When the door to the Adventurers Guild swung open, the once-rowdy tavern fell silent for a few seconds, then exploded into even louder jeering.
Though Kōichi and Kazuma were dressed in rags, they carried themselves with the exact kind of arrogance that said, "I may be broke, but I've seen the big leagues."
Kōichi casually fished the last few Eris steel coins out of his pocket, slapped them onto the bar, and shot Aqua a vicious look.
Aqua had just opened her mouth to complain about being hungry, but the moment she saw the murderous glare in Kōichi's eyes, she immediately remembered the threat of the booze ban. She hurriedly covered her mouth, nodded like crazy, then scurried off to a corner with a tankard of cheap ale and started gulping it down, looking exactly like a blue hamster that had been ordered to shut up.
"Everyone, don't judge us by how we look right now. The full service at the Ruby Salon was just a little too... intense." Kazuma leaned against the bar with a wistful look, swirling an empty glass in his hand as if it contained a vintage Lafite. "That real, tangible feeling, those soft whispers from noble young ladies right by your ear... tsk tsk... Compared to that, the dreamland stuff at the Succubus Parlor is basically mud pies for children."
Kōichi picked up where he left off, speaking to the gathered adventurers in a deep, magnetic voice, even though his stomach was growling. "Exactly. Especially the eldest daughter of that fallen count. Her interrogation techniques... ahem, I mean, her service etiquette, were practically an art form. We only tore up our clothes during the retreat because we were helping His Highness fend off those overzealous admirers. Sigh. You people, whose greatest life experience is seeing Giant Toads, could never understand the world of the rich."
Just as the adventurers were getting completely swept up in the two men's bragging and practically drooling with envy, the doors of the guild opened again.
A wave of resentment so thick it could have dropped the room temperature by five degrees instantly swept through the hall.
Dust staggered in like an evil spirit crawling out of a grave, giving off a foul blend of cheap perfume and Orc foot odor.
His hair looked like a bird's nest, his eyes were bloodshot, and he stared fixedly at Kōichi and Kazuma, who were still going on and on.
"Young ladies... art... service..." Dust's voice was low and hoarse, trembling with the sound of someone coming apart at the seams. He walked up behind them and let out a creepy laugh. "Heh... heh heh... Kōichi, Kazuma... looks like you two had a great time at the Ruby Salon, huh?"
Kazuma's smile froze. He turned his neck stiffly to look back. "Oh, Dust. Fancy seeing you here. So, how was your first-love dream at the Succubus Cafe? Looking at you now, you must've enjoyed yourself so much your soul left your body, right?"
"Yeah... it left. Went straight to hell." Dust suddenly grabbed Kōichi and Kazuma by the shoulders, his fingernails nearly digging into their flesh. Lowering his voice, he forced out each word through clenched teeth. "Can somebody tell me... why did my first love turn into a long-bearded Slime? Why was I wearing a maid outfit and washing the feet of a bunch of Orcs?! And there was only one Eris!! Where did that one Eris go?! I got kicked out before I even got that one Eris!!"
The surrounding adventurers, upon hearing about washing Orc's feet, all recoiled with horrified, disgusted expressions and instinctively put some distance between themselves and Dust.
A chill ran down Kōichi's back. It was the pure killing intent of a man seeking the ultimate revenge after having his dreams completely shattered.
Dust's hand was shaking as he slowly raised the wooden stick in his other hand. There was no humanity left in his eyes now, only pure deranged madness.
"So you two really love full service that much..." Dust twisted his face into a hideous grin. "Then I've got an authentic Axel traditional fighting package prepared just for you. Free of charge, and all-you-can-eat!!"
The air inside the guild seemed to freeze solid, and the wooden stick in Dust's hand let out a creaking groan from how tightly he was gripping it.
That face, ravaged beyond all recognition by the long-bearded Slime and the Orc foot-washing room, was now wedged between Kōichi and Kazuma. Even the hot breath pouring from his mouth carried the smell of despair.
"Spit it out... who was it... who wrote 'the deluxe humiliation set' on that form?" Dust's voice sounded like an evil spirit crawling up from the lowest depths of hell. "Who made it so I'll never dare look a pure, innocent girl in the face again for the rest of my life? Who made me want to puke every time I see a single Eris coin?!"
Kōichi and Kazuma exchanged a look.
In that tenth of a second, the two of them reached a kind of understanding that transcended life and death. If someone had to die, it sure as hell wasn't going to be me.
"Him!!"
Kōichi and Kazuma raised their index fingers almost at the exact same time and pointed straight at each other's noses, perfectly synchronized, like they'd practiced it a thousand times.
"Dust, listen to me!" Kōichi blurted out first, grabbing Dust's other shoulder with a pained, deeply disappointed look on his face. "I was going to write down 'a gentle older-sister lap pillow' for you! It was Kazuma! This twisted creep with a rotten soul who thinks about stealing panties all day! While I wasn't looking, he snatched the pen and wrote down the deluxe humiliation package with this nasty grin on his face! He even said a guy like Dust was perfect for being baptized by Slime! I tried to stop him, but I couldn't!"
"Hey!! Kōichi, you shameless bastard!!" Kazuma was so shocked his eyes nearly popped out. He frantically waved both hands and rushed to defend himself to Dust. "Dust, don't listen to his crap! He's the real mastermind! He was the one who said, 'First love is too bland. Let's throw in some Aqua noise to make it feel more real!' The Orc foot-washing idea was his too! He even said it would help you get used to bankruptcy in advance! I was just the errand boy filling out the form. I'm the victim here. He threatened me!!"
"You liar! You were grinning so hard you were practically drooling while you wrote it!" Kōichi shot back righteously, even wiping at tears that didn't exist. "Dust, look. He's still got that piece of garter stocking tucked in his clothes! That's hard evidence of how twisted he is inside! Not only did he screw you over, he was even planning to ditch the rest of us and graduate from the Ruby Salon by himself! You absolutely can't let scum like that get away!"
"Kōichi!! You Imperial bastard selling out your friends to save your own skin!!" Kazuma shook with rage, then turned toward Aqua, who was crouched in the corner stealing bites from other people's leftovers, and yelled, "Aqua! You tell him! Who was the one doodling all over that form back then?!"
Aqua was happily gnawing on a chicken bone. When she heard someone call her, she looked up blankly, suspicious grease still smeared around her mouth.
"Huh? The form? Oh, that... I remember you two huddled together going heh-heh-heh and saying Dust would definitely cry from being so moved... burp! But I thought that one Eris thing was pretty reasonable. Dust, that's about what you're worth normally anyway, right?"
The entire tavern fell silent again.
Dust lowered his head. His whole body shook violently, and the stick in his hand cracked with a sharp snap.
Slowly, he raised his head. The blood vessels in his eyes were so red and swollen they'd practically merged together.
"So... both of you... were in on it..."
With a beastlike roar, he leaped onto the table and lunged at them like an enraged baboon.
"Then both of you can die!! You filthy animals who treat other people's dreams like a footrag!!!!"
At the very instant Dust's stick, carrying a savage gust of wind, was about to crack open Kōichi and Kazuma's skulls by sheer physical force, time seemed to slow to a crawl in their eyes.
Kōichi and Kazuma's gazes collided in midair.
It was a wordless exchange of souls, the highest level of consensus two shameless adventurers could reach while teetering on the edge of death. If one friend had to die so you could live, then so be it. And if that friend also didn't want to die, then drag in a third victim!
"It's her!!"
With two perfectly synchronized, voice-cracking shrieks, Kōichi and Kazuma moved with agility beyond human limits.
In one absurdly smooth dogeza slide, the two of them shot past Dust, either under him or around him, then spun around in unison and thrust out trembling index fingers, pointing straight at the blue-haired girl in the corner, who was still holding half a chicken bone and staring blankly in confusion.
"Dust! Calm down! If you want revenge, go after the real culprit. The true mastermind is Aqua!!" Kōichi wailed tearfully, looking as grief-stricken as if his whole house had just been confiscated. "Think about it. There's no way we could've come up with a dream that deranged. It was her! While we were in the bathroom, she tampered with the wish form using her pitiful IQ and malicious divine power!"
Kazuma instantly caught on and slammed a fist against the floor in anguish. "Exactly! Dust, think about it. That line, 'Kōichi, hurry up and buy me some booze! I blew up the guild bathroom!' Who else but her could come up with something like that?! That's her signature line! She was getting back at you for mocking her last time for not having money for bar snacks, so she went to the back door of the Succubus Shop and recorded it live in front of the Dream Crystal Ball!!"
Dust, who had been charging like a berserker possessed, froze stiff in midair.
Thanks to Axel's uniquely simple, or maybe just single-celled, local culture, his rage-scorched brain, now functioning on a single thread, accepted that explanation almost instantly.
Seeing that, Kōichi immediately went in for the finishing blow.
"And that's not all! She was the one who set that one Eris foot-washing wage too! She was picking her nose while she said it. 'A bottom-tier adventurer like Dust who won't even buy a Goddess a drink only deserves one Eris, even in a dream. Let him experience the hardships of working people for himself!' We begged her to show mercy, but she wouldn't listen at all!"
Dust slowly turned his head, his bloodshot eyes locking onto Aqua.
Aqua froze.
She looked at Kōichi and Kazuma pointing at her, then at Dust glaring at her like a demon. The chicken bone slipped from her hand and clattered onto the table.
"Huh? What kind of nonsense are you two spouting?! There's no way I'd go to some indecent place like that..." Aqua jumped to her feet in a panic and tried to defend herself. "And I didn't record anything! I just thought that, with how broke Dust always looks, one Eris really does fit his market value pretty well... wah! Kōichi, why are you glaring at me again?!"
But the moment Aqua's signature shrill, piercing voice rang through the tavern, something deep in Dust's DNA was triggered.