This should have been an ordinary, peaceful day in Axel.
Kōichi Hayashi was sitting in the most conspicuous seat in the Adventurers Guild, counting the Eris he'd managed to save these past few days by squeezing his teammates dry. He was planning to treat this pack of troublemakers to a good meal tonight, assuming Aqua didn't order the most expensive sparkling wine on the menu, and Darkness didn't start making the kind of flushed expression at the table that would make the people next to them call the authorities.
But just as Kazuma was supporting his aching lower back, and Megumin was proudly bragging about how yesterday's Explosion Magic had blown something up with real artistic flair, the emergency alarm bell on the guild roof, which had sat silent for ages, suddenly let out a harsh, heavy peal.
"What's going on?! Did the Giant Cabbages migrate early? Or did the sewer Slimes in town riot?!" Aqua yelped. The empty bottle in her hand dropped straight to the floor, and she shrank behind Kōichi like a startled cat.
The guild doors were slammed open, and a scout Thief came scrambling in, practically crawling as he stumbled forward. His face was so pale it looked like Wiz had just touched him.
"S-something terrible's happened! Outside the city gates... that rumored Demon King's General, the Dullahan Beldia... h-he came charging over wrapped in black miasma! He's shouting at the gate, demanding a fight to the death with that insane woman from the Crimson Demon Clan who throws dung at his head every day!"
The guild fell completely silent for an instant, then exploded into unprecedented chaos.
Kōichi and Kazuma looked at each other, and in that moment, the two Reincarnators reached a kind of soul-level understanding that transcended time and space.
It was the instinct to seek advantage and avoid danger. In simpler terms, the instinct to run like hell.
A Demon King's General? That was the kind of boss character who only showed up late in a hotblooded manga, the sort who could wreck the world at the drop of a hat. Why was something like that showing up in a beginner town meant for newbie leveling? And just listen to that title. Dullahan. It sounded like exactly the kind of nightmare enemy with physical immunity and curses stacked to the ceiling.
"Hey, Kōichi." Kazuma lowered his voice. His back still wasn't fully healed, so there was a faint hiss in his breathing when he spoke, but his eyes were unusually clear. "I don't know which suicidal lunatic has been throwing manure at his head every day, but since he specifically came looking for some crazy Crimson Demon girl, and we just so happen to have one in our party..."
He glanced at Megumin, who was trembling with fury and already preparing to roll up her sleeves and storm out to argue, then at Aqua, who was hiding behind Kōichi and trying to wipe her snot on his cloak.
"...I think trying to play hero right now is the kind of thing that gets written on your tombstone." With a grave expression, Kazuma patted the back of Kōichi's hand. "While every adventurer in town is rushing for the front gate, if we head back to the stables now, grab our luggage, and take the water route to the next town to lie low for a while, we can probably still make it, right?"
Kōichi nodded firmly in full agreement. As a Wizard who pursued a high-quality life in another world, not a glorious martyr's death, Kōichi felt Kazuma's proposal was correct on a textbook level.
"Couldn't agree more, Kazuma." Kōichi grabbed Aqua by the back of the collar and yanked her out from behind him like a chick. "As much as I'd love to see what kind of hero would actually blow up a General's lair, for the sustainable development of our party, I think a strategic withdrawal is the smarter move."
He turned toward Megumin, who was still hopping mad, and Darkness, who looked full of righteous conviction, and issued his orders.
"Megumin, put your staff away. Darkness, put that greatsword away too. Listen carefully. There's a lunatic outside looking for trouble, and to avoid getting caught in the blast radius, we are immediately launching Operation Great Axel Evacuation. Objective: the luggage in the stables. Move out!"
"Huh?! Run away?!" Darkness cried out in disbelief, and there was even a note of genuine anguish in her voice. "Kōichi-sama! As a noble, as a Knight, how can we abandon the city and flee in the face of the Demon King's Army?! What if that Dullahan charges into town and subjects the helpless civilians to all kinds of cruel, depraved, unspeakable torment?! I... I have to stay and stop him! Please, let me stand beneath his iron hooves!"
"We'll deal with that if he actually comes in! Right now he's still outside yelling at the gate!" Kōichi shot back irritably, then glanced at Megumin, who looked visibly guilty while still trying her best to act dignified.
Megumin's eyes were darting all over the guild floor as she muttered under her breath, "...castle... dung... no, that was clearly just the aftershock of art... why is that pile of bones so petty..."
Kōichi didn't catch what she was mumbling. He just assumed she'd been scared silly.
He and Kazuma each grabbed one side, dragging along Aqua, who was still howling that she hadn't finished her drink, and Darkness, whose head was already full of thoughts about what kind of pose she should strike after being captured. Keeping low and hugging the guild wall, they tried to slip out through the back door.
But fate loved making jokes at the worst possible moment.
Just as they slipped into the alley behind the guild and were about to sprint full speed for the stables, Luna-san's tearful voice came blaring out over the guild loudspeaker.
"A-attention, all adventurers! According to eyewitness reports, Beldia-sama the Dullahan is holding a portrait... The portrait depicts a girl in a red-and-black robe with an exaggerated eyepatch, who appears every day at exactly two in the afternoon on the north slope of the abandoned castle! This girl is to present herself immediately, or Beldia-sama will begin cursing the entire town!"
Kōichi and Kazuma froze at the same time.
Two o'clock... red-and-black robe... exaggerated eyepatch...
Slowly, the two of them turned their heads toward Megumin, who was sprawled over Kazuma's back and had now buried her face in his collar in a desperate attempt to play dead.
"...Kazuma, do you remember where you've been going every day at two in the afternoon these past few days?"
Kōichi asked in a stiff voice.
Kazuma swallowed, cold sweat running down from his temples. "...That deserted... abandoned castle... the north slope..."
Kōichi and Kazuma Satou had already worked out an escape route. They had even agreed on an excuse in case they got caught, that Megumin had taken them hostage.
But just as the group was crouching low, ready to disappear completely at the end of the alley, the Crusader, who was usually so full of indecent nonsense and practically wished a monster would knead her into a ball, suddenly stopped.
Darkness stood in the shadows of the narrow alley, her silver armor giving off a cold gleam beneath the gloomy sky.
Slowly, she drew the two-handed greatsword that had almost never hit its target. The flush on her face faded completely, replaced by a solemnity that felt strangely unfamiliar, the dignity of a noble.
"Kōichi, Kazuma," she said softly, her voice so steady it was hard to believe this was the same trembling masochist. "My attack power as an adventurer may be negligible, but the blood of the Dustiness family runs through my veins. Protecting the people and defending the town is an oath engraved into a knight's crest. If that Demon King's General truly intends to vent his anger through curses, then I will bear it all."
She turned and gave the stunned group a smile that was strikingly gallant, though still faintly tainted by her incorrigible nature.
"You take Megumin and Aqua and go. I'll do my best to buy you time. After all... to be thoroughly ravaged by an opponent on the level of a Demon King's General, or even be afflicted with the kind of curse that leaves me unable to live or die. That is the highest honor a knight could ask for! Ah... just imagining it, I'm already..."
"Keep that sacred, untouchable look on your face until the very end, you damn pervert!" Kazuma roared despite himself, his urge to run and his conscience fighting viciously inside his head. "Kōichi! What do we do? This woman's gone completely into self-sacrifice, or rather self-satisfaction, mode! If we really leave, she's probably going to get minced by that Dullahan with the happiest look on her face!"
Kōichi looked at Darkness, whose expression was serious even though her eyes were already starting to unfocus, clearly drifting off into her own fantasy world. Then he looked at Megumin, who was so ashamed she practically wanted to bury her head in the dirt, and at Aqua, who was clutching at his clothes and trembling like a wind-up toy.
Running away really was the best option, but if they abandoned this perverted yet incredibly dependable meat shield, then who was going to tank the hits for their team's future quality of life?
Kōichi took a deep breath and drew back the foot he had already started to step out of town with.
He walked over to Darkness and slapped her solid shoulder guard with a sharp smack.
"That's enough, Darkness. Your motivation may be noble, but your destination is obviously some deeply unhealthy doujin." Kōichi flashed a smile even more demonic than Beldia's. "Kazuma, plan canceled. That Dullahan may be strong, but I just realized we happen to have a Goddess whose specialty lines up perfectly with this. Besides, since Megumin blew up his place, if we run off now and that General starts coming to Axel every day to camp us out, that would be the real nightmare."
Kōichi turned and stared straight at Aqua.
"Aqua, listen carefully. That Beldia is Undead, right? You're the Goddess of Water. If you can't even deal with a skeleton on horseback, then I really will sell you to a Succubus shop as a supplier of holy foot-washing water. Got it?"
"Waaahhh! Kōichi, you devil! I'll do it! I'll do it, waaahhh!" Aqua bawled as she started gathering divine power in her palm.
Kōichi jerked his chin at Kazuma, who was still standing there with a blank look on his face.
"Let's go, Kazuma. Time to meet this Demon King's General. Since we can't run, let's show him something. The scariest thing in Axel isn't Explosion Magic. It's our pack of lunatics."