When Kōichi and Kazuma swaggered through the heavy doors of the Adventurers Guild, the noisy tavern fell silent for a full second.
Every eye turned toward the two newly minted multimillionaires. Envy, jealousy, and plain curiosity all mixed together in those stares.
Kōichi and Kazuma exchanged a glance, then, in perfect sync, puffed out their chests and strutted toward the veteran adventurer section at the very back of the tavern with the kind of walk that said they didn't give a damn about anybody.
Sitting there was a whole pack of old perverts. They were all fairly high-level, but years of blowing their reward money on alcohol and weird indulgences had left their pockets emptier than empty.
"Hey, senpai." Kōichi planted one foot on a bench and flicked the check onto the table, producing a sound that made everyone's hearts skip a beat. "Need to ask around about something. I heard there's a place in Axel called the Ruby Salon? Your boy here came into a little money today, and I want to experience the kind of real softness that doesn't belong to dreams. Who can show me the way?"
The air froze again. Then a roar loud enough to lift the roof exploded through the hall.
"The Ruby Salon?! Kōichi, you bastard, you actually brought up that holy land?!" A greatsword warrior with a face full of stubble shot to his feet, tears of emotion actually shining in his eyes. "That's the ultimate paradise we can only ever glimpse in our dreams, and only the dreams from the succubus shop at that!"
In an instant, Kōichi and Kazuma's table was packed tight on all sides.
These men, who could normally spend half a day arguing over how to hunt Giant Toads, now displayed an unprecedented level of academic rigor. Thus began a full-scale symposium on the Ruby Salon's entry requirements and depth of service.
"As far as I know!" an older Thief declared, pushing up a pair of nonexistent glasses with a grave expression. "The Ruby Salon doesn't take cash. They only accept high-level credit points certified by the guild, or you have to have a Great Merchant's Friend badge issued by the royal capital. Rough old bastards like us, reeking of sweat, couldn't even step on the paving stones outside the front door!"
The moment Kazuma heard that, he got worked up. Slamming the table, he shouted, "Credit points? Badges? We're the heroes who saved the town! Don't we get privileges like that? Weren't you all cheering when Kōichi kicked Beldia flying?!"
"Not even heroes can get in, Kazuma-kun." Another Wizard let out a sigh, his voice full of the hard-earned weariness of experience. "They say the attendants there are specially trained in the royal capital, and there are even rumors that fallen noble ladies work there part-time... The way they look at people is colder than the sharpest Ice Arrow. Without enough class, even if you pulled out a hundred million Eris, they'd still take one look at you, call you a nouveau riche, and leave you standing outside."
"Class?" Kōichi let out a cold laugh, his eyes blazing with the kind of arrogance that treated money like dirt, mostly because he hadn't cashed the check yet. "Isn't that easy? Put on the most expensive silk, spray on the fanciest perfume, and hire eight maids to scatter flower petals behind you. There, instant class. Kazuma, looks like we don't just need new clothes. We also need to get ourselves some kind of noble title for fun."
The men in the guild stared at him in stunned silence, then burst into a tidal wave of applause and cheers.
"As expected of Kōichi-sama! Is this what the bearing of the rich looks like?!"
"Take me with you! I'm willing to be one of the maids scattering petals... no, I'd be fine just being your bag-carrying attendant!"
"For the sake of every man's dream, you have to conquer that salon and come back to tell us all the details! Especially the part about real body heat. We need the description down to two decimal places!!"
Looking at the men whipped into a frenzy, Kōichi and Kazuma felt a heavy sense of mission settle over them.
This was no longer simple spending. This was a lust-fueled charge launched on behalf of every lower-class man in Axel against the untouchable noble elite!
Just then, the guild doors swung open again, and Aqua's signature voice, thick with the promise of trouble, rang out:
"Hey! Kōichi! Kazuma! So this is where you two were hiding while having this disgusting meeting! I heard outside that you're going somewhere called Ruby or whatever. Is that food? Take me with you already, I'm starving!!"
As Kōichi watched Aqua drooling while trying to snatch the check from his arms, a flash of inspiration struck him, as if he had glimpsed the ultimate form of waste recycling.
He grabbed Aqua's pretty face, slightly twisted by greed, shoved her away, and then looked her over with the eye of someone appraising a work of art, or some kind of expensive livestock.
"Kazuma, look." Kōichi pointed at Aqua, who was puffing out her cheeks in outrage after being pushed aside and was clearly about to explode. His voice turned solemn. "Sure, this idiot's so stupid it makes you despair, and her luck is awful beyond belief, but you have to admit. Just looking at that face, that outfit, and that arrogant attitude like she's the center of the universe, doesn't she kind of have the vibe of some fallen royal still looking down on everyone even after her kingdom's gone under?"
Kazuma froze for a second. At first he looked thoroughly disgusted, but after following Kōichi's train of thought and taking a closer look at Aqua's flowing aqua-blue hair and that feather robe of hers, slightly stained with spilled alcohol but still obviously luxurious, his eyes slowly began to light up.
"Oh... ohhh! Brother Kōichi, you're a genius! That refreshingly refined aura of idiocy... no, I mean divinity! As long as she doesn't open her mouth. No, even if she does, as long as we dress all that nonsense up as some ancient royal dialect from a foreign land, or intermittent madness brought on by the fall of her kingdom, it's perfect!"
"Hey! What are you two muttering about over there?! What do you mean, aura of idiocy? What do you mean, intermittent madness?!" Aqua shouted, stomping her feet and waving her fists in protest. "I am Aqua-sama, the goddess worshipped by the great Axis Order! My status is so exalted it would scare those mortals in that Ruby place to death! Now hand over the money already. I'm going to buy that fancy Holy Water that bubbles, champagne!"
Kōichi threw an arm around Aqua's shoulders and put on the gentlest smile he had ever worn, which only made it more obviously deceptive.
"Aqua, do you want to drink that fancy bubbly Holy Water? Do you want to eat sweets served on pure silver plates, fed straight into your mouth by handsome butlers?"
Aqua froze on the spot. Her eyes turned into enormous Eris symbols as she nodded furiously.
"Yes! I really, really do! Kōichi, you've finally seen the light, boo hoo hoo!"
"Good. From this moment on, you are no longer that useless goddess drowning in debt." Kōichi pointed at her with a solemn expression. "You are the sole heir to the Axis Empire of the distant East, destroyed by the Demon King's Army. Aqua Sebastian von, Her Highness the Goddess of Water! Kazuma and I, meanwhile, are the Empire's Last Sword and its Chief Financial Officer, charged with escorting you on your mission to restore the nation. Tonight, we're going to the Ruby Salon to raise restoration funds, and while we're at it, inspect local conditions. Remember this. Once we get there, you must look at everyone the way you'd look at a bacteria. Understood?"
Aqua had only the vaguest idea what he was talking about, but the moment she heard sweets and butlers, she slipped right into character. She gracefully lifted her skirt and gave a curtsy, though the movement was a little stiff, then spoke in an unbearably punchable tone.
"Hmph. Since you all beg so earnestly for this princess's presence, I suppose I can reluctantly accompany you to that salon where the commoners gather. But let's be clear. Half of the restoration funds must go to me... no, make that eighty percent!"
Kazuma stared at her in disbelief, then started wiping away sweat like mad. "Brother Kōichi, yeah, the class is definitely there, but this arrogant attitude feels way too real. So real it makes me want to punch her..."
Kōichi let out a cold laugh and patted the check in his arms.
"That realism is exactly what we need. Come on. First, we're taking this imperial treasure to the most expensive beauty salon in town and scrubbing her clean, then we're heading to a clothing store to get her some blindingly extravagant formal wear!"
And so, under the admiring gaze of all the old perverts in the guild, Kōichi and Kazuma took up positions on Aqua's left and right like two utterly loyal, and blatantly scheming, royal guards, escorting the head-high, impossibly overbearing Princess Aqua toward the shopping district.