In this pure white space, where there was nothing but emptiness and a few plastic chairs, an extremely shrill, malicious peal of laughter echoed through the air.
"Pfft... hahahaha! Cardiac arrest! You actually thought you got hit by a tractor, but all that happened was you pissed yourself from the scare, and then your heart stopped in the hospital while the doctors and nurses were laughing at you! Hahahaha, Kazuma Satou, you have got to be the most ridiculously unique person to die in the past few hundred years!"
Aqua, the Water Goddess, was rolling all over her fancy sofa without the slightest dignity, laughing so hard tears were coming out, one slender finger nearly jabbing Kazuma Satou right in the nose.
Meanwhile, Kazuma, sitting on a cheap plastic chair, had gone from pale to green, then from green to purple, radiating the kind of gloom that said, "I don't even care if the world ends anymore."
Just as the awkwardness reached its absolute limit, a crack suddenly split open above their heads.
Right after that, with an especially loud "Ow!", a figure dropped through it and slammed flat onto the floor between them in a perfect spread-eagle.
Aqua's laughter stopped on the spot. She shot upright like a startled cat and stared warily at the unexpected intruder.
"H-hey! What the hell is this? Did the system in the divine realm bug out or something? Why is some random person suddenly falling in at a time like this?!"
Kazuma blinked, stunned. Looking at the young man in front of him, dressed like an ordinary otaku but unexpectedly pretty handsome, he hesitated before speaking.
"Uh... were you scared to death by a tractor too?"
Kōichi Hayashi rubbed his backside and got to his feet, but before he could say anything, Aqua suspiciously flipped open the register of the dead at her side.
She flipped through it quickly. Then all at once, her hand froze, and in the next instant she burst into laughter even more exaggerated than before, so loud it almost seemed like it could blow the ceiling apart.
"I can't do this, I'm going to die laughing! Somebody save me!"
Aqua pounded wildly on the sofa's armrest, pointing at Kōichi Hayashi as she shouted at Kazuma Satou,
"Kazuma Satou! Look at this! This guy's name is Kōichi Hayashi, and his cause of death... his cause of death was watching the video of you dying and laughing so hard he lost his breath and actually suffocated himself to death! Hahahaha! You two are seriously the disgraceful twin stars of the otaku world!"
Kazuma's face froze instantly.
He stared at Kōichi Hayashi like he was looking at his father's killer, teeth grinding audibly.
"Hey... you bastard. Laughing at me would've been bad enough, but you actually died from laughing at me? How badly did you want to make me look pathetic?"
Aqua finally managed to stop laughing. Wiping tears from the corners of her eyes, she looked Kōichi Hayashi up and down with the same expression someone might use on a pile of trash.
Then, as if she had just received some instruction from the divine realm, her smug face collapsed on the spot and turned thoroughly irritated.
"Tch, what is this? Those old guys upstairs actually sent word that you came through a special channel. In other words, you used the back door?"
Pouting in annoyance, she picked at her ear with her little finger, her attitude turning openly nasty.
"Listen up, Kōichi Hayashi. Even if you came in through the back door, now that you've landed in the hands of Aqua-sama, don't expect any special treatment! By the rules, reincarnators get to choose one divine treasure or one superpower, but, since you're an annoying little backdoor case, I've decided to take that right away from you! You're going to the other world empty-handed!"
Then she turned to Kazuma and put on that same lofty, superior attitude again.
"As for Kazuma Satou, you can choose. Hurry up and pick already. I still need to go drink my fancy tea."
Kazuma looked at the smugly grinning Aqua, then at Kōichi Hayashi standing off to the side. Even without getting any cheat ability, he still somehow looked annoyingly handsome.
A sly glint flashed in Kazuma's eyes, the unmistakable sign of some twisted impulse awakening.
Kōichi Hayashi gave an awkward cough, brushed the dust off himself, and stood up properly.
Aqua's mocking was relentless, like machine-gun fire, but Kōichi Hayashi's mind was working just as fast. As an otaku who had only watched the first episode of KonoSuba, he had still heard from friends that even though this world looked like a comedy, it was actually full of giant frogs that could slap a beginner to death in one hit, along with all kinds of absurdly dangerous monsters. And apparently Aqua could even revive reincarnators infinitely.
No cheat ability? How was that any different from delivering yourself to your death? More specifically, the kind where you were the main course!
Under Kazuma's nearly murderous stare, Kōichi Hayashi braced himself and edged over to his side, lowering his voice.
"Hey, Kazuma-san, don't be in such a hurry to get mad. Hear me out. Yeah, I did laugh a little too hard just now, but that's only because your death had a kind of artistic flair to it. But now's not the time for infighting. Look at that idiot on the sofa... ahem, Goddess. She's obviously screwing with us!"
Kazuma shot him a sidelong glare, his tone openly hostile.
"Hah? Artistic flair? You really want to die a second time, don't you? And who the hell is 'us'? You backdoor pretty-boy otaku."
Kōichi Hayashi ignored the jab and kept whispering.
"Calm down! Think about it. If we go over there with nothing, we're definitely going to get wrecked by that world's slimes. But if the two of us work together and bargain with her, maybe we can squeeze out some kind of group deal."
Kazuma's eyes flickered slightly. Clearly, the words "slimes" and "get wrecked" had struck a nerve.
Seeing that, Kōichi immediately turned around, put on the most sincere expression he could manage, and made full use of that handsome face as he shouted to Aqua, who was still picking at her ear,
"Aqua-sama! O beautiful Water Goddess, blessed with both wisdom and beauty!"
Hearing the praise, Aqua paused. A smug, easily bribed look instantly spread across her face.
"Hmph. Even if you did come in through the back door, your taste is pretty good. What, are you trying to beg for mercy?"
Kōichi pressed the advantage at once.
"How could you call it begging for mercy? I'm thinking of you, Aqua-sama! Look, the two of us are basically the 'Dead-in-Embarrassing-Ways Duo.' If word gets to the other world that we got eaten by slimes on our very first day, you're the one who'll really look bad., Aqua-sama! People will say, 'Look, the people Goddess Aqua sent over couldn't even survive a single day.' Just think how badly that would hurt your reputation!"
Aqua froze. She actually seemed to think it over seriously, her brows drawing together a little.
"Mm... now that you put it that way, you kind of have a point. If you two die too fast, my KPI really will look awful..."
Watching Kōichi talk circles around her so smoothly, Kazuma couldn't help muttering under his breath,
"Hey... you're kind of insanely messed up, aren't you..."
Kōichi ignored him and kept piling on the pressure.
"So, since Kazuma-san gets to choose one divine treasure, and I'm a special case, why not be merciful and give us some kind of two-man support package? Or better yet, just change that stupid rule about backdoor cases not getting cheats. Anything is fine, just give me something I can use to protect myself!"
Aqua was clearly getting carried away from all the flattery. She stood up, put her hands on her hips, and stared at the pile of divine treasure cards with a conflicted look.
"This is such a pain... rules are rules, you know. But if Kazuma Satou were willing to split half his pick with you... no, that wouldn't work either. Hey, Kazuma Satou, have you picked yet? Just choose something strong and cover for this backdoor guy while you're at it."
Kazuma looked at Aqua's perfunctory expression, then at Kōichi. It was obvious he still hadn't fully processed everything that had happened today.
Looking at Aqua, who was still hung up on her reputation and whose intelligence had clearly dropped below the horizon, Kōichi shouted inwardly.
This is it. Perfect chance!
Kōichi quietly shuffled a little closer to Kazuma, bumped his shoulder against his, then gave him a deep, meaningful look full of the kind of implication men instantly understood.
He lifted a brow, his gaze drifting over Aqua's shapely figure, which somehow still radiated pure idiot energy. Then he lowered his voice and said in the tone of someone making secret contact in an underground operation,
"Hey, Kazuma-san, look at those divine treasure cards. Holy swords, magic swords, all that stuff. Sure, they sound cool, but what if you lose one, or it snaps? That's basically a one-time consumable. If we're going to pick something, we should pick something alive. The ultimate cheat. Something that restores mana automatically, heals you, and comes with unlimited growth potential. Think about it. What could possibly be more useful than a portable source of divine power?"
As he spoke, Kōichi subtly pointed toward Aqua, who was still muttering to herself, "If I just gave them a steamed bun, would they dock my pay?" Then he kept steering Kazuma along.
"As long as you pick something that can come with you, or better yet, an actual being with divinity, then once we get to the other world, won't we be unstoppable? By then, giant frogs and the like would just be bar snacks."
As Kazuma listened, the gloom on his face slowly stiffened.
He followed Kōichi's finger toward Aqua, then looked back at Kōichi's handsome face, which practically screamed troublemaking.
His brain started spinning at full speed. Some kind of twisted chemical reaction was erupting inside his otaku soul.
Alive? Unlimited growth? Portable? A source of divine power?
Kazuma's eyes gradually shifted from suspicion to shock, then finally twisted into a kind of ecstatic, vengeful delight.
He stared fixedly at Aqua's swaying blue hair, thinking to himself,
This guy may be a ridiculous freak, but that suggestion... it's genius! If this bitch looks down on us that much, then I'll drag her straight down into hell with me!