probably would not affect his house. He might as well use the chance to eat properly and get some rest.
"Spider-kid, what a coincidence, it's your birthday today. I don't really have anything on me to give you, so how about I give you a nanotech Spider Suit?"
Right.
The world of rich people really was impossible to understand.
They just handed out things like this like it was nothing.
As if money grew on trees.
Then again, for people like them, maybe it pretty much did.
"If you really want to give one away, make one for her instead. I've already got plenty of suits, and I already have nanotech too, so don't worry about me."
Never refusing free stuff was basically a sacred principle to Peter, so of course that was what he said.
"Sure. You can pick it up from Stark Industries anytime. You're both welcome there."
"Motherf... Tony, quit standing around and help!!!"
The Captain might have had a reputation for being evenly matched with anyone, but Valleta was still a full-on tech monster. And those swarms of little spider creatures really were a pain to deal with. When it came to this kind of specialized tech nonsense, the old man was completely out of his depth.
At that moment, several Tiger tanks rolled in from somewhere.
Getting those things into the middle of the city was obviously no small matter.
Who had sent them was anyone's guess, but they immediately opened fire on both Valleta and the Captain without hesitation.
In most people's minds, nothing alive could survive a tank bombardment.
But this time was different.
The next second, the deafening roar of artillery shook the entire street.
When the smoke finally cleared, people could see what had happened.
The street, which had still been mostly intact before, had now been blasted to pieces by shells. Yet the two figures standing at the center of the explosions had not been blown to bits like everyone expected.
The Captain was wrapped in a strange layer of flames, and those flames had protected him perfectly. Not only had he not been hurt, his attacks even looked stronger than before.
Valleta, on the other hand, now had a blackened mech shell. She glared hatefully at the Tiger tanks. Although her pain receptors had been removed, she could still feel the heat burning through her.
Thankfully, her armor was hard enough. Otherwise, she really might have been blown apart.
Just then, a reporter from some station showed up in a helicopter like they had no fear of death at all.
And the second they got out, the cameraman and reporter shoved the camera and microphone straight into Peter's face, leaving him caught completely off guard.
Good lord.
This was heading straight for live television.
"We're from the New York Daily, and we're broadcasting live across the country! Mr. Wraith Spider, what do you think about the Captain battling a giant spider monster?"
The shapely reporter holding the microphone asked Peter.
Peter, however, acted totally at ease. He took the mic from her, turned toward the camera, and waved cheerfully.
"Hello, everyone!"
"Welcome to Free America: Explosions Every Day. Your friendly neighborhood guy is me, Wraith Spider!"
"Now let's take a look at today's disaster zone. That's right. It's New York again!! And the one fighting the monster up front is the Captain, a hardworking elderly man who's been serving his country for decades. He may look young, but he's actually over eighty years old..."
"And that spider monster looks like she's not even thirty! So what exactly could have caused a young person in her twenties to violently beat up an eighty-year-old man?!"
"Is this the collapse of morality, or the destruction of human nature?! We may never know..."
"Uh... why do I feel like you're more professional than I am?"
The beautiful reporter asked awkwardly.
"Maybe I was just born gifted."
"Shut up, you damn spider! Can you not talk trash about people right in front of them?!"
Hearing himself being slandered, the Captain turned and shouted.
"Come on, you're an eighty-year-old man. It's hard enough for me to get on TV. Don't interrupt, okay?"
Peter raised a middle finger, then turned back to the camera.
"As everyone knows, this is probably a long-standing historical issue! Back in World War II, Comrade Steve the Patriot and Hydra built up quite a lot of bad blood. So naturally, when enemies meet, things get heated fast! If you want to know more about their history, follow my Google account, 8653xxxx, where I'll explain everything in detail!"
"You spider idiot!"
"Shut it, Captain America Butt!"
"You little..."
Before the Captain could finish, his distraction got him hit by Valleta. He was sent flying hard into a fire hydrant, which burst open and blasted him skyward in a huge spray of water.
"Look, Comrade Steve is so awesome he literally took off into the sky!"
Pointing at the Captain, who was currently arcing through the air and about to slam back down, Peter spoke with all the dramatic feeling of a born commentator, his mouth every bit as sweet and vicious as the man himself.
(End of Chapter)
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